I lied

I lied yesterday. An out and out lie to my mom. We went to dinner and she asked me if I was tttc. The question really caught me off guard and I was pissed at myself because I know she asked because she saw the progesterone in the fridge. I have been hiding it when she comes and forgot yesterday in the stress of spotting and cramping. Damn! So, I told her that I wasn’t trying yet and that maybe sometime after the summer. I think she knew I was lying too as I don’t lie very often and am very bad at it. But, she didn’t call me on it. Afterwards I was pissed (as well as feeling guilty) at 1) not hiding the progesterone in the first place. I know better. 2) being caught by surprise like that 3) not coming up with a truth that avoided the issue like “I am not currently trying”, which is technically true. Or, I prefer not to discuss the detail of my ttc plans and will let you know at some point in the future. Or, something like that. Instead, I said the first thing that came to mind (after cursing myself for the progesterone and getting myself in the situation to begin with), which was a lie. I feel bad for it, but not bad enough to admit to the lie just yet.

While I am confessing, let me say that I also lied to a fellow SMC friend (who has put ttc on hold and dating) on Friday when I had lunch with her when I told her that I wasn’t going in for a beta until Monday. She called on Monday and I told her it was positive and then told her I actually had the first one on Friday before we met, but didn’t have the results yet but wanted a bit of time between getting the news and having to tell people. I think she understood.

I feel a little bad for my fibs (sounds better than lie, huh?), but sometimes you just don't want to talk about things and people ask pointed questions. I guess I should just have the strength of character to tell them in a polite way that is none of their business or that I don't want to talk about it.

I almost never lie and here I lied twice in one week. I had better get myself into Church to reform my ways. It has been a month or so since Max and I made it to a service.

So, the blood was dropped off hours ago and it is now 7:15 pm PT and I do not have my results. I wasn’t really expecting them until my RE said they would get back to me today. I ask the nurse drawing my blood if he was serious and would I really get them back today. She said yes. Good thing I didn’t count on it. I know they are in cycle and it was a really late blood draw so I am fine with not getting them today. But, since they said I would, I am a bit worried that the results are bad and they are waiting for Dr. N to tell me and he either is still busy working or had to get home to the family. Okay, maybe I am a bit worried and anxious for the results.

The several handfuls of peanut M&M’s I had as a mid afternoon snack are making me feel a bit ill and shaky. I know that much sugar isn’t good for me, especially so late in the day. Sigh! That is what I get for 1) stopping by the store on the way home (but, I really needed food for Max who is currently boycotting…by either spitting forcefully or slowly dribbling the food down his chin…my sweet boy) 2) bringing my enemy (as my former ww instructor would say) home with me. Big sigh!

I was feeling much better after going to the clinic and talking to my RE who came in to the waiting room to see me when he saw me and asked how I was doing and didn’t make me feel like a looser for being a PITA and worrying. He said my numbers had doubled fine and that it didn’t matter that they started out much lower than Max, they were solid. And, that I did the spotting and cramping thing with Max.

I wish they hadn’t told me I would get the results today. They always have the Dr. give the bad news at my clinic. Okay, I guess I don’t know that for sure so I would say…I have always been given my bad news directly from my doc. The good news is a 50/50 deal, sometimes is the nurse first with a follow up from the RE or sometimes it is from the RE directly.

Enough stalling. Time to go clean up Max’s toys, finish putting the groceries away, and prep a meal for this weekend. It became very clear yesterday when Max devoured a good portion of my meal in the restaurant last night and made a good dent in the left overs today, that I am going to have to start cooking again. Something I haven’t done really since I was pregnant with him. But, I want him to eat healthy fresh meals and a wide variety while he is still too young to have strong preferences. His nanny mentioned mac-n-cheese today. Yes, it is easy and most kids like it. Shoot, I like it. But, I am hoping to wait a year or so before he gets hotdogs and mac-n-cheese and many other American kid staples. This means work and planning and prep for me.

PS. Only bright red blood today on and off with one instance of watery pink blood on the TP. When telling a friend about my black undie strategy, she suggested a niche market for blank panty liners. On the way home from the clinic, I added black TP. Personally, I think this is a grand idea. What you can’t see will not stress you out? If black TP and liners were available, would YOU buy them? I would. I really would. Even if they were double the price of the tidy whities. They would only be used for “special” occasions. Takers?

As I told my RE, I am doing okay today because it is only the spotting. If I am only spotting or only cramping, I can usually maintain a relatively calm attitude. It is when I both spot and cramp at the same time that I worry, obsess, get really really scared.

Boy, results tonight would be nice. Sigh. 7:45 pm PT. It is not going to happen. I really should focus on the tasks on hand and get my “chores” done.

Damn!