Beta #3 = 198

I started to post early this morning and the day got away from me. I woke up convinced that the pregnancy wasn’t viable and even after I got the results from my RE and he said all was fine and progressing like a healthy pregnancy I was worried and anxious and churning and unable to focus or concentrate. I did a bit of work (a very little bit, like the barest necessary for today) and mostly talked, vented, and emailed friends. I also called my acupuncturist and she fit me in. She herself is a very calming influence and I think that and the treatment helped. She changed my frame of reference and asked me to put it in perspective of Max and how I would want to be calm and nurturing for him. She also reminded me there would always be the next thing to worry about the next beta, the next u/s, any genetic testing, the birth, etc. I know this is true from having Max. I guess it was the grounding I needed today and that after loss of sleep last week from Max being sick I had gotten so wound up that the last few nights I have been up for most of the night, not because of Max, but because I was too keyed up to sleep. This was one of the things that had convinced me this morning that I was no longer pregnant because I was sleeping so crappy that it was a “sign” since I typically am very tired and sleep great on progesterone/when pregnant. She felt that I had too much adrenalin and was too keyed up that she thought my body was overriding those factors. She said that I had a good strong pregnancy pulse, needed to drink more water, and maybe add some magnesium supplements. Of course, the thing that probably helped the most was that I am no longer bleeding bright blood red. I saw a few clots and particles in the bottom of the toilet a few too many times today, but the bleeding seems to have stopped for now.

I know that the stage was set over Memorial Day weekend when the sperm and the egg fertilized and then implanted. It will either be strong enough to make it at this point or it won’t and worry and anxiety will not change the outcome.

A good friend who also recently lost a beloved dog as well as a minor comment by my acu when I saw her on Monday helped me to realize that it wasn’t only about the pregnancy, but also about loosing Lucky and the changes that brought in my life with Shadow no longer willing and able to hike. I started the morning hikes 8+ years ago, but they became as much, if not more, for me as well as the dogs. Walking Shadow around the park or neighborhood is just not giving me the physical outlet I need. I realized this week that even though I have not been on a hike in months, I was still putting on my hiking socks and boots every morning. I tried this week to not put them on and to wear tennis shoes or sandals instead. I just couldn’t do it. I have been in such conflict because I can’t leave Shadow behind. She will decline even faster than she is, yet I need more and I am just too tired at night and it is just too hot in the evenings. I need to figure something out instead of thinking the new normal was working. Maybe I will walk Shadow around the block first a few mornings a week and then take Max and I on a real hike. I need to see the nature and the have that release and mindless thought time. Lucky would never have stood for such a routine, but truly I don’t think Shadow will care. Yes, she still wants to get her walks in, but she doesn’t care if it is short and the same ole boring route day after day walk after walk. I always thought I was doing the different trails “for the dogs” so they had fresh scents and fresh trails, but I see now that it was just as much, if not more for me.

I told my hiking boot story to a friend that lost her dog and she helped me realize that things have been building and building for awhile. She and I have actually been hiking a few times together (although she lives in N. California) and she helped me to realize that in my search for the new normal and trying to take care of everyone else, I haven’t been taking care of “me” and have been suppressing “my” need for more exercise and my morning hikes.

I accept that Lucky is gone and my life has changed and continues to change without her. But days like today and weeks like this week, I really, really still miss her something fierce. She was my love bug who would know I was upset and either give me comfort or do something outrageous or funny to snap me out of it.

I am usually a pretty calm easy going individual that takes things in stride and I really lost it today. I got myself worked up into such a state I didn’t know how to get out of it by myself. My acu gave me an assignment of sorts when talking with her to focus on until I saw her and that was to stop thinking about what could or could not happen that I had no control over and to think about the things I have in life to be fortunate about. At the top of that list is a great support system of friends who care and listened to me complain and bitch and whine all morning, a compassionate RE who doesn’t minimize or dismiss my concerns although one would think he HAD to get tired of it at a certain point, and a great acupuncturist who fit me in this afternoon into her already packed schedule because she knew I really needed it.

So, while the bleeding has stopped for now, I am sure it will be back at some point and some time. When it does, I am going to try to keep it into perspective and remember that I bled and cramped with Max and that turned out great. This must just be “the way it is” for me. It will be really, really hard. But, if I can resolve my hiking/outlet issue, maybe it will be easier.

It has been a very difficult and emotional day and a very emotional and roller coaster of a week. Can you believe it has been only one week since I found out I was pregnant again? The joy of that and the concern about the low betas and the spotting/bleeding has done me in. I am currently emotionally spent. I hope enough to get some decent sleep so that I can keep things better in perspective. Yes, the beta numbers are lower than I would like but as my acu pointed out and she knows my RE, Dr. N thinks they are fine and “More than rising appropriately. Obviously, the best sign would be a heart beat on ultrasound, but everything so far indicates to me that this is a normal, healthy pregnancy” I guess I am just going to have to take it day by day and get my nerves of steel back in place for my next 2ww until the heartbeat ultrasound.

Beta History
Cycle 2 – Result = M/C
Beta 1= 52.16 (16 dpo); Beta 2 = 110.54 (18 dpo); Beta 3 = 155.23 * (22 dpo); Beta 4 = 61.43 (23 dpo); Beta 5 = 12.70 (26 dpo)

* only done because I started spotting and cramping over the weekend indicating a likely m/c

Cycle 4 – Result = Max
Beta 1 = 73 (13 dpo); Beta 2 = 196 (15 dpo)

Cycle 6 – Result = TBD
Beta 1 = 29.05 (13 dpo); Beta 2 = 77.80 (16 dpo); Beta 3 = 198 (19 dpo)