Almost every night when I go to bed, unless I am just way to tired and I have to be pretty darn tired to no, I put lotion on my hands and feet. I do not actually like to do this, but I like it done. And, I think to myself that if I had a husband, it would be something he could do to show is love for me and then I laugh because I know that it is just a fantasy and another reminder that when I do desire a husband (which is pretty rare if you don’t count my foot lotion fantasy) it is for all the wrong reasons.
Mostly I like my new acupuncturist, but I don’t love her like I did my other/first one. She is more local and convenient and similarly priced, but she just doesn’t have the same personality. I had an appointment on Thursday and I made a comment that my IBS over all is better, but it still comes and goes sometimes and I have not been able to identify a trigger for it and that I hadn’t yet started a food journal to see if that helped. She made a comment that stuck with me and kind of bugged me to the affect that well, then you haven’t yet tried everything (if this cycle fails). Mostly, I ignore her rah rah be positive talk because I really don’t buy into it. I don’t think that thinking positive or negative will affect the outcome of a cycle either way. Yes, extreme stress may play a part to some degree or at least reduce the odds, but come on, I’m sure stressed out women get pregnant all the time. Hher comment made me realize that subtly, very subtly she tends to place the blame failed cycles and miscarriages on the woman. I probably would have picked up on it earlier had I paid more attention instead of mostly tuning out when you started her “positive” thinking speal as I call it. Now that I realize it, it bugs me and I find it insulting and somewhat damaging to the physique, which is really the opposite of what she should be doing. For example, she’s asked me numerous times if I really want to get pregnant, which I just find as odd and respond of course I want to get pregnant otherwise I wouldn’t be going through all the effort. She will counter with a story like, once one of her patients confessed that she didn’t really want another child, but her husband did so she was going through the motions for him to which I remind her that I am single with no one to please but myself on this. Anyway, don’t want to get myself worked up about it, because…you now…the stress might what caused this cycle to fail. However, one of the things she said actually kind of makes sense to me and worries me. That is that getting and staying pregnant is an extra/non-critical function and that if there are other physical problems the body deems as more important it can affect fertility. Makes me wonder if there is something else or more underlying that I don’t know about or if the IBS could be enough. I guess I could see that having a gallstone and recovering from that surgery could put things out of balance, but think it has been long enough now for that to still be an issue. And, my insulin was high (a situation that I like to think of as insulin resistance as opposed to pre-diabetic). And, while the IBS is better things couldn’t really be classified as “normal” per se. I guess I really should make an appointment with the internist for a physical to talk about the IBS and for a baseline heart stress test or what they call it. The thing about the IBS is that other people gave it that label and I started using it, but in all of the internet searching and do you have IBS questionnaires‘, my symptoms don’t really match most or the criteria. Other than getting pissed of and stressed about work this week, in general, I am less stressed and more life balanced than I can ever remember being as an adult. I don’t have abdominal cramping (related to IBS anyway), which according to the acu is there even if I can’ feel it and “bad” for a cycle which is in direct contrast to what Dr. N and other RE’s have said in response to me and others who have asked about diarrhea and vomiting or stuff like that after an ET or transfer. Anyway, I guess this was bugging me more than I realized. And, made me forget my other random thoughts.
Hmmm. What were they?
Something I read online tonight made me think about my ex-boyfriend and took me down memory lane in a good smiling way. I sure didn’t feel this way for several years after we broke up, but I’m actually very happy we didn’t get married and he isn’t the father of my children. Truth be told, I probably still love him and maybe always will. We remain friends and in contact. I have had sex with him (but sadly not recently and not the last few times we have seen each other) for many, many years and can see us having sex again in the future. Made me remember a conversation that I had with a friend on New Years eve about how I can see K and I living out our “golden years” together after the kids are grown and gone. The thing with K and I is that we genuinely like each other and have a great time when we are together. Loving and liking each other really was never our issue as much as some fundamental philosophy issues of what it meant to be in a committed relationship and marriage with probably the biggest being around what some call “open” marriages vs. monogamy and the second biggest around what I call contribution to society (personal motivation to succeed and bettering yourself. For example, we have talked about the fact that he never graduated from college (that’s where we met). He was less than 6 or 8 or 10? Units shy, got drafted to the NFL (but didn’t stick), played in Europe in the World League, played in Canada (where he met the mother of his sons), but never made the time and effort to follow through. There is no way that if we had stayed together that would have been acceptable. I would have pushed him and bugged him until he did it and he admits now that he wishes that he did, but feels now like it is lost to him. The guy is smart. For example, we have probably played more than 100 games of chess in our day. Maybe I one once or twice and he won the rest. Quite annoying actually. (smile) But, he was just never motivated to really apply himself and go after things that would really make him happy like coaching a high school or college football team or a scout. Instead, he works in low paying menial type jobs. It’s not really and just about the money, at least it wasn’t at the time. Although, hindsight shows I probably would have been the primary money earner and after having kids resentful with wanting to be able to stay home full time. Anyway, hadn’t seriously thought about him in awhile and it was kind of nice to do so in a I’m so happy things turned out the way they did and where I am at in life kind of way.
I could talk about the minutia of the day, but it is seriously getting late so I had better at least try to fall asleep so I will just quickly mention how even on the rare occasions that I mess with Max’s nap/sleep schedule, I regret it. Easy to say that you will never be a slave to your child’s nap schedule, if you don’t have a child who really needs one like Max does. And, to say that I took Max to his first little league game today (after he woke up crying and screaming from his late broken up nap after falling asleep in the car, waking up when I brought him in, and eventually falling back to sleep and the only thing he wanted me to do is stand holding him while he watched a baseball game on tv). And, when we got back, in front of the house, and I opened the garage door, he started crying all over again. So, I asked him if he wanted to go out to eat or church and he said church so we went to (part of) the Saturday evening service. An interesting choice since he just runs circles around the “cry” room trying to escape whenever someone opens the doors most of the time. Probably, he just likes going to the play area afterwards, but it did make me glad that I have been making the effort to go. Or, it could have just been that he wasn’t hungry since he isn’t really feeling that great (yet another cold) and didn’t do more than snack most of the day.
To bed, to bed, I must get to bed. I must at least try to sleep even though I’m still not feeling very tired.
Oh yes, one last thing...how could I forget. LOL. Still feeling very crampy and like I'm about to start my period. But, not spotting or any sign of blood yet. Maybe it could be a good sign. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Can you hear my laughter from here?
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