“Time Waster”

Before I had Max, I was a very productive individual. Since having Max, I have become the biggest time waster. For example, right now. Max is asleep. I could shower. I could clean the kitchen/wash the dishes. I could sweep the floor picking up all of the dirt and mud I got everywhere from my hiking boots. I could call many of the friends and family I haven’t talked to all month because I have been in a funk. I could pay bills or at least look to see what bills need to be paid. Yet, here I sit. Playing on the computer. I am actually reading a book, but it is so bad I don’t think I can even be bothered to finish it. Sigh.

When I lost Lucky a few weeks ago, I read that it is better for the remaining pet if you keep to the schedule/routine you had before the loss. I decided the other day, that this isn’t helping me or Shadow, especially in the morning while hiking/nature walking. We have done the trails too many times with Lucky. Over the last year or so, we got into such a routine that we went the same direction and “rested” in the same spots. It was just breaking my heart every morning to do this without Lucky. Even harder has been the fact that Shadow has only been able to/wanted to do a ¼ - 1/3 of the trails that she was just doing a few weeks ago with Lucky. I don’t know if it is because it is less fun and exciting without Lucky or if she is just feeling her aches and pains more or it was too hard for her to be in the same place and smell Lucky’s pee mail scent or what. I haven’t pressured her.**** I have let her rest when she wanted. We turned around when she wanted. I was not comparing them or expecting Shadow to take Lucky’s place because they always did have such different personalities. But, it was breaking my heart.

I decided that we needed to break the routine a bit. So, yesterday, we went to a trail head we have gone on before, but instead of going left up to the water tower which we would have done with Lucky. We went right instead. Today, I decided to take Max and Shadow to the lizard park. My cousin had taken them both once or twice, but I think I only took them once. Instead, I turned to early, but decided to go down the road a bit to see what was there. Instead, we found a NEW place. A place with no Lucky memories. It has several very nice trails and a park with swings, and slides, and a little piano key pad built into the play structure. We had a nice walk with Shadow, then went into the play area and Max went on the swings, played with the piano, and I played him a few songs.* We all had a great time. I don’t know about Shadow, but Lucky was still “with” me. In fact, I started crying when I talked to a family that came as we were leaving about two of the trails that were posted as “No Entry”, but looked to be the most used/popular trails. Dog/animal people are great. I just explained my recent loss and how I was looking for new trails and new places through the tears. They understood. And, told me that they didn’t know anyone who didn’t go on the trails marked as no trespassing. Just as I thought, but it was nice to have it confirmed. We found a new place that can just be ours.

Max had a really bad nap day yesterday because I was a bad mom and hauled him to one of the local SMC get togethers. We both had a great time, but he only slept in the car, waking up as soon as we arrived both ways. So, instead of about a 3 hour (average) daily naps (split between am and pm), he got almost half of that. He got a bit whinny by the end of the day, but had a great night sleep (12 hours instead of his average of 10) if you don’t count waking up about 45 min. after I put him down crying and screaming for about 10 min. or waking up at 2:15 for about 10 min. due to gas.

Dear Friend that I Know Reads My Blog, But Shall Remain Nameless (you will KNOW if this is you :), I was thinking of you at 2:25 when I went to Max when he woke up. I could hear your voice telling me he didn’t need it. But, I warmed up and gave him a bottle anyway. I just couldn’t not, because I was already awake and I knew if I went in we would both get back to bed faster. Yes, he really just needed a bit of comfort and to be moved around a bit so he could get his gas out. A few ounces of bottle; a few big burps and farts; and he was back fast asleep. Probably, he would have eventually moved himself around enough to get the gas out and fallen back asleep. However, in the mean time, I would have been just laying there listening to him and getting more awake. So, I did it and only felt a little guilty for my pampering.

Really, since I have weaning Max, he is sleeping through much more. He was regularly waking up around 1 – 1:30 am for a snack and cuddle while I was still BF. He has slept through to somewhere between 4:30 and 6:15 ish almost every day since. Proof in point, that he doesn’t really NEED to be fed. On the other hand, the kid is still on the skinny side so any chance I have to feed him/fatten him up a bit, I take. Yes, we got a good report at the dr.’s last week, but he moved up from less that 5% for weight to about 20% for weight for his age. He still is a long skinny guy.

Speaking of bf, I was going to take that progesterone shot this weekend. But, I started leaking a lot yesterday afternoon and this morning. I could have sworn my milk dried up last Thursday. It has almost been a full week since I last BF Max. I was really surprised and yes, sad to see the milk still there. After I put Max down last night, I ordered in dinner (salad for yesterday dinner and today’s lunch), opened a bottle of wine, started reading a book (the bad one I don’t think I have the energy or desire to finish), and took a bath. While in the bath, I noticed I was easily able to get milk out of both nipples by just squeezing them a bit. I tried not to be too sad about that which used to be.

Loosing Lucky and stopping breastfeeding has been really hard on me emotionally. I am in a definite funk around here. Both have left a big hole. I wouldn’t say I am depressed, per se, but I am sad. I am very easy to tears. I am enjoying life and doing things. I’m going places and seeing people. But, behind it all, I just don’t have the inner joy and zest for life that I usually do. I’m (mostly) “present” with Max. Singing him songs, reading him books, telling him things, showing him things (we saw fire ants for the first time this morning). I just feel a bit more tired and down. I’m laughing and smiling when I feel like it. And, I am crying when I feel like that too.

I seriously thought last night, when in the bath, about starting to bf Max again, when I realized that my milk was still there. I decided that as hard as it is, I need to be going forward, not back. I am also finding myself wanting to be pregnant again. NOW. Right away. This is dangerous. The ttc path is too unpredictable. It may not happen, at all. It may not happen, right away. I keep cautioning myself to set more realistic expectations or better yet, no expectations as all. I am having a hard time with that.

I am anxious to get my period and get my medicated IUI out of the way. I think I have a realistic expectation around that and, in fact, found myself planning for it NOT working and doing the June IVF cycle.** What I need to watch out for is the expectation of doing the IVF cycle and having it work. Yes, I hope it will. Better yet, I get pregnant on the IUI before that. I need to watch out and protect my heart and emotions a bit. I need to remind myself that while I have a good shot at the IVF working, it is not a done deal. I tell myself, I need to have another plan, a back up plan, for if it doesn’t. I can’t get my arms around that. I can’t seem to do any planning past that. If the IVF fails, I will need to do some serious sole searching and I will likely take a sizable break for ttc to regroup.

I find myself thinking and getting excited about the idea of getting pregnant with twins. The logical rational part of me reminds me that I may not get pregnant again at all, but my heart doesn’t really believe that, which is why it will be so hard if the IVF doesn’t work. The logical rational part of me reminds me of how insane and hard having twins are as a single mom, let alone a single mom with such a young child already. I will have to make some major changes. I will have to move and get a bigger house; get a live in nanny; etc. I know it isn’t rational. I’m just saying that IF I were to get pregnant and IF it was twins, I would be okay with it. While in the past, my preference would have been 1) singleton 2) twins 3) not pregnant at all. My new preference in my heart of hearts is 1) twins, 2) singleton; 3) not pregnant at all. I’ve thought about it enough, I even told me RE this last week when I was in moving sperm and showing off Max.

This whole twin idea has really taken hold since I lost Lucky. It is not as if I feel like I can replace her with another child or another dog for that matter. It is just that my family, the family of my dreams, just seemed so much smaller..too small, now that she isn’t in my life anymore. Two children just don’t seem like enough now. I’ve been pondering this and wondering how health/unhealthy this attitude/feeling is. The thing is that I always wanted a large family with lots of children. I always saw myself as the Kool Aid mom. The house where all the kids came to play because it was fun and there were good snacks and toys (and I could keep a watchful eye on the shenanigans to make sure I approved). I just limited myself to two, in my thinking and planning prior to now, because of age and marital status in the past, not because of desire. Now, I am just questioning my own pre-established limits. Yes, I KNOW it will not be easy. I KNOW it will be very, very hard, especially the first few years. I’m okay with hard. I am okay with busy. I have never felt my life had to be easy or lived my life on easy street. More often than not I have taken the harder, more challenging path.

The whole twins, having 3 children instead of 2 thing has had me thinking a lot about “fate”. I have had my palm read several times and in typical Aquarian fashion picked up a book on palm reading and studied it a bit.*** Each time I have had my palm read, I was told I would have 3 children. When I had the miscarriage, I always wondered if that child “counted” in the three or not, since my “plan” was to only have two. I don’t know if I really believe in fate. I do know that I believe in it less than ever after having gone trough the first round of ttc and the m/c. It was so hurtful when people told me that it “wasn’t meant to be”; that I would get the child I was meant to get when the time was right. Yet, I have been thinking a lot about fate and God lately. The more skeptical side poo poohing fate. The more analytical side wondering. It felt like fate or divine intervention this morning when I took a wrong turn and found the new park/hiking trails this morning. It felt like God was saying, I know you heart is hurting and you and Shadow need this place to heal and Max needs this place to play and grow.

I am telling myself, maybe there is something to this fate thing, even though I don’t really want to believe it. If I had not gone down the ttc path that I did to conceive Max, I would not have the friends and support system that I have today. And, it is the BEST! I would never have imagined it a few years ago. I would not be the person I am today.

If I had not lost Lucky, I would NEVER have been at peace with having twins. It was always my worst fear in going through the process (behind not having a child at all).

I am telling myself that if I am able to conceive again and if it is a singleton, the child I lost via m/c “counted and I am done. I am telling myself that if I am able to conceive again and if it is twins, it is fate. It is the way it was meant to be and I needed to take the path I took to get to where it was okay. I have not yet and am not sure I ever will come to terms with the possibility that I will not be able to conceive more children. And, yet, one of the reasons I have found it so hard to stop breastfeeding is because I don’t ever see it “working” or working so well again. I always, always wanted to breastfeed and would have been really upset if I had not been able to do so with Max. I would LOVE to be able to do it again. It was just so special and worked so well with Max. I just can’t imagine it ever going so well again. I guess if I have twins, it will be harder/more challenging and may not be possible. If I am not able to conceive and move to adoption, I will not have that special time/relationship again.

Anyway, I am trying to tell myself that things will be what they will be. I may or may not conceive another child. I may or may not have twins. I am telling myself that while I often like to live in the future and “plan”, now is the time to live in the present. I need to not predict what will or will not happen. I need to live in the now. I need to cry when I feel like crying. I need to laugh when I feel like laughing. I need to reach out to my friends when I feel like I can give or need support. I need to love the animals I have in my life right now for who they are “now”. I need to love my son with all my heart and teach him and guide him and raise him to be the person he was meant to be. I need to cherish what “has been”, both the good and the bad; the happy and the sad. For it has all been part of what has made me, me. It has made me a person who I like and who I respect.

I guess, in thinking about it, maybe I haven’t been wasting time. I’ve been thinking, pondering, brooding, grieving, planning, analyzing. I have been searching within. Trying to find what is in my heart and that which I can life with and that which I can’t live without. I have been figuring out what makes me, me. It just looks and feels like nothing is getting accomplished. Yet it is hard, tiring work.


* This piano was really great. It had little metal “notes” with the letters of each note. Above them, were 4 different songs with the notes written in scale with the corresponding “letter” for each note. I played him two of them (Twinkle, Twinkle and London Bridge). He and I both loved it.
** At the SMC meeting yesterday, I was talking to the coordinator and offered to host in the summer saying that June would be better than July because I would likely be in the middle of the cycle.
*** You should see my library. I have an odd assortment of books that include palm reading, dream analysis, dog training, astronomy, etc. in addition to the novels, self help books, and most recently pregnancy and child rearing books.
**** If you don't count the new dog beds I bought for her/made to try to convince her to sleep with me in the office at during the day and in my bedroom at night.