Crappy Week

All and all, it has been a crappy week. Of course, it could have been worse. I could have also had to work this week instead of being on vacation. That was a silver lining in the dark clouds this week. If only….I could be a stay at home mom. Sigh, anyway….

1) Dr. N’s death tops the list on the bad scale this week. The service was nice and I’m glad I went. There were hundreds and hundreds in attendance. It filled the entire ballroom at a Ritz Carlton hotel. I always knew that Dr. N and Dr. P had a really great marriage and that came across clearly during the service. I’m sure that will make things all the harder for her in the days to come. Probably, the most touching was when the older kids read letters they had written to their daddy. I can cry all over again thinking about it. They both said how much they missed him and wished he could be there for Christmas. I’ve been thinking about how after the shock and horror have passed that my life goes on almost as normal from a day in and day out perspective; and how hard it was when I lost Lucky last year. There family will never be the same again. I can only imagine how hard things will be emotionally, financially, physically, and logistically. Four kids with the youngest of them less than a week old. Dr. P is an OB. She delivered Max. Max was born at 11:01 pm. From a day to day perspective, her life just got exponentially harder and she will be doing it without the support of the person she needed it most from. I’ve just been hoping and praying that God (or whatever higher being a person may believe in) gives the family the strength and resources needed to cope.
2) Max has been sick. He had that vomit episode Thursday night/Friday morning sometime and other than being a little less active, not eating much, and loose stool, he was basically fine. Then, last night he vomited again. He woke up at 4 ish and I brought him into bed with me (first time in a long long time I have tried that) with some milk. He sucked that down and we both dozed until 6 am. He was really off all day today. Didn’t eat anything. Wouldn’t drink anything. Finally, my niece ran to the store for me and picked up some saltines (without the salt), popsicles, animal crackers and pedialite. I cooked a potato. And, that’s what he had for dinner. A small taste of each with everything rejected except the saltines of which he had maybe 1. I know they say no milk with a tummy upset, but really it was the only thing he wanted. Actually, he went to the fridge, fussed until I opened the door, touched the milk, and said, “ba ba”. Hey, I can take a hint. I gave him 4 oz. around 6 pm and another 6 oz. when I put him to bed around 7 and he drank it all. We will see how tonight does. He has been off bottles for months now unless I want him to have some Tylenol, but figured he was sick and I was going to give the kid what he wanted after not really eating much of anything for days. When I was washing the bottle, I saw that he had bit off, entirely, the top of the nipple. I sure hope he didn’t swallow it cause that can’t be good for the tummy, period, let alone an already upset one.
3) I was going through a stack of bills and saw a disconnect notice for the electric company. Apparently, I paid the gas company an extra $600 this month. So, I had to pay another $600 to the electric company. I hate when I do dumb ass stuff like that. This was just not a good month for that type of screw up. I just paid over $1200 for the meds for this cycle, need extra cash for holiday bonuses for Noemi and Anna (cleaning lady), Christmas presents, etc.
4) I washed my cell phone in a load of laundry last night. I discovered this when I heard something thumping around in the dryer that shouldn’t have been. Several hundred dollars, I now have a new phone, but lost an hour of my time and all of my phone numbers. I really, really hate when I do stupid shit like this. It is just a f’ing waste of money. I seriously thought about not replacing it right way, but got it for safety reasons and for being able to check in on Max when away from him.
5) The vacuum broke earlier in the week. After a trip to the repair shop, they guy and I figured it was something I could fix myself. Not only will this option save me several hundred dollars, but the part should be here faster than if I had to send the vacuum out. Ultimately, this wasn’t a major deal, just an huge inconvenience of being without a vacuum with a toddler.
6) Moving off of the money stuff, I have been having an icky, bloody cycle. I kid you not. On Friday, I went through over 6 panties and pants/shorts because of leakage. Major leakage. On Saturday, I think it was only 2. This was using double pads (under the category of TMI, I can’t use tampons because I start getting all the symptoms of toxic shock, probably because of how clotty my periods are). I found out I was leaking by sitting on the ottoman of Max’s rocker, which is fabric. As careful as I was, I did this not once, but twice damn it! Between Max’s vomiting and diarrhea and me bleeding all over everything. I have been cleaning up one mess after another and doing so much laundry.

The thing is, days and weeks like this make me more determined not to get bent out of shape over mistakes and life’s hurdles. Yes, I did have to talk myself out of bursting into tears over the phone and to give myself a break for the mistake over the eclectic bill. It may not work for everyone, but self talk can work for me. It did today.

The week wasn’t all bad. I didn’t have to work and got to spend lots of extra time with Max. Most mornings these last two weeks, I met a friend (who is a SAHM that I don’t get to see much these days) and her kids at the park and we got brief conversations in while chasing, playing with, and refereeing the kids. My nurse coordinator gave me a box of Menopur (5 vials) saving me several hundred dollars on meds. I got a cell phone that has that blue chip headset, which I am hoping will work better than other ones that I last less than a week and never worked well, so I can be hands free and presumably safer when I drive. I’m blessed with my son and my health (haven’t gotten Max’s bug yet…knock on wood). I have wonderful, wonderful friends (several of whom really pitched in this week to watch Max for me at the last minute which was so incredibly helpful I can’t even express). Money may be tight this month and maybe the next few while I catch up, but overall I am financially sound.

Cycle wise, I’m happy in a sick sort of way that I’m wired from the Dex and the stims because the cycles I had no response, I didn’t have that reaction. It gives me some hope that maybe I will at least get a little response. And, really, it couldn’t happen at a better time because I have a heck of a lot of work that needs to get done in the next few weeks that will not be able to get done fully during regular business hours even if I didn’t have to be out several times for monitoring for the cycle. Actually, Friday night I almost completely forgot to start them, but remembered about 10 pm (when the plan was to start taking them around 7:30 pm after Max is down). I was so busy getting everything done that had to get done that it just slipped my mind. Friday night, I didn’t wrap thing up until midnight and was up at 4 am. Saturday, I rested while Max napped when we got home after Dr. N’s service, but wasn’t completely exhausted. Tonight, after a day like today with Max sick, errands, etc. I am still going strong at 9 pm instead of being ready to crawl into bed after I get Max down. Hey, if I have to be amp’d up on stims and dex, now is a really good time for it.

On the worry side of the cycle stuff, I am worried because my period has been so heavy and so “clotty”. Dr. Q (new RE) comment on how nice and think my lining was at the baseline u/s. I keep telling myself that it is just because of the estrogen and not that the estrogen caused my fibroids to grow and cause it. Clotting and heavy bleeding is a sign/symptom of fibroids. It was a calculated risk (taking the estrogen since fibroids feed on estrogen) that I was aware of prior to starting this cycle. I just hope it pays off. I am trying not to worry because at this point, it really is what it is, worrying won’t change it.

Of course, I think every time I cycle, it is a good cycle to get pregnant, but I especially feel this way this month, this time. Dr. Q and I talked about what a great tribute to Dr. N it would be. The best. I think if I don’t get pregnant this month, it is going to be extra hard because of that and because it was 2 years ago this month that Max was conceived. And, if I have any kind of response, it will be my fourth T42 cycle and I conceived Max on my fourth cycle. And, the truth is that none of that matters, what only matters is if I get a good egg (assuming my ovaries function) that meets up with a nice sperm, etc. and so forth.

Boo hoo. Back to work tomorrow. Hopefully, it won’t be too bad since I have checked and tried to keep up on email almost every day while I was out so I can hit the ground running.

One finally blessing/prayer for Dr. P and her family as they official ceremonies are behind them and they begin a new normal without a man who was there foundation as we go into the Christmas season. In spite of my personal bads and goods this week, they have never been far from my mind. My problems seem to pale by comparison.

Good riddance to this crappy week. May the one ahead be better, even if I do have to go back to work. And, may Max not freak out too much tomorrow with me going back to work. I’m just hoping Max is so happy to see Noemi that it isn’t the major drama that it could be, especially if he is still feeling off. Because as crappy as this week was, we had each other. I’ll take the crappiest of weeks with Max in my life because they are better than the best weeks when he wasn’t.

ETA: Forgot one more crappy thing. I can't get the vomit smell out of Max's hair. After several baths, hair washings, etc. The poor kid still smells like vomit and has (at least to me) since Friday. Very annoying and disgusting.