Just don’t know

I sit here on the cusp of New Years Eve with a dab of makeup and curlers in my hair. Not, because I have any hot plans for tonight…don’t have the energy or desire…but, because I’m taking more formal pictures with Max and my niece this afternoon. We were suppose to take them a few days ago, but Max woke up from his nap sick and crying and crabby only wanting mommy, mommy, mommy. One of those days were you change yourself and the kid every few minutes because you get peed on, medicine all over, etc.

I have no resolutions or intention of making any. I usually can’t even remember them come mid-January, let alone actually keep them. Lately, when I wish upon a star or say a small prayer, it is for clarity and peace. Clarity to know if and how my family should become complete and peace with the decisions and my body for failing me on having a second child.

As this day closes, as the year ends, so does the outlier timeframe on my t42 attempts. I knew when I weaned early, it would likely not happen right away, but I thought it would happen. I always wanted two children close together. Two years apart is the biggest age spread that I wanted in “the dream”. And, for that to happen, I would have had to get pregnant this month. Which didn’t happen. I didn’t get to even play the game.

I just don’t know what I want to do next. What I should do next. If anything.

I’ve been thinking that maybe it is just meant to be me and Max.

Then, I think I need to at least give it a few more attempts to see if we can get life into my own ovaries/eggs.

Then, I think about donor egg.

I toss around adoption (which really seems totally overwhelming at this point) would be really the only way I could get a closer age spread at this point.

Each option has pro’s and con’s. I have been thinking about them. Mulling it over.

And still, I have no clear direction. I just don’t know.

What I wanted, I just can’t have, at this point. So, what is the next step? I just don’t know and wish I did. I’m a big planner. I like to have plans inside of plans. Having no real plan or direction is very hard for me.

I had some CM (cervical mucus) the other day. At first I thought it was my imagination. But, the next day it was clearly there. Since I am now on cd31 with no period, it is possible that I had a late ovulation. Of course, the clinic was closed for the holiday weekend. I may get a progesterone test a week from Monday just to see what it shows. If I ovulated. If my ovaries are functioning.

The thing is, since I’m not pregnant and there is nothing in site, I feel pressure to make other decisions like whether to put Max in out of the house day care. I feel like he is ready for a change and more stimulation, but like the control and convenience of having Noemi come.

There seem to be too many decisions. And, I seem incapable of making any concrete ones right now. So, by default, I am making the decision to stay the course a bit longer and see what happens.

And, wish for peace and clarity. And, pray for clarity and peace. And, vow to try not to control that which can’t be controlled.

Maybe I will drink one of those bottles of Champagne (a very good one) tonight after I put Max down, get a little toasty, have an early night and wish myself Happy New Year! Or, maybe I will just do the same ole’ same ole’ after I put him down. See can’t even make a fricken decision about that. I’m a lot of things, but indecisive is not usually one of them.

Happy New Year! May next year be the best year ever for us all. Please, god, please?