Grief is a solo sport

I have been thinking these last few days the grief is a solo sport. You can feel empathy for a person, but no one else can really feel another person’s grief. You can be supportive and show that you care, but you can’t take it away. If you try, you minimize it. I have had a few friends who are have had a loss (death of a beloved pet) and disappointment (ER didn’t yield good results and likely nothing to ET). Oddly, these people were the ones that I found it easiest to talk to this week.

I just haven’t been in the mood to “talk it out” this go round. I have many emails and phone calls to return from people who have reached out to me after I found out about the m/c and I just haven’t had it in me to follow up with them. I really tried to keep a low profile on things, but someone I still had about 15 – 20 people to follow up with.

Harding - Your comment the other day was the best and it has kept me grounded these last few days. She said (in response to lying to my mom) that sometimes it is hard enough to manage our own expectations without having to worry about someone else’s. I just don’t have it in me to manage anyone else’s expectations just now. I know my friends just want to support me, but I just needed to cave in for awhile. And, I am not yet ready to come out.

I actually made dinner tonight. Noodles with Beef Tips in Gravy with Green Beans. Since Max is now on solids, I am trying to be better about cooking and having variety. He ate while I was still finishing up work (Naomi was still here) and I decided to wait until after he went to sleep so I could relax and enjoy the meal. I knew that he would be going down early because he was up for the day at 3:45 am and went down for his morning nap at 6:50 am. He was up by 9 am and STILL boycotted his afternoon nap. Naomi tried to get him down. I tried to get him down. Didn’t work. I did manage to get him to play quietly in his crib for about 30 minutes, but no sleep. Even though I find it hard to believe, I guess he just doesn’t need it. He isn’t fussy or crying or anything in the afternoons/early evenings. But, he is ready for bed when the time comes. Anyway, I get my dinner and brought it to the computer to finish up a few things and saw a fellow dog owner coming up my driveway with my neighbors dog (the new puppy) on leash. So, I ran out there. The puppy got out and the fellow dog owner didn’t know where the puppy belonged and was coming to ask me because I am a well known dog walker in my neighborhood and DO know most of the time which dogs belong with which house. I ended up playing with the puppy and talking to my neighbor. She is due in November with another boy and I had to tell her about the m/c. She and her husband were the only neighbors I told. I finally get back in side to eat my dinner and Shadow must have thought it was for her and I just forgot to give it to her (yeah right). The plate was licked clean. I’m so glad I went to the effort to eat a nice balanced meal. Shadow ate great tonight and I settled for a bottle of chocolate milk

You know how I was just saying that it made me feel great that Max wanted me over Naomi and I was proud and gloating over that fact. I’m feeling bad over it now. Tonight when Naomi was leaving she commented that always before (when the mom isn’t home) when she leaves the babies always cry. She can barely get Max to wave bye-bye to her. I had noticed that she always made a deal about leaving and saying bye to him, but I really didn’t pay too much attention because I am always so happy to have “my” time with him. I could tell that it bothered her a bit. Don’t get me wrong. Max is happy to see her in the mornings. His face lights up and he crawls as fast as he can to get to her (if he is down and able), especially on Monday’s when he hasn’t seen her in a few days. But, when she leaves and it is “our” time, he doesn’t really pay any attention. Really, I do think it would bother me if he did cry when she left, but I am sad that she is upset by it.

I started bleeding and passing clots this morning and thought finally things are going to get moving. I was further encouraged when I started getting a bit crampy as I was on my way out to lunch with a friend for Mexican and ‘Rita’s. Now, it has slowed down again. This is a very weird m/c. Not like my other one at all. Found myself thinking again today maybe it meant that the beta was wrong again. I guess I am still in denial. I’ll be getting a follow up beta on Monday afternoon hopefully (forgot to call the clinic today and schedule it) since I have to be over that way anyway.

Anyway, I have been up a long time and need to leave the house very early so must go clean up and prep for tomorrow. I have a decently busy and distracting weekend with people that I don’t have to pretend with since they have BTDT (been there done that) – sadly and grieving in their own right for other things. While grief is a solo sport, sometimes it is nice to hang out with others in a similar situation who can relate without you having to talk about it.

It is hard to be in denial when people keep asking how you are doing and wanting to talk about it.