On my mind

I should be wrapping Christmas presents, but instead I’m making my way through a bag of peanut M&M’s. I’ve been doing really great with not eating junk lately because I haven’t had any in the house, have resisted buying any while at the store and declined most holiday social gatherings because I haven’t had time and haven’t felt like trying to get a sitter. But, the M&M’s screamed at me while I was out doing last minute shopping.

I could also be trying to get my sister and my cousins new address, but really I don’t feel like it at this moment. Max is napping. Noemi is cleaning. My mom is headed over for the weekend. So, I’m going to enjoy my quite ‘me’ time while it lasts.

Some things that have been on my mind….

I’ve never been a nervous driver. Even when I first started driving, I was confident and did well with it. Since Dr. N died, I’m more contentious and thoughtful and just a tad nervous. Not that I think it really shows or anyone else would notice, but I do inside of me. I haven’t been driving in the far left lane or car pool lane most of the time because a friend told me that she saw or read something that said that the number one thing you can do to prevent a death (not including diet, exercise, etc.) was to not drive in the far left lane. Plus, I see these people driving, like this morning when I was running some errands, taking all kinds of foolish risks. Running red lights. Blowing through stop signs. Pulling out in front of people. I won’t even talk about the parking lot behavior. I just want to stop them and tell them to slow down, be more cautious, if not for themselves, then for others. Yet, I know that it would really do no good, because, you know, they are in a hurry, think they are beyond the rules or good rood etiquette. Really, I just see this behavior and it makes me sad.

I’m feeling kind of lost ttc wise. I always loved going to my clinic and emailing Dr. N and running theories and plans inside of plans by him. Especially since my consult with Dr. A, I don’t really feel like “I” have a doctor that is mine. Seems Dr. A and Dr. Q are going to jointly take me on. Probably it is best in the long run, but is leaving me feeling kind of lost right now. I want someone to tell me why they think my ovaries are sore. Not sure if I should email one or the other or both and figure they are just so busy right now they don’t have time for little ole me. It has crossed my mind to try to start fresh someplace else with a new clinic/RE, but I think it is too late in the game for that for me. Who would want to take on my case at this point? Plus, I don’t want some RE trying to tell me what to do. I want final say, which I will have where I am at. For example, doing dex with an IUI cycle. I don’t want someone telling me it is hopeless and they won’t take me on and I don’t want someone to just blindly have to follow some RE’s orders.

Did I mention that I have to be out of town for 4 days in the middle of January for work? I’ve been worrying and trying not to worry about this. Two friends said they would watch Max for me. My sister said that she would do it, which would be more ideal because then Max would be in his own house in his own bed at night, but only if her daughter still wasn’t living here at the time. I have a lot of thoughts, mostly ill will ones towards my sister on that. I just can’t imagine getting to a point that I would feel that uncomfortable or have that much animosity towards one of my children. It is really sad.

My sister, her husband, and her youngest daughter are in Seattle this year for Christmas visiting her husbands family. Her other daughter was not invited and will be spending Christmas here. Can you imagine? I know N is very hurt by this, who wouldn’t be. It just makes me so sad and angry. They do talk on the phone occasionally, but are not really communicating. My sister dropped off a bunch of presents the other day before she left, a lot for N. N told her that she didn’t really want any presents and would rather they talk and work things out. My sister didn’t, wouldn’t, and doesn’t get it and why N would be upset by the hypocrisy. Staying out of it has been hard, but I have so far. I’m just trying to give N as much love and support and family as I can right now.

I told Noemi the other day about my work trip in January and how I didn’t know who was going to watch Max; either my sister or one of my friends (who her cousin works for several days a week and Noemi knows well). Noemi came back the next day and told me she talked to her husband and that if my sister can’t stay, she would be happy to stay over night, for no extra money, because she loves Max and it will be better for him. We can both see him crying and not sleeping well and having a hard time adjusting. If my sister can’t/won’t stay, I probably will take Noemi up on that and I will pay her extra.

Of course, she tells me this right after I had been thinking petty thoughts about how I hate it when she leaves Max’s excersaucer on Shadow’s bed when she does the floor every day, or how she piles all my shoes/slippers up so I have to dig through them to find what I want, or how she touches and rearranges my bath towels every day. I know, I know, I should probably just tell her, BUT, I know it is just so stupid and petty that I can’t bring myself to even try to say the words. And, she really is good with and does love Max.

I have been very stupid financially lately. I’ve just been so busy, I haven’t gotten to my bills in a timely manner, haven’t balanced things, etc. and I have made some stupid mistakes that have cost me money. For example, with a late fee and a higher interest rate on one of my cards. Or, when I paid almost $600 to the gas company instead of the electric company. These are just a few of several. I keep trying to tell myself to give me a break, it hasn’t been the easiest few months and in the whole scheme of things. But, it is just such a waste of money. It makes me mad at myself. With all of the extra Christmas stuff, money is tighter than I like right now and than it has been in a long time.

I really want to send some money in memory of Dr. N to their children’s education fund, but can’t swing the amount I would like to donate ($500) right now. I’ve thought about doing less now and more later, but have decided to wait until January or early February. I just get the impression that money is an issue for Dr. P now that Dr. N has passed. And, I want to help if I can.

There is this radio station here that is granting Christmas Wishes. People call up and leave a message and they with the help of sponsors are donating gift cards and groceries and stuff to help some less fortunate for Christmas. I have thought about calling up and leaving a Christmas wish for Dr. P and the kids, but haven’t because I am not sure if it would be overstepping my bounds or if it would be welcome or what. Probably, things aren’t desperate for her, but I just get a strong feeling like money is going to be a huge issue and I know all too well how money trouble sucks and the weight that could cause on top of her grief. I just know how much I miss Dr. N and how badly I feel and it has to be nothing compared to that of his family. I can’t get them off my mind for long.

I ran out of Christmas cards. I should have ordered at least 5 or 10 more. Oh well, too late now. I guess I will just forgo sending the rest or send an email proof of the card. How tacky!

It has been cold and damp. Shadow still wants to “go” but is struggling a bit. I’ve been giving her pain meds every day recently to try and help her discomfort. She is having a hard time getting in and out of the car even with the twist step I have so this morning I put the carpets stairs that we use at home in the back of the car with her and took it with us so we could go see the ducks like we do most Friday mornings. Yesterday, we just walked around the neighborhood in the morning instead of going to a park. It was cold (34 degrees F) and the ground was icy and frosty. We were about ¾ of the way and Max sat down on someone’s lawn to rest. Shadow laid down next to him and Max scooted over and gave Shadow a big lay on top of you hug with a big smile. Shadow is so great with him even though it has to hurt her when he climbs over and on or tries to ride her. I keep telling myself she has had a long (16 years) well lived life, but I am not ready to loose her. She has slipped a few times on the tile floor in the house and will stand and sure herself up if she needs to leave the carpet to go onto the tile now. I’m not ready to loose her.

I felt slightly guilty after Max and Noemi left this morning about Max potentially having Chicken Pox and that I shouldn’t have let them go, but I really don’t think it is Chicken Pox and he is feeling fine and really needed to leave the house for a bit today. The truth is I didn’t really even think about it until after they were gone, but probably would have let them go anyway if I had. I remember complaining awhile back about people taking their kids out sick and how inconsiderate that is, and now I am potentially one of those people. Sigh.

There are probably a few other random thoughts I have been thinking about and need to get off my chest before going into the holiday weekend, one where my mom will be spending here with me testing my patients and good will, but I think I got all the big ticket items and worries out.

Now, back to completing the tasks at hand.