Discouraged

I’m feeling so sad and discouraged. I’m back to thinking that I will never have another bio child and wondering if I really should just stop and try to be happy with the family I currently have rather than the one that I wanted and dreamed about for so long. The lack of any type of response to fertility meds, again, shows that it wasn’t just a fluke before and that no protocol is going give a better or different response. Until forced recently by no response, I had never done un-medicated cycles. In part, because I liked the idea of higher odds you are supposed to get using the fertility meds and in part because I really don’t have the confidence in the hormones my body makes to produce an egg good enough to make a child. I spent most of my adult life on birth control pills because they regulated the hormones in a much more desirable way since my own hormones left to their own devises have never been quite what they should be. I guess that is why I’m feeling so down about this. I feel like it really was my last real chance. I’ll probably try a few un-medicated cycles just in case I’m wrong while I make sure that I really do want to go the donor egg route and how I’ll pay for it. Gosh this is hard. My internal pain around this is such that I haven’t talked to anyone IRL about it yet. I need to wait a bit until it doesn’t hurt quite so badly. I just feel so stuck right now. I’m worn out and tired and down. Heck, maybe even a bit depressed. There are many productive things I could and should do, but I don’t have the desire or energy right now. My vacation can’t get here soon enough. I don’t know why I am looking forward to it so much since I have no real plans, but I am.