Cancel?

Guess who is sick? Yes, Max and I have both caught the cold after being exposed this weekend.

My little experiment: Yesterday was a very hard day for Max. My usual happy, easy going guy was replaced with a boy who cried at the smallest things. He just plain did not feel well. After work, I was playing with him a bit to wait for the outside temperature to drop a bit before taking our walk so that it wasn’t so hot for Shadow. But, Max had one meltdown after another so we went on a nice long walk; talked to a few neighbors; sang a few songs; and he was fine. When we got home, I put in Baby Bach and we cuddled and watched it together. At some major injustice (can’t remember what now exactly, he couldn’t reach a toy he wanted or something and was having a major crying fit over it), I just cuddled him close. I was remembering fondly breastfeeding which was a terrific soother. So, I decided to try this little experiment I have been thinking about for awhile. The how would Max react if presented with the boob now that there is no milk in it. I decided that now was a fine time to try it. So, I brought out my boob. He just looked at it and put his mouth over it and started laughing. He didn’t even try to suckle, but I think that was his only laugh all day and snapped him out of his bad mood.

On canceling: I have been thinking that I should cancel and not cycle this month; that conditions are less than ideal and if I am going to pay the $2K+ for meds, use another vial of precious sperm, have all the monitoring, etc. I should wait. That is the logical/practical me. The emotional, I want to be pregnant now, me says that despite a less than ideal start., this month could be the month. Unless, my RE recommends NOT moving forward this afternoon at the baseline u/s, I will move forward.

On self torture: I have this terrible, terrible habit. Each time I do it, I swear that I will not do it again. And, yet, next time, I do it all over again. When I was thinking of canceling, I thought. Hmmm. I wonder what the due date will be if I do conceive on this cycle. Based on LMP (last menstrual period), the due date would be …..drum roll…..

FEBRUARY 15, 2007

Which just happens to be my 41st Birthday.