cd13 update

Very, very tired. So tired, I can hardly think/see straight. Max hasn’t really been sleeping that great. I just keep remembering my mothers day present - 6 am. That is the last time I have seen that number on the clock upon wake up. Not to mention, not being able to fall asleep due to the stims. This morning, the wake up call came at 3:x5, with x being either a 4 or 5. It is a tad foggy.

Saw my RE today. I really do like that guy. He said it was my call to either trigger tonight for a Friday IUI or stim one more night, trigger tomorrow night, for a Saturday 10 am IUI (assuming I don’t get an LH surge). I’m going for another night of stims. My lead follicle was 22 today and the next closest was 15. If I stim another day, the lead should be about 24 and the smaller about 16 ish, which is the exact combo I had on the day of trigger I had on the cycle I got pregnant with Max. I guess if I can’t have volume, I can at least try to make conditions as close to what once worked. The odds aren’t great, but better than none.

I’m feeling a tad better about the “poor responder” label. It isn’t as if I didn’t KNOW I had a poor response based on my FSH and quantity of drugs, but it just stung to hear it out loud. Plus, I am too tired to care much at this point.

Max is out swimming with his nanna right now. Let Naomi go early. My mom was thrilled. I think Naomi was equally happy with the situation.

We are going to do a low key dinner tonight.

My son is so incredible. Yesterday, he was crawling around the living room and was trying to open the door of the entertainment unit. He was getting frustrated because he couldn’t get the door open, because he was in the way. I could see his little mind spinning and trying to figure it out. He moved out of the way and the door flew open. He turned to look at me with the biggest smile. He was so proud of himself for figuring it out and I was cheering him on. I just can’t believe how quickly he is growing and developing.

I think I wanted to say more, like what my RE said about moving to IVF and all that, but I am too tired. Maybe tomorrow or Friday. I’m spending the weekend with a friend (after the IUI). I am so looking forward to getting away and just relaxing a bit, as much as you can relax with a 9 month old who needs supervision, attention, and cuddles.

Our Appointments

Max and I both had doctor’s appointments today. His was his 9 month well baby exam. Mine was my cd11 follicle check. Max’s went better than mine.

Max is 29 ¼ inches long, 18 lbs 8 oz, and his head circumference is 17 7/8. Or, 75% in length (still), 25% in weight (which is an increase), and “average” head, which I took to mean 50th percentile (and I forget what he was before, but think about the same). Dr. H said he was perfect and all is well. He gave me a list of food no-no’s for the next few months, several of which I have already given Max. It has something to do with being more likely to develop an allergy to them later in life if they are introduced earlier and stopping now will help. Okay, no problem. Max had a TB test so he has to go back on Wednesday or Thursday to have it “read”. I could have waited until his 12 month appointment, but new I would have to be going back on Wed. or Thurs. anyway for my cycle so decided to get it done and over with.

My appointment left me feeling sad. I am officially a “poor responder”. The funny thing is that I have known that I haven’t had a great response, but getting the label stung a bit. It is like knowing you are obese and having someone tell you you are. I wrote a success story for my clinics web page. It got posted the other day and I went to take a look. Under diagnosis, it said, “poor responder”. I had wondered if Dr. N had told them that or they got it from what I wrote. I re-read what I wrote and I say right in there that I responded poorly, but seing it in black and white it stung a bit. Then, today, during my u/s I was asking my RE if moving to IVF was really the next best move since I wouldn’t produce enough follicles to make it worth while, Dr. N used the term for the first time…the “poor responder” label. We talked about his poor responder study and he said I likely wouldn’t qualify because I haven’t been on the maximum dose of stims and I had to remind him that I was now over 40. But, I wouldn’t really want to be in the study anyway because I wouldn’t want to be in the control group. He said he would give me the most aggressive protocol for poor responders they have. We both agreed it would help if my right ovary decided to participate. He said it is caused by decreased blood flow that could be a result of my surgery or just old age and that one ovary usually “stops” before the other. Lovely. Like the pressure and baby time clock wasn’t ticking as loudly already.

Anyway, a few more follicles decided to show up. One in the lead at 18, then a 12, 11, 9, 7. He thought we could maybe get 3 out of it if we continued to stim me for a few more days and I don’t get an LH surge. I go back on Wednesday for another u/s. He said 75% chance I would trigger Wednesday night for a Friday IUI. If not, it will be cutting into my weekend travel plans. But, I am not going to stress about that, but I am going to try to line up someone to watch Max on Saturday or Sunday just in case. The hard part is that I have told so few people that I am cycling. And, so many people are out of town. I guess I can see if Naomi wants to earn extra money.

Work is going pretty crumby right now. I need to make some decisions around that, but the timing is just wrong on that. I decided to talk to one of my bosses, but we didn’t connect today. I wish that conversation was done because my stomach gets a huge knot every time I think about it.

I am really missing my acupuncturist. She has been on my mind for the last few months, but I haven’t had a chance to call and no way schedule wise I can get in right now. I hadn’t realized how much the acu treatment helped with stress and to counter balance the insomnia and anxiety I get on stims.

I am also really missing my Lucky at this moment. I have found that when I am down and feeling sorry for myself, like now, I tend to miss her a whole bunch more. She was my cuddle bunny. She would be at my feet licking them right now or trying to climb into my lap because I am crying. She loved me like no one else ever has in my life and I miss that all the time, but especially right now and when I am feeling low.

I think I will send a few emails out and then go cry myself to sleep. I think I really need the stress relief and since Sex and acupuncture are out….

BTW, I do know that this cycle CAN still work. Shoot, I got pregnant on a much worse one. But, that was a once in a life time miracle. I can still happen, but the odds are not that great. The logistical, emotional, and financial toll for each cycle is high. Since I am a “poor responder”, the cost/benefit ratio is just not there.

Yes, I realize that Max has gotten a lot less “press” lately. But, I am contents under pressure. I am the author so I can make it all about me if I want to..if I need to.

Blowing Bubbles and Forgetfulness

My son is just the cutest little guy, even if he was a tad fussier than normal and boycotted his afternoon nap once again.

Tonight, in the tub, he bent over so his face was in the water and started blowing bubbles. He was so cute and so proud of himself. He did it 4 or 5 times, then swallowed some water and started choking. After being able to breathe again, he put his face right back in the water to do it again. LOL. It was very funny, except for the few seconds when I could see panic in his face/eyes after swallowing the water until he could catch a breath again. I wonder if he just picked that up on his own or if Naomi showed him how to do that in the pool. She has been swimming with him in the afternoon.

Earlier today, when we were at lunch with a friend, I was giving him a drink of water from a water bottle. He put his whole mouth over the spout and instead of drinking like normal, he started blowing air into the bottle. My friend and I just laughed at his antics. I brought Chicken, Squash, and Apple Sauce for him. After about ¾ of the jar of Chicken and about the time our meals arrived, he started spitting out the baby food. Funny kid, he knows I don’t like it so he looks right at me and does it with a smile. Oh my, am I going to have my hands full with this one. So, he ended up eating half a pickle; some of my roast beef sandwich; and even a small piece or two of grilled onion and loved every bite. None of that got spit out. LOL.

On my way out the door for lunch, I peed in a cup because I am supposed to be checking an OPK to make sure I don’t get my LH surge early by stimming to fast. A few minutes ago, I remembered that I was supposed to do my stims and had forgotten. I go in the bathroom to mix and shoot up and saw the pee cup sitting there. LOL. I tested that sample and took another, more recent, one. Both indicate that I have not yet surged.

Now, I just need to take my pre-natal. Load the dishwasher. And, call it a night. After I go check in on my cute little bubble blowing, food spitting kid who was asleep by 7 pm tonight (fell asleep in my arms again) he was so tired.

Melt Downs and Worries

We are still sick around here. I thought Max was getting better, but this morning was very congested again and having major melt downs. A few warranted, like having his nose suctioned. Most not, like not wanting to wear his hat on the walk this morning, Shadow moving away from him, his bottle running out when he wanted just one more ounce. He hasn’t wanted to fall asleep in my arms in quite awhile. This morning he did. I love the cuddle time, but not at the price of illness and him not feeling well. I would rather him be feeling up to par and wanting to get into everything.

The last two mornings I have given him Tylenol and Benadryl with breakfast to help the aches and pains I know he must have and the congestion. He is clearly hungry, but has no interest in food or drink when he is feeling so icky. While I hate to dose out the drugs, I have found they really do help him for the rest of the day. The suctioning is only effective for about 3 minutes and he throws such a fit that all the crying and tears just gets him more congested. The medicine has been the most effective method of help so far. That, and momma cuddles and kisses. Poor guy.

These tears and tantrums can be very trying and tiring. And, yet, I still really want more. I hope he isn’t on his way to getting another ear infection. We have his 9 month well baby exam tomorrow. I guess we will find out then. I need to write out my questions for the Dr. so I don’t forget during the appointment.

I still haven’t been sleeping great. I did manage to doze yesterday morning while Max napped, but slept light and crappy again last night. Not only does that suck because I am tired and not feeling so great myself, but it gives me more time to worry.

I’ve been worrying about my cycle, my body, growing my family, and work.

Taking them in reverse order, I was hoping some changes at work would help fix/change the situation at work that has been bothering me since I was out on maternity leave. It looks like that isn’t the case. I’ve decided I am going to talk to one of my bosses about it next week, the one that I have yet to talk to about my issues and concerns. We will see how that goes. I have been wishing the problem would go away, but with some recent changes, it has made it a bit worse.

On the ttc and growing my family front, this process is just full of so many lows with an occasional high. I’m really a bit depressed and bummed out by how this cycle is going so far. I wish I had a better response to the meds. When I was up not sleeping last night, I sent another email to my RE asking if how or where I was injecting the stims could be causing the right ovary boycott or the lack luster response. I figure it is pretty unlikely, but that it couldn’t hurt to ask since I was up and working about in anyway. Most of the time, I think I will likely be able to conceive another child even it if isn’t right off the bat, but when I am feeling tired, but wired on stims; physically sick; and worried about work I lose the faith.

Last night, when I gave myself my shot, I realized how unattractive I look at the present moment. My belly is all soft and big and filled with stretch marks. My butt is a lumpy wide load with ample space for more shots without hitting the same real estate. My boobs are smaller than they have been in awhile and saggy and soft. I am only about 5 lbs heavier than I was when I cycled for Max, but I just feel huge and ugly right now. Normally, I am not so worried about body image because I eat reasonably well and get out and exercise/walk twice a day. I figure I am who I am and with my gene pool, I can only do so much. But, with the reduce exercise, the drugs, the lack of sleep, and the being sick, it is eating into my psyche on this.

I wish my cycle were going better. I know it can still work, but the whole point of doing the stims is to get more follicles/eggs to improve the odds. It is hard to pay the physical, emotional, and financial price for such a low return.

I still miss my Lucky an awful lot. Yesterday, we did a trail that I don’t think we have done since she was gone. Shadow looked really happy to be there and did the whole thing. It was all I could do not to sob my way through it. I really wish she was still living and part of my everyday life instead of just my memories.

I guess it doesn’t help that we have had damp drizzly weather and gray skies lately.

Yesterday afternoon, we did a bunch of errands and I got some gates to block off parts of the house from Mr. Max. They weren’t exactly what I was looking for, but the first two stores didn’t have ANYTHING so I decided to give a try to what the third store had. I guess it will work.

I wish I could go crawl in bed and try to take another nap since I slept so poorly last night, but I made brunch/lunch plans so must go shower and get pulled together.

I know that this funk is just a short term thing caused by many, many factors, but I really hate the anxious out of sorts feeling I have had lately.

Big sigh. Big yawn.

Follicle Recruitment

Follicle recruitment is something I have decided I suck at. Suffice it to say that today's u/s didn't go that great. Only 3 follicles, one, of course, in the lead. Here is my latest email to my RE. Next u/s Monday afternoon. I likely will not hear back until Monday during my u/s. In the meantime, I am sick and not sleeping because of the stims. I raelly hate this process and just want to be pregnant already, darn it!

Dr. N - I was thinking on the way home from the u/s today that it really makes no difference what my FSH and E2 are because no matter what protocol I am on, I seem to produce about the same number of follicles. You know that if this cycle didn’t work, I was planning on joining the July IVF cycle. But, after the results of today’s u/s and looking at my past history (which I have summarized below), I am not sure that would be the best decision because the amount of stims doesn’t seem to make much difference. I seem to get about 3 – 5 follicles on my left to start and end with 1 or 2, my right has never been a contender and hasn’t even participated in the last 3 cycles. On the other hand, I seem to get pregnant every other cycle so if that trend continues, this cycle could work and I wouldn’t need to worry about moving to IVF. Do you have any thoughts as to why I seem to not recruit and grow that many follicles and is there anything that can be done about it? If this cycle doesn’t work, do you really think that IVF is the next best step based on my history? I just don’t see where I would make enough follicles to make it worthwhile, especially with my right ovary choosing not to play. Based on my FSH and E2 with the amount of stims I have taken, I feel like I should be producing more. Thoughts? Ideas? BTW, my prediction for Monday’s u/s is that I have one large dominate follicle, 1 smaller follicle, and the third will have disappeared entirely. Debbie

Debbie Cycle History Summary Chart**

** This was an excel spreadsheet, but I can't figure out how to align thing to a table here so I am just going to leave it even though it makes it harder to read, because I am tired and not in the mood to fiddle with it.

Cycle 1
Date: April 2004

Cycle Day
10
13
15
17
18

Right
8
12
17
19
10

Left
9, 7
13, 13, 9
18, 16, 7
18, 15, 9
23, 20

Lining
9.8
9.7
10.1
9.9

Protocol
Clomid, No Trigger

Procedure
IUI cd 17, IUI cd18

Result
Negative


Cycle 2
Date: June 2004

Cycle Day
9
13
15

Right
12
18
?

Left
10, 8
14, 12
?

Lining
5
9.6
?

Protocol
Clomid, with Trigger

Procedure
IUI cd 15

Result
Pregnant, M/C


Cycle 3
Date: September 2004

Cycle Day
9
11
13



Right
13, 11
15

Left
16, 10, 9
20, 14
23, 18

Lining
8.14
9.1
9.3

Protocol
2 amps Repronex/Pergonal, Viagra, with Trigger

Procedure
IUI cd 13

Result
Negative


Cycle 4
Date: December 2004

Cycle Day
9
11

Right


Left
24, 16, 13, 12, 10
27, 16

Lining
8.44
?

Protocol
L5

Procedure
IVF Cxl, Converted to IUI cd11

Result
Pregnant, Max

Cycle 5
Date: April 2006

Cycle Day
5
7
9

Right
?

Left
?
17, 13, 10
21, 10

Lining
?
9.6
10.2

Protocol
Natural, with Trigger

Procedure
IUI cd 12

Result
Negative


Cycle 6
Date: May 2006

Cycle Day
8
11
13

Right


Left
13. 8, 8

Lining
9.1

Protocol
2 amps Gonal F, 1 amp Repronex

Procedure
IUI cd ?

Result
TBD

Stimulants

I can’t remember the last time I had caffeine. I wasn’t hard for me to give up while ttc and/or pregnant because I didn’t drink it very often anyway. It amps me up too much. If I would have even a small amount after 1 or 2 pm, I would have trouble sleeping.

I will almost never have dessert or something sweet after dinner or even late afternoon. If I am going to partake, I will do so in the morning or early afternoon. I get a little too much of a sugar high and it causes me to have trouble sleeping. Not as badly as caffeine, but enough for me to notice.

Even with Tylenol PM, I have only slept 4 – 5 hours since I started the stims for this cycle. I had forgotten how badly I react to them. They seem to stim not only my ovaries, but my bowels and my entire body. I lay down to sleep and can feel the blood speeding through my veins. I can’t relax. It is not really an anxious feeling and I don’t actually get the shakes, but it is similar. I just can’t sleep. I forgot how much it affected me and how much I don’t like that feeling.

In my previous cycles, I did acupuncture to help counter balance the affect. I just can not fit acu trips in my schedule right now. And, I am feeling it. I am so tired, I can’t see straight and can only think about sleeping. Plus, I feel like crap and think I am getting the cold Max just got over. However, it could also be part of my reaction to the meds because I remember my acu telling me that I say that I don’t feel well and think I am coming down with something every time I stim.

In general, I am a pretty crappy sleeper. Maybe that is why having an infant doesn’t really seem that hard to me most days. I am used to lack of sleep. Actually, on average I am pretty sure that I get more sleep post Max than pre Max.

However, I am feeling it today, baby. And, as tired as I am right now, once I inject myself tonight, I will lay there wired and not be able to sleep.

While I am complaining, I am also getting this really big zit right in the middle of my chin and it hurts.

I really had better get pregnant this cycle to make up for how badly I feel. I know. I know. There is no justice in the ttc process. There is no consideration for pain and suffering, financial and/or emotional expense. Only if there is a good enough egg and a good enough sperm that join to form and healthy enough embryo.

Still, I can hope and pray over here that my round 2 ttc journey is faster, less painful, and less money than my first round, can’t I?

On the bright side, I am so glad I tested my FSH and E2. My FSH was better this cycle than in 2004.

Date 4/5/04 5/16/06
FSH 6.5 5.5
E3 31 48

Not bad for an overweight, sleep deprived, advanced maternal age, over 40 gal.

Have I mentioned how tired and crappy I am feeling? Oh, I have?

9 months - today

My baby is 9 months today! I’m loving it. Even on tough days like this when I have been up since 3:30 and he is sick. Really, he has been back to his pleasant disposition (mostly). Monday was really the worst day where he cried at pretty much everything. He is still a bit fussier than normal, but it isn’t soooo bad.

Is it me, or would this just be a great month to get pregnant? Max would be 18 months old. In 9 months from now, double his age, he could have a sibling. Not counting on it, but it sure would be nice.

Feeling lots of pressure on my left ovary. It actually started before the stims after the baseline u/s. I think it is that small cyst that has been bothering me ever since last month. I may ask Dr. N about draining it on Friday if he can tell the difference from the others still.

Shot went well last night. I’m glad that I had the PIO and HCG shots under my belt before starting the medicated cycle to get me back into the groove.

It has been so hot here that Naomi didn’t even want to take Max to the park. She said the equipment is too hot and could burn him. I told her whatever she thought was best. It was great timing because the suits I ordered came. Well, the two I ordered for me came and one of the ones I ordered for her. Her other one is on back order until the end of the month. Her eyes lit up when it came and within 10 minutes she had Max out in the pool. She said it fit just fine and that she was happy with it. I’m really glad that I offered to get a few for her. I also told her I was fine with her inviting some of her friends from the park to come and swim. I think it make it a bit more fun for both her and Max. We will see if she does.

Not much else new.

When I was up in the middle of the night not able to go back to sleep, I came up with that I think I will put on the memorial plaque for Lucky. I had written up what I wanted to say and then I was told I only have 3 (4 if I want to push it) with 22 characters including spaces for each line. Here is what I think I am going to go with.

Lucky
A zest for life.
A friend like no other.
A special bond forever.

I want to ponder it a day or two. Feel free to give thoughts or ideas.

My mom is back from a Cosco run for me (and her) so I suppose I should go help her unload. Or rather, go unload, because she will not bring it in and will just whine and leave it in her car.

Happy 9 Month B-Day to my cute, adorable, good natured, boogger boy!

cd5 baseline u/s update

I just got back from my cd5 baseline u/s. My RE laughed when I told him I was thinking about canceling the cycle*. I am still laughing at his response. I am in a much better mood after the appointment. Most of the time, I am always in a better mood come away from that place than going in. We agreed to do a lesser dose of stims. I think he was geared up for a “discussion” to convince me. I told him I was right on board with that and of the same opinion. I had a small cyst left over from the last cycle, but it was small enough to proceed without draining. I refrained from pointing out that I “knew” that and that was why I suspected that I hadn’t ovulated. He said he saw 10 antral follicles on my left. My right was typically hard to find with nothing to show for itself. The lining was thin, but good for so early in the cycle.

I stop by the pharmacy to get the meds, which rang up to under $50. I guess they have the benefits wrong because insurance was not supposed to pay. SCORE! It should have been over $1K, since we only got enough from now until Friday. If I had known insurance was picking it up for just the co-pay, I would have gotten more. LOL.

Dr. N talked to me about the possibility of having to convert the other way to IVF depending on my response. I think all those antrals made him a tad nervous.

We will see how things look on Friday.

I talked him into letting me have my E2 and FSH tested. If this cycle fails, we will test again on cd3 prior to moving to IVF. If it is successful, I want to know what the number is incase I foolishly decided to try this again down the road.

Okay, got to go and spend the evening with Mr. Max who isn’t eating much, is coughing and sneezing, and has a drippy nose, but seems to be feeling much better than yesterday.

*and I didn't even tell him (yet) about being due on my b-day if this cycle is successful.

Cancel?

Guess who is sick? Yes, Max and I have both caught the cold after being exposed this weekend.

My little experiment: Yesterday was a very hard day for Max. My usual happy, easy going guy was replaced with a boy who cried at the smallest things. He just plain did not feel well. After work, I was playing with him a bit to wait for the outside temperature to drop a bit before taking our walk so that it wasn’t so hot for Shadow. But, Max had one meltdown after another so we went on a nice long walk; talked to a few neighbors; sang a few songs; and he was fine. When we got home, I put in Baby Bach and we cuddled and watched it together. At some major injustice (can’t remember what now exactly, he couldn’t reach a toy he wanted or something and was having a major crying fit over it), I just cuddled him close. I was remembering fondly breastfeeding which was a terrific soother. So, I decided to try this little experiment I have been thinking about for awhile. The how would Max react if presented with the boob now that there is no milk in it. I decided that now was a fine time to try it. So, I brought out my boob. He just looked at it and put his mouth over it and started laughing. He didn’t even try to suckle, but I think that was his only laugh all day and snapped him out of his bad mood.

On canceling: I have been thinking that I should cancel and not cycle this month; that conditions are less than ideal and if I am going to pay the $2K+ for meds, use another vial of precious sperm, have all the monitoring, etc. I should wait. That is the logical/practical me. The emotional, I want to be pregnant now, me says that despite a less than ideal start., this month could be the month. Unless, my RE recommends NOT moving forward this afternoon at the baseline u/s, I will move forward.

On self torture: I have this terrible, terrible habit. Each time I do it, I swear that I will not do it again. And, yet, next time, I do it all over again. When I was thinking of canceling, I thought. Hmmm. I wonder what the due date will be if I do conceive on this cycle. Based on LMP (last menstrual period), the due date would be …..drum roll…..

FEBRUARY 15, 2007

Which just happens to be my 41st Birthday.

Yesterday vs. Today

Yesterday – I got to sleep in until 6. Today – I was up at 5:15 am.

Yesterday - Max was in a good mood and took good naps. Today - Max has been fussy and had three short naps.

Yesterday - Max was healthy. Today - Max is getting sick (cold/cough); isn’t feeling well; lost his balance; cut/bruised his eye; screamed for 10 -15 min.; then fell asleep; causing a trip to the pediatrician to rule out something serious and/or a concussion.

I am not feeling so happy with a new SMC member that came to our meeting on Saturday when her son, who is a few weeks younger than Max, was “just getting over something” because Max now has what he was “getting over”. I liked her and I liked her son. It will be great having another kid right in the same age for Max to grow up with, but life is so much harder when Max gets sick. Then, I get sick. I have to drag Max and Naomi to the doctor. Max didn’t get any time at the park today and had to eat lunch in his car seat on the way home. I know that kids will get sick. I am not ultra paranoid about germs and what he is getting exposed to, but it just inconsiderate to me to blatantly expose other children like that. Right now, I am Listening to Max totally whine as Naomi tries to give him dinner and I must say it is really annoying.

I emailed our group organizer and told her I was going to say something to the mom next time about not bringing her kid if he is sick or just getting over being sick. As much as I love going to the meetings, I have passed when we were feeling under the weather. Maybe when the kids get older it will not be that big of a deal, but at this age it is just too hard and not worth the few hours of socialize for days of a sick, fussy whinny kid; even when that kids is as good natured as Max is. You can’t give them anything but Tylenol or Motrin to help the aches and nothing for the stuffiness. If this turns into another ear infection, I am going to be really upset.

Yes, I am feeling a tad grouchy at the moment. It hasn’t helped that I totally bled through last night all over my sheets and panties. And, then again, right before I left to take Max to the doctor. I finally used one of the big mega pads left over from delivering Max. Not pleasant.

Today is not as good a day as yesterday was.

Great Day!

Today was a wonderful day. Just exactly how I wanted it to go. Max, Shadow, City Boy, and I just hanging out. Okay, well, as usual, Shadow and City spent most of the day outside avoiding us, but they are in with me now. I guess they have already forgiven me for the bath/shower they got this evening after our walk/before dinner even if they are not yet completely dry. LOL. It HAD to be done. I have been meaning to do it. The clincher was when Shadow laid down and got all wet in a water puddle on the walk. I figured, she was already wet, I may as well get her clean. And, poor City, he came around to see what was going on and I got him in on the wash. He was less than thrilled, but need it just as badly as Shadow.

Max gave me a wonderful present. He let me sleep until 6 am. I was not expecting the night to go so well because we were running all day Saturday and he napped in the car, we got home and to bed late. Usually, this means a wake up or two and an early rise. He slept through until 6. We will see if I can be so lucky two nights in a row.

The park that we walked around this morning has a matted play area instead of sand so instead of just swinging with Max as has become our morning routine. I let him crawl all around. Then, he crawled up and around the actual structure itself between my legs to prevent him from falling over one of the sides. I guess he really wore himself out because we came home, had a bit of breakfast, and I put him down for a nap. The kid slept 3 hours. We just played around the house all afternoon and Max helped me find more things I need to child proof. Around 2:30 he got a bit whinny, but I didn’t think he was tired enough to sleep so I tried a bottle. He happily cuddled and sucked down 4 oz. before wanting to play/crawl some more. Around 3:30, I tried to put him down for a nap and he sucked down another 4 oz. but just wouldn’t settle to sleep even though I could tell he was tired so I offered him more formula and the kids sucked down another 4 oz. for a total of 12 oz. of formula within 90 min. (that is a record for him) and took a 60 min. nap. I tried to give him dinner, but I guess he still wasn’t hungry so we took our evening walk, washed the dog and cat, then had dinner, played a bit more, had a bath, and he was in bed by 8 pm with no fuss and no muss after drinking another 8 oz. of formula.

Really, it was perfect. Okay, well, not perfect, exactly, since I am having a heavy enough period that I ended up bleeding through and not realizing it until after we finished dinner and I saw “red” on the chair cushion. And, I saw a flea on City while I was bathing him, which I killed, but freaked me out a bit because I detest fleas. He will be getting a flea treatment tomorrow as soon as I can get some stuff for him. I am brining in the mail/watching one of my neighbors houses while they are out of town and one of their sprinklers is leaking (so I turned off their water and left a message for them). So, maybe NOT perfect, but very nice. Exactly the day I wanted to have.

It was nice for us just to be home and hang out with each other. Max was able to play independently for stretches at a time while I did things like make sure all the sharp knives were out of the drawers that he (probably) couldn’t reach, but after the lamp incident, I am not taking chances. He found the small metal/mesh colander in the drawer in the kitchen and had a wonderful 15+ min. playing with that. Then I gave him the wooden rolling pin and that kept him entertained for another 5 or so minutes. So, Max wandered and explored the house and I made sure that everything poisonous was out from under the sink, all of the metal hooks were off the entertainment center, etc. We read book. We walked several times around the house, away from my fake Fichus Tree, which is a particular draw of his second behind getting to the dog food and water bowl (which were put up on the counter for the day to avoid choking and/or drowning…after all Shadow didn’t mind since she was outside all day anyway).

I talked on the phone to many people, but not too much. While Max napped, I got the house straitened, the dishwasher empted, sent a few emails, and stuff like that. But, mostly, Max and I just “were” today.

It was very nice. And, I am now very tired.

R2C2CD1

Today is R2C2CD1 (Round 2, Cycle 2, Cycle Day 1). Yep, last cycle was negative. I was spotting yesterday and got my period today. Just talked to the nurse who confirmed a negative blood HCG. This puts cd3 on Mothers Day. The office is closed. My RE (I got the impression both RE's) aren't/weren't planning on being in on Monday. And, I have 5.5 hours of work meetings on Monday scheduled. There are trying to work it out and will call be back. I will likely be in work meetings and miss that call. And, to add to the mix, when I got home from giving my blood to confirm the negative, stopping by the vets to get a refill on a prescription for Shadow, and getting groceries, my home phone line is dead with no dial town and the earliest a technition can get here is sometime between 1 - 5 on Monday.

Emotionally, logistically, and finacially the ttc process just really sucks. I don't know how else to say it.

B #1 – Bath

I really think that taking a bath might be Max’s favorite time of day/thing to do. He gets so excited when we go into the bathroom and he hears the water running. He laughs when I take of his diaper. He goes ballistic (in a thrilled happy way) when I take the hand held water head and spray his head, face, shoulders, back, etc. He just lights up. He started "really" crawling the first time when I put him down in the hallway outside the bathroom and started filling the tub. He had made it to the bathroom before I could turn around with this big grin on his face. LOL. I was just trying to give him a bit of incentive. LOL.

He also really likes to swing on the swings on the park and will laugh and get this big ole’ smile on his face while swinging. However, I think the “bath event” is the big winner. He gets excited when he knows he is getting a bath. He gets excited and enjoys the actual bath. He even gets excited and enjoys the “after” bath.

What is “after” bath? It is where I wrap him in a towel and he stands at the side of the tub looking in while I dump the baby tub water out and he watches the water go down the drain. This is a very important part of the bath ritual that can’t be skipped at least at this point in time. He is so fascinated by it.

We end the bath ritual by me holding him and looking in the mirror signing look at that baby in the mirror song. You don’t know it? Look at that baby in the mirror, the mirror. Look at that baby I see. Look at that baby in the mirror, the mirror. Yes, the one looking back at me cute as can be. Okay, so it is another dumb made up song, but it amuses my kid so who cares if I am a dork.

The only part of this whole bath thing that Max dislikes is getting dressed again afterwards. If he was dressed and you change him, he doesn’t have a problem. But, after a bath, even when he was an infant, he has hated to get dressed afterwards.

The only problem I have with bath time is how wild and dangerous it is. Max seems to think the Infant Tub is a jungle gym. He wants to stand, crawl, twist, turn, and generally put himself into one risky dangerous situation after another. If he doesn’t crack his head open or break a limb from falling, by the time his is a year old. I will be amazed. As it is, I have such a tight grip on him his skin is red from the pressure of my hold. Luckily, I haven’t bruised him yet, but it is probably just a matter of time. Every night, I think…I really need to research a better option for bath time. I think I have heard something about an inflatable tub you put inside the big tub, but haven’t had time to check it out.

One day, he was leaning forward and his face went under water. He quickly sat up and thought about it. Purposely put his face back in the water. Sat up again. Put his face in the water. And, sat up again. I think he did it 3 or 4 times. I could almost see him thinking about cause and effect. He hasn’t purposely put his face in the water again like that, but he has slipped under a time or two and doesn’t seem perturbed or upset when I pull him back up. I repeatedly, but him back on his bottom telling him we need to sit in the tub. He quickly moves on into another dangerous position. Forget leaving the room, I need to keep my eyes and hands on him the entire time.

So, his favorite time of day is probably my most stressful. Yet, I do it night, after night, after night. After all, it is part of the night time routine. And, he is such a messy eater I really want to make sure we get the food out of his hair, from behind his ear, and out from his nostrils. Good thing he likes the direct shower type spray. LOL. When he starts getting too wild, it is time to get out and move on to the next B. I really do need to find a safer alternative.


Max at about 3 weeks old. I think this was his first bath.

It was a week or two later when I thought I had scared him for life and only gave him baths in the big tub with me.


Max taking a quick bath on Easter. Anytime that involves being naked and water is fine with him.

The next few were taken a few weeks ago before he got so wild I could actually hold a camera (or phone) without worry that he would drown or injure himself. Since then, I keep both hands free at all times.


A water bottle. A toy good for just about any occassion.


I wonder what is over the edge?


Hmmm. I bet I can reach that and pull myself up.

A quick update on me: Started spotting today. Decided to self medicate and take 4 suppositories today instead of 3. I thought about email my RE to tell him this, but I know from past experience that he would be fine with this as you can never have too much progesterone (after ovulation) only too little. I think likely this means the cycle really is a bust, but have decided not to even try to predict the outcome either way since I spotted and cramped on and off my entire first trimester with Max. I could list 3-5 reasons I thought the cycle will be negative. I could list 3 – 5 reasons why maybe it will be positive. The truth of the matter is that time and time again, I have been proven completely wrong by objective fact based data during the ttc process so I am just going to acknowledge the fact that it could go either way at this point and that 24 hours from now I should know for sure either way. No, no HPT’s for me. I have had negative HPT’s too often even when my beta was high enough it should have registered. And, with Max, I was so sure the cycle was a bust, it didn’t even occur to me. I feel most confident just waiting for the beta. Tomorrow will tell the tale.

Light Bulb Anyone?

Instead of taking a nap this afternoon, Max babbled and talked and kicked his crib. He was quite content playing away. Finally, it got quiet. Naomi went to check on him. Was he asleep? No! He had pulled the lamp into his crib, had the shade off; the bulb completely unscrewed and was sucking on the round glass top of the light bulb. Yikes! The lamp should not have been in his reach. Needless to say, it has been moved to avoid a repeat incident. This made me remember a comment on his donors profile that said he could pretty much take anything apart and put it back together again. Max sure had the taking apart down today. LOL. Also, when my mom was here he was playing with this Hippo push toy I got for him a few weeks ago. He was standing and holding onto it. He let go, got this big smile, held for about 3 seconds, then sat down. In just the last week, he is crawling everywhere and can get to where he wants even if it is a room or two away. Oh my! I think it may not be too much longer before he is off and running on his feet. He is really quite an explorer. He spent 15 min. checking out the lawn mower toy my neighbor brought over for him. He noticed it was new right away; couldn't take his eyes off of it; started towards it first thing he was set down; had a small fit when Naomi took it to clean it before letting him play with it; and smiled and laughed when she brought it back. He has a busy few days growing, exploring, visiting. My gosh, this kid just amazes me. Needless to say, he is fast asleep after sucking down a full 8 oz. The sweet, beautiful, inquisitive child of mine does look like a peaceful little angel sleeping.

B #2 – Brush

No. Max doesn’t have any teeth yet. Yes. Naomi and I have been thinking he has been getting them since he was 3 months old and he is now almost 9 months (where has the time gone?) and still no teeth. Not a one. This does not stop be from getting him used to the idea that brushing his teeth is part of the bed time routine. Okay, the truth of the matter is that I need something to distract the guy in hopes that he will stay still long enough to get his diaper on him after his bath and having him hold and chew on a tooth brush or two does the trick most of the time. I got a “dr” set as a baby gift from a friend that included in all kinds of neat things like a thermometer, a nose suction, medicine syringe, brush, comb, AND three different type of tooth brushes. One actually has bristle. Another is flat with little nubs. The third is round with bigger nubs. I think it actually feels good to him and his gums. And, it is never too early to start the training. I have actually started singing the “Brush, Brush, Brush, get all the ickies out” song to him. The song I made up for my nieces when they were wee lads, because even then I had to make up words and tunes since I could remember any official ones. Of course, I have been singing it in the morning when I am brushing my teeth [side note: no gagging this morning] instead of when he is brushing his teeth. I will have to remember to do that. Max looks at me with interest and fascination as I brush singing with the toothpaste and brush in my mouth foaming and dripping toothpaste. He is probably trying to figure out what his crazy mom is talking about now.


Brush, Brush Brush


Get all the ickies off


Yes, Max will


Look, I can brush AND crawl


Okay, forget the brushing. Time to move on.


Update on me: Started taking more progesterone. It is making me very, very tired. All I can think about is how much I want to take a nap. So many things I could and should be doing. I just have no energy and interest in doing them at the moment. I am sure that getting home/staying up late (my fault) and getting up early (all Max’s idea) isn’t helping.

Cycle = Bust …OR NOT - EDITED

Well, this cycle is out. No need to even wait until the beta. I didn’t ovulate. It just sucks! I can’t believe how sad and miserable I feel at this moment, which surprises me since I was pretty sure I hadn’t ovulated and I knew it would be too good to be true for me to be pregnant first time out in round two. This hurts just as badly as it did pre-Max. I guess the only difference is that I have his cute smile and wonderful disposition as a distraction and the hope that it did work once so there is a chance it can work again. I wish I could go crawl in bed and have a good cry, but not only do I have work to do…my house is not my own anymore during the day. Have I said how much this sucks? Just waiting to here back from my RE on a few things and for him to confirm since he told me anything above 4 indicated ovulation and the nurse said anything above 15. My progesterone was 9.4. It has to be a different unit of measure. Anyway, not surprised, but am sad. Very, very sad.

Edited:
I love my RE. I really do. Got a very quick response from him saying that nurse was wrong and I was right. I had ovulated. Anything above 4 indicates ovulation. He wanted me to add in another progesterone suppository during the day. Whew. He made my day. Yes, many would consider 9.4 low and it is when 10 is needed to maintain a pregnancy. But, I never got above 15 when pregnant with Max at 10w gestation with supplementation. And, the only other time we did a 7dpo check was on my 2nd clomid cycle with no supplementation and it was only 7. I have progesterone envy when I hear people say their progesterone was in the hundreds (and ask if this is okay) since I know that you can never have too much (after ovulation) only too little. Okay, back in the game a little longer. I guess I will decline a glass of wine with dinner tonight after all. I still think I have a cyst on my left ovary, but glad to know it is one of those slacker follicles instead of the lead dominate one. Good thing I didn’t retreat to my bedroom to bawl my eyes out. I would have missed my RE’s quick response back. While I am not jumping for joy, I am happy I am still in the game. I guess Friday is beta day after all. Maybe this really could work first time out of the gate?

I don’t want to jinx anything and it really could mean absolutely nothing or be totally unrelated, but the last two mornings I have started gagging when brushing my teeth. The reason I gag is because I have drainage. However, the only other time this happened was my entire pregnancy with Max.

Damn, this ttc process is such a roller coaster. One minute up, then down in the dumps, then up again. At least, I made it past one more milestone and there is still hope for this cycle.

B #3 – Books

My son still does not have huge love of books. Sometimes I worry that he will be a dumb jock. But, then I assure myself that he is much to intelligent for that. However, I do worry that he will not have the love of books that I do. For the most part, he has little interest in books UNLESS the book does something (flaps, slides open, etc.). I have decided that he finds them too passive and he is not a passive guy. I can tell this even at 8 ½ months. The books he likes best so far/right now are ones by this guy named Charles Reasoner. They are in his sliding surprise book series. We have two that he loves, but I was getting tired reading (yes, already) so I bought 5 more. So far he still likes the original two best. LOL. They are Who’s Peeking? and Whose House Is This?

The other author that he seems to like is Todd Parr. A friend gave me The Family Book, which Max really likes. It has a great message about families and how some have 2 moms or two dads and some families have one parent instead of two, etc. It isn’t a board book and Max has already crinkled the pages and ripped the cover, but it is off to being a favorite and I don’t think I will ever tire of reading him that one. I bought The Mommy Book and The Okay Book, both by Todd Parr and Max is able to sit through them both most of the time. And, I really like the messages in them and will probably invest in more of his stuff.

I have incorporated reading into Max’s evening ritual. It was hard since at the end of the day, he is tired and is attention span is at its worst. I have been dressing him from his bath on the floor of his room and letting him “brush” his teeth (but, that is a topic for another day). The dressing is becoming more of a battle because he wants to climb, roll, sit, explore, crawl, etc. Basically, do anything, but lay there. And, he is tired. Eventually, I have to pin him for a minute to properly adjust the diaper I have put on him as he crawls away causing cries of protest. And, I dress him the rest of the way while he is standing, sitting, crawling away as best as possible.

Once he is dressed, I grab a few books, usually 3, and bring him closer to me to read them to him. If he struggles and wants to get away, I have been letting him, but continue to read and then show him each page until we have read them all. If one of the books seems to have really captured his interest, I will read that one again for him.

As mentioned above, he is most interested in the Reasoner sliding surprise books; Todd Parr’s books, this small board book about shapes (like 5 pages), and this English/Spanish board book I got about cars, airplanes, and other modes of transportation (like 6 pages).

I always have a book in the car with him and books in all the places he plays. He will pick them up, look at them, chew on them, before moving on.

Oddly enough, the time he seems most interested in books is when he is eating. I guess he figures he is trapped anyway. Naomi and I both noticed that he seemed “bored” while eating. This translated into fussing, spitting food out, and general behavior that we would not want to encourage. If you place a book open on the table and talk to him about it while feeding him, he seems content and interested. What a funny kid I have.

Anyway, he is getting there on the book thing. I read to him a few times a day for short periods. I think Naomi reads to him on occasion as well. But, for the moment … action books… short books …simple books…these hold his attention best.

Quick update on me since Max is still sleeping. I had blood drawn on Friday for a progesterone test. I should get the results on Monday. I asked my RE why he asked for the test and he said to make sure that the follicle that develop really contained an egg. If the progesterone is under 4 it means the follicle was not an egg producing one and is probably a cyst (fluid filled one) instead. I will not be surprised at all if this is the case as I have been having continued discomfort on my left side, especially if I have a full bladder or need to have a BM. Yes, I could be wrong. In fact, I am probably wrong since I am notoriously bad at reading any “signs” during the ttc process. The only time I was ever completely right was when I thought I was miscarrying and I did. But, I don’t think you can even count that because there were several times that I was sure I was miscarrying Max and yet, here he is. I certainly did not think I was pregnant with him when I was.

So, I am busy doing things and keeping busy. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. On Monday, I should know whether I at least ovulated. Next Friday, I should know if I am pregnant. Since I don’t think it was an egg producing follicle, I certainly don’t think I am pregnant. However, I have refrained from drinking alcohol even though there were several times this last week where I really felt like it. I really don’t think drinking this early would make a difference either way, but I don’t want to have any doubts or regrets so I have passed.

So far, I still say going through the ttc process is much easier the second time with a growing healthy and happy child to talk to and play with and cuddle and teach. It is one part of my life and on my mind an awful lot, but it is in the back ground. It isn’t the main event like it was on round one.

Hmm. Kid still sleeping. Going on 3 hours now. I think he is having a growth spurt. Yesterday, he ate and ate and ate and drank and drank and drank. And, it was a busy day with his only other male cousin in town from Atlanta. He had no afternoon nap.

Okay, kid is up and phone rang. Must go. Have a poopy diaper to change and a kid to feed lunch.

B #4 – Bottle

Now that Max is completely weaned, I can better keep track of his “intake”. He typically drinks between 24 – 32 oz. of formula a day. He is eating 3 “meals” a day that each contain a meat, a veggie, and a fruit. He gets water with his meals and formula if he wakes up during the night, first thing in the morning, before each nap, and before bed.

A friend who has a baby girl about 11 weeks younger than Max had to wean earlier than she would have liked due to acid reflux. She was commenting that on of the things she missed was having a hand free to caress and stroke her daughter. And, I have observed that her daughter regularly holds her own bottle. Her comment got me thinking. It is so amazing how different each child is and we laugh about how completely different our two children are and wonder if they will get along when they grow up. I almost never caressed and stroked Max. I started paying more attention after our conversation which was while I was still breastfeeding. First of all, he finds it very distracting and will stop eating/drinking if you caress him. Second of all, usually, I need one hand to hold him (he is a squirmy little guy) and one to either hold the boob so it didn’t suffocate him and/or hold the bottle. He CAN hold the bottle, but 98% of the time, he chooses not to. He would rather grab my hair, grab his hair, grab my nose, touch my mouth, put his fingers in my mouth (if I happen to be talking or singing even better and a little nip with my teeth brings a quick smile), touch my hair, grab my hair, touch my hair, etc. It is no coincidence that both Naomi and I wear our hair back and no jewelry when around him.

Part of his go to bed routine is to close his blinds, turn on the white noise ocean sounds (from a clock radio), grab his blanket, and rock him while he drinks his bottle. When he is done drinking, I will let him squirm a little bit in my arms to get any gas out, then I put him in his crib and cover him with his blanket. Most of the time, he smiles as I walk out the door saying night, night, momma loves you.

The times that he doesn’t smile and quietly fall asleep is when the routine is screwed with…like TODAY for example. He only slept one hour this morning and woke up at 11 am. Naomi didn’t bring him back from the park and put him down for his afternoon nap until 3 pm. This is too long. Instead of a smile, we had 40 minutes of fussing and screaming before he fell asleep. While this was going on, Naomi said, maybe he isn’t tired. I nicely said (really, it was nice), no, he is over tired and that it would have been better to put him down around 2 pm instead of 3. Once he was asleep, she apologized and explained that he was so happy playing at the park that she didn’t think he was tired, but that she would make sure she came back earlier in the future. It is very stressful for us both when he gets that worked up. Thank goodness it doesn’t happen very often. I am sure it is a double stress for her because I am here and if I am not in a meeting, which I wasn’t today, I totally interfere. I can’t help it. I am sure that I give them both mixed signals because I can only let him cry for 5 – 10 min.. I’m not talking whinny crying, but full out rage cry. I don’t want her to go get him, but “I” want to selectively get and sooth him. I am sure that if I was 100% committed to CIO it would be different, but Max has never, ever fallen asleep in a full all out rage cry. Of course, the longest I was able to let him cry that hard was about 20 – 30 minutes.

Anyway, I am still trying to relax from the scream fit.

Back to bottle.

Max will take lesser amounts of bottle during the day, but will usually drink at least 6 – 8 oz before going down for the night. If he drinks less, he will most likely wake up during the night.

It’s funny. I don’t know if he does this with Naomi, but with me he likes to switch sides. I think he got used to doing that with the breast feeding. He will drink about 4 – 6 oz. when I am holding him on, let’s say, the right side. Then he will stop, want to be switched to the left side, and then finish up. Very funny. At least, I think so.

Still a bit rattled from the tantrum. Like I said, good thing it doesn’t happen often.

Tomorrow will be a hard day. I have a face to face work meeting from 8 – 5 at a location about 50 miles from home. I need to allow 2 hours to get there and 2.5 hours to get home, which means I will be up at 5 am and need to leave be 6 am and likely will not be home before 7 – 7:30. Naomi has agreed to come early and stay late. Not only will it be a long day, Max will still be sleeping when I leave and will be asleep again for the night before I get home. I really hate that. I miss him already and it hasn’t even happened yet. It reminds me of how fortunate I am to work from home and not have a regular commute and that my travel and face to face very often.

B #5 – Bed - Edited

Edited to add pictures and footnotes.

I’m just killing time until I need to leave for my IUI apt.*** I am so excited, I want to leave now. Can’t concentrate on work. Yesterday, I was SURE I was ovulating early, but the nice thing about having gone through this before is that I realize I have felt this way and it has never happened. If I called my RE, he would have let me come in for a check and done and IUI, but why waste the sperm. I’m not getting my hopes up too high, but …

Anyway, I have been thinking about the5 B’s. Bath, Brush, Books, Bottle, and Bed. We have gotten in such a good routine of late. And, I realized that I haven’t talked about my little guy much lately. The truth is, as anyone who has read my blog must know, is that writing this is my therapy. I tend to be “around” more and writing when there is something bothering me that I need to work out or figure out or vent. And, things with Max are just going so well. He is great.

On bed, we have a good schedule/routine going these days. Most days, he is ready for bed around 7:30 pm and sleeps until about 4 – 6 am. If he is up around 4 and not because he is having/needs to have a BM, then he will usually drink 4 – 6 oz and doze back off with me in bed. However, sometimes, he sleeps straight through, like last night, until after 6. These times are so rare, that it is all I can do not to go in and check on him, because he often is such a light sleeper that just opening the door wakes him up.


My sleeping beauty!*


My little guy waking up.**

He has been taking two solid naps most days. We put him down based on when he got up. For example, Thursday morning he was up at 5 am working on a poo poo. He was put down for his morning nap at 9 am (which is really the earliest he could be put down between walking and eating breakfast). Today, he slept until 6:15 and we put him down at 9:45. No fuss, no muss, no crying.

On average, he naps 3 hours during the day. Sometimes 30 + min. less/sometimes 30+ min. more. If he takes a REALLY long morning nap, which doesn’t happen very often, but has happened, he will likely not go down for an afternoon nap and we adjust the evening bedtime to around 6 pm. Mostly, he has been sleeping about 90 – 120 min. in the morning and about 60 – 90 min. in the afternoon.

When I put him in his crib and tell him “night night, momma loves you” he gives me a smile and pulls up his blanky. I call out which ever animal has dared to come in, and close the door.

No fuss, no muss. Sometimes, he goes directly off to sleep. Sometimes, I hear him moving around and babbling in the crib. Occasionally, he will cry a bit, but usually this only happens when he is over tired and doesn’t last more than a few minutes.

Sometimes, like last night, he will wake up in the night crying. Last night, it was because he had gas and was trying to move around and ran out of real estate. He was up on all 4’s banging his head against the side of the crib still half asleep. I’ll go pick him up and help him get the gas out. Often, I will see if he wants a drink (of formula). Last night was really the first time he didn’t. He drank 1 oz. and fell back asleep in my arms. I put him back in the crib and he fussed for about 3 minutes before going back to sleep.

If he does wake up, there is usually a reason and that reason is usually gastrointestinal - gassy or needing to do a bowel movement. He is only pee’ing through very rarely these days. I found a size 3 diaper that works 98% of the time for him at night. On the rare occasions that he is wet when I get him, this does not seem to be the reason for the awaking.

For as bad of a sleeper he was in the beginning, he is settling down into a nice little sleeper. He does sleep light so I can’t leave the door open because the phone will wake him. Or, if he knows someone is visiting, he will have a hard time settling and sleeping.

I have a friend that told me that you should not cater to your child’s routine, you should have them work around yours. I have pondered this and decided that I don’t agree. There are times when the routine gets messed up for some reason, but these usually cause Max to get over tired. Luckily, at least so far, his behavior doesn’t suffer, especially if others are around. If it is just the two of us, he may get a bit whiny. BUT, the next night, I pay, because he doesn’t sleep through and wakes up 3 ,4 ,5 times and usually ends up in bed with me causing me less sleep. I have decided that having a child fit into your routine is a nice theory, but for Max and I, it is best not to mess with it if we can avoid it.

Okay, time to go. Next update: B #4 Books.

* This is Max asleep last night. He started out in the middle of the bed on his back facing the other direction. And his “bunny” was in the right upper corner of the crib. It is so cute that he got it and moved it with him complete to the other side.

** This is Max waking up this morning. He was laying sideways in the crib with his legs up the side (in kind of a sit position). I went to grab the camera really quick, but he was quicker and had rolled over and was pushing him self up when I got back.

*** The deed is done and the swimmers are thawed and inseminated. I think this time right now, for the next 24 hours is my favorite part of the whole process. It is the time for hope and possibilities. If it is going to happen, it starts now. It will happen over the next day. I hate that you have to take 2 weeks to find out. I was a bit disappointed that my other follicles shrank. I wasn’t too surprised given my history, but twins are definitely out for this go round. There was just the one follicle that had grown to 21. I have been quite crampy with a lot of pressure in the ovary area so I was hoping for more. I mentioned something to my RE about this being my first unmedicated RE and how it would be nice if it worked, but not likely. He countered saying that stranger things have happen, especially with me and my history. I have to agree with that. So, nothing else to do, but wait and see. And so another 2 ww begins.

Easter Pictures

I picked up Max's "formal" 8 month/Easter pictures from Sears today. They turned out great. My kid is so darn handsome and he has such a good disposition, I can hardly stand it most of the time. He truly is the BEST thing to ever come into my life.

Here he is. My cute, cute boy. Yes, I took LOTS more, but here are my three favorites.


Max says who needs the candy and toys, the basket is JUST fine.


Max and Momma


Max in his Easter PJ's

I actually did not buy Max this Easter outfit or these PJ's. They are just some of the most wonderful clothes passed on to me by generous friends. I did buy him one cute summer baseball type outfit and have a Sears picture of him in it. I'll have to see if I can get them scanned.

Now, I KNOW I am his momma and a bit biased, but....isn't this guy a handsome one?

Mums the word…

Mums the word, but….

I’M CYCLING THIS MONTH!

I wasn’t planning to, but I went in on Friday to see my RE for a fluid u/s and before I could ask, he suggested looking at my ovaries to see what was going on. I had 2 nice follicles on my left, with a third smaller one. I think they were 12, 11, and 8. Nothing on my right, but that is fairly typical. Just got back from another u/s and they were 17, 13, and ?. I am triggering very late Wed. night/early Thurs. morning and doing an IUI on Friday afternoon at 1 pm.

I’m still on the high I get, most of the time, from going to my RE’s office.

It will be my first unmedicated IUI. My RE said why waste the free FSH that comes from weaning. Although I was thinking about it, I am glad he brought it up first. He feels like given my history, it has a good shot of working when I asked him if he thought it was worth wasting a vial of sperm.

So, here I am on the ttc roller coaster much earlier than planned. If it doesn’t work, we will do cd3 testing and go right into a medicated IUI. If that doesn’t work, I will go into the July IVF cycle. If that doesn’t work, I will only have three vials left and will take a break to re-evaluate.

I am excited and nervous and wanting it to work so badly and telling myself not to get my hopes up. If it works, my due date would be January 18, 2007*. I am an Aquarian and always wanted an Aquarian baby. In fact, it was all part of the “master” plan in my first ttc go round. The plan where my first choice would be to have a Jan./Feb baby and my last choice would have been to have a Jul/Aug baby. If this works, it really would be too good to be true. I know this, but I can’t help but hope.

Mum’s the word, because I have told very, very few people that I am doing this. If it works, I can surprise them. If not, then no harm no foul. I know that the will not necessarily a good one for many of my friends who have either been on an extended break or have continued to try unsuccessfully for their first. I still remember the pain of hearing of others get pregnant when I was still struggling. On the other hand, it would be so nice if this round could not have the pain and heart ache and ups/downs of the first round. It would be so nice if this works. Granted, it is unlikely, even if it does work, that I would get my twins. But, maybe I could go back for a third afterwards. Ah, I would like to have that problem.

If I do get pregnant, I will feel so blessed. If I get pregnant with twins on this cycle, I will laugh and laugh and laugh and know that it was meant to be. One of the few friends I told about this said, wow, you could be pregnant in 3 weeks. We both paused and said, wouldn’t that be great!

Hoping and praying over here. But, mum’s the word.


* I do not know why I do this to myself. Calculating the EDD. Each time I cycle, I swear that I will not do it because it just makes it all the harder if/when it doesn’t work.

Where’s Waldo?

I guess it has been awhile since I have been around and posted an update. Nothing much going on. Just haven’t felt like being on the computer. After Max is down for the night I have been catching up on things/people and escaping in fiction. I started a post about Max and how fast he is growing and changing and the clever new things he is doing these days, but I haven’t had a chance to finish it. Easter weekend was very nice. My sister and I decided to start a new tradition and celebrate on Saturday afternoon/evening. It worked out so well. Max and I both napped Easter morning, then I found a church service in the early afternoon. I’m glad I made that effort. Haven’t much felt like talking. Been in my own little world. Getting things done like taxes and bills and getting a new car seat, etc. Can you believe that Max has almost grown out of his infant seat? He is just 1 lbs shy of the weight limit and I think he has passed the length limit. I still miss my Lucky an awful lot. The other day, I forgot. Hard to believe. I don’t f eel like going into all the details because just thinking about it gets me upset all over. Shadow has really, really slowed down also. She wants to go out, but has no speed or endurance. This means that I am not getting the exercise and endorphin rush I am used to which isn’t helping. I just can’t leave her behind though. She is so excited (barking, tail waggin’ raring) at the start. Plus, I guess I am officially back on the ttc roller coaster. I did the PIO shot to force a period a few weeks ago and had a period this week. I go in for a fluid u/s tomorrow to make sure I’m polyp and fibroid free. The plan is to go with a medicated IUI and do cd3 testing on my first real cycle about a month from now. We will be doing the stim protocol that got me pregnant with Max…5 amps Gonal F for 2 days, dropping to 3 amps Gonal F and alternating in 1 amp of Repronex every other day. No Lupron. Not really looking forward to being back in the game. I want another kid (or two), but the ttc road is just so hard and emotional. I’m just hoping that it is a short run. I would not say I am depressed, but would say that I have been very moody lately. One minute laughing and having a great time, the next teary eyed and sad. The one thing I do know is that having Max is the best thing that ever happened to me. He is such a joy to be around. Sometimes, I look at him and wonder how I got so lucky. Those are the “highs”. Then, something happens, like eating pistachio’s, and I miss Lucky so much it hurts because I would give her the closed ones and she would crack them and shell them and eat the nut. Those are the “lows”. Then, Max will look at me and light up with a smile. And, on goes life.

“Time Waster”

Before I had Max, I was a very productive individual. Since having Max, I have become the biggest time waster. For example, right now. Max is asleep. I could shower. I could clean the kitchen/wash the dishes. I could sweep the floor picking up all of the dirt and mud I got everywhere from my hiking boots. I could call many of the friends and family I haven’t talked to all month because I have been in a funk. I could pay bills or at least look to see what bills need to be paid. Yet, here I sit. Playing on the computer. I am actually reading a book, but it is so bad I don’t think I can even be bothered to finish it. Sigh.

When I lost Lucky a few weeks ago, I read that it is better for the remaining pet if you keep to the schedule/routine you had before the loss. I decided the other day, that this isn’t helping me or Shadow, especially in the morning while hiking/nature walking. We have done the trails too many times with Lucky. Over the last year or so, we got into such a routine that we went the same direction and “rested” in the same spots. It was just breaking my heart every morning to do this without Lucky. Even harder has been the fact that Shadow has only been able to/wanted to do a ¼ - 1/3 of the trails that she was just doing a few weeks ago with Lucky. I don’t know if it is because it is less fun and exciting without Lucky or if she is just feeling her aches and pains more or it was too hard for her to be in the same place and smell Lucky’s pee mail scent or what. I haven’t pressured her.**** I have let her rest when she wanted. We turned around when she wanted. I was not comparing them or expecting Shadow to take Lucky’s place because they always did have such different personalities. But, it was breaking my heart.

I decided that we needed to break the routine a bit. So, yesterday, we went to a trail head we have gone on before, but instead of going left up to the water tower which we would have done with Lucky. We went right instead. Today, I decided to take Max and Shadow to the lizard park. My cousin had taken them both once or twice, but I think I only took them once. Instead, I turned to early, but decided to go down the road a bit to see what was there. Instead, we found a NEW place. A place with no Lucky memories. It has several very nice trails and a park with swings, and slides, and a little piano key pad built into the play structure. We had a nice walk with Shadow, then went into the play area and Max went on the swings, played with the piano, and I played him a few songs.* We all had a great time. I don’t know about Shadow, but Lucky was still “with” me. In fact, I started crying when I talked to a family that came as we were leaving about two of the trails that were posted as “No Entry”, but looked to be the most used/popular trails. Dog/animal people are great. I just explained my recent loss and how I was looking for new trails and new places through the tears. They understood. And, told me that they didn’t know anyone who didn’t go on the trails marked as no trespassing. Just as I thought, but it was nice to have it confirmed. We found a new place that can just be ours.

Max had a really bad nap day yesterday because I was a bad mom and hauled him to one of the local SMC get togethers. We both had a great time, but he only slept in the car, waking up as soon as we arrived both ways. So, instead of about a 3 hour (average) daily naps (split between am and pm), he got almost half of that. He got a bit whinny by the end of the day, but had a great night sleep (12 hours instead of his average of 10) if you don’t count waking up about 45 min. after I put him down crying and screaming for about 10 min. or waking up at 2:15 for about 10 min. due to gas.

Dear Friend that I Know Reads My Blog, But Shall Remain Nameless (you will KNOW if this is you :), I was thinking of you at 2:25 when I went to Max when he woke up. I could hear your voice telling me he didn’t need it. But, I warmed up and gave him a bottle anyway. I just couldn’t not, because I was already awake and I knew if I went in we would both get back to bed faster. Yes, he really just needed a bit of comfort and to be moved around a bit so he could get his gas out. A few ounces of bottle; a few big burps and farts; and he was back fast asleep. Probably, he would have eventually moved himself around enough to get the gas out and fallen back asleep. However, in the mean time, I would have been just laying there listening to him and getting more awake. So, I did it and only felt a little guilty for my pampering.

Really, since I have weaning Max, he is sleeping through much more. He was regularly waking up around 1 – 1:30 am for a snack and cuddle while I was still BF. He has slept through to somewhere between 4:30 and 6:15 ish almost every day since. Proof in point, that he doesn’t really NEED to be fed. On the other hand, the kid is still on the skinny side so any chance I have to feed him/fatten him up a bit, I take. Yes, we got a good report at the dr.’s last week, but he moved up from less that 5% for weight to about 20% for weight for his age. He still is a long skinny guy.

Speaking of bf, I was going to take that progesterone shot this weekend. But, I started leaking a lot yesterday afternoon and this morning. I could have sworn my milk dried up last Thursday. It has almost been a full week since I last BF Max. I was really surprised and yes, sad to see the milk still there. After I put Max down last night, I ordered in dinner (salad for yesterday dinner and today’s lunch), opened a bottle of wine, started reading a book (the bad one I don’t think I have the energy or desire to finish), and took a bath. While in the bath, I noticed I was easily able to get milk out of both nipples by just squeezing them a bit. I tried not to be too sad about that which used to be.

Loosing Lucky and stopping breastfeeding has been really hard on me emotionally. I am in a definite funk around here. Both have left a big hole. I wouldn’t say I am depressed, per se, but I am sad. I am very easy to tears. I am enjoying life and doing things. I’m going places and seeing people. But, behind it all, I just don’t have the inner joy and zest for life that I usually do. I’m (mostly) “present” with Max. Singing him songs, reading him books, telling him things, showing him things (we saw fire ants for the first time this morning). I just feel a bit more tired and down. I’m laughing and smiling when I feel like it. And, I am crying when I feel like that too.

I seriously thought last night, when in the bath, about starting to bf Max again, when I realized that my milk was still there. I decided that as hard as it is, I need to be going forward, not back. I am also finding myself wanting to be pregnant again. NOW. Right away. This is dangerous. The ttc path is too unpredictable. It may not happen, at all. It may not happen, right away. I keep cautioning myself to set more realistic expectations or better yet, no expectations as all. I am having a hard time with that.

I am anxious to get my period and get my medicated IUI out of the way. I think I have a realistic expectation around that and, in fact, found myself planning for it NOT working and doing the June IVF cycle.** What I need to watch out for is the expectation of doing the IVF cycle and having it work. Yes, I hope it will. Better yet, I get pregnant on the IUI before that. I need to watch out and protect my heart and emotions a bit. I need to remind myself that while I have a good shot at the IVF working, it is not a done deal. I tell myself, I need to have another plan, a back up plan, for if it doesn’t. I can’t get my arms around that. I can’t seem to do any planning past that. If the IVF fails, I will need to do some serious sole searching and I will likely take a sizable break for ttc to regroup.

I find myself thinking and getting excited about the idea of getting pregnant with twins. The logical rational part of me reminds me that I may not get pregnant again at all, but my heart doesn’t really believe that, which is why it will be so hard if the IVF doesn’t work. The logical rational part of me reminds me of how insane and hard having twins are as a single mom, let alone a single mom with such a young child already. I will have to make some major changes. I will have to move and get a bigger house; get a live in nanny; etc. I know it isn’t rational. I’m just saying that IF I were to get pregnant and IF it was twins, I would be okay with it. While in the past, my preference would have been 1) singleton 2) twins 3) not pregnant at all. My new preference in my heart of hearts is 1) twins, 2) singleton; 3) not pregnant at all. I’ve thought about it enough, I even told me RE this last week when I was in moving sperm and showing off Max.

This whole twin idea has really taken hold since I lost Lucky. It is not as if I feel like I can replace her with another child or another dog for that matter. It is just that my family, the family of my dreams, just seemed so much smaller..too small, now that she isn’t in my life anymore. Two children just don’t seem like enough now. I’ve been pondering this and wondering how health/unhealthy this attitude/feeling is. The thing is that I always wanted a large family with lots of children. I always saw myself as the Kool Aid mom. The house where all the kids came to play because it was fun and there were good snacks and toys (and I could keep a watchful eye on the shenanigans to make sure I approved). I just limited myself to two, in my thinking and planning prior to now, because of age and marital status in the past, not because of desire. Now, I am just questioning my own pre-established limits. Yes, I KNOW it will not be easy. I KNOW it will be very, very hard, especially the first few years. I’m okay with hard. I am okay with busy. I have never felt my life had to be easy or lived my life on easy street. More often than not I have taken the harder, more challenging path.

The whole twins, having 3 children instead of 2 thing has had me thinking a lot about “fate”. I have had my palm read several times and in typical Aquarian fashion picked up a book on palm reading and studied it a bit.*** Each time I have had my palm read, I was told I would have 3 children. When I had the miscarriage, I always wondered if that child “counted” in the three or not, since my “plan” was to only have two. I don’t know if I really believe in fate. I do know that I believe in it less than ever after having gone trough the first round of ttc and the m/c. It was so hurtful when people told me that it “wasn’t meant to be”; that I would get the child I was meant to get when the time was right. Yet, I have been thinking a lot about fate and God lately. The more skeptical side poo poohing fate. The more analytical side wondering. It felt like fate or divine intervention this morning when I took a wrong turn and found the new park/hiking trails this morning. It felt like God was saying, I know you heart is hurting and you and Shadow need this place to heal and Max needs this place to play and grow.

I am telling myself, maybe there is something to this fate thing, even though I don’t really want to believe it. If I had not gone down the ttc path that I did to conceive Max, I would not have the friends and support system that I have today. And, it is the BEST! I would never have imagined it a few years ago. I would not be the person I am today.

If I had not lost Lucky, I would NEVER have been at peace with having twins. It was always my worst fear in going through the process (behind not having a child at all).

I am telling myself that if I am able to conceive again and if it is a singleton, the child I lost via m/c “counted and I am done. I am telling myself that if I am able to conceive again and if it is twins, it is fate. It is the way it was meant to be and I needed to take the path I took to get to where it was okay. I have not yet and am not sure I ever will come to terms with the possibility that I will not be able to conceive more children. And, yet, one of the reasons I have found it so hard to stop breastfeeding is because I don’t ever see it “working” or working so well again. I always, always wanted to breastfeed and would have been really upset if I had not been able to do so with Max. I would LOVE to be able to do it again. It was just so special and worked so well with Max. I just can’t imagine it ever going so well again. I guess if I have twins, it will be harder/more challenging and may not be possible. If I am not able to conceive and move to adoption, I will not have that special time/relationship again.

Anyway, I am trying to tell myself that things will be what they will be. I may or may not conceive another child. I may or may not have twins. I am telling myself that while I often like to live in the future and “plan”, now is the time to live in the present. I need to not predict what will or will not happen. I need to live in the now. I need to cry when I feel like crying. I need to laugh when I feel like laughing. I need to reach out to my friends when I feel like I can give or need support. I need to love the animals I have in my life right now for who they are “now”. I need to love my son with all my heart and teach him and guide him and raise him to be the person he was meant to be. I need to cherish what “has been”, both the good and the bad; the happy and the sad. For it has all been part of what has made me, me. It has made me a person who I like and who I respect.

I guess, in thinking about it, maybe I haven’t been wasting time. I’ve been thinking, pondering, brooding, grieving, planning, analyzing. I have been searching within. Trying to find what is in my heart and that which I can life with and that which I can’t live without. I have been figuring out what makes me, me. It just looks and feels like nothing is getting accomplished. Yet it is hard, tiring work.


* This piano was really great. It had little metal “notes” with the letters of each note. Above them, were 4 different songs with the notes written in scale with the corresponding “letter” for each note. I played him two of them (Twinkle, Twinkle and London Bridge). He and I both loved it.
** At the SMC meeting yesterday, I was talking to the coordinator and offered to host in the summer saying that June would be better than July because I would likely be in the middle of the cycle.
*** You should see my library. I have an odd assortment of books that include palm reading, dream analysis, dog training, astronomy, etc. in addition to the novels, self help books, and most recently pregnancy and child rearing books.
**** If you don't count the new dog beds I bought for her/made to try to convince her to sleep with me in the office at during the day and in my bedroom at night.

Weekend Pics

Day 1:

Max and Momma - First Beach Trip. The fresh air did him in.






Day 2:

Mr. Max Under the Hat

Rough Morning

It was a rough morning around here. I guess the good news is that while Max and I both had tears, they weren’t both at the same time. So, it wasn’t all bad.

I was just missing Lucky something awful this morning. Just thinking about it and her is making me teary eyed all over again. I am glad she is out of pain, but I want her back. I miss her. Max, Shadow, City Boy are all great and I am glad there are in my life, but they aren’t Lucky. Neither of them hang out with me in my office during the day. I even tried to bribe Shadow with a new dog bed and moved the one she REALLY likes into the office. It didn’t work. Both Shadow and City Boy have decided that it is nice spring weather and want no part of being indoors.

I think so highly of my vet. She is the only vet that Lucky ever saw (before she went to specialists). When my vet moved practices back 7 + years ago, I moved with her. She knew how much I loved Lucky. She made a donation to The Companion Animal Memorial Fund (see www.vetmed.ucdavis.edu/ccah for more information) in memory. I got the letter in the mail last night. I am so touched that she did this.

And, Max finally had the early morning melt down fit I expected a few days ago between 4 am – 6 am this morning. He did NOT want the bottle. He did NOT want the pacifier. He wanted the boob. I held strong. All that pain the other day was a strong motivator for me. No way, now how did I want to go through that again. Plus, I think my milk is completely gone by now. I wasn’t taking any chances by trying to test it out. Don’t want to give false/mixed messages.

Plus, I am really sad that my milk is gone. I mean, I KNOW that is what I wanted and I consciously stopped breastfeeding, but I miss it. Max misses it. I hope it was done for a good cause and I actually am able to have another child or two. Yet, I know there are no guarantees. There is no guarantee that I will be able to have another child. There is no guarantee if I do that breastfeeding will go so well or that I will be able to successfully breastfeed again. I have made my decision and would make it again. But, it has been a very hard one for me. I am sad.

I am still feeling quite a bit out of sorts. I told myself that part of it is possibly a HORMONE shift due to stopping bf and my milk drying up. While intellectually, I know this, emotionally, I am still strung out today.

I think I will go give my little guy a hug and “cave in” tonight.

I know that this too shall pass. I have much to be grateful for. And, I am. Just today, I am feeling sad for what I once had and no longer do.

Blessed

I was thinking last night about how blessed I was. Yes, I was thinking this through the excruciating pain I was in. A friend emailed today recommending cabbage leaves tucked in your bra. Good information. To bad I didn’t have it yesterday. LOL. My RE recommended ice packs so I put those on for an hour before I went to bed and that helped some. Feeling much better today, just sore instead of pain. Last night wasn’t too bad from a Max battle perspective, especially considering that I was still so full and leaking all over everything and he had to smell it while I fed him the bottle of formula. Max woke up about 1 and drank 2 oz from a bottle, crying a pathetic little cry to let me know he wasn’t happy with the situation, but it wasn’t an all out battle. Then, he woke up around 4:30 am and drank another 3 oz. from a bottle again crying while drinking it down. Both times, he went immediately back to sleep.

I guess he was saving himself for this afternoon. Naomi had a doctor appointment this afternoon so I was in charge. Max should have been and was ready to go down for a nap around 2 pm. He did not actually fall asleep until 3:20 pm. He was seriously pissed off that I would not pacify him with the boob. He tried to attach through my bra and shirt. When I moved him, he tried to suckle my arm, my neck, whatever. What he DID NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE WANT was the bottle or the pacifier. I guess it was a good thing that yesterday was so painful and so fresh in my mind because it kept me from caving and giving in. Finally, in frustration (on both are parts), I just left him in his crib to scream bloody murder at the injustice and his displeasure. He fell asleep 10 min. later (or he suffocated himself…I haven’t gone to check cause I don’t want to wake him up).

Anyway, last night, while in considerable pain, I was thinking about how blessed I was for many, many reasons. One of which was the fact that I had a child with whom BF was so successful that it was harder to stop than to start or continue.

Another was what a great local support system I have with SMC’s or people that I met through the SMC group.

Got to go. Mr. Max decided that a 40 min. nap was enough after his 80 min. fit pre-nap. I’m going to go hug my baby and take him for a nice walk now that the weather has cleared up some.

The End (and other quick updates)

Weekend = Great Time = Tired

Max’s Recheck = Impressive Weight Gain = Ear Infection Completely Gone

Breastfeeding = Officially Stopped = Much Pain = Can’t Concentrate Or Do Anything Productive, except eat Easter candy that I should have never pre-purchased

T42 = Swimmers Moved And At Clinic = Progesterone In Hand To Force Period

The Plan = Force Period = Wait Until 1st “Real” Period = Try Medicated IUI (hopefully in May)

The Other Plan = If/When Medicated IUI Doesn’t Work, Move to IVF (hopefully in June cycle)

Have I mentioned how much pain I was in? I have certainly had MUCH MUCH MUCH more pain in stopping breast feeding than in doing it. This really hurts (in case I haven’t mentioned it). Good thing I wasn’t in this much pain last night when Max and I were having our battle of wills over this. Luckily, the battle was fought between 11:15 pm – 1:30 am instead of between 2 am – 6 am. The over riding “rules” were 1) DO NOT CAVE and give him the breast 2) DO NOT, under any circumstance, bring him into bed with you (because it would be too easy to unconsciously feed him while still asleep).

We will see what tonight brings. I hope I am not in as much pain by then.

For the first time since Max was born, I came across a situation where it would have been better or easier if I was doing this with a partner or a “daddy’. This whole weaning thing. I think it would have gone much smoother if someone else was giving him the bottle, pacifier, or soothing him. With me, he could smell the milk as I was leaking all over the place. The boob/milk was right there. He was frustrated because he couldn’t understand WHY I was depriving him when it was RIGHT there. Needless to say, it was hard. Made harder because it was me instead of someone else. Made harder because breastfeeding was enjoyable and went exceedingly well for both of us.

It has been much harder and more painful mentally and physically to stop breastfeeding that it ever was to start or continue – for ME (and for Max).