I almost can't believe that another whole week has passed. Time is really flying. I'm actually writing this Thursday night from my work laptop while sitting in bed because I felt like getting my thoughts out, but couldn't stand one more minute in my office. As such, it won't be posted until Friday sometime. Really, nothing significant going on, just the minutia of life.
I triggered last Friday night for a Sunday IUI and was so tired that at 9:07 pm I set my alarm for 9:55 because I knew I just couldn't stay away another minute and didn't want to miss it I was back asleep by 10:15.
Saturday, Max boycotted taking Shadow for the first time since he was born. He just threw a royal fit when I put him in the stroller and didn't snap out of it by the time I got a house or two away. Since it was still early 7am ish, I decided not to force the issue turned around. Instead, he used the time to take a nasty fall, biting his lip and getting blood all over me, him, and everything around us. Of course, when it first happened, I didn't know it was just the lip and got a bit freaked. I'm not really squeamish, but the whole blood thing…especially when it is coming from the mouth and through the teeth unnerves me a bit. We ended up taking Shadow with us out to the park for an hour or so before nap time. Then, I spent a good part of the afternoon getting blood out of everything and doing laundry. Ugh.
Sunday, we got up early, I stopped by the bank on the way to the park for our early morning walk to get cash for Noemi this week and found out that I was overdrawn. Damnit! I obviously made a mistake someplace, but haven't found time to fix it. Then, it was the mad rush to get us ready and out the door for my IUI. Then, I dropped a bunch of baby stuff off to a friend who is expecting twins soon and spend the afternoon visiting with another friend who has twins Max's age. Max had no nap (left at 9 am and didn't get home until 4:30 pm) so it was a mad rush to get the dog walked, Max dinner, and to bed early. The funniest and scariest thing that happened on Sunday was in the wind down period before bed, I was talking on the phone to a friend while Max played and the cat came to cuddle for a bit. He was so starved for attention, he even let Max near him and pet him for a bit before he took off. Max, being completely overtired, started to cry and chase him. City Boy took refuge outside through the doggie door and Max went right out after him. It took me about 10 - 20 seconds to realize this happened because I only heard the one "flap", but things got too quiet too fast so I went to investigate. As I got to the kitchen door to go find Max, I hear Max start to cry like he was hurt, but I couldn't find him. Finally, I realize that the sound is coming from the front courtyard and I run across the house to open the front door and Max is standing at the gate that City has just gone under out of reach. The whole thing took less than a minute. Max must have been giving City a run for his money to get around the house that fast. You have to know my house layout to truly appreciate the distance and logistics involved. Thankfully, Max has not attempted to go through the doggie door again.
Monday, I worked all day. Took a short break to spend some time with Max after Noemi left and Max went to bed. Then, I worked for a few more hours on a task long over due and pushed through and completed it even though I was so fricken tired because Max woke up somewhere in the 3 o'clock hour. He fell back to sleep for a bit, but I was just drifting off when hw woke up for good. Big relief to have another big work item hanging over my head from last year done. I escaped work for an hour to go to the eye doctor and found out that I do indeed need reading glasses. Diagnosis - slight stigmatism (eyes not exactly round per the doc when I asked what that meant). The only good news in this is that my insurance is pretty decent and my out of pocket f ore the exam, the lenses, and the frames was only $50. Glasses are not yet ready so I have not started using them.
Tuesday, a friend came over after I put Max to sleep and we watch the State of the Union and various media coverage like the democratic rebuttal that I had taped from an hour or so earlier. Then, we watch a bit of live coverage until we both had enough. So, it was another late night for me after another early morning with Max again waking up exceedingly early. As I was climbing into bed, I realized I hadn't seen the cat in awhile and he usually is around when this friend is over trying to win her over. I find out that he is locked in the garage again. I say again because a week or so ago, he got locked in the garage overnight without me realizing it. To defend myself, the first time it happened, my niece was still living with us and it was common that City would spend the first part of the night with her and then move to my room during the middle of the night so I didn't think anything of it when he wasn't around when I went to sleep. He seems no worse for the experience with the only lasting sign of the ordeal the paper towels I put over the pee in the garage that I have not yet picked up/cleaned up (because I want to wash the cement to get the smell/scent out to discourage "marking" in the future.
Wednesday. Hump Day. Mom came to dinner. I don't really remember much about Wednesday except the ottoman in the living room broke.
Today, Thursday, after a busy morning and early afternoon I played hooky and went to the grocery store since I will soon be out of milk, which is not a good thing. Makes me miss my niece all the more because she was really great about stopping for "the basics" like milk and eggs and such while she was out. My timing was off because I ended up trying to leave the grocery store right as the high school across the street was letting out. PITA! Made a mental note to not do that again. I got home right as Max and Noemi were going to the park. Since Max saw me, there was no way he wanted to leave so we let him play in the car while I unloaded the groceries. Then, he played while Noemi and I got everything put away. Then, Noemi walked Shadow and Max for me while I made dinner (Taco's), returned a few phone calls, ordered refills for some of Shadows meds, and tried to find my cell phone head set/blue tooth ear piece which must have fallen out of my purse at the grocery store. Damnit! I just bought that a month or so when I washed my last cell phone in the laundry. Another $100 gone. Getting back to dinner, I really don't know why I bother actually trying to cook a meal or offer Max a variety because he seems like like what I make in reverse proportion to how much effort I put into it. He took one bite and spit it out. So, Max had a quesadilla and peas instead and I guess I will be having left overs for a day or so. After Max went to bed, I fixed the broken ottoman and the dryer while thinking about how many things have broken or I have lost recently, the most expensive of which is my 1/2 carate diamond earring which still hasn't turned up and my patio table breaking in the wind storm a week or so ago.
Still left to fix is the toilet in my bathroom which started "running" and not filling properly right after my last trip to the hardware store to replace the latch/knob on my front door. Since I haven't had time to get the replacement part and/or fix it, I have had to turn the water off behind the toilet and then turn it back on when I need to flush it. Yes, another PITA (pain in the ass) situation. I also have to try to figure out how to put the cover back on the smoke detector after I replaced the battery a few weeks ago. It really shouldn't be that hard, but apparently, I can change the lock on my door, repair my dryer, fix the broken ottoman, but am incapable of putting a cover on a fire alarm. I best not dwell on that because it pisses me off, but I have been too busy and too frustrated to attempt it again.
Underlying things that have happened that cover the week is that Max is really starting to add new words to his vocabulary. He started saying "ci-ty" for our cat and "sha" for our dog shadow. I've also been thinking about how well he can communicate with his limited vocabulary. More is one of his favorites. Even used when he wants something that he hasn't just had like more phone, more light switch, more football (which can mean he actually wants to watch football or it could just mean that he wants to watch TV in general). However, NO and UP are probably used most often with football and more being in the top 5. I should note that he also calls all of his plethora of balls "football" and he calls basketball hoops footballs, include the two we have inside for him. The other day, I was sitting with Max and he was kind of hugging me (this has actually happened a few times) and he didn't want me sitting there or wanted me to get up and hold him touch something, so he held my shoulders and pulled and said, no, no, no (like no sit) until I got up and figured out what he wanted. For some reason, this week as I look at Max in spite of the lack of sleep that has been more prevalent this week than in quite some time I am just amazed. He is growing and changing so quickly. His face has filled out and changed a bit and he is just so cute and charming. His face is so expressive. He is funny and entertaining and so fun to be around even with the exerting of his will and the tantrums and such. Probably, the biggest problem right now is being a prisoner in my office when he is home during the day with his nanny. I used to be able to come out and say a quick hi and then go back to work. He is in such a mommy phase that it is better for him to not see me.
Another big thing on my mind this week was whether or not I even ovulated even though I triggered because my left ovary was sore enough this week that it could have just been a cyst and not an egg producing follicle. I thought about holding out on taking progesterone and getting a 7 dpo p4 test to see if I even ovulated, but decided to just start the progesterone, not worry about the blood draw since no matter what it said I would likely continue the progesterone until I have a beta that confirms that the cycle was a bust. As I ponder scenarios like this, I just continue to miss Dr. N. I just don't feel like I can email Dr. Q or Dr. A like I could Dr. N. Actually, the fact that the clinic was closed this weekend and I ended up doing the IUI at the sperm bank worked out for the best. Dr. N did every single IUI that I have had so far. I found it much easier to have the nurse practitioner do it at a completely different place than to have it done in the clinic without Dr. N. As I was getting groceries today, I was reminded of my early craving for lobster bisque on the cycle I conceived Max and how a friend said she figured I was pregnant when I told her about it (and that I had it for breakfast right as soon as I got home with it) and it kind of made me sad and happy remembering it at the same time. Yes, I did have a taste for taco's tonight and made them, but after having one, it really didn't taste good. Actually, this has probably been one of the easiest 2 ww that I have had. I mostly have forgotten that I am in even though it is in the back of my mind wondering (if that makes sense), probably since I am greater than 98% sure that it didn't work. The odds were so low given the poor lining, the possibility that it was a cyst, the fact even if it was an egg producing follicle the likelihood of the egg being "good" is incredibly small, etc. But, the chance is better than zero and my ovaries actually did something. Not much, but something. THAT makes me happy.
One of the blogs I have been following must have gone off air this week and a few others I have kept up with in the past have been inactive. While reading one of the few I keep up with that is updated regularly, I linked to a blog and linked to another blog and found Dr. Bitch. I spent several hours I don't have reading past posts about her open marriage, her boyfriend, and such. I ended up spending countless hours I didn't have this week browsing her site. I find her and her blog fascinating and it has made me think in a way I haven't in awhile. I have regretted not having more time as her site has left me wanting to read more, it is like a book I wasn't able to put down. She seems like such an interesting woman who is so completely different from me in thought and action. She is from "academia" which I never realized or even thought about, but what appears to be a strong sub-culture much like the single mom by choice one and the infertility one, but bigger. For the first time ever, I was able to understand what my ex-boy friend said when he didn't think cheating or infidelity was personal. Fidelity and "cheating' were one of the big sticking points in that relationship. Dr. B was able to explain her position in such a way, that I think I "get " it, finally 10 (15? 20?) years later. In addition to the content, her blog has got me wondering whether or not she actually type our Pseudonymous Kid (in reference of her son who seems to be at least 4 - 5 years older than Max) or if her program fills in the word after a few keystrokes and how she doesn't use abbreviations or short hand (must be the teacher in her) that I use and is used prevalently in my work and in the fertility and single mom sites I frequent. And, I am a bit in awe that she physically has time to work in what seems to be an interesting, but challenging job, have a child, a husband, AND a boyfriend when work and Max and trying to keep the house running with the support of nanny has been fried these days. Yes, her work seems to have more flexible hours and her son is older, but still… Anyway, one of the reasons I haven't posted this week is because most of my free computer time was immersed with Dr. B. Unlikely that I will ever be able to totally catch up (she started her blog in 2004, has posted regularly, and her posts tend to be long…yeah, I know….I have a propensity for that as well, but what I have been able to read has me interested and hooked in wanting more. Ugh, just what I need, another time waster, but I feel like I need to fill in the gaps. It is like a story that is unfished, even though I know the end (in that I have read her posts from the beginning of the year) but don't have the history and the story that came before, just snippets, but I'm still left without the whole. Truly a fascinating perspective that is so polar in almost any way to me and my life.
So, that's it, my week. Mostly mundane, somewhat philosophical, very busy, and not much sleep. No big plans for this weekend. Need to do a few errands (pick up meds for Shadow and make a Costco run) but other than that, quiet. I'm looking forward to it since the last few have seem so packed.
TGIF. It has been a long and tiring week.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
Highlights
Quick highlights of today.
!00% of my employees performance reviews are written. What a relief. Have to review a few of them still with there direct day to day leader, but the bulk is done and only minor editing now. Whew!
On whim, I called RE’s to schedule an u/s appt. early next week (cd 9 today) to see if anything was going on with my ovaries. They couldn’t get me in, but I rushed in today and have a follicle at 25 on my left. Office is closed, but triggering tonight to do an IUI Sunday morning at sperm bank with nurse practitioner. My lining was low and probably the egg quality sucks, but it is a chance. And, there is some life in my ovaries. Yipee!
Made eye appointment for Monday. Getting lots of headaches and eye strain. Don’t remember when I last had eye exam. Think I may need glasses. Yuck!
Max woke me up at 3:45 this morning. He went back to sleep for a bit, then whimpered in his crib until about 5:15 am when I got us both up. Tired!
My niece moved out today. It has been planned, but I’m going to really miss her. She actually was a perfect roommate and gave me hope that I could successfully live with another adult at some point in my future if it is the right person. Boo hoo! (on her leaving) Yeah!! (that it worked out so well for me, her, and Max).
!00% of my employees performance reviews are written. What a relief. Have to review a few of them still with there direct day to day leader, but the bulk is done and only minor editing now. Whew!
On whim, I called RE’s to schedule an u/s appt. early next week (cd 9 today) to see if anything was going on with my ovaries. They couldn’t get me in, but I rushed in today and have a follicle at 25 on my left. Office is closed, but triggering tonight to do an IUI Sunday morning at sperm bank with nurse practitioner. My lining was low and probably the egg quality sucks, but it is a chance. And, there is some life in my ovaries. Yipee!
Made eye appointment for Monday. Getting lots of headaches and eye strain. Don’t remember when I last had eye exam. Think I may need glasses. Yuck!
Max woke me up at 3:45 this morning. He went back to sleep for a bit, then whimpered in his crib until about 5:15 am when I got us both up. Tired!
My niece moved out today. It has been planned, but I’m going to really miss her. She actually was a perfect roommate and gave me hope that I could successfully live with another adult at some point in my future if it is the right person. Boo hoo! (on her leaving) Yeah!! (that it worked out so well for me, her, and Max).
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Forks and Praise
I’d like to talk about forks today. As I tell Max, forks are eating utensils. LOL. Yes, I really do tell him that just like I tell him spoons and chop sticks are eating utensils. I’m sure that I do talk down or baby talk to him sometimes, but I really try not to.
Max has started using a fork, a “real” one, the last few days. By “real” I mean a salad fork out of a normal place setting that has “sharp” pointy teeth on it. I have been offering him a fork or spoon depending on the meal on and off for a month or two now, but he really “got it” a few days ago… Saturday evening, if I remember correctly, because I gave him half a piece of birthday cake for dessert from the birthday party that we attended that afternoon, but left early as they were eating cake (as all the other kids were 3 or almost 3 and able to nicely sit around the table, Max was starting to get over stimulated, and it was time to get home and walk Shadow, have dinner, do the evening wind down routine). Anyway, Max was able to scoop up the cake as it easily stuck to the fork and get it into his mouth…for the first time. This was encouraged by me yelling “Bravo, Bravo, my son, well done. That’s exactly how you use a fork.” while I was clapping. Since Max is a total ham and will do just about anything for encouragement and praise, he kept doing it, getting more praise. Then, his cousin came out and added to the praise, much to his smiley delight and he had to show her how he could use the fork and she added to the clapping and verbal praise.
He can’t always get the food on the fork so either I will help him by “loading” it or he will pick up some food, put it on the fork with his fingers, then eat it. Very funny. He has started to put the food and fork near his mouth or just in his mouth without actually taking the food off while looking at you to see if THAT will get praise too in kind of a teasing fashion. Gosh this kid just makes me laugh. At such an early age, I can tell he has a good sense of humor and fun. And, yes, has to test, test, test every last thing. LOL.
Anyway, since my flight was cancelled, I got home yesterday as Max was eating breakfast and was signing “more”. Since I hadn’t yet had breakfast, I made some eggs for us* and gave him a fork to use. Noemi seemed a bit worried about this and took out one of the plastic kid forks we have and told me that these were “better” for the baby. I just smiled and told her that they aren’t as sharp and he can’t get the food as easily on them and reassured her that I only gave him the “real” forks when I was sitting with him watching him to make sure he didn’t puncture an eye or severely injure himself. I had to laugh and it reminded me of a conversation I had in Target a few months ago with a mom who was complaining that they only made decent metal spoons (or something like that) for kids and she couldn’t find any decent metal forks. I just nodded and wished her luck in her search because she also seemed horrified with the idea of giving a kid (and hers were several years older than Max by the looks of them) a regular fork.
I guess it is just me, but with proper supervision, I think it helps and it is easier to use. The whole thing just makes me smile. It’s not that I want Max to grow up too fast, but I also don’t want to baby him. Within the last week, he has been “ready” to use eating utensils (my friend said he was using a spoon while eating lunch at the baby shower we hosted on Sunday, but I didn’t see him) and I am just encouraging him and coaching him, which is what I think my job is as a parent. And, we both have fun with it. You should see his face light up when I praise him with “Bravo” for eating with a fork or “Wahoo” when making a basket or “Thank you for making beautiful music for your momma” when he plays the piano. He gets this big ole smile on his face, and of course, wants to do it again, and again, and again. If there is more than one person around, he will look to make sure everyone is watching and praising him.
Some times, he will be doing something he feels especially proud of and will start clapping for himself and look at you until you start clapping as well. Or, if I just give the verbal praise, but don’t clap, he will start clapping (even if it means putting down the fork or ball or whatever) to do so. Very, very funny.
I just love seeing him grow and develop. He is already growing up so fast. I try to remember to cherish the small moments now even as I can’t help but wonder what kind of boy, teenager, and man he will become.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there are many things about this stage that can be annoying like his new found fondness for being held to go along with the ‘up, up, up, up, up” that he follows you around saying until you do pick him up. It’s not so much that I mind except that he doesn’t really want to be held for mommy cuddles, he just wants access to more things like the buttons on the new VCR/DVD player Santa brought me for Christmas, or the basketball hoop that his Aunt Kris got him for Christmas, or the light switch so he can turn it on and off and on and off. And, I tire of these “games” much quicker than he does. Unless I have something really pressing to do, I try to reach my limit, then push myself to double it, and then double it again before putting him down while subtly trying to get him interested in something else or blatantly pushing him towards a new activity. **
Anyway, just thought I would share a new Max milestone since it has been on my mind and we have been having fun at mealtime with it.
* When I made the eggs, Noemi told me that he already had 4 waffles (small ones that amount to smaller than a piece of toast) and some fruit. She was shocked when I told her he could easily eat 8 or 9 and saw him eat what amounted to almost 2 eggs, a half piece of toast, and 2 small lil’ smokey sausages in addition to what she gave him. He may be skinny, but the kid can and does eat, unless he is not feeling well or is going through a non-eating phase which does happen about every 6 weeks or so.
** Like when we were at the Birthday party on Saturday and Max was in the kid room with just one other kids, who was at least a year or two older than Max was and who kept taking all the “balls” way from Max. After a few times of referring this, it was getting old and I said in a really happy upbeat voice, “Hey, Max, look what’s going on in this room over here. Let’s go see what the kids are doing over here.” as I walked out of the room with Max following behind me to see what he may be missing out on. The best part was the dad who was also in the room with his son (the one taking the toys away) who had been wanting to get out of that room but his son wouldn’t leave asking, “does that really work?” and tried it with his son and it did. LOL.
Max has started using a fork, a “real” one, the last few days. By “real” I mean a salad fork out of a normal place setting that has “sharp” pointy teeth on it. I have been offering him a fork or spoon depending on the meal on and off for a month or two now, but he really “got it” a few days ago… Saturday evening, if I remember correctly, because I gave him half a piece of birthday cake for dessert from the birthday party that we attended that afternoon, but left early as they were eating cake (as all the other kids were 3 or almost 3 and able to nicely sit around the table, Max was starting to get over stimulated, and it was time to get home and walk Shadow, have dinner, do the evening wind down routine). Anyway, Max was able to scoop up the cake as it easily stuck to the fork and get it into his mouth…for the first time. This was encouraged by me yelling “Bravo, Bravo, my son, well done. That’s exactly how you use a fork.” while I was clapping. Since Max is a total ham and will do just about anything for encouragement and praise, he kept doing it, getting more praise. Then, his cousin came out and added to the praise, much to his smiley delight and he had to show her how he could use the fork and she added to the clapping and verbal praise.
He can’t always get the food on the fork so either I will help him by “loading” it or he will pick up some food, put it on the fork with his fingers, then eat it. Very funny. He has started to put the food and fork near his mouth or just in his mouth without actually taking the food off while looking at you to see if THAT will get praise too in kind of a teasing fashion. Gosh this kid just makes me laugh. At such an early age, I can tell he has a good sense of humor and fun. And, yes, has to test, test, test every last thing. LOL.
Anyway, since my flight was cancelled, I got home yesterday as Max was eating breakfast and was signing “more”. Since I hadn’t yet had breakfast, I made some eggs for us* and gave him a fork to use. Noemi seemed a bit worried about this and took out one of the plastic kid forks we have and told me that these were “better” for the baby. I just smiled and told her that they aren’t as sharp and he can’t get the food as easily on them and reassured her that I only gave him the “real” forks when I was sitting with him watching him to make sure he didn’t puncture an eye or severely injure himself. I had to laugh and it reminded me of a conversation I had in Target a few months ago with a mom who was complaining that they only made decent metal spoons (or something like that) for kids and she couldn’t find any decent metal forks. I just nodded and wished her luck in her search because she also seemed horrified with the idea of giving a kid (and hers were several years older than Max by the looks of them) a regular fork.
I guess it is just me, but with proper supervision, I think it helps and it is easier to use. The whole thing just makes me smile. It’s not that I want Max to grow up too fast, but I also don’t want to baby him. Within the last week, he has been “ready” to use eating utensils (my friend said he was using a spoon while eating lunch at the baby shower we hosted on Sunday, but I didn’t see him) and I am just encouraging him and coaching him, which is what I think my job is as a parent. And, we both have fun with it. You should see his face light up when I praise him with “Bravo” for eating with a fork or “Wahoo” when making a basket or “Thank you for making beautiful music for your momma” when he plays the piano. He gets this big ole smile on his face, and of course, wants to do it again, and again, and again. If there is more than one person around, he will look to make sure everyone is watching and praising him.
Some times, he will be doing something he feels especially proud of and will start clapping for himself and look at you until you start clapping as well. Or, if I just give the verbal praise, but don’t clap, he will start clapping (even if it means putting down the fork or ball or whatever) to do so. Very, very funny.
I just love seeing him grow and develop. He is already growing up so fast. I try to remember to cherish the small moments now even as I can’t help but wonder what kind of boy, teenager, and man he will become.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there are many things about this stage that can be annoying like his new found fondness for being held to go along with the ‘up, up, up, up, up” that he follows you around saying until you do pick him up. It’s not so much that I mind except that he doesn’t really want to be held for mommy cuddles, he just wants access to more things like the buttons on the new VCR/DVD player Santa brought me for Christmas, or the basketball hoop that his Aunt Kris got him for Christmas, or the light switch so he can turn it on and off and on and off. And, I tire of these “games” much quicker than he does. Unless I have something really pressing to do, I try to reach my limit, then push myself to double it, and then double it again before putting him down while subtly trying to get him interested in something else or blatantly pushing him towards a new activity. **
Anyway, just thought I would share a new Max milestone since it has been on my mind and we have been having fun at mealtime with it.
* When I made the eggs, Noemi told me that he already had 4 waffles (small ones that amount to smaller than a piece of toast) and some fruit. She was shocked when I told her he could easily eat 8 or 9 and saw him eat what amounted to almost 2 eggs, a half piece of toast, and 2 small lil’ smokey sausages in addition to what she gave him. He may be skinny, but the kid can and does eat, unless he is not feeling well or is going through a non-eating phase which does happen about every 6 weeks or so.
** Like when we were at the Birthday party on Saturday and Max was in the kid room with just one other kids, who was at least a year or two older than Max was and who kept taking all the “balls” way from Max. After a few times of referring this, it was getting old and I said in a really happy upbeat voice, “Hey, Max, look what’s going on in this room over here. Let’s go see what the kids are doing over here.” as I walked out of the room with Max following behind me to see what he may be missing out on. The best part was the dad who was also in the room with his son (the one taking the toys away) who had been wanting to get out of that room but his son wouldn’t leave asking, “does that really work?” and tried it with his son and it did. LOL.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Wishes
I guess sometimes wishes do come true. I got to the airport this morning and my flight was cancelled. No flights to my destination until at least tomorrow night. Called my boss who said, go home, don’t bother. He wasn’t even sure if he or anyone else who wasn’t already there could get in. Likely, it is all totally cancelled and maybe rescheduled for February.
Now, in the whole scheme of things, I would have rather my wish for a second baby had come true.
Now, in the whole scheme of things, I would have rather my wish for a second baby had come true.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Fat and Frumpy
I just finished packing for my trip and am waiting on a load of laundry for a shirt that I decided I wanted to take. Everything is just a tad too tight including the shoes. There is not one day where the outfit completely fits the way I would like or feel completely comfortable. If I don’t button the buttons on two of the pairs of paints, they aren’t too bad. The most comfortable pair, I’m wearing tomorrow with a shirt that tugs right across the belly since tomorrow is going to be an incredibly long day. The other two tops fit fine, but will be worn with pants that are snug across the middle. However, one of them are short sleeves and the high in Texas is supposed to be in the 30’s while I am there. Great! So, I’m going to have to take the only coat I have which is an insolated gortex rain coat that is a bright lime green. Very professional – NOT. The last two times I traveled I was either pregnant or had delivered Max in a reasonable amount of time (was still breastfeeding so he must have been about 6 months?) to still be carrying extra baby weight. Sadly, I think I am actually heavier now since I have gained weight since I stopped breastfeeding. It’s almost enough to make a person cry if they were in that kind of mood. Oh well, I guess I will have to grin and bear it and pretend that I don’t know that I am a fat frumpy person.
Since I had a busy weekend with very little time, the lock on the front door broke and you can no longer enter through it. You can leave through it if you (only) twist the handle to the left. I spent Max’s nap on Saturday trying to fix it, but think it is beyond repair and will need to be replaced. That’s on tap for next weekend. Then, got back after a busy day helping to host a friends baby shower (left at 9:15 am and didn’t get home until about 4 pm) to find one of my sprinkler values leaking. Since I didn’t and won’t have time to call my yard guy, I just turned off the water value that feeds to those sprinklers until I get home. I can and have replaced sprinkler values, but it is too messy and a pain to try to do with Max around and in cold weather so I’ll be contracting out for that repair. Then, I’m in my office to get my suitcase and pack up my work stuff/computer and discovered that the battery in the smoke detector is going and needs to be replaced. So, I have to haul in the ladder and will have to do the same thing again when I get home since it takes a 9V of which I don’t have (the ONLY size I don’t currently have an abundance of).
I really wish I didn’t have to go. The thing is, I could have told them no. It would have my life so much easier, but it would have been the wrong thing to do. So, I will make the best of it after I ball my eyes out tomorrow morning when I leave. I had to really stop myself tonight when I put Max down and was telling him that when he wakes up, Mommy will probably be gone on a business trip for a few day and I won’t see him for a few days. I need to leave the house at 5 am and he should still be sleeping. Oh, I am going to miss him so much. As busy as my life is and as tired as I usually am at the end of the day, I really don’t want to be living another one. I love being a mommy. I’m going to miss him so.
The days are going to be really long while I am there, that will help in a lot of ways, but having too tight clothes about the belly will be a constant reminder of him since I was overweight before, but not as squishy in the middle. Sigh. And, I can’t really call to check in him because Noemi’s cell phone isn’t working and she doesn’t/won’t answer the house phone. And, even she did her English still isn’t that great and she would just tell me, “The baby’s fine. I take good care of him. I love him. Everything’s fine.” At least that’s what I hope. I’m a tad worried because Max developed a nasty rattly sounding cough this morning right before we left for the baby shower, he clearly wasn’t feeling that great today, and he got no nap today. I have the Vicks vaporizer set up in his room and spiked his bedtime milk with Tylenol and Benadryl and that has helped keep the cough to a minimum. I just hope he doesn’t get worse. I left my cell number and the home, cell, and office numbers for my friend who is a pediatrician and speaks Spanish’s. Yes, bad enough I have to leave the guy at all, but now he is sick, teething, and already been in a mommy, mommy, only want mommy phase since my Christmas vacation.
Okay, clothes are now in dryer and the alarm will wake me up very early if Max, a barfing cat, or a restless dog don’t first. I must go to bed. And, I will be repeating the mantra…”All will be fine. He will survive, you will survive. Maybe it isn’t ideal, but all will be fine”. Of course, I told him that while I was leaving him. I would be back. After the freak accident with Dr. N, I almost started crying and said a quick prayer to allow me to keep my word on that. Plus, I still don’t have my living will and trust in place. Must. Do. That. Soon. Really, really must.
Signed, Fat and Frumpy Deb who really must do something soon to try to loose some weight and this squishy round tummy that sadly looks like I could be pregnant like I really wish I was.
Since I had a busy weekend with very little time, the lock on the front door broke and you can no longer enter through it. You can leave through it if you (only) twist the handle to the left. I spent Max’s nap on Saturday trying to fix it, but think it is beyond repair and will need to be replaced. That’s on tap for next weekend. Then, got back after a busy day helping to host a friends baby shower (left at 9:15 am and didn’t get home until about 4 pm) to find one of my sprinkler values leaking. Since I didn’t and won’t have time to call my yard guy, I just turned off the water value that feeds to those sprinklers until I get home. I can and have replaced sprinkler values, but it is too messy and a pain to try to do with Max around and in cold weather so I’ll be contracting out for that repair. Then, I’m in my office to get my suitcase and pack up my work stuff/computer and discovered that the battery in the smoke detector is going and needs to be replaced. So, I have to haul in the ladder and will have to do the same thing again when I get home since it takes a 9V of which I don’t have (the ONLY size I don’t currently have an abundance of).
I really wish I didn’t have to go. The thing is, I could have told them no. It would have my life so much easier, but it would have been the wrong thing to do. So, I will make the best of it after I ball my eyes out tomorrow morning when I leave. I had to really stop myself tonight when I put Max down and was telling him that when he wakes up, Mommy will probably be gone on a business trip for a few day and I won’t see him for a few days. I need to leave the house at 5 am and he should still be sleeping. Oh, I am going to miss him so much. As busy as my life is and as tired as I usually am at the end of the day, I really don’t want to be living another one. I love being a mommy. I’m going to miss him so.
The days are going to be really long while I am there, that will help in a lot of ways, but having too tight clothes about the belly will be a constant reminder of him since I was overweight before, but not as squishy in the middle. Sigh. And, I can’t really call to check in him because Noemi’s cell phone isn’t working and she doesn’t/won’t answer the house phone. And, even she did her English still isn’t that great and she would just tell me, “The baby’s fine. I take good care of him. I love him. Everything’s fine.” At least that’s what I hope. I’m a tad worried because Max developed a nasty rattly sounding cough this morning right before we left for the baby shower, he clearly wasn’t feeling that great today, and he got no nap today. I have the Vicks vaporizer set up in his room and spiked his bedtime milk with Tylenol and Benadryl and that has helped keep the cough to a minimum. I just hope he doesn’t get worse. I left my cell number and the home, cell, and office numbers for my friend who is a pediatrician and speaks Spanish’s. Yes, bad enough I have to leave the guy at all, but now he is sick, teething, and already been in a mommy, mommy, only want mommy phase since my Christmas vacation.
Okay, clothes are now in dryer and the alarm will wake me up very early if Max, a barfing cat, or a restless dog don’t first. I must go to bed. And, I will be repeating the mantra…”All will be fine. He will survive, you will survive. Maybe it isn’t ideal, but all will be fine”. Of course, I told him that while I was leaving him. I would be back. After the freak accident with Dr. N, I almost started crying and said a quick prayer to allow me to keep my word on that. Plus, I still don’t have my living will and trust in place. Must. Do. That. Soon. Really, really must.
Signed, Fat and Frumpy Deb who really must do something soon to try to loose some weight and this squishy round tummy that sadly looks like I could be pregnant like I really wish I was.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Teething
Max vomited last night while sleeping again. And, was fussy* a bit this morning, but I think that was because it was really cold on our walk this morning, colder than I thought it would be and I forgot/didn’t think to bring his mittens and don’t think he was dressed warm enough. Once I got him warmed up, he was basically fine the rest of the day. He has no fever. My theory is that he is teething again. He is getting some mammoth back teeth in. Last month, they were the upper teeth** and this month the lower ones are coming in. They are huge. They look like adult teeth in a small child’s mouth. His poor gum is all red and swollen. I think what is happening is that since his teeth are bothering him, he is putting his fingers in his mouth while he sleeps causing him to gag and vomit. He has actually put his fingers in his mouth and started to gag a few times during the day, but Noemi and I tell him to stop, take them out, and he is more easily distracted. I didn’t come up with this theory until this afternoon after his nap, where he did not vomit, but really hadn’t eaten anything today to vomit up. He still really wants his milk, but refused dinner (chicken and rice). Then, wanted to snack on “fish” which he put right on the gums and I think made them feel a bit better. I gave him a teething toy he had never really used, but we have had forever and he did gnaw on that happily for several minutes. I spiked his milk tonight with some Tylenol. We will see how things go. It is just kind of odd that no one (including me who he has been “sharing” his milk with at night) has gotten sick and he is only vomiting at night. It’s an odd symptom, but I think it is the teeth. Poor guy. I hope they get in soon because it looks really sore.
Since I am going out of town next week, I typed up Max’s daily routine and tried to post it, but I have it in a table and the formatting is all screwed up so I’m not going to bother. I thought about scanning it and posting it as a picture, but I’m too tired and it feels like too much effort.
* screamed for the last few minutes of our walk and for about 10 minutes after we got home, which isn’t like him, until I had a soothing DVD on and we cuddled in the rocking chair under a warm blanket for awhile
** when he vomited for the first time ever a few times and again only in his sleep
Since I am going out of town next week, I typed up Max’s daily routine and tried to post it, but I have it in a table and the formatting is all screwed up so I’m not going to bother. I thought about scanning it and posting it as a picture, but I’m too tired and it feels like too much effort.
* screamed for the last few minutes of our walk and for about 10 minutes after we got home, which isn’t like him, until I had a soothing DVD on and we cuddled in the rocking chair under a warm blanket for awhile
** when he vomited for the first time ever a few times and again only in his sleep
Thursday, January 11, 2007
cd 43 --> cd 1
Just to prove that I have no clue as to what is going on from a female reproductive standpoint, I started my period today. The bad cycle that just wouldn’t end, finally did come to an end. I think I might email one of the RE’s, but I think this means that the progesterone results are meaningless and/or inconclusive. I went back and counted days from when I had the cervical mucus and thought I might have finally ovulated and it is well within range taking into consideration my luteal phase defect and all. I’m thinking about going on BCP’s for a month instead of oh natural. I’m going to ask the RE for his opinion on that as well. I have a few days to decide.
In work news, I have been busting my but to get all of the annual performance revies written in our corporate tool before it was “locked” tomorrow. I found out that we only have to have one part done by tomorrow and that the tool doesn’t lock for a few more weeks. I’m at about 75% complete and think I can get to at least 85 – 90% by tomorrow close of business. So, I am taking the night off. I’ve been working all day, spending a few hours with Max before I put him to bed, then working another few hours. I’m fried. I probability could actually be 100% by tomorrow if I put in another 3 – 4 hours tonight, but I would be pushing it I would have done it if I HAD to be done tomorrow, but I don’t.
In Max news, he vomited while taking a nap today. Seemed fine afterwards. He was a bit clingy and mommy, mommy, mommy today, but he has been a bit like that ever since the holiday’s were over and I’ve been back to work and hard, hard at work, with no breaks during the day. Often, I will take a 10 – 15 min. break after he eats lunch to cuddle with him and put him down for his nap. Then, when he wakes up, I will spend another 5 min. or so with him before Noemi takes him out to the park. And, he is just growing and developing so fast. This afternoon I was on the phone with one of my bosses when Max woke up from his nap. Then, Noemi put him straight into the tub since he had vomit all over him (was laying/sleeping in it for the duration of his nap). After that, I heard a rattle at my office door and in he comes. I’m in trouble. He has figured out how to turn the knob. He let himself in. My boss and I had a good laugh on that one. Good thing the door actually has a lock, because I may need it sometimes.
The Christmas pictures we took on New Years day are back already. I’ll have to see about getting them scanned and posted soon. First, I have to find time to pick them up or see if my niece can do it.* Ugh, life is so busy right now. Social engagements both days this weekend and then out of town for work next week. I guess I am going to just get a whole lot more tired. I can’t remember the last time I had caffeine and I don’t normally have any at all, but I have seriously thought about it a few times these last few days.
* She has been so darn good about things like that. She stopped today and got cat food for me. Big relief. I was completely out…of the hairball control kind. I have a back up back of the non-hairball, but he starts vomiting up hairballs if I don’t give him hairball control so all and all, a good thing for us all.
In work news, I have been busting my but to get all of the annual performance revies written in our corporate tool before it was “locked” tomorrow. I found out that we only have to have one part done by tomorrow and that the tool doesn’t lock for a few more weeks. I’m at about 75% complete and think I can get to at least 85 – 90% by tomorrow close of business. So, I am taking the night off. I’ve been working all day, spending a few hours with Max before I put him to bed, then working another few hours. I’m fried. I probability could actually be 100% by tomorrow if I put in another 3 – 4 hours tonight, but I would be pushing it I would have done it if I HAD to be done tomorrow, but I don’t.
In Max news, he vomited while taking a nap today. Seemed fine afterwards. He was a bit clingy and mommy, mommy, mommy today, but he has been a bit like that ever since the holiday’s were over and I’ve been back to work and hard, hard at work, with no breaks during the day. Often, I will take a 10 – 15 min. break after he eats lunch to cuddle with him and put him down for his nap. Then, when he wakes up, I will spend another 5 min. or so with him before Noemi takes him out to the park. And, he is just growing and developing so fast. This afternoon I was on the phone with one of my bosses when Max woke up from his nap. Then, Noemi put him straight into the tub since he had vomit all over him (was laying/sleeping in it for the duration of his nap). After that, I heard a rattle at my office door and in he comes. I’m in trouble. He has figured out how to turn the knob. He let himself in. My boss and I had a good laugh on that one. Good thing the door actually has a lock, because I may need it sometimes.
The Christmas pictures we took on New Years day are back already. I’ll have to see about getting them scanned and posted soon. First, I have to find time to pick them up or see if my niece can do it.* Ugh, life is so busy right now. Social engagements both days this weekend and then out of town for work next week. I guess I am going to just get a whole lot more tired. I can’t remember the last time I had caffeine and I don’t normally have any at all, but I have seriously thought about it a few times these last few days.
* She has been so darn good about things like that. She stopped today and got cat food for me. Big relief. I was completely out…of the hairball control kind. I have a back up back of the non-hairball, but he starts vomiting up hairballs if I don’t give him hairball control so all and all, a good thing for us all.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
P4 = 0.5
Labs came back fast. No ovulation. Looks like no period next week while on trip. Nurse coordinator and I agreed I will induce next week after trip with 3 cc’s of PIO (progesterone in oil).
> 4 ovulation
> 10 needed to maintain a pregnancy
> 15 desired progesterone on a medicated cycle
Then, wait to see if I have a normal cycle next month. If so, do cd3 labs and try to cycle again.
Damn! Damn!! Damn!!!
Things are very screwed up here.
> 4 ovulation
> 10 needed to maintain a pregnancy
> 15 desired progesterone on a medicated cycle
Then, wait to see if I have a normal cycle next month. If so, do cd3 labs and try to cycle again.
Damn! Damn!! Damn!!!
Things are very screwed up here.
Monday, January 08, 2007
cd 40
Today is officially cycle day 40 in the bad cycle that will just never end. Dropped off blood at the lab to check progesterone level. Bypassed RE’s and went straight to nurse coordinator for lab slip. Best case scenario is that I ovulated New Years weekend. Worse case scenario is that my cycle is just royal fucked up. Of course, if I ovulated, I will be having my period while on my business trip next week. Nice. However, probably things are just fucked up and I will never cycle again.
Work extremely busy as am paying for not getting things done last year like I should have. A tad stressed. Okay, more than a tad. Eating way to much chocolate that I never should have bought in the first place.
And, fucking high winds forever here lately day after day after day. It is ridiculous. However, now it is more than annoying as it blew over my patio table today and broke the glass. I guess I will be trying to deal with that tonight in the dark after Max goes to sleep before I start working again.
Decided on the way to donate blood to the ttc cause that anything cycle related will likely put me in bad mood lately. Still miss Dr. N. A lot.
Feeling sorry for myself at the moment like no one cares. I know, I know. Not true. Hey, emotions don’t have to be reality based.
Okay, eating last piece of chocolate for the day (I swear) and back to work. Blah!
I have never, ever had irregular periods whether I ovulated or not. Since my very first period way back when. Cd40! 40!! 4….0…. I’m depressed enough that I think I need one more piece of chocolate. Okay, I don’t NEED one more piece as in who ever really needs chocolate. But, think I am going to have one so then I can just add lack of self control, being fat, and body issues to things to feel badly about.
Work extremely busy as am paying for not getting things done last year like I should have. A tad stressed. Okay, more than a tad. Eating way to much chocolate that I never should have bought in the first place.
And, fucking high winds forever here lately day after day after day. It is ridiculous. However, now it is more than annoying as it blew over my patio table today and broke the glass. I guess I will be trying to deal with that tonight in the dark after Max goes to sleep before I start working again.
Decided on the way to donate blood to the ttc cause that anything cycle related will likely put me in bad mood lately. Still miss Dr. N. A lot.
Feeling sorry for myself at the moment like no one cares. I know, I know. Not true. Hey, emotions don’t have to be reality based.
Okay, eating last piece of chocolate for the day (I swear) and back to work. Blah!
I have never, ever had irregular periods whether I ovulated or not. Since my very first period way back when. Cd40! 40!! 4….0…. I’m depressed enough that I think I need one more piece of chocolate. Okay, I don’t NEED one more piece as in who ever really needs chocolate. But, think I am going to have one so then I can just add lack of self control, being fat, and body issues to things to feel badly about.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Shalom
This was sent to me by a friend and posted with permission. I enjoyed the sentiment so much, I wanted to pass it on. This friend has a daughter a few months younger than Max. She is "T42 with IVF#4 likely to start in January 2007, who was almost ready to give up in January 2005". Her daughter was conceived on IVF#2 after 1 IVF and 6 IUIs.
*****
"My Wish For You"
This year, I wish you "Shalom," in the fullest sense of the word. I studied Hebrew in seminary a few years ago and the word "Shalom" really resonated with me... and continues to resonate as I go through this process of trying to get pregnant. The word means "peace," but has a much fuller meaning than that one words suggests. There are seven variations and I have really thought and prayed over each of them over the past few years. Below is my wish for each of you in the coming year.... Please indulge me as I share my theological education with you. :)
My Wish for My SMC IF/TTC Friends in 2007
I wish you Shalom, in terms of peace in terms of completeness. May 2007 bring you peace in the completeness of your dreams to become a mother.
I wish you shalom, in terms of safety and soundness of body. May you and those you love remain safe and sound during 2007.
I wish you shalom, in terms of your welfare, health and prosperity. (This is the variation that is used when expressing pregnancy in the Bible!) May 2007 bring peace and healing to your body in whatever way is necessary. May prosperity find you and may everything be well in your welfare.
I wish you shalom, in terms of peace, quiet, tranquillity and contentment. May your heart and soul feel peaceful and calm in the coming year. May inner peace be a hallmark of your year.
I wish you shalom, in terms of peace in friendships and relationships. May your relationships flourish and may peace between you and all other people characterize this year.
I wish you shalom, in terms of peace from war. May you and those that you love remain safe from war in 2007. May our world become a more peaceful place for all children to live.
I wish you shalom, in terms of peace with God. Whatever your concept of a higher power, may it be one that brings you peace, comfort and strength.
*****
"My Wish For You"
This year, I wish you "Shalom," in the fullest sense of the word. I studied Hebrew in seminary a few years ago and the word "Shalom" really resonated with me... and continues to resonate as I go through this process of trying to get pregnant. The word means "peace," but has a much fuller meaning than that one words suggests. There are seven variations and I have really thought and prayed over each of them over the past few years. Below is my wish for each of you in the coming year.... Please indulge me as I share my theological education with you. :)
My Wish for My SMC IF/TTC Friends in 2007
I wish you Shalom, in terms of peace in terms of completeness. May 2007 bring you peace in the completeness of your dreams to become a mother.
I wish you shalom, in terms of safety and soundness of body. May you and those you love remain safe and sound during 2007.
I wish you shalom, in terms of your welfare, health and prosperity. (This is the variation that is used when expressing pregnancy in the Bible!) May 2007 bring peace and healing to your body in whatever way is necessary. May prosperity find you and may everything be well in your welfare.
I wish you shalom, in terms of peace, quiet, tranquillity and contentment. May your heart and soul feel peaceful and calm in the coming year. May inner peace be a hallmark of your year.
I wish you shalom, in terms of peace in friendships and relationships. May your relationships flourish and may peace between you and all other people characterize this year.
I wish you shalom, in terms of peace from war. May you and those that you love remain safe from war in 2007. May our world become a more peaceful place for all children to live.
I wish you shalom, in terms of peace with God. Whatever your concept of a higher power, may it be one that brings you peace, comfort and strength.
Monday, January 01, 2007
First and Last
My ex-boy friend almost got a call last night, but I was tipsy and disorganized enough that I couldn’t find his number. He left a message around Christmas and I still haven’t gotten back to him so I figured I could just use the number in message history, but the area code/number didn’t look right. Then, figured that it was already late enough and talking to any kind of ex after drinking is usually not a great idea anyway. LOL.
Yes, I did open the bubbly last night. Good thing a friend came over to share it with me otherwise, I would have really been hurting today. We had a nice time. Just put some tunes on the TV/Digital Cable channel, drank some bubbly and talked. It was nice. So nice, that she left later than planned and I got to bed WAY later than planned. And, yes, I have been paying for it today. This is the second New Years Eve that this friend and I have spent together. We met in December 2004 when we were both doing an IVF attempt. She got OHSS and I got cancelled for poor response on the same protocol with the same RE. We met in the clinic lobby the first time when she was returning “the tank” with her swimmers and I was heading out with it to pick up mine. Then, we met a few weeks later at a Single Mom by Choice (SMC) get together. She only attended a few, but we have remained friends. Sadly, she is still struggling/waiting for her child. I hope this year brings her closer to the family of her dreams.
Max, of course, showed me no mercy with a 5 am wake up call. Then, took a crappy short nap so I didn’t get one of those either. But, the nap thing was my own fault because we had a play date with a local SMC who has a boy a month younger than Max and I got him home late and he was pretty wound up.
Max is really starting to talk in words that I think probably people other than me can understand. He used to say one for a few days, then move on and not use that other word again. Now, he is just talking more and more. Of course, momma is one of his favorites (smile), followed closely with mommy. Nana has been a big one since my mom stayed over Christmas weekend. He has also been saying “up”, “poo poo” and ‘pee pee”. LOL. “Football” has been also used quite a bit the last week and was thrilled to have the game on while trying to put his football into the basket ball hoop that still hasn’t made it back outside yet. I think I have even heard "santa" a few times (while walking or driving past houses with holiday decoratons/Santas, but it sounds a lot like "nana" so I could just be mistaken or projecting on that one, but don't think so.
I lost one of my diamond earrings the other day. The ones I splurged on and bought for myself for my 40th Birthday. I’m still holding out a small hope that it will turn up because the afternoon I lost it, we stayed in except for a walk around the block. Took that route in the daylight today and didn’t find it. Ana, the cleaning lady, comes tomorrow and I hope that maybe she will come across it. Otherwise, I am going to be majorly bummed out. I’ve been praying to St. Christopher (or is it St. Andrew) who is the patron saint of lost articles. So far, it hasn’t done any good, I’m hoping that isn’t because I’m praying to the wrong saint.
I’m stretching my vacation and have tomorrow off as well with the plan to take down Christmas decorations. The flaw in the plan is that I forgot that Ana was coming to clean. I contemplated actually trying to do it tonight and even brought the boxes in the house, but decided to screw it and just do it tomorrow with her here making it more difficult for both of us.
I didn’t have any huge revelations on the ttc front since yesterday other than to be pretty sure that stopping at one is likely not the answer. Nor, do I think is adoption. I think I’m just going to wait a few weeks to see if I did ovulate over the weekend and get a 7 dpo progesterone test. Maybe if I did ovulate, I’ll give another go trying to cycle with my own eggs which was my plan all along. But, I have been thinking if I have/want 3, it would probably be better to try sooner rather than later with donor egg so that I had 2 with DE. Just seems to be a bit better for family dynamics and all. If I go with my own eggs and actually do get another child, maybe I’ll stop there at two. Don’t really know. Just thinking and pondering and trying to work it out in my mind and through my emotions.
To end the post as I began it by talking about my ex-bf, I don’t know how we got on the subject, exactly, but we started talking about “our first” s-e-x experiences last night. Got to love the girl talk! And, a scrap book of my college years got brought out when my friend asked to see pictures of the ex. It brought up some really good memories and fun times. Made me smile. Is making me smile again just thinking about it. And, made me realize that the first guy I ever had sex with is also the last guy I had sex with. How funny is that? Yes, it has been awhile and there were others in between and he doesn’t even live in this state. And yes, while I just saw him a few weeks ago right after Thanksgiving, I didn’t lure him into the bedroom away from a full house(hmm, who was here…my youngest sister, my cousin, her husband, her daughter, his brother, a mutual friend, the friends sister, and of course, him, me and Max). I can be bold, but not quite that bold. LOL. I’m sure he would have LOVED a call from me last night while I was a bit tipsy, but glad that I didn’t actually make the call.
So, my new years toast is to the first’s, the last’s, and full circles. May the year be filled with friends, family, and laughter. And, may it bring us closer to our dreams, whatever they may be.
Thinking about the ex made me remember that often things end up working out the way they were supposed to or even better than you planned even if you can’t see it, it is too hard to believe it, or you don’t want to believe it at the time. Kind of like that country song about unanswered prayers.
As I told Max, today is a very special day. It is not only the first day of the month of January. It is the first day of the New Year. A year filled with infinite possibilities. To which he responded “Football”, Got to love it and laugh! Max really is all boy.
Happy New Year!!!!
Yes, I did open the bubbly last night. Good thing a friend came over to share it with me otherwise, I would have really been hurting today. We had a nice time. Just put some tunes on the TV/Digital Cable channel, drank some bubbly and talked. It was nice. So nice, that she left later than planned and I got to bed WAY later than planned. And, yes, I have been paying for it today. This is the second New Years Eve that this friend and I have spent together. We met in December 2004 when we were both doing an IVF attempt. She got OHSS and I got cancelled for poor response on the same protocol with the same RE. We met in the clinic lobby the first time when she was returning “the tank” with her swimmers and I was heading out with it to pick up mine. Then, we met a few weeks later at a Single Mom by Choice (SMC) get together. She only attended a few, but we have remained friends. Sadly, she is still struggling/waiting for her child. I hope this year brings her closer to the family of her dreams.
Max, of course, showed me no mercy with a 5 am wake up call. Then, took a crappy short nap so I didn’t get one of those either. But, the nap thing was my own fault because we had a play date with a local SMC who has a boy a month younger than Max and I got him home late and he was pretty wound up.
Max is really starting to talk in words that I think probably people other than me can understand. He used to say one for a few days, then move on and not use that other word again. Now, he is just talking more and more. Of course, momma is one of his favorites (smile), followed closely with mommy. Nana has been a big one since my mom stayed over Christmas weekend. He has also been saying “up”, “poo poo” and ‘pee pee”. LOL. “Football” has been also used quite a bit the last week and was thrilled to have the game on while trying to put his football into the basket ball hoop that still hasn’t made it back outside yet. I think I have even heard "santa" a few times (while walking or driving past houses with holiday decoratons/Santas, but it sounds a lot like "nana" so I could just be mistaken or projecting on that one, but don't think so.
I lost one of my diamond earrings the other day. The ones I splurged on and bought for myself for my 40th Birthday. I’m still holding out a small hope that it will turn up because the afternoon I lost it, we stayed in except for a walk around the block. Took that route in the daylight today and didn’t find it. Ana, the cleaning lady, comes tomorrow and I hope that maybe she will come across it. Otherwise, I am going to be majorly bummed out. I’ve been praying to St. Christopher (or is it St. Andrew) who is the patron saint of lost articles. So far, it hasn’t done any good, I’m hoping that isn’t because I’m praying to the wrong saint.
I’m stretching my vacation and have tomorrow off as well with the plan to take down Christmas decorations. The flaw in the plan is that I forgot that Ana was coming to clean. I contemplated actually trying to do it tonight and even brought the boxes in the house, but decided to screw it and just do it tomorrow with her here making it more difficult for both of us.
I didn’t have any huge revelations on the ttc front since yesterday other than to be pretty sure that stopping at one is likely not the answer. Nor, do I think is adoption. I think I’m just going to wait a few weeks to see if I did ovulate over the weekend and get a 7 dpo progesterone test. Maybe if I did ovulate, I’ll give another go trying to cycle with my own eggs which was my plan all along. But, I have been thinking if I have/want 3, it would probably be better to try sooner rather than later with donor egg so that I had 2 with DE. Just seems to be a bit better for family dynamics and all. If I go with my own eggs and actually do get another child, maybe I’ll stop there at two. Don’t really know. Just thinking and pondering and trying to work it out in my mind and through my emotions.
To end the post as I began it by talking about my ex-bf, I don’t know how we got on the subject, exactly, but we started talking about “our first” s-e-x experiences last night. Got to love the girl talk! And, a scrap book of my college years got brought out when my friend asked to see pictures of the ex. It brought up some really good memories and fun times. Made me smile. Is making me smile again just thinking about it. And, made me realize that the first guy I ever had sex with is also the last guy I had sex with. How funny is that? Yes, it has been awhile and there were others in between and he doesn’t even live in this state. And yes, while I just saw him a few weeks ago right after Thanksgiving, I didn’t lure him into the bedroom away from a full house(hmm, who was here…my youngest sister, my cousin, her husband, her daughter, his brother, a mutual friend, the friends sister, and of course, him, me and Max). I can be bold, but not quite that bold. LOL. I’m sure he would have LOVED a call from me last night while I was a bit tipsy, but glad that I didn’t actually make the call.
So, my new years toast is to the first’s, the last’s, and full circles. May the year be filled with friends, family, and laughter. And, may it bring us closer to our dreams, whatever they may be.
Thinking about the ex made me remember that often things end up working out the way they were supposed to or even better than you planned even if you can’t see it, it is too hard to believe it, or you don’t want to believe it at the time. Kind of like that country song about unanswered prayers.
As I told Max, today is a very special day. It is not only the first day of the month of January. It is the first day of the New Year. A year filled with infinite possibilities. To which he responded “Football”, Got to love it and laugh! Max really is all boy.
Happy New Year!!!!
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Just don’t know
I sit here on the cusp of New Years Eve with a dab of makeup and curlers in my hair. Not, because I have any hot plans for tonight…don’t have the energy or desire…but, because I’m taking more formal pictures with Max and my niece this afternoon. We were suppose to take them a few days ago, but Max woke up from his nap sick and crying and crabby only wanting mommy, mommy, mommy. One of those days were you change yourself and the kid every few minutes because you get peed on, medicine all over, etc.
I have no resolutions or intention of making any. I usually can’t even remember them come mid-January, let alone actually keep them. Lately, when I wish upon a star or say a small prayer, it is for clarity and peace. Clarity to know if and how my family should become complete and peace with the decisions and my body for failing me on having a second child.
As this day closes, as the year ends, so does the outlier timeframe on my t42 attempts. I knew when I weaned early, it would likely not happen right away, but I thought it would happen. I always wanted two children close together. Two years apart is the biggest age spread that I wanted in “the dream”. And, for that to happen, I would have had to get pregnant this month. Which didn’t happen. I didn’t get to even play the game.
I just don’t know what I want to do next. What I should do next. If anything.
I’ve been thinking that maybe it is just meant to be me and Max.
Then, I think I need to at least give it a few more attempts to see if we can get life into my own ovaries/eggs.
Then, I think about donor egg.
I toss around adoption (which really seems totally overwhelming at this point) would be really the only way I could get a closer age spread at this point.
Each option has pro’s and con’s. I have been thinking about them. Mulling it over.
And still, I have no clear direction. I just don’t know.
What I wanted, I just can’t have, at this point. So, what is the next step? I just don’t know and wish I did. I’m a big planner. I like to have plans inside of plans. Having no real plan or direction is very hard for me.
I had some CM (cervical mucus) the other day. At first I thought it was my imagination. But, the next day it was clearly there. Since I am now on cd31 with no period, it is possible that I had a late ovulation. Of course, the clinic was closed for the holiday weekend. I may get a progesterone test a week from Monday just to see what it shows. If I ovulated. If my ovaries are functioning.
The thing is, since I’m not pregnant and there is nothing in site, I feel pressure to make other decisions like whether to put Max in out of the house day care. I feel like he is ready for a change and more stimulation, but like the control and convenience of having Noemi come.
There seem to be too many decisions. And, I seem incapable of making any concrete ones right now. So, by default, I am making the decision to stay the course a bit longer and see what happens.
And, wish for peace and clarity. And, pray for clarity and peace. And, vow to try not to control that which can’t be controlled.
Maybe I will drink one of those bottles of Champagne (a very good one) tonight after I put Max down, get a little toasty, have an early night and wish myself Happy New Year! Or, maybe I will just do the same ole’ same ole’ after I put him down. See can’t even make a fricken decision about that. I’m a lot of things, but indecisive is not usually one of them.
Happy New Year! May next year be the best year ever for us all. Please, god, please?
I have no resolutions or intention of making any. I usually can’t even remember them come mid-January, let alone actually keep them. Lately, when I wish upon a star or say a small prayer, it is for clarity and peace. Clarity to know if and how my family should become complete and peace with the decisions and my body for failing me on having a second child.
As this day closes, as the year ends, so does the outlier timeframe on my t42 attempts. I knew when I weaned early, it would likely not happen right away, but I thought it would happen. I always wanted two children close together. Two years apart is the biggest age spread that I wanted in “the dream”. And, for that to happen, I would have had to get pregnant this month. Which didn’t happen. I didn’t get to even play the game.
I just don’t know what I want to do next. What I should do next. If anything.
I’ve been thinking that maybe it is just meant to be me and Max.
Then, I think I need to at least give it a few more attempts to see if we can get life into my own ovaries/eggs.
Then, I think about donor egg.
I toss around adoption (which really seems totally overwhelming at this point) would be really the only way I could get a closer age spread at this point.
Each option has pro’s and con’s. I have been thinking about them. Mulling it over.
And still, I have no clear direction. I just don’t know.
What I wanted, I just can’t have, at this point. So, what is the next step? I just don’t know and wish I did. I’m a big planner. I like to have plans inside of plans. Having no real plan or direction is very hard for me.
I had some CM (cervical mucus) the other day. At first I thought it was my imagination. But, the next day it was clearly there. Since I am now on cd31 with no period, it is possible that I had a late ovulation. Of course, the clinic was closed for the holiday weekend. I may get a progesterone test a week from Monday just to see what it shows. If I ovulated. If my ovaries are functioning.
The thing is, since I’m not pregnant and there is nothing in site, I feel pressure to make other decisions like whether to put Max in out of the house day care. I feel like he is ready for a change and more stimulation, but like the control and convenience of having Noemi come.
There seem to be too many decisions. And, I seem incapable of making any concrete ones right now. So, by default, I am making the decision to stay the course a bit longer and see what happens.
And, wish for peace and clarity. And, pray for clarity and peace. And, vow to try not to control that which can’t be controlled.
Maybe I will drink one of those bottles of Champagne (a very good one) tonight after I put Max down, get a little toasty, have an early night and wish myself Happy New Year! Or, maybe I will just do the same ole’ same ole’ after I put him down. See can’t even make a fricken decision about that. I’m a lot of things, but indecisive is not usually one of them.
Happy New Year! May next year be the best year ever for us all. Please, god, please?
Monday, December 25, 2006
Merry Christmas 2006
Pictures from earlier in the month of our tree and decorations.
Christmas Tree
Christmas Decorations
Pictures from Christmas morning/day.
Momma and Max in our Christmas PJ's and the presents from Santa.
Max in Christmas PJ's playing with present from Santa.
Max playing with other present from Santa (mat) and football from his Aunt Kris.
Max in his new Charger outfit, playing basket ball (at 16 months).
Max "playing" basketball.
Max making a basket (with Momma's help) in his new basketball hoop.
We had a very nice and relaxing Christmas. It was a small gathering with just my mom and youngest sister Kris spending the day with us. Max has been totally into basketball since I took him to a high school JV game a few weeks ago to see a team that a friends sister coaches. He will turn on and change the channel on the TV to find a game; run to find our basket ball, and keep saying to the TV “basket ball”.. He will point out basket ball courts and hoops when driving. He will now, want to run up and down the court when we go to a park that has them. He also likes football, will turn on a football game, get his football, and say “football”. He can play for 20 minutes with a tennis ball. When we go on walks, if we pass a lemon or orange tree, he will want you to pick one for him, and when you give it to him, he will say, ‘ball”. He loves all balls, but his current favorite is basket ball. I mentioned to my youngest sister, who used to be a professional soccer play and very into sports that Max could use a smaller size basketball for Christmas since we only had “my” official adult size one. She went all out and got him a hoop, 3 different size basketballs, and a small soccer and football that came with the smallest basketball (seen featured in these pictures). He liked the presents from Santa (the wooden cube and the mat), but loved the balls and the hoop.
Max really had no interest in opening the presents or in the presents themselves until they were already open. We opened a few family gifts on Christmas eve, the gifts from Santa (which weren’t wrapped) and gifts from friends/relatives in the morning, and then a few more later in the morning. Max seemed a bit overwhelmed by everything at a certain point and would play with the “old” familiar toys (other than the balls) until later today after they had sat around the house for awhile. I actually held back a few gifts from me that I will give to him at a later time because it is just so much. He got a sit-n-spin, a 3-1 toddler basketball, a little people ship, a little people farm, several books, a little tikes tool box (from me), on top of the presents from my sister and Santa. I have no idea where I am going to put all of this stuff. I think tomorrow, I will put some of it away for awhile and rotate through a new one every week for awhile to make it not so overwhelming for us both.
In ovary news, my ovaries really felt like they may burst on Christmas eve, but feels like things are subsiding now. So, possibly, I did have some follicles grow and ovulated, otherwise, I don’t really know what it could have been. Too bad, the timing was so off that I couldn’t get in for an u/s to see what was going on there.
We had a nice breakfast of sausage, bacon, eggs, and fruit. Then, snacked the rest of the day and had left overs tonight. So, no big cooking or clean up. Thank goodness, because it was enough as it was dishes wise on top of all of the wrapping paper, boxes, and stuff. Anyway, all and all, it was a very nice Christmas.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
ps. In some of these pictures, can you believe that Max is only 16 months?
Christmas Tree
Christmas Decorations
Pictures from Christmas morning/day.
Momma and Max in our Christmas PJ's and the presents from Santa.
Max in Christmas PJ's playing with present from Santa.
Max playing with other present from Santa (mat) and football from his Aunt Kris.
Max in his new Charger outfit, playing basket ball (at 16 months).
Max "playing" basketball.
Max making a basket (with Momma's help) in his new basketball hoop.
We had a very nice and relaxing Christmas. It was a small gathering with just my mom and youngest sister Kris spending the day with us. Max has been totally into basketball since I took him to a high school JV game a few weeks ago to see a team that a friends sister coaches. He will turn on and change the channel on the TV to find a game; run to find our basket ball, and keep saying to the TV “basket ball”.. He will point out basket ball courts and hoops when driving. He will now, want to run up and down the court when we go to a park that has them. He also likes football, will turn on a football game, get his football, and say “football”. He can play for 20 minutes with a tennis ball. When we go on walks, if we pass a lemon or orange tree, he will want you to pick one for him, and when you give it to him, he will say, ‘ball”. He loves all balls, but his current favorite is basket ball. I mentioned to my youngest sister, who used to be a professional soccer play and very into sports that Max could use a smaller size basketball for Christmas since we only had “my” official adult size one. She went all out and got him a hoop, 3 different size basketballs, and a small soccer and football that came with the smallest basketball (seen featured in these pictures). He liked the presents from Santa (the wooden cube and the mat), but loved the balls and the hoop.
Max really had no interest in opening the presents or in the presents themselves until they were already open. We opened a few family gifts on Christmas eve, the gifts from Santa (which weren’t wrapped) and gifts from friends/relatives in the morning, and then a few more later in the morning. Max seemed a bit overwhelmed by everything at a certain point and would play with the “old” familiar toys (other than the balls) until later today after they had sat around the house for awhile. I actually held back a few gifts from me that I will give to him at a later time because it is just so much. He got a sit-n-spin, a 3-1 toddler basketball, a little people ship, a little people farm, several books, a little tikes tool box (from me), on top of the presents from my sister and Santa. I have no idea where I am going to put all of this stuff. I think tomorrow, I will put some of it away for awhile and rotate through a new one every week for awhile to make it not so overwhelming for us both.
In ovary news, my ovaries really felt like they may burst on Christmas eve, but feels like things are subsiding now. So, possibly, I did have some follicles grow and ovulated, otherwise, I don’t really know what it could have been. Too bad, the timing was so off that I couldn’t get in for an u/s to see what was going on there.
We had a nice breakfast of sausage, bacon, eggs, and fruit. Then, snacked the rest of the day and had left overs tonight. So, no big cooking or clean up. Thank goodness, because it was enough as it was dishes wise on top of all of the wrapping paper, boxes, and stuff. Anyway, all and all, it was a very nice Christmas.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
ps. In some of these pictures, can you believe that Max is only 16 months?
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Getting into the spirit
I’m starting to get into the spirit of the holiday over here. I realized last night after I posted that I had been carrying around a lot of toxic, negative thoughts for awhile and getting them out has helped. My ovaries, especially my left, are still really sore, but I have decided just to wait until next week to email/call if they are still bugging me.
I’m almost ready for Christmas, I have three more gifts (ornaments) to order for my sisters kids, but have already told her they won’t get there by Christmas and they do have another present from me under the tree. I have picked them out, but just need to order them. I started getting them each an ornament every year since they were born and have been regretting it the last year or two, sigh, but can’t really stop now, can I?
My mom is here and has at least tried to help. I told her last night after Max was down that this was the time of night that it was really hard for me to have company and to not be crabby. I told her that I needed some “me” time along with an early bed time since I am up so early. So, I (mostly) don’t feel guilty for ignoring her for the last hour while I caught up on the computer, did a load of laundry, picked up the house, fed the animals, loaded and set the dishwasher, etc.
A friend told me that a local grocery story had a Christmas dinner special that was pretty good, except for the stuffing, so I ordered us one. However, they didn’t have any at that store so we have to pick it up about 20 minutes away. My mom and niece are going to do that tomorrow for me. For $50 you get a turkey, mash potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauces, green bean casserole, and a pie. It is supposed to feed between 6 – 8. Everyone coming is fine/thrilled with it so we are not stressed, in the kitchen, and have time to relax. My sister who is not here was horrified. I said, yeah, well if you were here, you would either make a nice meal or at least help. Took a lot of pressure off.
Finally, I am kind of looking forward to the holiday. It just seems like so much really sucky stuff has happened lately. Christmas is usually my favorite holiday and it has just seem like such a chore and that I was “checking things off the list” rather than enjoying the season like I normally do.
I can finally say MERRY CHRISTMAS and mean it.
I’m almost ready for Christmas, I have three more gifts (ornaments) to order for my sisters kids, but have already told her they won’t get there by Christmas and they do have another present from me under the tree. I have picked them out, but just need to order them. I started getting them each an ornament every year since they were born and have been regretting it the last year or two, sigh, but can’t really stop now, can I?
My mom is here and has at least tried to help. I told her last night after Max was down that this was the time of night that it was really hard for me to have company and to not be crabby. I told her that I needed some “me” time along with an early bed time since I am up so early. So, I (mostly) don’t feel guilty for ignoring her for the last hour while I caught up on the computer, did a load of laundry, picked up the house, fed the animals, loaded and set the dishwasher, etc.
A friend told me that a local grocery story had a Christmas dinner special that was pretty good, except for the stuffing, so I ordered us one. However, they didn’t have any at that store so we have to pick it up about 20 minutes away. My mom and niece are going to do that tomorrow for me. For $50 you get a turkey, mash potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauces, green bean casserole, and a pie. It is supposed to feed between 6 – 8. Everyone coming is fine/thrilled with it so we are not stressed, in the kitchen, and have time to relax. My sister who is not here was horrified. I said, yeah, well if you were here, you would either make a nice meal or at least help. Took a lot of pressure off.
Finally, I am kind of looking forward to the holiday. It just seems like so much really sucky stuff has happened lately. Christmas is usually my favorite holiday and it has just seem like such a chore and that I was “checking things off the list” rather than enjoying the season like I normally do.
I can finally say MERRY CHRISTMAS and mean it.
Friday, December 22, 2006
On my mind
I should be wrapping Christmas presents, but instead I’m making my way through a bag of peanut M&M’s. I’ve been doing really great with not eating junk lately because I haven’t had any in the house, have resisted buying any while at the store and declined most holiday social gatherings because I haven’t had time and haven’t felt like trying to get a sitter. But, the M&M’s screamed at me while I was out doing last minute shopping.
I could also be trying to get my sister and my cousins new address, but really I don’t feel like it at this moment. Max is napping. Noemi is cleaning. My mom is headed over for the weekend. So, I’m going to enjoy my quite ‘me’ time while it lasts.
Some things that have been on my mind….
I’ve never been a nervous driver. Even when I first started driving, I was confident and did well with it. Since Dr. N died, I’m more contentious and thoughtful and just a tad nervous. Not that I think it really shows or anyone else would notice, but I do inside of me. I haven’t been driving in the far left lane or car pool lane most of the time because a friend told me that she saw or read something that said that the number one thing you can do to prevent a death (not including diet, exercise, etc.) was to not drive in the far left lane. Plus, I see these people driving, like this morning when I was running some errands, taking all kinds of foolish risks. Running red lights. Blowing through stop signs. Pulling out in front of people. I won’t even talk about the parking lot behavior. I just want to stop them and tell them to slow down, be more cautious, if not for themselves, then for others. Yet, I know that it would really do no good, because, you know, they are in a hurry, think they are beyond the rules or good rood etiquette. Really, I just see this behavior and it makes me sad.
I’m feeling kind of lost ttc wise. I always loved going to my clinic and emailing Dr. N and running theories and plans inside of plans by him. Especially since my consult with Dr. A, I don’t really feel like “I” have a doctor that is mine. Seems Dr. A and Dr. Q are going to jointly take me on. Probably it is best in the long run, but is leaving me feeling kind of lost right now. I want someone to tell me why they think my ovaries are sore. Not sure if I should email one or the other or both and figure they are just so busy right now they don’t have time for little ole me. It has crossed my mind to try to start fresh someplace else with a new clinic/RE, but I think it is too late in the game for that for me. Who would want to take on my case at this point? Plus, I don’t want some RE trying to tell me what to do. I want final say, which I will have where I am at. For example, doing dex with an IUI cycle. I don’t want someone telling me it is hopeless and they won’t take me on and I don’t want someone to just blindly have to follow some RE’s orders.
Did I mention that I have to be out of town for 4 days in the middle of January for work? I’ve been worrying and trying not to worry about this. Two friends said they would watch Max for me. My sister said that she would do it, which would be more ideal because then Max would be in his own house in his own bed at night, but only if her daughter still wasn’t living here at the time. I have a lot of thoughts, mostly ill will ones towards my sister on that. I just can’t imagine getting to a point that I would feel that uncomfortable or have that much animosity towards one of my children. It is really sad.
My sister, her husband, and her youngest daughter are in Seattle this year for Christmas visiting her husbands family. Her other daughter was not invited and will be spending Christmas here. Can you imagine? I know N is very hurt by this, who wouldn’t be. It just makes me so sad and angry. They do talk on the phone occasionally, but are not really communicating. My sister dropped off a bunch of presents the other day before she left, a lot for N. N told her that she didn’t really want any presents and would rather they talk and work things out. My sister didn’t, wouldn’t, and doesn’t get it and why N would be upset by the hypocrisy. Staying out of it has been hard, but I have so far. I’m just trying to give N as much love and support and family as I can right now.
I told Noemi the other day about my work trip in January and how I didn’t know who was going to watch Max; either my sister or one of my friends (who her cousin works for several days a week and Noemi knows well). Noemi came back the next day and told me she talked to her husband and that if my sister can’t stay, she would be happy to stay over night, for no extra money, because she loves Max and it will be better for him. We can both see him crying and not sleeping well and having a hard time adjusting. If my sister can’t/won’t stay, I probably will take Noemi up on that and I will pay her extra.
Of course, she tells me this right after I had been thinking petty thoughts about how I hate it when she leaves Max’s excersaucer on Shadow’s bed when she does the floor every day, or how she piles all my shoes/slippers up so I have to dig through them to find what I want, or how she touches and rearranges my bath towels every day. I know, I know, I should probably just tell her, BUT, I know it is just so stupid and petty that I can’t bring myself to even try to say the words. And, she really is good with and does love Max.
I have been very stupid financially lately. I’ve just been so busy, I haven’t gotten to my bills in a timely manner, haven’t balanced things, etc. and I have made some stupid mistakes that have cost me money. For example, with a late fee and a higher interest rate on one of my cards. Or, when I paid almost $600 to the gas company instead of the electric company. These are just a few of several. I keep trying to tell myself to give me a break, it hasn’t been the easiest few months and in the whole scheme of things. But, it is just such a waste of money. It makes me mad at myself. With all of the extra Christmas stuff, money is tighter than I like right now and than it has been in a long time.
I really want to send some money in memory of Dr. N to their children’s education fund, but can’t swing the amount I would like to donate ($500) right now. I’ve thought about doing less now and more later, but have decided to wait until January or early February. I just get the impression that money is an issue for Dr. P now that Dr. N has passed. And, I want to help if I can.
There is this radio station here that is granting Christmas Wishes. People call up and leave a message and they with the help of sponsors are donating gift cards and groceries and stuff to help some less fortunate for Christmas. I have thought about calling up and leaving a Christmas wish for Dr. P and the kids, but haven’t because I am not sure if it would be overstepping my bounds or if it would be welcome or what. Probably, things aren’t desperate for her, but I just get a strong feeling like money is going to be a huge issue and I know all too well how money trouble sucks and the weight that could cause on top of her grief. I just know how much I miss Dr. N and how badly I feel and it has to be nothing compared to that of his family. I can’t get them off my mind for long.
I ran out of Christmas cards. I should have ordered at least 5 or 10 more. Oh well, too late now. I guess I will just forgo sending the rest or send an email proof of the card. How tacky!
It has been cold and damp. Shadow still wants to “go” but is struggling a bit. I’ve been giving her pain meds every day recently to try and help her discomfort. She is having a hard time getting in and out of the car even with the twist step I have so this morning I put the carpets stairs that we use at home in the back of the car with her and took it with us so we could go see the ducks like we do most Friday mornings. Yesterday, we just walked around the neighborhood in the morning instead of going to a park. It was cold (34 degrees F) and the ground was icy and frosty. We were about ¾ of the way and Max sat down on someone’s lawn to rest. Shadow laid down next to him and Max scooted over and gave Shadow a big lay on top of you hug with a big smile. Shadow is so great with him even though it has to hurt her when he climbs over and on or tries to ride her. I keep telling myself she has had a long (16 years) well lived life, but I am not ready to loose her. She has slipped a few times on the tile floor in the house and will stand and sure herself up if she needs to leave the carpet to go onto the tile now. I’m not ready to loose her.
I felt slightly guilty after Max and Noemi left this morning about Max potentially having Chicken Pox and that I shouldn’t have let them go, but I really don’t think it is Chicken Pox and he is feeling fine and really needed to leave the house for a bit today. The truth is I didn’t really even think about it until after they were gone, but probably would have let them go anyway if I had. I remember complaining awhile back about people taking their kids out sick and how inconsiderate that is, and now I am potentially one of those people. Sigh.
There are probably a few other random thoughts I have been thinking about and need to get off my chest before going into the holiday weekend, one where my mom will be spending here with me testing my patients and good will, but I think I got all the big ticket items and worries out.
Now, back to completing the tasks at hand.
I could also be trying to get my sister and my cousins new address, but really I don’t feel like it at this moment. Max is napping. Noemi is cleaning. My mom is headed over for the weekend. So, I’m going to enjoy my quite ‘me’ time while it lasts.
Some things that have been on my mind….
I’ve never been a nervous driver. Even when I first started driving, I was confident and did well with it. Since Dr. N died, I’m more contentious and thoughtful and just a tad nervous. Not that I think it really shows or anyone else would notice, but I do inside of me. I haven’t been driving in the far left lane or car pool lane most of the time because a friend told me that she saw or read something that said that the number one thing you can do to prevent a death (not including diet, exercise, etc.) was to not drive in the far left lane. Plus, I see these people driving, like this morning when I was running some errands, taking all kinds of foolish risks. Running red lights. Blowing through stop signs. Pulling out in front of people. I won’t even talk about the parking lot behavior. I just want to stop them and tell them to slow down, be more cautious, if not for themselves, then for others. Yet, I know that it would really do no good, because, you know, they are in a hurry, think they are beyond the rules or good rood etiquette. Really, I just see this behavior and it makes me sad.
I’m feeling kind of lost ttc wise. I always loved going to my clinic and emailing Dr. N and running theories and plans inside of plans by him. Especially since my consult with Dr. A, I don’t really feel like “I” have a doctor that is mine. Seems Dr. A and Dr. Q are going to jointly take me on. Probably it is best in the long run, but is leaving me feeling kind of lost right now. I want someone to tell me why they think my ovaries are sore. Not sure if I should email one or the other or both and figure they are just so busy right now they don’t have time for little ole me. It has crossed my mind to try to start fresh someplace else with a new clinic/RE, but I think it is too late in the game for that for me. Who would want to take on my case at this point? Plus, I don’t want some RE trying to tell me what to do. I want final say, which I will have where I am at. For example, doing dex with an IUI cycle. I don’t want someone telling me it is hopeless and they won’t take me on and I don’t want someone to just blindly have to follow some RE’s orders.
Did I mention that I have to be out of town for 4 days in the middle of January for work? I’ve been worrying and trying not to worry about this. Two friends said they would watch Max for me. My sister said that she would do it, which would be more ideal because then Max would be in his own house in his own bed at night, but only if her daughter still wasn’t living here at the time. I have a lot of thoughts, mostly ill will ones towards my sister on that. I just can’t imagine getting to a point that I would feel that uncomfortable or have that much animosity towards one of my children. It is really sad.
My sister, her husband, and her youngest daughter are in Seattle this year for Christmas visiting her husbands family. Her other daughter was not invited and will be spending Christmas here. Can you imagine? I know N is very hurt by this, who wouldn’t be. It just makes me so sad and angry. They do talk on the phone occasionally, but are not really communicating. My sister dropped off a bunch of presents the other day before she left, a lot for N. N told her that she didn’t really want any presents and would rather they talk and work things out. My sister didn’t, wouldn’t, and doesn’t get it and why N would be upset by the hypocrisy. Staying out of it has been hard, but I have so far. I’m just trying to give N as much love and support and family as I can right now.
I told Noemi the other day about my work trip in January and how I didn’t know who was going to watch Max; either my sister or one of my friends (who her cousin works for several days a week and Noemi knows well). Noemi came back the next day and told me she talked to her husband and that if my sister can’t stay, she would be happy to stay over night, for no extra money, because she loves Max and it will be better for him. We can both see him crying and not sleeping well and having a hard time adjusting. If my sister can’t/won’t stay, I probably will take Noemi up on that and I will pay her extra.
Of course, she tells me this right after I had been thinking petty thoughts about how I hate it when she leaves Max’s excersaucer on Shadow’s bed when she does the floor every day, or how she piles all my shoes/slippers up so I have to dig through them to find what I want, or how she touches and rearranges my bath towels every day. I know, I know, I should probably just tell her, BUT, I know it is just so stupid and petty that I can’t bring myself to even try to say the words. And, she really is good with and does love Max.
I have been very stupid financially lately. I’ve just been so busy, I haven’t gotten to my bills in a timely manner, haven’t balanced things, etc. and I have made some stupid mistakes that have cost me money. For example, with a late fee and a higher interest rate on one of my cards. Or, when I paid almost $600 to the gas company instead of the electric company. These are just a few of several. I keep trying to tell myself to give me a break, it hasn’t been the easiest few months and in the whole scheme of things. But, it is just such a waste of money. It makes me mad at myself. With all of the extra Christmas stuff, money is tighter than I like right now and than it has been in a long time.
I really want to send some money in memory of Dr. N to their children’s education fund, but can’t swing the amount I would like to donate ($500) right now. I’ve thought about doing less now and more later, but have decided to wait until January or early February. I just get the impression that money is an issue for Dr. P now that Dr. N has passed. And, I want to help if I can.
There is this radio station here that is granting Christmas Wishes. People call up and leave a message and they with the help of sponsors are donating gift cards and groceries and stuff to help some less fortunate for Christmas. I have thought about calling up and leaving a Christmas wish for Dr. P and the kids, but haven’t because I am not sure if it would be overstepping my bounds or if it would be welcome or what. Probably, things aren’t desperate for her, but I just get a strong feeling like money is going to be a huge issue and I know all too well how money trouble sucks and the weight that could cause on top of her grief. I just know how much I miss Dr. N and how badly I feel and it has to be nothing compared to that of his family. I can’t get them off my mind for long.
I ran out of Christmas cards. I should have ordered at least 5 or 10 more. Oh well, too late now. I guess I will just forgo sending the rest or send an email proof of the card. How tacky!
It has been cold and damp. Shadow still wants to “go” but is struggling a bit. I’ve been giving her pain meds every day recently to try and help her discomfort. She is having a hard time getting in and out of the car even with the twist step I have so this morning I put the carpets stairs that we use at home in the back of the car with her and took it with us so we could go see the ducks like we do most Friday mornings. Yesterday, we just walked around the neighborhood in the morning instead of going to a park. It was cold (34 degrees F) and the ground was icy and frosty. We were about ¾ of the way and Max sat down on someone’s lawn to rest. Shadow laid down next to him and Max scooted over and gave Shadow a big lay on top of you hug with a big smile. Shadow is so great with him even though it has to hurt her when he climbs over and on or tries to ride her. I keep telling myself she has had a long (16 years) well lived life, but I am not ready to loose her. She has slipped a few times on the tile floor in the house and will stand and sure herself up if she needs to leave the carpet to go onto the tile now. I’m not ready to loose her.
I felt slightly guilty after Max and Noemi left this morning about Max potentially having Chicken Pox and that I shouldn’t have let them go, but I really don’t think it is Chicken Pox and he is feeling fine and really needed to leave the house for a bit today. The truth is I didn’t really even think about it until after they were gone, but probably would have let them go anyway if I had. I remember complaining awhile back about people taking their kids out sick and how inconsiderate that is, and now I am potentially one of those people. Sigh.
There are probably a few other random thoughts I have been thinking about and need to get off my chest before going into the holiday weekend, one where my mom will be spending here with me testing my patients and good will, but I think I got all the big ticket items and worries out.
Now, back to completing the tasks at hand.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Mystery Rash
To quote myself…(after correcting a grammer error because while I am too lazy to go fix it in the original post, I can't just leave it wrong if I am going to repost it as a quote)
Max had an appointment this afternoon for his second flu shot. Rather than just pulling up his sleeve, the nurse wanted me to undress him. When I did, the first thing he did was start scratching** so I made an off handed comment to the nurse about the rash and whether I should be concerned with it or not. She took a look and then went and got another nurse, I think the head nurse, to look at it. She felt like a doctor needed to look at it prior to Max getting his flu shot, so we waited for a doctor. The doctor came in and took a look and wanted to have another doctor take a look at it. The other doctor came and took a look. Then, the two doctors left the room to discuss.
And, it is a mystery. Probably, a viral rash following the stomach virus or the cold/cough thing we got after than. Possibly, a weird chicken pox outbreak even though Max had the chicken pox vacine less than 6 months ago.* Potential bug bites or an allergy to laundry detergent or some other allergy.
If it is gone by Christmas, it is a viral rash.
If it comes and goes every 3 – 4 days for the next two weeks, it is Chicken Pox.
If it lingers, it is likely an allergy.
I’m ruling out bug bites, because there is no way the house or pets are infected with bugs. Not only do I keep them on flea/tick medicine, I have someone come once a month to spray. And, I am obsessive about bugs not being in the house. I would notice if they were in Max’s bed. Plus, no one else in the house (me) has been affected.
Bottom line, nothing really to worry about other than potentially affecting other people if it is the Chicken Pox. The doctor was really sweet and very concerned about our holiday plans. I told him they were limited as we are staying home and everyone coming has already had the Chicken Pox.
Treatment? Keep him lathered up in lotion and/or put hydrocortzone on the welts and watch it. It it is still problematic over time, I’ll let them know.
So, we didn’t get out of there until late. Got home 40 minutes after Max’s usual dinner time with him only fussing at the beginning of the ride home. Walked the dog letting Max walk most of the way since he hadn’t had much chance since I put him in the car to leave for his appointment right after he woke up from his nap. We bypassed bath and books tonight making to to bed only 15 – 20 minutes late.
Since it was so late, I did not call or stop by my RE’s office, which is right near Max’s pediatrians office to show Max off or beg for another u/s just to make sure that my ovaries were still not responding. I have been having some pressure in my ovary area (mostly left) that I am slightly worried about, especially if I am not producing any follicles.
Which reminds me of an intersting tid bit I learned in my consult with Dr. A the other day. Even if you are on birth control pills, your body still recrutes follicles which are obsorbed (?) instead of being ovulated. Thus, your FSH would not be falsly low if say…you were on BCP’s for 20 years or so…like I was prior to ttc’ing. Dr. A said, that since my FSH was so low, he thought there was something else going on and that it was not menopause or ovarian decensitization (which I don’t really understand yet at this point) because both are associated with an elevated FSH of which I do not have. Even if my Inhibin B is so low.
* I told the doctor that I thought you typically had a fever when you had the Chicken Pox. He said, yes typically, but that is not always true when a person has previously had the vacine. And, Max did have a fever the other day.
** I guess I should note that Max often has skin abnormalities for lack of a better word since his skin is so fair. So, it is not unusual for him to have bumps or rashes that come and go, but they have never been itchy. And, I guess it is the itchiness that makes the difference and was a cause for closer scrutiny.
Max has red marks all over him and will scratch himself raw (made his leg bleed the other day) when you take his clothes off. Trying to determine if this is a problem, an allergy, or something I should be concerned with. He is totally fine when fully clothed.
Max had an appointment this afternoon for his second flu shot. Rather than just pulling up his sleeve, the nurse wanted me to undress him. When I did, the first thing he did was start scratching** so I made an off handed comment to the nurse about the rash and whether I should be concerned with it or not. She took a look and then went and got another nurse, I think the head nurse, to look at it. She felt like a doctor needed to look at it prior to Max getting his flu shot, so we waited for a doctor. The doctor came in and took a look and wanted to have another doctor take a look at it. The other doctor came and took a look. Then, the two doctors left the room to discuss.
And, it is a mystery. Probably, a viral rash following the stomach virus or the cold/cough thing we got after than. Possibly, a weird chicken pox outbreak even though Max had the chicken pox vacine less than 6 months ago.* Potential bug bites or an allergy to laundry detergent or some other allergy.
If it is gone by Christmas, it is a viral rash.
If it comes and goes every 3 – 4 days for the next two weeks, it is Chicken Pox.
If it lingers, it is likely an allergy.
I’m ruling out bug bites, because there is no way the house or pets are infected with bugs. Not only do I keep them on flea/tick medicine, I have someone come once a month to spray. And, I am obsessive about bugs not being in the house. I would notice if they were in Max’s bed. Plus, no one else in the house (me) has been affected.
Bottom line, nothing really to worry about other than potentially affecting other people if it is the Chicken Pox. The doctor was really sweet and very concerned about our holiday plans. I told him they were limited as we are staying home and everyone coming has already had the Chicken Pox.
Treatment? Keep him lathered up in lotion and/or put hydrocortzone on the welts and watch it. It it is still problematic over time, I’ll let them know.
So, we didn’t get out of there until late. Got home 40 minutes after Max’s usual dinner time with him only fussing at the beginning of the ride home. Walked the dog letting Max walk most of the way since he hadn’t had much chance since I put him in the car to leave for his appointment right after he woke up from his nap. We bypassed bath and books tonight making to to bed only 15 – 20 minutes late.
Since it was so late, I did not call or stop by my RE’s office, which is right near Max’s pediatrians office to show Max off or beg for another u/s just to make sure that my ovaries were still not responding. I have been having some pressure in my ovary area (mostly left) that I am slightly worried about, especially if I am not producing any follicles.
Which reminds me of an intersting tid bit I learned in my consult with Dr. A the other day. Even if you are on birth control pills, your body still recrutes follicles which are obsorbed (?) instead of being ovulated. Thus, your FSH would not be falsly low if say…you were on BCP’s for 20 years or so…like I was prior to ttc’ing. Dr. A said, that since my FSH was so low, he thought there was something else going on and that it was not menopause or ovarian decensitization (which I don’t really understand yet at this point) because both are associated with an elevated FSH of which I do not have. Even if my Inhibin B is so low.
* I told the doctor that I thought you typically had a fever when you had the Chicken Pox. He said, yes typically, but that is not always true when a person has previously had the vacine. And, Max did have a fever the other day.
** I guess I should note that Max often has skin abnormalities for lack of a better word since his skin is so fair. So, it is not unusual for him to have bumps or rashes that come and go, but they have never been itchy. And, I guess it is the itchiness that makes the difference and was a cause for closer scrutiny.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Feeling better – mostly
Horrible, horrible headache is gone and am only left with mild, low grade headache. May or may not have a tooth infection. Cough is almost gone. Back is sore. Stress related and out of alignment I’m sure. Spent almost entire day sorting through papers, paying bills, filing, balancing my checking account (which hadn’t been done since September). Almost finished, only have to balance my Amex for the last few months and file a few more things.
Attempted to make Caramelized Pears from this Simply Slow Cooking cookbook this morning in between paying bills. I followed the recipe exactly or so I thought, but something went horribly wrong. The sauce caramelized so much that everything is stuck solid, including the spoon, to the dish. Sigh. They looked really good too (in the book).
Told myself that once Max went down I would rally and work on Christmas Cards tonight and wrapping tomorrow night. And, I’m too tired. Think I will go feed the animals, medicate Shadow, pick up a bit, and go climb in bed with a book.
Max has red marks all over him self and will scratch himself raw (made his leg bleed the other day) when you take his clothes off. Trying to determine if this is a problem, an allergy, or something I should be concerned with. He is totally fine when fully clothed.
After the first night of boycott, he has been doing great in the sleep sacks. If fact, he seems to sleep a bit longer when in them, especially at nap time. Went down at noon and slept until I went in his room at 3:45 pm today. Yesterday, I didn’t put him in one at nap time and he woke up at 2:15ish. The day before I did and he slept until 3:40 when I went in his room. So, sleep has been good (hope I don’t jinx myself), but his eating has slowed. Last night he really only ate fruit (forget what he was offered). Tonight he only ate noodles and fruit and left his peas and beef tips alone. Hmmm. Not really worried about the eating because he does go through fazes and was eating an unbelievable amount of food last week and the week before except for the few days his tummy was off with the vomit and diarrhea.
Still have a lot of thoughts about Dr. N and Dr. P and their family/kids and my consult with Dr. A and what to do for a next cycle rolling around in my brain. Just don’t have the energy or wherewithal to get into it right now.
I guess I’m hosting Christmas eve, which I am actually very happy about since I think it will be easiest in the long run, but this means that I need to decide what to cook and get it ready. I think I will call Honey Baked and reserve a ham and some trimmings and serve that and have left overs for Christmas day.
Trying not to think about everything that needs to get done in preparation for Christmas and work. I still haven’t written any more reviews. I think I have 5 or 6 out of 45 ish done. Yikes. Although, I have been checking email and doing some follow up as needed there since I really don’t have a back up since everyone is out. I am feeling some stress, but not enough stress to actually work on anything right now. Ta ta. Off to finish my “must do” chores and to bed.
Attempted to make Caramelized Pears from this Simply Slow Cooking cookbook this morning in between paying bills. I followed the recipe exactly or so I thought, but something went horribly wrong. The sauce caramelized so much that everything is stuck solid, including the spoon, to the dish. Sigh. They looked really good too (in the book).
Told myself that once Max went down I would rally and work on Christmas Cards tonight and wrapping tomorrow night. And, I’m too tired. Think I will go feed the animals, medicate Shadow, pick up a bit, and go climb in bed with a book.
Max has red marks all over him self and will scratch himself raw (made his leg bleed the other day) when you take his clothes off. Trying to determine if this is a problem, an allergy, or something I should be concerned with. He is totally fine when fully clothed.
After the first night of boycott, he has been doing great in the sleep sacks. If fact, he seems to sleep a bit longer when in them, especially at nap time. Went down at noon and slept until I went in his room at 3:45 pm today. Yesterday, I didn’t put him in one at nap time and he woke up at 2:15ish. The day before I did and he slept until 3:40 when I went in his room. So, sleep has been good (hope I don’t jinx myself), but his eating has slowed. Last night he really only ate fruit (forget what he was offered). Tonight he only ate noodles and fruit and left his peas and beef tips alone. Hmmm. Not really worried about the eating because he does go through fazes and was eating an unbelievable amount of food last week and the week before except for the few days his tummy was off with the vomit and diarrhea.
Still have a lot of thoughts about Dr. N and Dr. P and their family/kids and my consult with Dr. A and what to do for a next cycle rolling around in my brain. Just don’t have the energy or wherewithal to get into it right now.
I guess I’m hosting Christmas eve, which I am actually very happy about since I think it will be easiest in the long run, but this means that I need to decide what to cook and get it ready. I think I will call Honey Baked and reserve a ham and some trimmings and serve that and have left overs for Christmas day.
Trying not to think about everything that needs to get done in preparation for Christmas and work. I still haven’t written any more reviews. I think I have 5 or 6 out of 45 ish done. Yikes. Although, I have been checking email and doing some follow up as needed there since I really don’t have a back up since everyone is out. I am feeling some stress, but not enough stress to actually work on anything right now. Ta ta. Off to finish my “must do” chores and to bed.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Depressed
All and all, I think I am a tad bit depressed. I had my consult with Dr. A today. I started crying when he told me that, in not so many words, I was (one of) Dr. N’s favorite patients and that he looked at me more like a friend than a patient. Today, was Dr. N and Dr. P’s wedding anniversary. Dr. A said when he talked to Dr. P last night, she wasn’t doing so well and that he was going to take dinner over to her and the kids tonight. I so wish there was something I could do to make that whole situation better. I still miss Dr. N so much and have so much empathy for Dr. P. God, it just sucks!
In an odd state of events, I was talking to a friend over the weekend who has a friend who is the roommate to Dr. P’s office manager (talk about 6 degrees of separation). And, they said, that it was a couple who were having an argument that hit Dr. N; that, they are being prosecuted for manslaughter. Both of them. I don’t know them or their situation, but it just still feels so wrong and so tragic.
--- Interrupted hours ago by the phone and a visit from my sister. Feeling very sick. Horrible headache that, along with a stuffy nose/drainage is making be very nauseous. I’m sure the two margarita lunch isn’t helping. Rather than waiting to post. I’m going to stop now and post more tomorrow or later in the week. ---
Other than to say, consult went basically fine. Dr. A hadn’t looked at my chart yet. Said he would and will get back to me.
In an odd state of events, I was talking to a friend over the weekend who has a friend who is the roommate to Dr. P’s office manager (talk about 6 degrees of separation). And, they said, that it was a couple who were having an argument that hit Dr. N; that, they are being prosecuted for manslaughter. Both of them. I don’t know them or their situation, but it just still feels so wrong and so tragic.
--- Interrupted hours ago by the phone and a visit from my sister. Feeling very sick. Horrible headache that, along with a stuffy nose/drainage is making be very nauseous. I’m sure the two margarita lunch isn’t helping. Rather than waiting to post. I’m going to stop now and post more tomorrow or later in the week. ---
Other than to say, consult went basically fine. Dr. A hadn’t looked at my chart yet. Said he would and will get back to me.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Still Nothing
When I woke up yesterday (at 4 am, with Max sleeping until 5:20), I thought I felt some ovarian pressure. I decided to wait until today and see if I still felt it, which I do. So, I called and went in for an u/s today. Sadly, still nothing. Not one measly follicle. Probably just as well since my lining sucked anyway (only 6.5 on cd 12). Hmm, I wonder what I am feeling then. I’m glad I went in instead of worrying and wondering, but it made me sad all over again. As I told one of the office staff, I’m even getting cancelled from IUI’s now.
I’m just feeling a little lost in the ttc arena. I really don’t know what to do next. I have a consult next week with both Dr. Q and Dr. A. I guess I will see what they have to say.
I received a really nice email from Dr. Q after my email to him and we exchanged several emails over the weekend because he misunderstood my first one thinking I wanted to change me care to Dr. A instead of just going to him for a consult. I think all is fine there, but I think I make him uncomfortable now. Sigh. And, he probably thinks I am a total nutcase for coming in today, but I am fine with that. I’m glad I went. Sad my ovaries are such, but glad I confirmed it instead of just wondering.
On the work front, still very behind. According to my own schedule, I should have 28 reviews written by the end of today. I currently have 0 done, but read through and started prepping for 5 or 6 of them. I guess I am resigned to working during my vacation so not feeling all that motivated.
Max has had an elevated temperature a few times this week and has some new teeth. We had a really difficult afternoon yesterday because he refused to nap and Noemi let him scream for over an hour while I was on a work call. They are gone now and he was still awake when I left for my RE appointment, but hope things went better and that he actually slept a bit.
I think I will scrap work for the day and go lay in bed and read for an hour. If I tried really hard, I could probably get 2 reviews written, but I really don’t feel like it.
ETA: Wasted the hour on the computer. And, Max and Noemi are back and she confirmed another day of no nap. At least he is not fussy and screaming today over it.
I’m just feeling a little lost in the ttc arena. I really don’t know what to do next. I have a consult next week with both Dr. Q and Dr. A. I guess I will see what they have to say.
I received a really nice email from Dr. Q after my email to him and we exchanged several emails over the weekend because he misunderstood my first one thinking I wanted to change me care to Dr. A instead of just going to him for a consult. I think all is fine there, but I think I make him uncomfortable now. Sigh. And, he probably thinks I am a total nutcase for coming in today, but I am fine with that. I’m glad I went. Sad my ovaries are such
On the work front, still very behind. According to my own schedule, I should have 28 reviews written by the end of today. I currently have 0 done, but read through and started prepping for 5 or 6 of them. I guess I am resigned to working during my vacation so not feeling all that motivated.
Max has had an elevated temperature a few times this week and has some new teeth. We had a really difficult afternoon yesterday because he refused to nap and Noemi let him scream for over an hour while I was on a work call. They are gone now and he was still awake when I left for my RE appointment, but hope things went better and that he actually slept a bit.
I think I will scrap work for the day and go lay in bed and read for an hour. If I tried really hard, I could probably get 2 reviews written, but I really don’t feel like it.
ETA: Wasted the hour on the computer. And, Max and Noemi are back and she confirmed another day of no nap. At least he is not fussy and screaming today over it.
Friday, December 08, 2006
First Email to new RE
Subject: Cancelled Cycle Follow Up
Dr. Q -
I'm not sure if you remember me or not since you have had so many new patients thrown at you all at once and are mid-cycle, but I was a long time patient of Dr. N's and my latest cycle attempt (modified estrogen priming/6 weeks, 4 amps Gonal F, IUI) was cancelled Wednesday due to non-response. Since this is my second cycle in a row cancelled for non-response, I know this does not bode well for having another genetic child, but I am not ready to give up yet. I would be interested in knowing how you think I should proceed for another attempt with my own eggs in an effort to get these ovaries to go back to being a poor responder, instead of their current completely non-responsive state. I would be particularly interested in hearing more about ovary sensitization (?) that you briefly mentioned during the u/s. I have an idea of how I would like to proceed, but would like to get your opinion. Let me know if you would prefer me to set up a consult to review/discuss instead of doing it through email. I have also set up a consult with Dr. A for later in the month to get his opinion before I make a final decision. I have attached an excel cycle history chart that I maintain for myself that summarizes my ttc attempts in 2 pages that you may find helpful. I have copied it below in case you don't have excel, but it reads/lines up/prints better from excel.
On another note, you said something that I found quite hurtful after the exam on Wednesday that I just wanted to mention for awareness. I truly know that it wasn't intended as such, but when you mentioned that you know many women who would give anything to be in my position (or something like that) because of my son, it really stung especially because with 2 cancelled cycles in a row for no response, after 6 weeks of estrogen priming which was probably my best shot at having another genetic child, the reality is that likely no matter what I try next my ovaries are done. Studies have shown that secondary infertility can be just as emotional and stressful as primary infertility. The whole process is just so hard and regardless if someone is struggling to have their first child, a second child, or a fifth child to make/complete their family it is still exceedingly difficult when it doesn't work. I actually agree with you that many women still trying to have their first do feel that way, not understanding that it isn't any easier (and in some ways can actually be harder and more stressful) after successfully having a child if you so desire to have another. Because I have been in their shoes (Max truly was a miracles child if you look at the cycle he was conceived), I am very conscious of when and how I talk about my son to my many friends who are still trying unsuccessfully to have their first or who have decided, at least for now, to live child free. My ideal family size, in a perfect world, would be 3 children. I weaned my son early and have been trying for a second child for over 9 months now in an attempt to build my family before it was too late and getting cancelled on Wednesday means my dream for my family will probably never happen and future attempt are more to get me emotionally ready to move on. Comparing my pain or situation to anyone at that time seemed to invalidate my feelings, especially on top of the loss of Dr. N who was just so special to me, when I was trying (had personally vowed) not to cry during the visit even if I was cancelled as I feared I would be. Again, I truly know that is not how you intended it and that you are under extreme stress right now, but I wanted to mention it. I hold no grudge and am letting it go now that I have told you how the comment made be feel. I look forward to working with you again soon.
Deb Cycle History Summary Chart
Cycle 1 Date: April 2004
Cycle Day 10 13 15 17 18
Right 8 12 17 19 10
Left 9, 7 13, 13, 9 18, 16, 7 18, 15, 9 23, 20
Lining 9.8 9.7 10.1 9.9
Protocol Clomid, No Trigger
Procedure IUI cd 17, IUI cd18
Result Negative
Cycle 2 Date: June 2004
Cycle Day 9 13 15
Right 12 18 ?
Left 10, 8 14, 12 ?
Lining 5 9.6 ?
Protocol Clomid, with Trigger
Procedure IUI cd 15
Result Pregnant, M/C
< August 2004 Myomectomy>
Cycle 3 Date: September 2004
Cycle Day 9 11 13
Right 13, 11 15
Left 16, 10, 9 20, 14 23, 18
Lining 8.14 9.1 9.3
Protocol 2 amps Repronex/Pergonal, Viagra, with Trigger
Procedure IUI cd 13
Result Negative
Cycle 4 Date: December 2004
Cycle Day 9 11
Right
Left 24, 16, 13, 12, 10 27, 16
Lining 8.44 ?
Protocol L5
Procedure IVF Cxl, Converted to IUI cd11
Result Pregnant, Max
Cycle 5 Date: April 2006
Cycle Day 5 7 9
Right
Left 12, 11, 8 17, 13, 10 21, 10
Lining 5 9.6 10.2
Protocol Natural, with Trigger
Procedure IUI cd 12
Result Negative
Cycle 6 Date: May 2006
Cycle Day 8 11 13 16
Right
Left 13. 8, 8 18,12, 11, 9, 7 22, 15, 12, 12, 10, 9 30, 20, 16, 16, 14
Lining 9 11.1 12.2
Protocol 2 amps Gonal F, 1 amp Repronex
Procedure IUI cd 16
Result Pregnant, M/C
Cycle 7 Date: July 2006
Cycle Day 2 5 9 10 12
Right 6 preantral 9
Left 6 preantral 11, 7, 6 18, 13, 8 20, 16, 10 25, 17
Lining 2.4 ? 9.5 11 11.3
Protocol A8 Follistim/Repronex
Procedure IVF Cxl, Converted to IUI cd12
Result Negative
Cycle 8 Date: September 2006
Cycle Day 2 9
Right
Left
Lining
Protocol ? 4 amps Gonal F, alt 1 amp Repronex @ day 3 every other day; ? dex
Procedure IUI, cd 9 CANCELLED NO RESPONSE
Result n/a
< October 2006 Lap, remove gallbladder, appendix, small cyst on left ovary drained>
Cycle 9 Date: September 2006
Cycle Day 2 9
Right
Left
Lining
Protocol modified estrogen priming; 4 amps Gonal F, alt 1 amp Menopur @ day 3 every other day; dex
Procedure IUI, cd 9 CANCELLED NO RESPONSE
Result n/a
Hormones/Tests:
FSH - cd 2/3, 5.5 - 6.5
Inhibin B - 7
Progesterone - 7 dpo, 7 - 12 with 400 mg sups
Immunity Testing - Fine
Fluid u/s - Fibroids
Dr. Q -
I'm not sure if you remember me or not since you have had so many new patients thrown at you all at once and are mid-cycle, but I was a long time patient of Dr. N's and my latest cycle attempt (modified estrogen priming/6 weeks, 4 amps Gonal F, IUI) was cancelled Wednesday due to non-response. Since this is my second cycle in a row cancelled for non-response, I know this does not bode well for having another genetic child, but I am not ready to give up yet. I would be interested in knowing how you think I should proceed for another attempt with my own eggs in an effort to get these ovaries to go back to being a poor responder, instead of their current completely non-responsive state. I would be particularly interested in hearing more about ovary sensitization (?) that you briefly mentioned during the u/s. I have an idea of how I would like to proceed, but would like to get your opinion. Let me know if you would prefer me to set up a consult to review/discuss instead of doing it through email. I have also set up a consult with Dr. A for later in the month to get his opinion before I make a final decision. I have attached an excel cycle history chart that I maintain for myself that summarizes my ttc attempts in 2 pages that you may find helpful. I have copied it below in case you don't have excel, but it reads/lines up/prints better from excel.
On another note, you said something that I found quite hurtful after the exam on Wednesday that I just wanted to mention for awareness. I truly know that it wasn't intended as such, but when you mentioned that you know many women who would give anything to be in my position (or something like that) because of my son, it really stung especially because with 2 cancelled cycles in a row for no response, after 6 weeks of estrogen priming which was probably my best shot at having another genetic child, the reality is that likely no matter what I try next my ovaries are done. Studies have shown that secondary infertility can be just as emotional and stressful as primary infertility. The whole process is just so hard and regardless if someone is struggling to have their first child, a second child, or a fifth child to make/complete their family it is still exceedingly difficult when it doesn't work. I actually agree with you that many women still trying to have their first do feel that way, not understanding that it isn't any easier (and in some ways can actually be harder and more stressful) after successfully having a child if you so desire to have another. Because I have been in their shoes (Max truly was a miracles child if you look at the cycle he was conceived), I am very conscious of when and how I talk about my son to my many friends who are still trying unsuccessfully to have their first or who have decided, at least for now, to live child free. My ideal family size, in a perfect world, would be 3 children. I weaned my son early and have been trying for a second child for over 9 months now in an attempt to build my family before it was too late and getting cancelled on Wednesday means my dream for my family will probably never happen and future attempt are more to get me emotionally ready to move on. Comparing my pain or situation to anyone at that time seemed to invalidate my feelings, especially on top of the loss of Dr. N who was just so special to me, when I was trying (had personally vowed) not to cry during the visit even if I was cancelled as I feared I would be. Again, I truly know that is not how you intended it and that you are under extreme stress right now, but I wanted to mention it. I hold no grudge and am letting it go now that I have told you how the comment made be feel. I look forward to working with you again soon.
Deb Cycle History Summary Chart
Cycle 1 Date: April 2004
Cycle Day 10 13 15 17 18
Right 8 12 17 19 10
Left 9, 7 13, 13, 9 18, 16, 7 18, 15, 9 23, 20
Lining 9.8 9.7 10.1 9.9
Protocol Clomid, No Trigger
Procedure IUI cd 17, IUI cd18
Result Negative
Cycle 2 Date: June 2004
Cycle Day 9 13 15
Right 12 18 ?
Left 10, 8 14, 12 ?
Lining 5 9.6 ?
Protocol Clomid, with Trigger
Procedure IUI cd 15
Result Pregnant, M/C
< August 2004 Myomectomy>
Cycle 3 Date: September 2004
Cycle Day 9 11 13
Right 13, 11 15
Left 16, 10, 9 20, 14 23, 18
Lining 8.14 9.1 9.3
Protocol 2 amps Repronex/Pergonal, Viagra, with Trigger
Procedure IUI cd 13
Result Negative
Cycle 4 Date: December 2004
Cycle Day 9 11
Right
Left 24, 16, 13, 12, 10 27, 16
Lining 8.44 ?
Protocol L5
Procedure IVF Cxl, Converted to IUI cd11
Result Pregnant, Max
Cycle 5 Date: April 2006
Cycle Day 5 7 9
Right
Left 12, 11, 8 17, 13, 10 21, 10
Lining 5 9.6 10.2
Protocol Natural, with Trigger
Procedure IUI cd 12
Result Negative
Cycle 6 Date: May 2006
Cycle Day 8 11 13 16
Right
Left 13. 8, 8 18,12, 11, 9, 7 22, 15, 12, 12, 10, 9 30, 20, 16, 16, 14
Lining 9 11.1 12.2
Protocol 2 amps Gonal F, 1 amp Repronex
Procedure IUI cd 16
Result Pregnant, M/C
Cycle 7 Date: July 2006
Cycle Day 2 5 9 10 12
Right 6 preantral 9
Left 6 preantral 11, 7, 6 18, 13, 8 20, 16, 10 25, 17
Lining 2.4 ? 9.5 11 11.3
Protocol A8 Follistim/Repronex
Procedure IVF Cxl, Converted to IUI cd12
Result Negative
Cycle 8 Date: September 2006
Cycle Day 2 9
Right
Left
Lining
Protocol ? 4 amps Gonal F, alt 1 amp Repronex @ day 3 every other day; ? dex
Procedure IUI, cd 9 CANCELLED NO RESPONSE
Result n/a
< October 2006 Lap, remove gallbladder, appendix, small cyst on left ovary drained>
Cycle 9 Date: September 2006
Cycle Day 2 9
Right
Left
Lining
Protocol modified estrogen priming; 4 amps Gonal F, alt 1 amp Menopur @ day 3 every other day; dex
Procedure IUI, cd 9 CANCELLED NO RESPONSE
Result n/a
Hormones/Tests:
FSH - cd 2/3, 5.5 - 6.5
Inhibin B - 7
Progesterone - 7 dpo, 7 - 12 with 400 mg sups
Immunity Testing - Fine
Fluid u/s - Fibroids
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
In a Funk
First, let me say that I am feeling significantly better today. I think it really was a 24 hour type thing because I woke about 3 am Sunday night feeling crappy and about 2:30* this morning feeling much better. I still have some diarrhea and haven’t felt like eating much (3/4 of an egg McMuffin and a bowl of noodles), but much better than yesterday.
Yet, I have wasted so much time today that I don’t have to waste. I’m kind of pissed and disappointed in myself here. I am only hurting myself since the more I procrastinate the worse it is going to get, but I am just not motivated to do things that just absolutely have to get done by the end of the year. If I don’t get them done in the next two weeks, I will just have to do them when I am on vacation. Other people are counting on me. Yet, today, I didn’t start work until 9:30…needed to fix the vacuum since the part came in the mail yesterday and the cleaning lady came today (saved several hundred dollars, almost makes up for the washing the cell phone thing..sigh). And, then, I spent several hours surfing the net.
I have decided I am in a funk. Can’t seem to concentrate. Don’t feel like doing it. Maybe it is short term depression like thing because I have felt like crying on and off all day. Maybe it is the hormones, lack of sleep, desire to be an independently SAHM, blah, blah, blah.
Tomorrow, I vow to be better. The only problem with tomorrow is that I have meetings straight from 9 am – 12:30 pm and then need to leave at 2 pm for my RE appointment so that doesn’t leave much time to actually work. On Monday, I had to average writing 4 annual performance reviews to get them completed prior to vacation. This means I should have 8 done, when I actually have 0 done.
Enough whining. I am going to just wrap up for the day and promise to do better tomorrow.
As to Max, he decided he wasn't going to take a nap today, no how, no way, and we couldn't make him. After 90 min. in his crib, we freed him, but that means he will need to go to bed early and it likely will be an early morning with a waking or two tonight as a result. Sigh. Good thing most days, I don't mind little sleep and usually, Max isn't the cause.
* Only dozing between 5 am – 5:30 am when Max woke up. Damn, I kept telling myself just to get up and work instead of trying to go back to sleep, but no, I just laid there wasting time.
Yet, I have wasted so much time today that I don’t have to waste. I’m kind of pissed and disappointed in myself here. I am only hurting myself since the more I procrastinate the worse it is going to get, but I am just not motivated to do things that just absolutely have to get done by the end of the year. If I don’t get them done in the next two weeks, I will just have to do them when I am on vacation. Other people are counting on me. Yet, today, I didn’t start work until 9:30…needed to fix the vacuum since the part came in the mail yesterday and the cleaning lady came today (saved several hundred dollars, almost makes up for the washing the cell phone thing..sigh). And, then, I spent several hours surfing the net.
I have decided I am in a funk. Can’t seem to concentrate. Don’t feel like doing it. Maybe it is short term depression like thing because I have felt like crying on and off all day. Maybe it is the hormones, lack of sleep, desire to be an independently SAHM, blah, blah, blah.
Tomorrow, I vow to be better. The only problem with tomorrow is that I have meetings straight from 9 am – 12:30 pm and then need to leave at 2 pm for my RE appointment so that doesn’t leave much time to actually work. On Monday, I had to average writing 4 annual performance reviews to get them completed prior to vacation. This means I should have 8 done, when I actually have 0 done.
Enough whining. I am going to just wrap up for the day and promise to do better tomorrow.
As to Max, he decided he wasn't going to take a nap today, no how, no way, and we couldn't make him. After 90 min. in his crib, we freed him, but that means he will need to go to bed early and it likely will be an early morning with a waking or two tonight as a result. Sigh. Good thing most days, I don't mind little sleep and usually, Max isn't the cause.
* Only dozing between 5 am – 5:30 am when Max woke up. Damn, I kept telling myself just to get up and work instead of trying to go back to sleep, but no, I just laid there wasting time.
Monday, December 04, 2006
“The” Bug
Yes, I now have the stomach bug that Max has had and I am not amused. Feel like crap. Still worked most of the day, except for those few times I just had to lay down and the trips to the bathroom. Max, of course, is feeling great today. He was thrilled that Noemi was back since all I did most of the morning was lay on the couch while he watched TV, except for a 30 min. walk around the neighborhood and the 20 minutes I let him crawl and climb around the car (hey, I was desperate). When he had enough TV he started pulling the blanket off me while I was on the couch. Where does he get this stuff? I didn’t have the energy to fight with him about it. And, just said, okay, fine, I guess momma doesn’t get a blanket. I think that was the first time he saw me on the couch and he wasn’t amused since he was now feeling better and ready to go. Poor Momma (don’t mind me, just feeling a tad sorry for myself right now). Saltines and 7-up helped to settle things a bit, but I’m just so tired and feeling so icky. And, didn’t get half of what I needed to do today at work. Sigh. Guess I will be working during my next vacation unless I pick up the pace, but I just couldn’t do it today. Think I will go rest before Max gets back so I can rally the last few hours of the day with him.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Crappy Week
All and all, it has been a crappy week. Of course, it could have been worse. I could have also had to work this week instead of being on vacation. That was a silver lining in the dark clouds this week. If only….I could be a stay at home mom. Sigh, anyway….
1) Dr. N’s death tops the list on the bad scale this week. The service was nice and I’m glad I went. There were hundreds and hundreds in attendance. It filled the entire ballroom at a Ritz Carlton hotel. I always knew that Dr. N and Dr. P had a really great marriage and that came across clearly during the service. I’m sure that will make things all the harder for her in the days to come. Probably, the most touching was when the older kids read letters they had written to their daddy. I can cry all over again thinking about it. They both said how much they missed him and wished he could be there for Christmas. I’ve been thinking about how after the shock and horror have passed that my life goes on almost as normal from a day in and day out perspective; and how hard it was when I lost Lucky last year. There family will never be the same again. I can only imagine how hard things will be emotionally, financially, physically, and logistically. Four kids with the youngest of them less than a week old. Dr. P is an OB. She delivered Max. Max was born at 11:01 pm. From a day to day perspective, her life just got exponentially harder and she will be doing it without the support of the person she needed it most from. I’ve just been hoping and praying that God (or whatever higher being a person may believe in) gives the family the strength and resources needed to cope.
2) Max has been sick. He had that vomit episode Thursday night/Friday morning sometime and other than being a little less active, not eating much, and loose stool, he was basically fine. Then, last night he vomited again. He woke up at 4 ish and I brought him into bed with me (first time in a long long time I have tried that) with some milk. He sucked that down and we both dozed until 6 am. He was really off all day today. Didn’t eat anything. Wouldn’t drink anything. Finally, my niece ran to the store for me and picked up some saltines (without the salt), popsicles, animal crackers and pedialite. I cooked a potato. And, that’s what he had for dinner. A small taste of each with everything rejected except the saltines of which he had maybe 1. I know they say no milk with a tummy upset, but really it was the only thing he wanted. Actually, he went to the fridge, fussed until I opened the door, touched the milk, and said, “ba ba”. Hey, I can take a hint. I gave him 4 oz. around 6 pm and another 6 oz. when I put him to bed around 7 and he drank it all. We will see how tonight does. He has been off bottles for months now unless I want him to have some Tylenol, but figured he was sick and I was going to give the kid what he wanted after not really eating much of anything for days. When I was washing the bottle, I saw that he had bit off, entirely, the top of the nipple. I sure hope he didn’t swallow it cause that can’t be good for the tummy, period, let alone an already upset one.
3) I was going through a stack of bills and saw a disconnect notice for the electric company. Apparently, I paid the gas company an extra $600 this month. So, I had to pay another $600 to the electric company. I hate when I do dumb ass stuff like that. This was just not a good month for that type of screw up. I just paid over $1200 for the meds for this cycle, need extra cash for holiday bonuses for Noemi and Anna (cleaning lady), Christmas presents, etc.
4) I washed my cell phone in a load of laundry last night. I discovered this when I heard something thumping around in the dryer that shouldn’t have been. Several hundred dollars, I now have a new phone, but lost an hour of my time and all of my phone numbers. I really, really hate when I do stupid shit like this. It is just a f’ing waste of money. I seriously thought about not replacing it right way, but got it for safety reasons and for being able to check in on Max when away from him.
5) The vacuum broke earlier in the week. After a trip to the repair shop, they guy and I figured it was something I could fix myself. Not only will this option save me several hundred dollars, but the part should be here faster than if I had to send the vacuum out. Ultimately, this wasn’t a major deal, just an huge inconvenience of being without a vacuum with a toddler.
6) Moving off of the money stuff, I have been having an icky, bloody cycle. I kid you not. On Friday, I went through over 6 panties and pants/shorts because of leakage. Major leakage. On Saturday, I think it was only 2. This was using double pads (under the category of TMI, I can’t use tampons because I start getting all the symptoms of toxic shock, probably because of how clotty my periods are). I found out I was leaking by sitting on the ottoman of Max’s rocker, which is fabric. As careful as I was, I did this not once, but twice damn it! Between Max’s vomiting and diarrhea and me bleeding all over everything. I have been cleaning up one mess after another and doing so much laundry.
The thing is, days and weeks like this make me more determined not to get bent out of shape over mistakes and life’s hurdles. Yes, I did have to talk myself out of bursting into tears over the phone and to give myself a break for the mistake over the eclectic bill. It may not work for everyone, but self talk can work for me. It did today.
The week wasn’t all bad. I didn’t have to work and got to spend lots of extra time with Max. Most mornings these last two weeks, I met a friend (who is a SAHM that I don’t get to see much these days) and her kids at the park and we got brief conversations in while chasing, playing with, and refereeing the kids. My nurse coordinator gave me a box of Menopur (5 vials) saving me several hundred dollars on meds. I got a cell phone that has that blue chip headset, which I am hoping will work better than other ones that I last less than a week and never worked well, so I can be hands free and presumably safer when I drive. I’m blessed with my son and my health (haven’t gotten Max’s bug yet…knock on wood). I have wonderful, wonderful friends (several of whom really pitched in this week to watch Max for me at the last minute which was so incredibly helpful I can’t even express). Money may be tight this month and maybe the next few while I catch up, but overall I am financially sound.
Cycle wise, I’m happy in a sick sort of way that I’m wired from the Dex and the stims because the cycles I had no response, I didn’t have that reaction. It gives me some hope that maybe I will at least get a little response. And, really, it couldn’t happen at a better time because I have a heck of a lot of work that needs to get done in the next few weeks that will not be able to get done fully during regular business hours even if I didn’t have to be out several times for monitoring for the cycle. Actually, Friday night I almost completely forgot to start them, but remembered about 10 pm (when the plan was to start taking them around 7:30 pm after Max is down). I was so busy getting everything done that had to get done that it just slipped my mind. Friday night, I didn’t wrap thing up until midnight and was up at 4 am. Saturday, I rested while Max napped when we got home after Dr. N’s service, but wasn’t completely exhausted. Tonight, after a day like today with Max sick, errands, etc. I am still going strong at 9 pm instead of being ready to crawl into bed after I get Max down. Hey, if I have to be amp’d up on stims and dex, now is a really good time for it.
On the worry side of the cycle stuff, I am worried because my period has been so heavy and so “clotty”. Dr. Q (new RE) comment on how nice and think my lining was at the baseline u/s. I keep telling myself that it is just because of the estrogen and not that the estrogen caused my fibroids to grow and cause it. Clotting and heavy bleeding is a sign/symptom of fibroids. It was a calculated risk (taking the estrogen since fibroids feed on estrogen) that I was aware of prior to starting this cycle. I just hope it pays off. I am trying not to worry because at this point, it really is what it is, worrying won’t change it.
Of course, I think every time I cycle, it is a good cycle to get pregnant, but I especially feel this way this month, this time. Dr. Q and I talked about what a great tribute to Dr. N it would be. The best. I think if I don’t get pregnant this month, it is going to be extra hard because of that and because it was 2 years ago this month that Max was conceived. And, if I have any kind of response, it will be my fourth T42 cycle and I conceived Max on my fourth cycle. And, the truth is that none of that matters, what only matters is if I get a good egg (assuming my ovaries function) that meets up with a nice sperm, etc. and so forth.
Boo hoo. Back to work tomorrow. Hopefully, it won’t be too bad since I have checked and tried to keep up on email almost every day while I was out so I can hit the ground running.
One finally blessing/prayer for Dr. P and her family as they official ceremonies are behind them and they begin a new normal without a man who was there foundation as we go into the Christmas season. In spite of my personal bads and goods this week, they have never been far from my mind. My problems seem to pale by comparison.
Good riddance to this crappy week. May the one ahead be better, even if I do have to go back to work. And, may Max not freak out too much tomorrow with me going back to work. I’m just hoping Max is so happy to see Noemi that it isn’t the major drama that it could be, especially if he is still feeling off. Because as crappy as this week was, we had each other. I’ll take the crappiest of weeks with Max in my life because they are better than the best weeks when he wasn’t.
ETA: Forgot one more crappy thing. I can't get the vomit smell out of Max's hair. After several baths, hair washings, etc. The poor kid still smells like vomit and has (at least to me) since Friday. Very annoying and disgusting.
1) Dr. N’s death tops the list on the bad scale this week. The service was nice and I’m glad I went. There were hundreds and hundreds in attendance. It filled the entire ballroom at a Ritz Carlton hotel. I always knew that Dr. N and Dr. P had a really great marriage and that came across clearly during the service. I’m sure that will make things all the harder for her in the days to come. Probably, the most touching was when the older kids read letters they had written to their daddy. I can cry all over again thinking about it. They both said how much they missed him and wished he could be there for Christmas. I’ve been thinking about how after the shock and horror have passed that my life goes on almost as normal from a day in and day out perspective; and how hard it was when I lost Lucky last year. There family will never be the same again. I can only imagine how hard things will be emotionally, financially, physically, and logistically. Four kids with the youngest of them less than a week old. Dr. P is an OB. She delivered Max. Max was born at 11:01 pm. From a day to day perspective, her life just got exponentially harder and she will be doing it without the support of the person she needed it most from. I’ve just been hoping and praying that God (or whatever higher being a person may believe in) gives the family the strength and resources needed to cope.
2) Max has been sick. He had that vomit episode Thursday night/Friday morning sometime and other than being a little less active, not eating much, and loose stool, he was basically fine. Then, last night he vomited again. He woke up at 4 ish and I brought him into bed with me (first time in a long long time I have tried that) with some milk. He sucked that down and we both dozed until 6 am. He was really off all day today. Didn’t eat anything. Wouldn’t drink anything. Finally, my niece ran to the store for me and picked up some saltines (without the salt), popsicles, animal crackers and pedialite. I cooked a potato. And, that’s what he had for dinner. A small taste of each with everything rejected except the saltines of which he had maybe 1. I know they say no milk with a tummy upset, but really it was the only thing he wanted. Actually, he went to the fridge, fussed until I opened the door, touched the milk, and said, “ba ba”. Hey, I can take a hint. I gave him 4 oz. around 6 pm and another 6 oz. when I put him to bed around 7 and he drank it all. We will see how tonight does. He has been off bottles for months now unless I want him to have some Tylenol, but figured he was sick and I was going to give the kid what he wanted after not really eating much of anything for days. When I was washing the bottle, I saw that he had bit off, entirely, the top of the nipple. I sure hope he didn’t swallow it cause that can’t be good for the tummy, period, let alone an already upset one.
3) I was going through a stack of bills and saw a disconnect notice for the electric company. Apparently, I paid the gas company an extra $600 this month. So, I had to pay another $600 to the electric company. I hate when I do dumb ass stuff like that. This was just not a good month for that type of screw up. I just paid over $1200 for the meds for this cycle, need extra cash for holiday bonuses for Noemi and Anna (cleaning lady), Christmas presents, etc.
4) I washed my cell phone in a load of laundry last night. I discovered this when I heard something thumping around in the dryer that shouldn’t have been. Several hundred dollars, I now have a new phone, but lost an hour of my time and all of my phone numbers. I really, really hate when I do stupid shit like this. It is just a f’ing waste of money. I seriously thought about not replacing it right way, but got it for safety reasons and for being able to check in on Max when away from him.
5) The vacuum broke earlier in the week. After a trip to the repair shop, they guy and I figured it was something I could fix myself. Not only will this option save me several hundred dollars, but the part should be here faster than if I had to send the vacuum out. Ultimately, this wasn’t a major deal, just an huge inconvenience of being without a vacuum with a toddler.
6) Moving off of the money stuff, I have been having an icky, bloody cycle. I kid you not. On Friday, I went through over 6 panties and pants/shorts because of leakage. Major leakage. On Saturday, I think it was only 2. This was using double pads (under the category of TMI, I can’t use tampons because I start getting all the symptoms of toxic shock, probably because of how clotty my periods are). I found out I was leaking by sitting on the ottoman of Max’s rocker, which is fabric. As careful as I was, I did this not once, but twice damn it! Between Max’s vomiting and diarrhea and me bleeding all over everything. I have been cleaning up one mess after another and doing so much laundry.
The thing is, days and weeks like this make me more determined not to get bent out of shape over mistakes and life’s hurdles. Yes, I did have to talk myself out of bursting into tears over the phone and to give myself a break for the mistake over the eclectic bill. It may not work for everyone, but self talk can work for me. It did today.
The week wasn’t all bad. I didn’t have to work and got to spend lots of extra time with Max. Most mornings these last two weeks, I met a friend (who is a SAHM that I don’t get to see much these days) and her kids at the park and we got brief conversations in while chasing, playing with, and refereeing the kids. My nurse coordinator gave me a box of Menopur (5 vials) saving me several hundred dollars on meds. I got a cell phone that has that blue chip headset, which I am hoping will work better than other ones that I last less than a week and never worked well, so I can be hands free and presumably safer when I drive. I’m blessed with my son and my health (haven’t gotten Max’s bug yet…knock on wood). I have wonderful, wonderful friends (several of whom really pitched in this week to watch Max for me at the last minute which was so incredibly helpful I can’t even express). Money may be tight this month and maybe the next few while I catch up, but overall I am financially sound.
Cycle wise, I’m happy in a sick sort of way that I’m wired from the Dex and the stims because the cycles I had no response, I didn’t have that reaction. It gives me some hope that maybe I will at least get a little response. And, really, it couldn’t happen at a better time because I have a heck of a lot of work that needs to get done in the next few weeks that will not be able to get done fully during regular business hours even if I didn’t have to be out several times for monitoring for the cycle. Actually, Friday night I almost completely forgot to start them, but remembered about 10 pm (when the plan was to start taking them around 7:30 pm after Max is down). I was so busy getting everything done that had to get done that it just slipped my mind. Friday night, I didn’t wrap thing up until midnight and was up at 4 am. Saturday, I rested while Max napped when we got home after Dr. N’s service, but wasn’t completely exhausted. Tonight, after a day like today with Max sick, errands, etc. I am still going strong at 9 pm instead of being ready to crawl into bed after I get Max down. Hey, if I have to be amp’d up on stims and dex, now is a really good time for it.
On the worry side of the cycle stuff, I am worried because my period has been so heavy and so “clotty”. Dr. Q (new RE) comment on how nice and think my lining was at the baseline u/s. I keep telling myself that it is just because of the estrogen and not that the estrogen caused my fibroids to grow and cause it. Clotting and heavy bleeding is a sign/symptom of fibroids. It was a calculated risk (taking the estrogen since fibroids feed on estrogen) that I was aware of prior to starting this cycle. I just hope it pays off. I am trying not to worry because at this point, it really is what it is, worrying won’t change it.
Of course, I think every time I cycle, it is a good cycle to get pregnant, but I especially feel this way this month, this time. Dr. Q and I talked about what a great tribute to Dr. N it would be. The best. I think if I don’t get pregnant this month, it is going to be extra hard because of that and because it was 2 years ago this month that Max was conceived. And, if I have any kind of response, it will be my fourth T42 cycle and I conceived Max on my fourth cycle. And, the truth is that none of that matters, what only matters is if I get a good egg (assuming my ovaries function) that meets up with a nice sperm, etc. and so forth.
Boo hoo. Back to work tomorrow. Hopefully, it won’t be too bad since I have checked and tried to keep up on email almost every day while I was out so I can hit the ground running.
One finally blessing/prayer for Dr. P and her family as they official ceremonies are behind them and they begin a new normal without a man who was there foundation as we go into the Christmas season. In spite of my personal bads and goods this week, they have never been far from my mind. My problems seem to pale by comparison.
Good riddance to this crappy week. May the one ahead be better, even if I do have to go back to work. And, may Max not freak out too much tomorrow with me going back to work. I’m just hoping Max is so happy to see Noemi that it isn’t the major drama that it could be, especially if he is still feeling off. Because as crappy as this week was, we had each other. I’ll take the crappiest of weeks with Max in my life because they are better than the best weeks when he wasn’t.
ETA: Forgot one more crappy thing. I can't get the vomit smell out of Max's hair. After several baths, hair washings, etc. The poor kid still smells like vomit and has (at least to me) since Friday. Very annoying and disgusting.
Friday, December 01, 2006
My Funny Kid
I say this with total love and affection, but my son can be quite odd at times. Apparently, he has the stomach virus for the first time. My friend who watched Max for me yesterday afternoon, her daughter started vomiting right before we arrived and vomited a few times while Max was there and he was exposed. As I walked by his room this morning, I smelt the stench indicating that he has succumbed to the virus after exposure. I heard him stir a few times last night, but that isn’t too unusual especially since he only got an hour nap yesterday. Yes, I check and he is still alive and sleeping peacefully and other than the smell, the only evidence was a half a cherry laying on his sheet which I removed. As tempting as it is to wake him and clean him and the crib up, I decided he must need his sleep more. This is the first time he has ever vomited and he never was much of a spitter upper as a baby and this seemed not to phase him at all.
I have noticed (and so has at least one other friend who pointed it out) that Max seems fairly oblivious to physical discomfort. He tolerates cold extremely well and would most often* rather be outside in the cold playing than inside given the choice. He seems to handle teething pain well since the other day when he was throwing a fit when I was putting him in his car seat (sadly, a regular occurrence these days as near as I can tell just on general principle) I notice some of his back teeth (maybe a molar, but it seems to early for that) was coming in.
The only thing that really gets him upset is gas. He will cry and scream and fuss when he is gassy.
Okay, said kid has now woken. Must go. And, so starts another day.
Update: He is currently watching TV. Woke up in a great mood. Wanted to touch and play in his dried vomit chunks. His poor bunny got the worst of it. He seems to like the new work…Icky…and tried it out a few times. He got mildly upset when he saw his Poo Bear go into the washing machine. Only got really upset when I put him in the tub to wash his hair (fine initially until the hair washing/shower commenced). Really, really got worked up when I had to put him back in because there were still some chunks left and he needed a round 2. I think he really should have had a round 3, but decided not to push my luck. He is fine now that he is dry and dressed.
* He is in a TV phase and now has actually chosen to stay in and watch a show rather than go out in the cold, windy weather a time or two.
I have noticed (and so has at least one other friend who pointed it out) that Max seems fairly oblivious to physical discomfort. He tolerates cold extremely well and would most often* rather be outside in the cold playing than inside given the choice. He seems to handle teething pain well since the other day when he was throwing a fit when I was putting him in his car seat (sadly, a regular occurrence these days as near as I can tell just on general principle) I notice some of his back teeth (maybe a molar, but it seems to early for that) was coming in.
The only thing that really gets him upset is gas. He will cry and scream and fuss when he is gassy.
Okay, said kid has now woken. Must go. And, so starts another day.
Update: He is currently watching TV. Woke up in a great mood. Wanted to touch and play in his dried vomit chunks. His poor bunny got the worst of it. He seems to like the new work…Icky…and tried it out a few times. He got mildly upset when he saw his Poo Bear go into the washing machine. Only got really upset when I put him in the tub to wash his hair (fine initially until the hair washing/shower commenced). Really, really got worked up when I had to put him back in because there were still some chunks left and he needed a round 2. I think he really should have had a round 3, but decided not to push my luck. He is fine now that he is dry and dressed.
* He is in a TV phase and now has actually chosen to stay in and watch a show rather than go out in the cold, windy weather a time or two.
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