The end of denial - boo hoo

It has been a hard emotional day or two. It is hard to stay in denial when yesterday I had my final beta (3.18), had my Rhogam shot (RH Factor), paid for my July IVF cycle, and started BCP’s for said cycle.

On the Rhogam, since the loss was so early, likely a Rhogam shot is not needed, but why chance it since it is just one more shot? I had forgotten what a hassle this was from the last time. The doc’s want to prescribe a 50 ml micro dose, but most pharmacies don’t carry this and/or it is discontinued depending on who you talk to. Last time, I had it done at the RE clinic and my RE was out of town. The other RE stepped in and they gave me the full dose which is overkill, but would not cause a problem. This time, my RE sent me to my OB (who happens to be his wife). I was supposed to go to the office, get the prescription, get it filled at the pharmacy down stairs, then go back to the office to get the actual shot. Well, the pharmacy told me they didn’t have it and couldn’t fill it. The OB office wanted me to drive around and find a pharmacy. It was the last straw. I just started getting teary eyed and told her that I had been through this before. No one carries the microdose. She goes and talks to the doc (not my OB, but the other OB in the office) who rewrites the prescription. I go back to the pharmacy and they fill it and tell me my insurance won’t cover it because it is an injectable. The tears just started overflowing and I couldn’t stop them. The pharmacist just reached over and touched my hand and told me that she was sorry. I could tell she meant sorry for my loss, the reason I needed the Rhogam as well as the hassle. I just pulled out my card and handed it to them to pay. I head back to the OB’s (just one flight of stairs, not that I took the stairs, and a trip down the hall) where I tried not to completely loose it as a happy young pregnant couple came in. Finally, I was called back where the nurse went to the scale. I must have given her some look because she said, “ahh, you don’t want me to weight you?”. I said, “no, not really” so she puts me in a room (the one with the ultrasound) and gets the blood pressure machine and measure my blood pressure. I must have given her another look and started crying again. This is the routine they do at the start of every pre-natal visit, minus the pee in the cup. I can tell she things I am pregnant and wondering what is up. So, she asks, “why are we giving you the Rhogam shot?” I replied because I was having a m/c. Idiot. She didn’t even have the decency to off any condolences or anything. If fact, no one in the office did. Yet, I know they knew why I was there. Apparently, everyone except the nurse. In fact the receptionist called around to a local pharmacy when she didn’t believe me that they wouldn’t have it and explained it to the person as “you know, the RH Factor shot you get when you are pregnant or MISCARRYING”. Sigh. I know that I was just emotional and oversensitive and most people don’t know what to say. Sometimes, that can actually even be easier than the compassion (like the pharmacist showed).

Anyway, just been moody, and emotional, and sad. So very sad.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was thinking about the loss and my upcoming IVF cycle and how I should really probably wait to cycle, but how I am not going to. The funny thing is that I am pretty sure this cycle will not work, especially if it fits my past pattern, but I have to try. Maybe even if it doesn’t work, I will have something to freeze. Maybe. Not holding out any hope, but that is the main reason I am going to do it.

I was thinking about how many things could go wrong. I could have a bad response and get cancelled again. It could be negative with nothing to freeze. Worse, I could get pregnant and have another m/c. So many things could go wrong, but only one thing can go right. And still, I am going to go for it. It will be my one and only IVF. It it doesn’t work, I will take a break for a month or to and try a few more IUI’s. I talked to my sperm bank today and they said my donor has about 14 vials and his IUI vials are better and more expensive than the ICI. She knows only one other person who is currently using him and she is doing IUI’s at the bank and only buying a few at a time for financial reasons. My donor is not actively listed anymore and only available to families for siblings. If my IVF fails, I will be down to 2 left. I will then likely buy 4 and try 6 IUI’s. If I don’t get pregnant on those, I will have to re-evaluate (if I don’t have a new plan in place by then).

I finished reading last night a book called The Big House by George Howe Cohen. It was a good read, although it took me awhile to get through with everything going on these last three weeks.

I started reading a book called Coming to Term about re-occurring pregnancy loss. The title of chapter 1? Not viable. How I know that well.

In Max news, we hit a new milestone/first, he has had his first bout of diarrhea which has given him is first real diaper rash. Poor guy. He woke at 3:30 and took a bit of bottle before going back to sleep. He woke up at 4:30 in a big poo poo mess and went directly to the sink for a sink bath. He had 4 or 5 diarrhea diapers today (from a guy who is an every couple of day irregular kind of guy) and the acid just ate at his tender little bum. He SCREAMED when Naomi tried to apply Balmex (learned very early that Destin made things worse for him) so we have been using Neosporin with pain and/or the COSTCO Triple Antibiotic cream and they have turned my fussy guy back into his happy cheerful self, even if he still does have a sore bum.

I’m tired and haven’t been sleeping great. I want to try to set up regular appointments with my acupuncturist prior to this cycle and at least get in to see my Chiropractor once if possible. I had plenty of time to call today, but…was immobilized and it just didn’t get done. Tears were so close to the surface that I almost started bawling when Max was crying as Naomi changed him and wasn’t sure I could set up the appointments without a cryfest.

So, I guess I hang out on BCP’s for the next few weeks. I wonder when I will get my protocol. I think I will probably stop BCP’s on the 11th and start stims on the 18th since cd9 is the 25th. Kaia, this means I will likely be on bed rest on Aug. 1 and/or second. I decided I was going to talk to my RE about this whole bed rest thing and have him show me studies that show it makes one lick of difference. If I am fortunate to make it that far, I will likely scale back a bit, but just can’t see spending 3 days in bed. It’s just not going to happen. Also, I’ve been thinking about how many in range follicles I would want to either move forward to ER or cancel. Need to talk to my RE, but I am thinking 6 or under, convert to IUI. Also, been thinking if I get that far, how many I would want to transfer. Assuming decent quality (like 8 cell grade A) I would only do 2. Lesser quality will cause for a last minute decision based on many different factors.

So, I am grieving still for my loss and ramping up to go another round.

And, the only conciliation I have come up with for the failed cycle is that now maybe I can get the fountain working in my back yard before I have a pool party over here on the 8th since it is too heavy for me to lift/take apart/do what I need to do while pregnant. While I have it apart would also be a good time for me to have a few trees removed in the back yard (so I can level the dirt), but I’m going to hold on to that money for awhile until I see how things work.

It’s hard for me to get enthused for a cycle I don’t think will work, but I can’t win the game unless I play. If it doesn’t work, fine. It will be as I expected. If it does, great. I will hope and pray that I make it through the needed milestones to actually have another child.

If anything, I have just become a little more scared and a little more jaded from this last m/c. Have we not all learned the lesson by now that pregnancy does NOT necessarily correlate to having a child. I don’t just want to get pregnant. That is not my goal. My goal is to build my family with another child or two.

Shall we review my cycle history quickly before I got take my PNV, BCP, and get ready for bed?

Round 1
Cycle 1 = BFN
Cycle 2 = Preg.; M/C
Cycle 3 = BFN
Cycle 4 = Max

Round 2
Cycle 1 = BFN
Cycle 2 = Preg.; M/C
Cycle 3 = ?

See the pattern? See why I am afraid? I tell myself that it is a stupid pattern. Coincidence. Nothing more. Nothing less. I would love to break the pattern on this cycle, but only if I actually get a kid out of it. I think it would be two cruel to have back to back m/c’s. I would rather get a negative than have another m/c right after this one.

Like I said, still trying to deal with the grief and loss of R2C2 while gearing up for R2C3. Not ideal, but I’m going to do it anyway because I am pig headed and stubborn and just can’t wait until September to do an IVF. And, I just need to see how I will do if we pull out all the stops and hit me with an aggressive IVF protocol. Even if I get a negative and I have something to freeze (for potential child #3), I will be fine with the decision to cycle so soon after the m/c and with the results (remind me of that when it fails, okay?). If nothing else, this m/c has solidified in my mind that I want three. And, no way could I go back for a third as soon as I have for a second. No way physically and emotionally and practically. And, if I wait, I will likely be too old.

I was thinking about how tired I was this weekend. I think that maybe that is how many women feel after just one child often. I think that is why many think I am crazy to want a second and want a second child so soon. I really can run on a lot less sleep than many (and I think my son may have inherited that from me judging on his early sleep patterns). I think that helps.

As you can tell, I am all over the map. Lots on my mind.