CD1. Yet Again.

Today is cd1. I'm seriously thinking of not cycling this month, but I'm going in for an u/s tomorrow to check things out. Last month, I had a lead follicle at 10 on cd2 so we didn't do the meds...or rather just a really low dose of them. I will not be shocked at all to find the if the same thing happened again this month. It's like my hormones are out of sync and my ovaries are moving forward before I shed my lining from the month before...of course, that is my own personal theory with no one to really ask or talk to it about. Makes me really miss Dr. N, of course. Sometimes I wonder if he were still here and in charge of me if I would have better results so far. I think I'm doing okay managing my own case here with what I know, but it does get hard sometimes without someone to bounce ideas off and give suggestions. I'll talk to Dr. Q tomorrow during the u/s, but may scrap the cycle if I already have a big follicle (think I have felt one growing for about 4 - 5 days now). My rationale is that if I don't cycle this month, I won't do progesterone next month and then my lining shed should be back in sync with my ovary production since I will get an early period. Like I said, I'm still undecided, but the egg quality has to be pretty crappy if it is that out of sync. We will see what tomorrows u/s shows and what Dr. Q has to say.

The other odd thing going on is that for the last few days, almost the same amount of time I have felt a possible follicle growing, my IBS has just disappeared. Gone. Basically things are normalish. And, I have been eating way more sugar and carbs that I should be and have in quite a while. Telling myself that the sugar and carbs and higher insulin isn't good for the egg quality hasn't been a motivating factor since, well, the egg quality is certainly crap anyway.

With such a positive attitude, I ask myself why I'm bothering to keep trying. It really just does seem so hopeless right now. I question my sanity regularly for buying 10 more vials. What the hell was I thinking? Then, I give myself the pep talk on how the odds are better than zero as long as my ovaries are producing something. They may not be high...someone asked me today what I have been told my odds are per cycle with IUI for my age...and I had to laugh...good thing it was through email...because I wouldn't and haven't asked that question. I told her certainly less than 5%, but more likely somewhere in the 1 - 3% range. Pretty bad when you think about it, which I try not to do too often, but better than zero.

Hey, what is the worst thing that can happen with continuing to cycle? I will continue to get negative beta's and they won't work. I can handle that. I have lots of experience. I don't like it. I'm tired of it. I actually don't really think it is going to work, ever, with my own eggs at this point. Mostly. There is just this small, very small smidgen of hope, the thought that it really only does take one and if I keep trying...maybe, just maybe...that one will come up.

I'm not ready to move on. I'm not ready to quit. I'm tired of the ride, but don't like the alternative so I will try and try again. Maybe not this month. We will see. But, I have a years worth of sperm on ice and maybe, just maybe I'll get another miracle sometime this year if I keep at it.