Feeling tired and crabby

I had a hard time falling asleep last night and didn’t do so until after midnight. Of course, Max is going through an early wake up phase with this morning being the earliest in months….the dreaded 4 am hour. He had pee’d through, was congested, and crabby. After about an hour, I decided some Benadryl and Tylenol were in order and they did help some. Boy, it was really hard not to be crabby back to him this morning. I did have to take a deep breath a few times and tell him that mommy was very tired today so it would be great if he could use his words, help me understand what he wanted, be a little patient. Didn’t really change his behavior any, but reminded me to keep my patience. It was one of those mornings where I was thinking….and, I want another one of these? Am I crazy?

Of course, today is beta day. Blood was dropped off 40 minutes ago or so…after waiting for 30 minutes with only 2 people ahead of me. Then, I had to point out that the test was STAT to the tech which was annoying and even more so that she didn’t actually put the STAT sticker on in my presence so we will see if I get the results today. It goes without saying that in spite of my inner dialog this morning questioning my sanity of wanting another one, of course I do so want another. I am so ready to be off the ttc road, but not ready to quit.

Most of the reason I was up so late last night was I watch the entire second half of the Survivor Fiji season now that I forced myself through the last two book of the Left Behind series. Earl won. Survivor. God won the final battle between good in evil in Kingdom Come, the last Left Behind book. You might have predicted that. The Survivor outcome was not so predictable, but, if you are a fan, you would already know that Earl one since the season ended weeks ago (or is it months by now).

Anyway, after the whole zoning in front of the TV thing for hours and hours on end last night and as tired as I was I still managed to play the am I or am I not mind game for an hour or so until yesterday was today. Then, Max woke me up early. Hence, the tired and crabby part. As far as the mind game, when it was all said and done, I came to the conclusion that I really have no idea that the cycle worked. It’s doubtful that the cycle worked, but it could have. I had those two days where I felt crampy and like I was going to get my period. Then, really nothing much in the way of symptoms or lack there of for days In spite of the harder than normal morning, I will be disappointed for another failed cycle. Because I am so tired and crabby, it may even be harder than normal to get the bad news.

Let’s just hope I actually get them back one way or the other today since I was in so early and it was supposed to have been done STAT. If not, it may not be pretty and I may have to go off on someone. I plan to call the clinic after my last meeting ends at 3:30 PT which will be slightly over 6 hours with a STAT turnaround time supposed to be within 4 – 6 hours. I’m giving them 15 extra minutes. May they deliver prior to then. That’s all I have to say about that.

I guess that is all I have to say about anything right now. Other than to say that I must stop the sugar madness. I was doing so well until the last few days. My self psychoanalysis has shown that my two trigger times is extreme stress (which is rare for me, but work has tipped me over the edge lately) and being extremely tired (which is fairly rare for me). Since today, I am both tired and stressed, I will really need to watch it because adding sugar to the mix will be nice in the short term, but not really help anything in the long run. The one piece of good news is that I stepped on the scale for the first time in weeks (because I was too afraid of what the number might be) and it was actually down 2.5 lbs from where I was last time I checked. Since I had gained the 2.5 lbs back from my “start” and was pissed off the last time I checked because of my unforgiving body gaining it back on just a minor infraction, I am actually the same as where I wanted to be. I’ll take a neutral right now.

Now, I really have nothing else to say. For now. I’ll just go impatiently wait until this afternoon so I can officially be disappointed that yet another cycle has failed and I will be continuing the ttc madness. I’m tired. Physically tired. Mentally and emotionally tired. Of. Trying. To. Have. Another. Child.

Tired, but not ready to quit.