Happy and Sad

Have you ever been really happy and really sad at the same time? I feel like that has been my life this last year. Such contrasting emotions all at once. Thrilled that Max is in my life and yet sad that I haven't been able to give him a sibling. Really, I have been doing great these last few days. I've been busting my butt (and back) doing yard work, planting flowers, and re-seeding the backyard. I'm sore, but feeling great.

I just gave away/loaned out all of my baby stuff to a good friend. I met her when we were both trying to conceive when she was single. She met her husband and has continued to try for a child doing 2 IVF's with no success with the last one being last month. They started pursuing foster adopt and got a call that they may get a baby next week. I'm so happy for them and really, really hope it works out. Having so much given to me was such a blessing and it has just been sitting out in the garage waiting, waiting, waiting for a chance to be used. I'm happy to be able to do the same for someone else and really hope they get that baby soon to use it all. But, sad that it isn't me using it nor will it be anytime soon.

I much rather it get used than just collect dust, but it was hard to see it go, even all the girl stuff that I never even used. How silly is that?

My friend said she would mark all the stuff so she could give it back if/when I need it. I'm not really worried about that. I think that when you loan it out, you need to be prepared to never get it back because it could get stained or trashed or broken or whatever. That is just the reality with kids. I hope someday to need baby stuff again, but the stuff I gave away is just stuff. I'll either get it back or someone else will be ready to pass on their stuff or it will all work out. I just want the baby.

As I told her, even if I get pregnant with in the next month or so, it will be at least 9 months before I would need anything an the reality is probably much longer if ever. I really am happy that it can get some use in the meantime.

I've been thinking recently about how contrasting my life is in general these days with another example being that I'm going to church much more regularly than I ever have as an adult. Yet, I feel further away from God than ever before.

Anyway, just feeling a bit melancholy, but I'll be fine. I've been doing fine. The hard labor has helped, especially since it is something I enjoy so much like gardening. I was almost finished with a post last night with tons of details on what I was doing and why and how good it felt and how great I was doing, but I somehow deleted most of it before I published it and was too tired to redo it.

Really, I'm doing great over all, just a bit sad at the moment...but in a good way knowing I was able to help out someone else.