The irony

I’ve been thinking a lot about irony today. Specifically, how I have not been bleeding or cramping today. I would have been thrilled with this had I NOT gone into the RE’s office yesterday and gotten the official word that the pregnancy will not be a successful one. Today, I just want it to happen and be over with. I know that this is the calm before the storm. I feel the storm building in my uterus. Typically, I do not bleed heavy in the evenings or at night. I expect to wake up with things in full force.

Have you ever wondered what the “products of conception” look like? I do. There was a “particle” in the bottom of my toilet today. I seriously wondered if that could have been “it”. It looked like what I think a “product of conception” would look like, but what do I know. I have never seen one that I know about, especially at this stage of the game. I thought about fishing it out and examining it. I decided I couldn’t go there.

I’ve been thinking a lot today about how I am sad and down, but not as devastated as I was with my first miscarriage. I think it is because while on my first pregnancy, I knew that a miscarriage was possible, I didn’t really believe it was something that could/would happen to me. Now, I know better. I have become scared by this process. It has taken its toll. I also think, it is because I have Max in my life. God, I love that kid and have such a good time with him. I think it is because I have grieved so much this year for Lucky and loosing her. This doesn’t feel as bad by comparison right now.

My RE has told me many times over the last year or too that I am too negative. I should be more positive. For example, when we were talking about me getting a 7 dpo progesterone test with this cycle, he was reminding me that they wanted to see over 15 on a medicated cycle. I told him that it wasn’t going to be over 15, but I would be happy with over 10 which is what is needed to maintain a pregnancy. My progesterone ended up being 11.3. I was happy with that. Was I negative or a realist?

When I found out I was pregnant last week, I really felt like it was too good to be true. I kept waiting for the shoe to drop or for something bad to happen. I realize that I have become so scarred by this process that I really didn’t expect the pregnancy to work. Yes, I hoped. Yes, I prayed. Yes, I really wanted it more than I could say. The more I spotted, the more I cramped, the more I knew I was probably right, no matter how much I wanted to be wrong. As I was often reminded, yes, I did spot and cramp with Max. And, as I remembered, it was on a cyclical bases to correspond to when I would have gotten my period. And, yes, that did turn out great.

I’ve been up since 3:31 am. Max woke up and sucked down a bottle and was back asleep in his crib by 3:38. I was never able to go back to sleep.

I have been able to keep the grief and worries and doubts and questions and losses at bay during the day. I have had enough distractions. The nights have been hard and I think they will be for awhile.

I’m going to go lie down and try to sleep because I know I need to. I need to for me and my health and I need to so I can be the best momma to Max I can be. But, I’m afraid. I’m afraid because then I will have to face that with which I have suppressed during the day. I know that I need to do this at some point – deal with the loss and my feelings around it. But, I just don’t know that I have it in me right now. I just want to pretend that all is well. It was somewhat easy today. Lots of distractions. Little physical reminders (like blood and cramping). I just need to be in denial for a little longer.

My mind understands that the pregnancy is not viable. My heart has not yet accepted that fact yet. My body has not yet “lost” the pregnancy.

I just feel sad and numb and just so very, very tired. Not sleepy tired. Weary tired.