F’d Up

I have let myself down and really made a few (big in my mind) mistakes the last few days. It’s just sloppy, lack of attention/focus stuff. Completely preventable, never should have happened stuff.

On Friday, I was telling one of my employees about a salary increase and when I told him his new base salary, he said, “boy, I must have missed a few salary increases if THAT is the total”. I gave him someone else’s information. Someone who made 9K more than him per year. Not good. I apologized and explained that I must have forgotten to refresh the screen so it had his name in the header, but someone else’s I the detail. He handled it really well and joked, well, at least you didn’t tell me who it was. He still sounded genuinely happy with the increase and his new base salary when I told him the correct one. I called my boss (one of them) at told him what happened and he was fine with it. He knows the employee it happened with well and he said that knowing him, he really was fine with it. The situation could have been much, much worse (he could have been really upset or some people on the team make 40 – 50 K more than this person and he likely would have been really upset if I had read off that high of a salary). My boss was very understanding and told me I had better get used to messing up not that I am a parent. I still feel really bad. It has been a really long time since I have really made a mistake at work. On the other hand, I made a very good decision to let my boss know about the m/c. I had debated about it and decided to under the premise it is (almost) always better if your boss knows you are going through a personal situation. *

The other two situations had to do with Max and happened this morning. He woke up at 4:30 am for good and I was just so tired.** He had fussed for a few minutes at 3:30 am, but fell back to sleep and I heard the cat barfing about 4 am (but was too tired to get up and deal with it and just made a mental note to turn on the lights and check out my path to Max’s room when getting him). I gave him his bottle and let him play mommie jungle gym for awhile. When he got bored with that, I put him in the co-sleep to play for awhile. When he got bored with that, I closed the door to the master bathroom and the master bedroom to the house and let Max crawl around my room. As long as the animals are out of reach, there is absolutely no harm he can get into (and they were both not in the room at this point. Max was happy with this new freedom and was exploring away. As I was dozing, I suddenly realized that it had gotten too quiet. I couldn’t hear him babbling or crawling. Total silence. I jumped up and flipped on the light and realized that he wasn’t in my room. Crap. I was disoriented and it took me a few seconds to realize my screen door to the back yard was open. Max had figured this out and excitedly crawling around the back yard. Now, the back yard is completely baby proofed (and THIS is why I had the pool safety fenced installed before he became mobile) so he couldn’t really have come to harm out there. Actually, I have let him explore the entire back yard and he has been much further physically from me than this morning. It is just the principle of the matter and scared me. The worst that happened was that he got his PJ’s a bit dirty (they may never come clean) because he crawled through the cat’s vomit which was just watery bile, but since it was wet picked up lots of dirt as he merrily explored. It is just the principle of the matter. I have no idea when or how the screen door got opened. It must have been opened yesterday and I didn’t realize it when I opened the door last night, which I typically do most evenings after it has cooled down outside to cool down the inside of the house.

After that little excitement, I let him continue to crawl around the backyard for awhile (until about 6 am). Then, we went to take Shadow on her morning walk. We went to this big park I discovered that is an un-official off-leach dog park that Shadow really likes. We did a walk around the park, then went to the play area. It is one of those that doesn’t have sand and is great for Max to swing and crawl along. And, the way the structure is designed, it has platforms that Max can crawl around (above the ground). I let him crawl keeping him between my legs so he doesn’t fall over the side. As we were going down one ramp, I put my hand on the railing which had something disgusting and greasy on it. I led Max off the structure (didn’t want to pick him up with my hand like this) and turned my back to wash my hand with the water and antibacterial cleaner in my bag. Somehow Max got back on the play structure and up one of the ramps before I realized it. Man, that kid is quick. After that, I decided enough was enough. Two minor heart attacks (talk about adrenal surge) within a few hours had done me in. Max had a nice breakfast, we read a few books, then he went down for an early nap. Yes, all this adventure before 8:30 am can tire a person out. Fortunately, he slept for about 2.5 hours and I was able to rest and doze off between phone calls. ***

Anyway, I am still very tired. It has been a very busy weekend with lots of running around and physically taxing with watching (admittedly with a few lapses) and the actual m/c occurring. I am spent. I already have the house in order for the night and am going to take a quick cool shower and climb into bed.

Tomorrow starts a new week. A week where I need to “just be better” and focus on the tasks at hand. While none of my fuck up’s ultimately ended up being extremely problematic, they COULD have. My psyche can’t take more mistakes like this.

Yes, I am only human and I have been physically and emotionally pressured recently. I realize this. However, these are not errors in judgment. These are errors in execution. Just plain mistakes caused my lack of concentration and focus. They were all completely preventable if I had been paying attention to what I should have been. I hate fuck up’s like that in general. I especially hate them when they are done by me. I’m better than that. On one hand, I guess my boss is right and no one is perfect and I had better start getting used to it now that I am a parent. On the other hand, I can’t ever see myself getting used to such sloppy behavior either at work or as a parent.

I guess this m/c is taking its toll, just much differently than it did the first time.



* I had ‘Rita’s and Mexican with a friend on Friday after this happened and before I called my boss to tell him. During our discussion and as I was beating myself up, it was brought up that I didn’t have to fess up and likely my peers in the same situation would not have. I am sure the employee would not say anything because he really didn’t seem that upset about it. However, my own work ethic would not allow me to not let my boss know about the mistake.

** I have really been bleeding heavy this weekend. It has been a big, well, bloody mess. It is been different from my last m/c in that I have had minimal cramping. My theory on that is that the uterus is a muscle that got really stretched out with Max and maybe that is why I didn’t cramp. Oddly, my sisters never had cramping prior to having kids, but both did after. I have always had cramping anytime I bleed from my very first period. Maybe mine will be better now. Anyway, when things got started they got started fast and furious and I lost a lot of blood and big clots all very quickly and I wasn’t in pain, just physically weak and very, very tired. Not sleep tired. Exhausted, need to lie horizontal tired. Tired enough that I almost fell asleep on the couch on Saturday afternoon while Max was playing and if I had a good friend right around the corner, I probably would have asked if they could watch Max for 30 – 60 minutes. I didn’t, but rallied.

*** Not that I actually answered the calls, just that the ringing woke me up. I guess most people don’t expect someone to be napping at that time of day. Hey, they might consider it if they got up so early. I didn’t answer the phone once today. I can’t remember the last time I checked messages. I probably should do that at some point. I just don’t really care who called or what they wanted. I feel less guilty not doing call backs if I don’t know exactly why I was called in the first place. Plus, in general, I often don’t answer the phone when it is “my” time with Max. I want to be giving him my attention and focus since it is limited most weeks. Especially, since clearly my focus and attention has caused a few errors in judgment, I realized I need to be extra cautious right now. I was thinking tonight as I was getting Max ready for bed and the phone rang yet again (and went unanswered yet again) and laughing that Max will probably grow up and not realize that you are actually supposed to answer the phone when it rings instead of just acknowledging the ringing phone. (“Our phone is ringing”; “Mamma’s cell phone is ringing”, etc.)