Nerves of Steel

Anyone who has ttc clearly knows that you need to have nerves of steel to not let every little thing get to you because it is a roller coaster. Things will go wrong. No cycle is perfect. Perfect cycles often fail. And, it is easier said than done. It is hard not to get all worried about every little thing. I was reminding myself of that this morning as I woke up to bright red bleeding on the toilet paper and “particles” in the toilet. I was not amused but implemented my SOP (standard operating procedure) in cases like this 1) take a dose of progesterone if it “almost” time for my next dose 2) put on black panties and 3) take Tylenol under the theory that I stress less if I don’t see the blood stains on my underwear and can’t actually feel the cramps. Then, of course, I sent an email to my RE telling him and asking to be allowed to add even more progesterone to the 600 mg/day I am already taking and ask if it would be beneficial to go in even earlier for the “extra” beta I already talking him into on Friday. We will see what he has to say.

It did not help that I woke up feeling very energetic and refreshed. As tired as I was last night, I could not fall asleep. My mind was spinning in overdrive so it was at least 10:30 – 11 pm that I finally fell asleep. Max waited until the 4 am hour (4:30 am I think?) to wake me up, but then fell back asleep about 40 minutes later (? It is a bit of a blur?) and then I was up, but I must have dosed off and woke up refreshed. Then, saw the blood. I know from experience that pregnancy symptoms come and go, but I would much rather have them than not. I would rather “feel” pregnant than not. It is just good for my physique. Glad I am back to my extremely tired state now. FWIW, bleeding is NOT a pregnancy symptom. It is a miscarriage symptom. Bleeding and cramping together are worse than either bleeding or cramping. I have heavily researched this topic. No matter how many times I remind myself that I did, in fact, both bleed and cramp with Max for months, I still do not like it. It doesn't necessarily mean that the pregnancy will fail. Nerves of steel. Got to have them as much has possible.

However, clearly, I am not able to focus on work, even though there are a few things that I really should do. So, I thought I would write a few blog entries of things that have been on my mind.