The “score” and Why?

One of the things I have been thinking today is the “score”.

Pregnancies = 3
Miscarriages = 2
Children = 1

I don’t like that score. Yes, it could be worse. It could be a lot better.

I think I have mentioned before that I have had my palms read 3 times in my life for various reasons, mostly when I was on vacation, and I never paid for it to be done. The reader just picked up my palm and read it. In each reading, I was told I would have 3 children.

I have often wondered if my miscarriage “counted”. If the one counted, then this one must two. That means my family would be done. I just can’t accept that fact. I can’t.

And, it really isn’t even a fact. I don’t even know if I believe in it. Yet, here I am worried about it.

Under other irrational and illogical fears…some people believe that the “soul” picks the mother based on what lessons they still need to learn or issues that need to be resolved in past lives. Again, this is not something I am sure I believe in. Yet, I don’t completely discount it because when they talk about “old souls”, people that have lived many lives, I feel such an identity to that label. If it is true, I believe that I am an old soul. So, one of the things I was worrying about while not sleeping last night is if this belief system is true, what happens in the case of a miscarriage. Do the souls meet you when you conceive and decide, holy CRAP, I made a mistake, I can’t be born into that family. Are they SOL for picking me and never getting to be born and learn the lessons they thought they might? Do they just get put back in the pool and have to pick someone else? Logistically, how would that work? What happens if you have more than one soul that wants a particular mommy? Which one wins? The first soul in? I did say that it was irrational and illogical.

I feel like not only have I lost a child, but also part of a dream. I always wanted to have a child born around the same time I was. I really don’t know why that has been so important to me. I started my ttc journey, both round 1 and round 2 with the timing and planning around being due at the end of January/early February. I know that it was a sad attempt to control a process in which there is no control. With this loss, it will not happen. Or, rather the only way it would happen is IF I miscarry in time to do the July cycle and IF I have any kind of response and IF I get pregnant from that cycle, then I would have to delivery very prematurely for that to occur. I do not want it to occur that way. When I found out that the due date would be either my birthday exactly or the day after based on either LMP or IUI, I thought. This is a “sign” that despite my worries and fears about a miscarriage it could work out. Or, is it a sign that I should stop trying to control the situation and just let it be “because things will work out the way they should and you will get the child you are meant to get”.

Speaking of signs, when I was ttc on round 1, I saw deer on every single cycle I conceived. On the cycle I miscarried, when I saw the deer it was being cornered by two coyotes. Deer sightings are very rare around here which is why I remember them. I haven’t seen a deer since before I conceived Max. What does that mean? Anything? Does it mean that I have not been asking God for enough guidance and trying to follow my own plan instead of his? Each previous sighting occurred right as I was asking God for a sign that I was on the right path or making the right decision or moving in the right direction. While I have gone to Church more and baptized Max and talked about God and religion more than ever in the past, I haven’t “talked” to God recently. I haven’t even asked the question of whether I am on the right path or moving in the right direction.

When I had the first miscarriage, I was just completely devastated. It rocked my world and probably has had the biggest impact on my life than any single event including the birth of Max. I still have many scars from that wound and think I always will. I remember just lying on my bed crying and bawling my eyes out thinking that I didn’t have a husband, I killed my child, I was overweight, and any and every other insecurity and deep seeded fear and thinking what is the common denominator – ME. ME, ME, ME. That I didn’t have any of those things because I was not worthy enough and I was not good enough. That was the lowest point in my life. I am not really an insecure person or at least I have never thought of myself in that light, but I was so there at the time. I have done a lot of personal work and growth since then. I’m not going there this time. I have the most beautiful, most amazing boy, most intelligent boy for me. I could not have asked for a more perfect match. If I have done nothing else right in my entire life, I know that being his momma is the most right thing I have done.

I know I can survive this loss as I have survived one before. It is hard and sad, but I know I will deal with it and survive. When Max was first born, I was so worried that he would die and that it was all a cosmic joke, because the lesson I have learned only too well on the ttc path is that things often can and do go wrong. I was so worried about SIDS and suffocation. As he has grown, I have become less worried, but still find myself just thrilled each morning when he is still alive and a part of my life. I know that life can be short and unpredictable and I want us to enjoy and have the best time together for as long as we have. I still have passing fear. When Max hits each month milestone, I think he made it 10 months without dying of SIDS, only 2 more to go until he is a year. He was playing by emptying everything out of the bottom of his stroller yesterday which included several plastic bags for use for poo poo duty when walking Shadow or for Naomi to have at the park with her. I walked into the room and he was playing with the bags, I didn’t panic, but did think OMG and tell him that he couldn’t play with those because he could suffocate and took them away. Naomi took the hint and we have both made sure that he doesn’t have access, at least readily. However, the fear of loosing him is still deep within my psyche. I know I can survive this loss. I am not really sure I could survive loosing Max. Loosing him, I would be loosing the single most precious person to ever come into my life. And yet, I am afraid to say that and feel that way. I am afraid to tempt the fates or gods or God and have it be put to the test for once again trying to control things instead of just living the life I was meant to live.

And, I remind myself that this is fear based illogical thinking. But, my feelings are real to me. My fear is my fear. My demons are my demons.

I got a new worry today when someone told me about a study that showed having a first born son could affect your immunity system and increased your chance of miscarriage. I have only read the article, not the actual study itself and I have not yet asked Dr. N his thoughts, but it never occurred to me that my immunity system could change. I thought that we had worked out all of the ‘me’ problems. I have taken and gotten normal results on the immunity testing. We have fixed all of the environmental problems (poly/fibroids). We have identified and treat my hormonal issues (progesterone). We closely monitor the progesterone problem and supplement. We rechecked for polyps and/or fibroids before restarting round 2. It just never occurred to me that I could now have an immunity problem when I didn’t in the past. I’m not sure how big of a concern this is yet, but clearly it needs more research and some follow up.

I have been thinking all of these crazy things and more when I am not specifically focused on other things and the distractions of life. I have been thinking these things and more when I have a few moments to think while driving or walking or trying to sleep.

Mostly, I think it was just a bad egg. It was good enough to fertilize and implant, but not good enough to become a child. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. We are working with laws of nature not laws of God. My mind knows this, but does my heart believe it?