Melt Downs and Worries

We are still sick around here. I thought Max was getting better, but this morning was very congested again and having major melt downs. A few warranted, like having his nose suctioned. Most not, like not wanting to wear his hat on the walk this morning, Shadow moving away from him, his bottle running out when he wanted just one more ounce. He hasn’t wanted to fall asleep in my arms in quite awhile. This morning he did. I love the cuddle time, but not at the price of illness and him not feeling well. I would rather him be feeling up to par and wanting to get into everything.

The last two mornings I have given him Tylenol and Benadryl with breakfast to help the aches and pains I know he must have and the congestion. He is clearly hungry, but has no interest in food or drink when he is feeling so icky. While I hate to dose out the drugs, I have found they really do help him for the rest of the day. The suctioning is only effective for about 3 minutes and he throws such a fit that all the crying and tears just gets him more congested. The medicine has been the most effective method of help so far. That, and momma cuddles and kisses. Poor guy.

These tears and tantrums can be very trying and tiring. And, yet, I still really want more. I hope he isn’t on his way to getting another ear infection. We have his 9 month well baby exam tomorrow. I guess we will find out then. I need to write out my questions for the Dr. so I don’t forget during the appointment.

I still haven’t been sleeping great. I did manage to doze yesterday morning while Max napped, but slept light and crappy again last night. Not only does that suck because I am tired and not feeling so great myself, but it gives me more time to worry.

I’ve been worrying about my cycle, my body, growing my family, and work.

Taking them in reverse order, I was hoping some changes at work would help fix/change the situation at work that has been bothering me since I was out on maternity leave. It looks like that isn’t the case. I’ve decided I am going to talk to one of my bosses about it next week, the one that I have yet to talk to about my issues and concerns. We will see how that goes. I have been wishing the problem would go away, but with some recent changes, it has made it a bit worse.

On the ttc and growing my family front, this process is just full of so many lows with an occasional high. I’m really a bit depressed and bummed out by how this cycle is going so far. I wish I had a better response to the meds. When I was up not sleeping last night, I sent another email to my RE asking if how or where I was injecting the stims could be causing the right ovary boycott or the lack luster response. I figure it is pretty unlikely, but that it couldn’t hurt to ask since I was up and working about in anyway. Most of the time, I think I will likely be able to conceive another child even it if isn’t right off the bat, but when I am feeling tired, but wired on stims; physically sick; and worried about work I lose the faith.

Last night, when I gave myself my shot, I realized how unattractive I look at the present moment. My belly is all soft and big and filled with stretch marks. My butt is a lumpy wide load with ample space for more shots without hitting the same real estate. My boobs are smaller than they have been in awhile and saggy and soft. I am only about 5 lbs heavier than I was when I cycled for Max, but I just feel huge and ugly right now. Normally, I am not so worried about body image because I eat reasonably well and get out and exercise/walk twice a day. I figure I am who I am and with my gene pool, I can only do so much. But, with the reduce exercise, the drugs, the lack of sleep, and the being sick, it is eating into my psyche on this.

I wish my cycle were going better. I know it can still work, but the whole point of doing the stims is to get more follicles/eggs to improve the odds. It is hard to pay the physical, emotional, and financial price for such a low return.

I still miss my Lucky an awful lot. Yesterday, we did a trail that I don’t think we have done since she was gone. Shadow looked really happy to be there and did the whole thing. It was all I could do not to sob my way through it. I really wish she was still living and part of my everyday life instead of just my memories.

I guess it doesn’t help that we have had damp drizzly weather and gray skies lately.

Yesterday afternoon, we did a bunch of errands and I got some gates to block off parts of the house from Mr. Max. They weren’t exactly what I was looking for, but the first two stores didn’t have ANYTHING so I decided to give a try to what the third store had. I guess it will work.

I wish I could go crawl in bed and try to take another nap since I slept so poorly last night, but I made brunch/lunch plans so must go shower and get pulled together.

I know that this funk is just a short term thing caused by many, many factors, but I really hate the anxious out of sorts feeling I have had lately.

Big sigh. Big yawn.