Our Appointments

Max and I both had doctor’s appointments today. His was his 9 month well baby exam. Mine was my cd11 follicle check. Max’s went better than mine.

Max is 29 ¼ inches long, 18 lbs 8 oz, and his head circumference is 17 7/8. Or, 75% in length (still), 25% in weight (which is an increase), and “average” head, which I took to mean 50th percentile (and I forget what he was before, but think about the same). Dr. H said he was perfect and all is well. He gave me a list of food no-no’s for the next few months, several of which I have already given Max. It has something to do with being more likely to develop an allergy to them later in life if they are introduced earlier and stopping now will help. Okay, no problem. Max had a TB test so he has to go back on Wednesday or Thursday to have it “read”. I could have waited until his 12 month appointment, but new I would have to be going back on Wed. or Thurs. anyway for my cycle so decided to get it done and over with.

My appointment left me feeling sad. I am officially a “poor responder”. The funny thing is that I have known that I haven’t had a great response, but getting the label stung a bit. It is like knowing you are obese and having someone tell you you are. I wrote a success story for my clinics web page. It got posted the other day and I went to take a look. Under diagnosis, it said, “poor responder”. I had wondered if Dr. N had told them that or they got it from what I wrote. I re-read what I wrote and I say right in there that I responded poorly, but seing it in black and white it stung a bit. Then, today, during my u/s I was asking my RE if moving to IVF was really the next best move since I wouldn’t produce enough follicles to make it worth while, Dr. N used the term for the first time…the “poor responder” label. We talked about his poor responder study and he said I likely wouldn’t qualify because I haven’t been on the maximum dose of stims and I had to remind him that I was now over 40. But, I wouldn’t really want to be in the study anyway because I wouldn’t want to be in the control group. He said he would give me the most aggressive protocol for poor responders they have. We both agreed it would help if my right ovary decided to participate. He said it is caused by decreased blood flow that could be a result of my surgery or just old age and that one ovary usually “stops” before the other. Lovely. Like the pressure and baby time clock wasn’t ticking as loudly already.

Anyway, a few more follicles decided to show up. One in the lead at 18, then a 12, 11, 9, 7. He thought we could maybe get 3 out of it if we continued to stim me for a few more days and I don’t get an LH surge. I go back on Wednesday for another u/s. He said 75% chance I would trigger Wednesday night for a Friday IUI. If not, it will be cutting into my weekend travel plans. But, I am not going to stress about that, but I am going to try to line up someone to watch Max on Saturday or Sunday just in case. The hard part is that I have told so few people that I am cycling. And, so many people are out of town. I guess I can see if Naomi wants to earn extra money.

Work is going pretty crumby right now. I need to make some decisions around that, but the timing is just wrong on that. I decided to talk to one of my bosses, but we didn’t connect today. I wish that conversation was done because my stomach gets a huge knot every time I think about it.

I am really missing my acupuncturist. She has been on my mind for the last few months, but I haven’t had a chance to call and no way schedule wise I can get in right now. I hadn’t realized how much the acu treatment helped with stress and to counter balance the insomnia and anxiety I get on stims.

I am also really missing my Lucky at this moment. I have found that when I am down and feeling sorry for myself, like now, I tend to miss her a whole bunch more. She was my cuddle bunny. She would be at my feet licking them right now or trying to climb into my lap because I am crying. She loved me like no one else ever has in my life and I miss that all the time, but especially right now and when I am feeling low.

I think I will send a few emails out and then go cry myself to sleep. I think I really need the stress relief and since Sex and acupuncture are out….

BTW, I do know that this cycle CAN still work. Shoot, I got pregnant on a much worse one. But, that was a once in a life time miracle. I can still happen, but the odds are not that great. The logistical, emotional, and financial toll for each cycle is high. Since I am a “poor responder”, the cost/benefit ratio is just not there.

Yes, I realize that Max has gotten a lot less “press” lately. But, I am contents under pressure. I am the author so I can make it all about me if I want to..if I need to.