Rough Morning

It was a rough morning around here. I guess the good news is that while Max and I both had tears, they weren’t both at the same time. So, it wasn’t all bad.

I was just missing Lucky something awful this morning. Just thinking about it and her is making me teary eyed all over again. I am glad she is out of pain, but I want her back. I miss her. Max, Shadow, City Boy are all great and I am glad there are in my life, but they aren’t Lucky. Neither of them hang out with me in my office during the day. I even tried to bribe Shadow with a new dog bed and moved the one she REALLY likes into the office. It didn’t work. Both Shadow and City Boy have decided that it is nice spring weather and want no part of being indoors.

I think so highly of my vet. She is the only vet that Lucky ever saw (before she went to specialists). When my vet moved practices back 7 + years ago, I moved with her. She knew how much I loved Lucky. She made a donation to The Companion Animal Memorial Fund (see www.vetmed.ucdavis.edu/ccah for more information) in memory. I got the letter in the mail last night. I am so touched that she did this.

And, Max finally had the early morning melt down fit I expected a few days ago between 4 am – 6 am this morning. He did NOT want the bottle. He did NOT want the pacifier. He wanted the boob. I held strong. All that pain the other day was a strong motivator for me. No way, now how did I want to go through that again. Plus, I think my milk is completely gone by now. I wasn’t taking any chances by trying to test it out. Don’t want to give false/mixed messages.

Plus, I am really sad that my milk is gone. I mean, I KNOW that is what I wanted and I consciously stopped breastfeeding, but I miss it. Max misses it. I hope it was done for a good cause and I actually am able to have another child or two. Yet, I know there are no guarantees. There is no guarantee that I will be able to have another child. There is no guarantee if I do that breastfeeding will go so well or that I will be able to successfully breastfeed again. I have made my decision and would make it again. But, it has been a very hard one for me. I am sad.

I am still feeling quite a bit out of sorts. I told myself that part of it is possibly a HORMONE shift due to stopping bf and my milk drying up. While intellectually, I know this, emotionally, I am still strung out today.

I think I will go give my little guy a hug and “cave in” tonight.

I know that this too shall pass. I have much to be grateful for. And, I am. Just today, I am feeling sad for what I once had and no longer do.