Mind Games

TTC can play havoc with your emotions. I decided today that the 36 hours after trigger and before IUI are probably my most stressful of the entire cycle. Then again, maybe I say that at every step? This process can play such tricks on your mind. Typically, during this time after trigger and before IUI I am convinced I am going to ovulate early. I have called my RE on at least half of all my cycle and gone in for an u/s to check and an early IUI because the pain in my ovaries is either so intense I am sure they grew and collapsed releasing the egg OR I don’t feel them at all (like last night and today) and are sure the eggs have already been released. Today, I realized that there is no making me happy during this time. I am worried if I have ovarian pain and worried if I don’t, both for the same reason. I have already ovulated and the IUI will be too late. I have had to force myself not to call my RE these last two cycles to tell him I am sure I am ovulating or have ovulated early. The thing is…in FIVE cycles…it has never happened. Not once. I think it is going to every single time and it never has. If I call my RE, he will say “why don’t you come in and we will check it out and then he will do an IUI to appease me”. But, I started R2 with only 5 vials to have a full sibling for Max. Since R2C1 was a bust, I am down to 4. And, anyone of them could be a “bad” vial upon thaw causing me to go further into my reserves. This has happened. Only once, but it did occur. These vials are a precious resource not to be used willy nilly because of neurotic mind games. I even had a panic that maybe I missed my LH surge somehow by having diluted urine since we let my follicle grow so large and most people would have had an LH surge already with a follicle that size. I got so concerned that maybe the brand I used (generic drug store) didn’t work with my urine that I tested today after the HCG trigger just to see the “other” line change. I have had to “talk myself down” all day to keep myself from calling my RE and begging to be seen just to make sure my follicles are still there. I will be so relieved when I go in for the IUI tomorrow if I see my follicles still around. I will be thrilled if I have two possible contenders, but will be happy if at least one is still there just about ready for release to meet up with the swimmers. If I ever say that any other part of the cycle is “the most” stressful, remind me of the 36 hours prior to IUI. I hate this time. The timing is so critical to the whole thing. If you get the timing wrong, the rest doesn’t really matter. I mean, unless Dr. N recommended against it, I would likely do an IUI anyway, just to make sure, but thawed swimmers just don’t have the endurance as fresh ones. Timing is key. AHHHHHH. Tomorrow morning can’t get here soon enough for me.