Dinner?

Last night, I asked Max what he wanted for dinner. It was a rhetorical question as I was pondering our choices. The response I got back was "JAMBA JUICE, JAMBA JUICE, JAMBA JUICE". Uncle Jim introduced him to Jamba Juice over the last two weekends and saying that Max loved it is probably an understatement. So, we went to Jamba Juice for dinner and split a drink and a soft pretzel since it was a better idea than what I was coming up with.

For breakfast this morning, he had "CC's Cereal" more commonly known as Rice Crispy cereal. And, then cheese, hard pretzels, and raisins while walking the dogs. And, then, some of my oatmeal.

What can I say, he's prey to the power of suggestion. He is a funny kid.

Oh, and Shadow seems to be doing a bit better today so I think I'm just going to watch and see for another day or two. And, I don't think I'm just seeing what I want to see.

Things that have me down

I'm sad.

I'm sad because my dog Shadow isn't doing to well. She's having a really hard time walking. It seems to be her right shoulder/arm. I'd take her into the vet, but I'm not sure I could get her into and out of the car. And, I'm afraid she'll recommend I put her down and I'm not ready for that yet. But, know that I never will be. I was up early this morning and decided I would call the vet and see if I could talk to her about it, but start to cry every time I even think about it so don't think I can even get through the conversation just now. I guess I'll hope and pray that tomorrow will be a good day. I just had Shadow in and the vet said not to count her out yet and that she would have good and bad days. I just don't want to be selfish and keep her around just for me if she is in pain or if it isn't the best for her.

I'm really unhappy in my job. Unhappy enough that I'm thinking about looking for another one or at least putting out feelers. I talked to my boss about it today and he said he thinks it will be getting better soon. I can't talk about the details, but I'm not sure how to do some of the things they want done with keeping my credibility as a leader or my integrity as an employee. It's not illegal, just bad leadership. I had lunch with a friend today and she asked me what I would want to be doing instead and, as I told her, really, what I'm doing now without all the BS that's going on right now.

My cousin, daughter, and husband (who I've know for almost 20 years and am friends with as well) came down again this weekend. Jim was layed off last week so stayed a few extra days. It was really great to have them here and to have Jim stay longer. Both Max and I loved it. Just the silly things like going around the neighborhood this morning following the trash truck. Or, Max taking a shower with Jim this morning instead of me (although Max tried to take one with me as well, but I wasn't buying it :). I'll miss having the extra adult around who is self sufficient, even if he did hog my laptop limiting my on-line time. It was nice.

I'm at the tail end of this cold and still not feeling 100%. I'm stuffy and tired, but no longer achy and exhausted.

Oddly, or maybe not so oddly, the fact that I was once again cancelled from an IUI, doesn't have me down. It's just a confirmation that moving to DE is the right thing for me and I feel at peace with that decision. My u/s today, after 4 days of 100 mg of clomid and 1 amp of (expired) Repronex, my two follicles on the left were at 10. They were 7 and 11 last Friday. The RE gave me the choice of adding injectables. I declined. As I told him, no point. I have some I could use, but may as well save them for someone who might actually respond to them. I may go back in if I feel like I may be close to ovulating to get it checked out for an IUI. Either way, with next bleed, I'm going on BCP's and calling it quits with my own eggs after this round. I'm ready.

Free, Free, Free ...AGAIN

For the second Saturday night in a row, I am child free for a much needed break. My cousin and her family came back into town and took him off to the beach after his nap. I'm just hanging out fighting off a bad cold and not feeling so great this Saturday (as opposed to the wonderful dinner a friends beach house last Saturday), but it is nice. We went to a local SMC gathering this morning and had a fab time like we always do with this group. Then, home for late naps. My cousins husband put Max down for his nap and they carted him off while I was still in bed (had just woken up, but didn't leave the room until after they were gone:). I have to say, it is kind of nice and this is the biggest break I've had ... two weekends in a row ...where I've had any kind of a break. I have to say, I'm enjoying it while I have the chance.

I think I will go take my clomid and shoot up my 1 amp of expired Repronex in my last hurrah cycle. I took inventory of my meds last night and found 4 vials of expired Repronex so decided to add 1 amp in a day. Hey, can't hurt and may help. I didn't take Dex this morning, but think I may tomorrow. Still trying to decide on that one. I'm feeling bad enough with this cold, I'm not sure I want to add taking a steroid on top of that, but it may help me feel better?

My Hail Mary

On to my last hurrah with my own eggs. My u/s showed two follicles on my left at 11 and 7. Nothing on my right, but no big suprises there. I'm going to take 100 mg of Clomid for 5 days to try to help the quality. Of course, this was my idea. Truthfully, I don't think it has a chance of working. For my cycle day, which I'm counting as cd4 (two days of spotting and two days of normal flow), I really shouldn't have follicles this big. I'm still trying to decide whether to add in the dex or not. And, I think I might look through my med stash and see if I have any expired or soon to expire inj. meds that I may add. Hey, it can't hurt and may help. I'm going to throw the long pass, the hail Mary, and what will be will be. At least I will be able to know, up until the bitter end, I tried and tried and tried with my own eggs.

I spent a few hours with the loan officer and my refinance loan is underway. Thirty days from now, right about the time I get my last negative with my own eggs, I'll have lots of cash on hand. Then, I'll be able to give the agency fee, contract with the donor I have selected, and hopefully be on my way to having another child. At least the odds will be better.

I'm tired and not feeling great and am going to have a house full of company again this weekend and have the 3rd year anniversary of our local SMC group that I'm very active with tomorrow. So, a busy weekend.

Ouch!

It was bound to happen. Inevitable really. Actually, it is amazing that it hasn't happened before or earlier really. Knowing all of that didn't take away the sting. For the first time, Max wanted his nanny over me. It's nap time and I told him he couldn't watch "Orchestra", his Baby Einstein Meet the Orchestra DVD. Then, I made him take off his "shoes", his little Robbie? slippers that he found in his closet this morning that he hasn't warn since last winter and refused to take off this morning so wore them to school and wanted to wear them to bed. So, he was pretty angry with me. I just said okay, came into my office, closed the door to cry. Tempered only a tad that Noemi knocked on the door with him a few minutes later because he now wanted me. Silly to let a 2 year old hurt your feelings. I know this. Still it is much easier when it happens to someone else. To HEAR about it happening as opposed to experience it happening.

It doesn't help that I'm tired and already feeling hormonal. I'm counting today as cd2, although it could be either cd1 or cd3. I started spotting on Tuesday, a bit more on Wednesday, and today I have full flow. I'm missing Dr. N after talking for a few hours with another one of his patients on the phone last night. I'm afraid I have scar tissue on that left side that can cause problems with a DE cycle, or a cyst, or wondering what it is exactly that I'm feeling over on that left side and figuring it can't be good (and hoping that it isn't bad), and trying to decide whether I want to try a clomid cycle this month before signing a DE contract.

No one said motherhood would be easy, but sometimes it is harder than others in different ways. I won't lie. I love being number one in my son's life. And, I know that truly I still am, but boy...him wanting her, over me, even knowing all I know intellectually. It still hurt my feelings.

ETA: I called and scheduled an u/s for tomorrow afternoon. Would have actually like to get in today, but they are in cycle and I knew it probably wouldn't have been possible. Unlike in the beginning of this ttc process, I know that one day really isn't going to make a huge difference one way or another, especially if it is what I would consider best case and it is a cyst since it's clear I didn't ovulate last month.

Labor Day Weekend 2007

We had a great (and busy) weekend with my cousin in town with her husband, daughter, and dog. Max just loves them so much. CC, his cousin, is just the best. Ozzy, their dog, rates pretty high as well. Uncle Jim moved up the scale this weekend with him teaching Max how to pee (standing up) on the tree outside, not exactly what I had in mind when I mentioned to Jim it would be good to show Max the ropes in that regard and take him into the bathroom with him a few times if the opportunity arose, but hey, I can go with the flow. Max and Uncle Jim really bonded at the beach when they went without me Saturday afternoon as I was out with an afternoon/evening of freedom. On Sunday, we just had professional pictures taken in the morning and swam and BBQ'd in the evening. Max really has come a long, long way in his swimming ability in just 1 week and was doing a lot of underwater time going between all of us in the pool. He just thought it was the greatest thing when I went under the water with him and we were looking at each other under the water. Today, we went back to the beach and stopped by my sisters on the way home for dinner. I know that I had a wonderful weekend and think Max did as well.


Max and Uncle Jim bonding at the beach with CC.


Not particularly the best picture of either Max or I, but we were having a good laugh before bed on Sunday night. And, it does show my new haircut. However, a much better one of us will be coming from our Sunday photo session.


My naked boy with "the family"


Max getting through a climbing play structure at the beach today.


He was just so darn proud of himself.

False Alarm

No idea why I spotted yesterday and got crampy, but no period, no more spotting, no notthing today. Hmmm. As tempting as it is to try to go in this week for a scan or hormone check just to get information to see what may be going on, really it is pointless since it doesn't really matter. No way I could be cooking a good quality egg in there right now. Still may try to do a clomid cycle before I go on BCP's and start prep'ing for a DE cycle. After doing so many back to back IUI cycles every chance I got after my last cancelled IVF last December, I had almost forgot how much lead time and planning goes into one of these events.

We are having a great weekend, but it has been busy and I'm very short on sleep. Ah, but I'm having fun and sleep can be over rated at times. Right?

cd1

Can you believe that? What an F'd up cycle. Today is something like cd18...to tired to walk across the house to look at the calendar or count from Tuesday which was something like cd11 or 12 when I got to see that sucky looking follicle, but it is something like that. I had a tad of light pink spotting earlier today and thought it was my imagination, but I have more spotting tonight and can am now feeling all crampy and period like so I bet full flow will be here by the morning.

Well, maybe I will go in for a cd3 baseline and try a clomid cycle and maybe throw in a low dose injectable as a last hurrah before signing a DE contract. Hey, it really can't get much worse than it is now other than if I lost my left tube, but even that doesn't seem that bad right now (and it may be blocked by scar tissue anyway) after all a tube is only useful if an egg, a decent one, is produced to be fertalized and traveled down.

Free, Free, Free

I was free of child, dogs, cat, fish and all responsibility of others for 8 or 9 whole hours today. It was great and I enjoyed every minute of it. I love my life and my responsibility, but it was nice to leave it home for a short, short while...and I got to talk about while gone and knew it would be there when I got back. A friend is staying at her families beach house for the week and invited me and some others for a girls night out. It was devine. Very tired since day started at 4 am, which wasn't so great. My cousin is in town and she watched Max for me. Half of them were alseep when I left just after nap time and the entire house was asleep when I got home, but by the looks of the pictures in the camera they had just a great time as I did at a different...much closer beach. I can't tell you how great it felt to drive away and then how great it was to get home. A very rare treat for me and I enjoyed every moment of it. I love that house. I love the view and sound of the ocean without actually being on the ocean. I loved the company. And, the moon on the way home was just spectacular.

C'est La Vive

If I remember my French properly, that means ...That's life. It was just one of those days.

I did something drastic and got my hair cut...really cut...like 3 - 4 inches off from below my shoulders to chin cut. I don't love it because the stylist, not my normal person, didn't listen when I said only very little layering and that it needed to be shorter under and longer on top for the layering to work. Sigh. So, it will be out of control when I let it dry natural, passable if I blow dry, and best if I have time to hot roller it. At least there is a lot less of it.

Max woke up at 4 am and never went back to sleep no matter how many times I told him it was still night night and I was really tired.

He pooped out of his diaper for the first time. Yes, out on the grass like the doggies. By the time I got him cleaned up, which only took a minute or two, Nikki, our foster dog ATE the poop before I could clean it up. Had I known that would be an issue I'd have done that first. Ick, Ick, Ick. I was so disgusted thinking about it, I puked on the grass, which Max thought was hilarious.

Good thing Max was having a very hard time settling tonight and wanted more milk, because I had to go out to garage to get a fresh gallon out of the garage fridge, because our cat was locked in the garage and it was hot, hot, hot in there. It was around or over 110 today outside and much hotter in the garage. He seems to be doing fine and no worse of the experience. Sadly, this is not the first time he has been shut in, but it hasn't happened in awhile.

Shadow has really been limping and can barely walk to the front of the house and back the last few days. The heat isn't helping.

I've still never heard back from the other DE agency I contacted. Nor did I get a reply from my clinic or agency coordinators. Yes, my clinic is in cycle and she just returned from vacation. And, it is the Friday before a holiday weekend, but still....now that I want a decision. I want movement.

Anyway, there's more smaller annoying stuff like how I asked Noemi to make sure Max went down for a nap early that didn't happened and I had to stop work and put him down and it didn't go well because he was overtired, then he woke up crabby, crabby, crabby. And, when he is like that, she just seems to make it worse and can't get him to snap out of it.

I got the receipts, the very big pile that have been accumulating since June, entered today and my checking account balanced. It's scary how much money I have been spending lately. Well, I'll be spending a bunch more before long. I keep trying to remind myself it is only money.

My Naked Bottom Boy

We are in the dog days of summer here. We hit 110 yesterday and it felt just as hot today. Not that I was out in it much except for early this morning to walk the dogs and later this afternoon to get in the pool with Max and let him play in the sprinklers.

This last weekend, I got together with some friends and there were two 2 year old boys and one almost 3 boy. At the instigation of a 4 year old girl, they all got naked and played in the sprinklers and in these two metal tins that are probably used for ice/drinks when entertaining. They had a blast. And, the boys all took turns pee'ing on the grass. It was pretty funny to see.

And, it struck an impression with Max who has since spent a lot of time naked when I'm on duty and has probably pee'd on the grass 10 times a day since and in the potty 3 times total and hasn't had one accident. I really wasn't planning and am not pushing potty training, but I have just decided to go with the flow.

He has seen dogs pee pretty much every day, multiple times a day since he was brought home from the hospital. Then, I think, after seeing the other boys do it, it just clicked for him. I've thought about it and can see where it may not be the best thing having him go on the grass all the time, it probably isn't the worst either. He is learning when he has the urge and how to pee at will. I figure once he has that down and once it gets colder here, we can make the move to the potty if he is so inclined.

Sometimes, I will ask him if he wants to go pee pee on the potty and he will say "No, on the grass" and open the door, run outside to the grass and pee. Sometimes, he will just announce "pee pee on grass" and go outside...like he sees the dogs do. The times he has peed on the potty are times when I'm going as well and he joins me for a family pee.

The other funny thing is that he gets into this deep squat and looks intently at his penis and concentrates on how it "feels" (by the look of his face, anyway). I've told him a few times that boys and men can stand up to pee and he has tried it a few times right after I say that, but doesn't seem to enjoy it as much as the full squat.

This weekend, my cousin is coming with her husband (Max's godfather) and daughter (CC, Max's favorite person) and I think I'll ask Jim to take Max in with him a few times and show Max that you hold it to aim. Maybe see if he can get him to try it in the toiler and aim at some Cheerios or something. I think Max is tall enough to make it with the seat up. I figure it can't hurt and not sure when else there will be a male role model in the house.

Anyway, he is just totally loving this Au natural being naked thing. He didn't even want to put clothes on to walk the dogs this morning and I gave in pretty easily since I wanted to walk the dogs early before it got too hot as it only cooled down to about 80 last night, wasn't in the mood for a big battle over it, and he just ends up getting the clothes wet anyway by going through sprinklers.

I even joined him in his nakedness this evening and we went in the pool sans suits. I have to say, it WAS nice. I can see why he likes it.

Been and Not Been - Edited

What have I been doing?

Moping...a little

Crying...a little

Swimming with Max and playing in the yard with him every night after work. I think he really liked his swimming lesson the other day.

Talked with my clinic and got information on cycles; deadlines for paying a deposit, when the remaining money would be due, selecting a donor, and confirming my current coordinator would still coordinate this.

Got agreement from the financial coordinator at my clinic to let me into the DE Outcome Based Plan (OBP), which is a shared risk plan, even if I only decide to transfer 1 in a fresh cycle and to freeze any remaining (if any) so I could decide to thaw and transfer one at a time. It is more expensive by about 6K and I'll loose if I get pregnant on the first try/fresh cycle. But, it includes way more than a fresh like freezing, free FET's for a year, and two additional fresh cycles in a year. Plus, I'm fine if I'm out the money because really they have been billing my insurance for all of the monitoring and getting paid and contracted rates for years. And, Dr. N assisted on my lap last year and they never charged me for it.

Made the decision to go to donor eggs.

Made inquiries into two DE Agencies. Haven't heard back from one. The other was very responsive and I will likely go with them.

Looked at a bunch of donor profiles and narrowed it down to two that I'm still pondering. One is available and the other is cycling in Sept./Oct. so may not be ready for a Nov./Dec. cycle.

Looked into a few financing options.

Applied for and was approved for a refinancing loan at a rate better than what I currently have for higher than the amount I will likely need and that will pay off all debt except for the 10K I just moved to a 6 month interest free, but I will have enough to set aside so that I can pay that off once an interest rate kicks in.

Worked at the job I get paid for, but not as hard as I should be.

Paid a few bills and started a preliminary budget.


What I haven't been doing?

Socializing much or talking on the telephone.

Reading, or watching TV.

Grocery shopping.

Finished paying bills, balancing my account, and finishing a budget.

Asking if I do have scar tissue if it can cause a problem with a DE cycle and if I should get it checked out because I'm too afraid of the answer right now.

I will never make it to retrieval, but ... I'm hoping I make it to transfer by the end of the year.

Note: Edits made within the document.

I wish

I wish. I wish. I wish.

I wish I were happier about where I am in life right now, but I'm not.

I tell myself to just be happy with the child and the family that you have, but I can't...at least not for long.

I tell myself that with one child...

you will have much more free time and then think personal time, which I truly value, is over rated

you will have more money, but money doesn't buy happiness

life will be much easier, yet, easy isn't a priority for me

I remind myself that my genes aren't that great...

given my druthers, I would have been taller and thinner and maybe more confident and outgoing and at times, not so nice, yet, I'm sad of the prospect of not passing my genes on to another child...and that surprises me

I'm have a decent career and make decent money, but that was never my dream or goal in life. It happened while I waited for Mr. Right and for what I really wanted.

I've always wanted to be the Kool Aid Mom. The house where all the kids wanted to come. Where your own kids want to be. I want the caos, the dirt and mess, and the soccer games or little league, and the sleepless nights with a sick child, and the worry, and the smiles and the hugs and the laughter and the joy and the momma, mommy, MOM-MY a hundred times a day. Sure, even with one it gets tough some times, but I don't complain ...much. Being a mom has felt so right and so natural and so fulfilling.

Motherhood is all I dreamed it would be an more. Often, I wish I had started down this path earlier. Yet, I know deep inside, I wasn't ready and couldn't have done it at least not as well earlier. I have come to realize that I've always felt called to be a mom. And, never really called to be a wife, other than for achieving the end goal of being a mom.

I knew trying to have a child would be hard. I just never knew how hard. I always knew in my heart of hearts that Max was my miracle child. I just never thought he would be my only. I didn't think it would be easy, but I did think it would happen, eventually, if I tried hard and long enough.

I always, always, always knew I wanted more than one child.

I wish that sometimes dreams would come true.

Then, I remind myself that sometimes, when they don't...the outcome is better than you could have ever hoped and imagined.

Good News + Bad News = Another Disappointment

I had my u/s today at cd12.

The good news is that my lining looked great at 8.xx and had a nice triple stripe.

The bad news is that I only had one smallish and very bad looking follicle and I've seen a lot of follicles so I know a bad looking one when I see it.

End result is no cycle for me this month and likely my scar tissue is back on the left side from my last lap.

Starts

Max started swimming lessons today. I went with and got in the water with him. I guess when I talked to Noemi about it, she didn't realize she would have to get in with him. Oh well, I've been wanting her to get in the water with him for the past 2 summers and she hasn't. I've started a post about all the things I don't like about her, but haven't yet finished it. I like her in the most important way...I trust her impeccably with Max and she truly cares for him and watches him well. But, the list of things that bug me about the way she does things (mostly light housekeeping related) is long.

I started making inquiries about a DE cycle towards the end of the year today. I contact one agency today and they are pulling some profiles based on what I'm looking for today. I have another agency I want to contact, but can't remember the name and didn't get around to looking it up. I also was in touch with my clinic to find out cycle dates, when I would have to pay money, if I could get into a shared risk plan with my desire to only transfer 1 at a time and freeze individually. My coordinator is on vacation until next week and I have a number of questions for her when she gets back, but they can wait a few weeks at this point. I go in tomorrow for an u/s and will likely trigger and do another IUI if I've got something growing, which I think I do. And, I'll keep trying with these back to back unmedicated cycles until then. Not only do I want to have another child, I want children that are closer together. I feel like my time is running out. My desire to have a child sooner rather than later is more important than a genetic connection at this point especially since it is so unlikely that I will ever get pregnant with my own eggs again.

Maybe now I can sleep...

I've been keyed up tonight and having a hard time settling. After reading, tossing and turning, watching a bit of TV, turning on and off the light a few times, I finally decided to write a quick note to Dr. P telling her how often I think about her, and Dr. N, and their family. It ended up not being so quick. It's been something I have been meaning and wanting to do for awhile. When I was visiting this weekend, I found out that their son was in pre-school with my friend's sister son. And, when I took Max to his 2 year ped appointment, I could only imagine walking up the hill to the clinic to show off Max and how happy Dr. N would have been to see him, like I did and he was, when Max turned one. So, I guess it has been on my mind a bit more than normal. I really, really miss Dr. N. Sometimes, I still can't believe the tragedy that cut short his life.

I'm going to try to get into the clinic sometime early this week for an u/s. I'm only cd10 (I think?), but can tell I have a follicle on my left and maybe even a smaller one on my right. My clinic batch cycles and is "in cycle" right now or soon so getting an appointment may be harder than usual. Maybe I'll be in another 2 ww by the weekend.

Another thing on my mind as I was tossing and turning is DE financing. I'm internally debating refinancing my house taking out cash. I think I'll only need 40K for a DE cycle, but am pondering taking out a full 100K to payoff some credit card debt that has crept up a bit and then using the other 40K to invest for Max likely in an education fund for Max that I can use for tuition in the likely event I end up sending him to private schools because unless I can get him into a good local charter school that is what I will need to do. I'm thinking I may be able to make more on the money invested than the mortgage loan rate and it may be the smartest option to make the most of my money. I need to think about it some more and do some research.

I've also been feeling, well, a bit...horny...along with keyed up and restless. I haven't felt this way in a long while. Makes me wonder if it is a good fertility sign for the month and hope that maybe (even thought I know it is so darn unlikely, I can't seem to help hoping), just maybe, this cycle will be the one that gives me another miracle child.

Said, son, sure knows his mind

I ran Max ragged yesterday with an all day visit with a college friend who was in town visiting her sister for a long weekend. There were 3 two year olds (Max, one who turned 2 yesterday and one almost turning 3 if a few weeks), a 4 year old, and a 6 or 7 year old, not to mention lots of adults. We were supposed to go to the beach, but that never quite happened.

This morning, I asked Max if he wanted to go to church. He said, "Yes", "Restaurant", "with Nanna". So, we called Nanna and woke her up, and she met us at the restaurant after church.

He's still back to sleeping well and slept 12 hours last night (after having no nap yesterday) and went to nap (an hour later than usual at 1 pm, which I think I'm going to make as his new nap time) easily and is still sleeping.

Nanna came over after eating out and Max was so funny. He told her which chair he wanted her to sit in (the chair by the train table), gave her trains to play with and told her to play with him), then, "Nanna, Outside", "NANNA, OUTSIDE", where he told her how he wanted her to play with him out there. Until he wanted the slip in slide set up, then I was back on duty. It's funny and nice. And, really, what my mom needs because sometimes it is surprising that she raised 4 kids because often she doesn't really know how to interact with them. I think it made her feel good and happy and it was obvious that Max was happy. She decided to stay for dinner, which is fine, because she was quiet enough that I was also able to take a short nap and is in the other room reading letting me have more quiet time until Max's wakes up.

Success!

Crib tent arrived today on schedule and really wasn't too difficult to install. It would have taken much less time if it actually fit his crib the way it should. However, I think it fits good enough to do what is needed without dislodging. Max actually took to it exceedingly well. I was reading the instructions and he pointed to the picture and asked what it was, so I showed him and explained it was a crib tent and asked if he wanted it on his crib. He replied "yeah!" quite enthusiastically. He had a lot of fun holding the spare rods and running under the tent as I assembled it and we played a bit of peak a boo and such. Once I moved it into his room, he wanted in the crib and jumped up and down like a crazy boy for almost all of the time I was installing it. Then, he came out for a bit while I straightened up and got his milk ready. He wanted to read stories while he was in his crib instead of wandering around and leaving the room, which was actually quite nice as he seemed to actually be interested in the books for a change and asked me to read the opposite one three times to him. He did want to come out and cuddle with him in the rocking chair for a few minutes after brushing his teeth and singing our songs, then went back in the crib. He fussed a little and I sang him a few verses of twinkle twinkle and left the room still singing with the door open. I then didn't hear another peep out of him until I went to check on him an hour later and then only because I closed the door. It's funny, he has never wanted his door open before. Even when he was in the toddler bed when he left the room, he closed the door every time after himself. Now, since going back to the crib, he only wants it open. Fine for now. Really, the only big problem is when the phone rings it tends to wake him up. Anyway, when he started to fuss, I said, okay, sorry, I'll leave the door open and he settled and went right back to sleep. I'm really kind of surprised that he took the tent so well and seems to genuinely like it. I guess maybe it's a bit like dogs who have been crate trained* and it is their special spot. He happily went back to the crib from the toddler bed and seemed overjoyed with the tent on top. I guess another sign he really wasn't ready for the big boy bed. Ah, well, I guess on some things, you live and learn the hard way. And, I think we have another year with the security and safety of the crib, which is really what I wanted anyway.

* Forgot to add that I have never actually crate trained a dog and used to think it was mean and cruel, but the longer I have been around dogs the more I have seen that done right, the dogs love it. It is there special place to go if things become too much for them and the kids are bother or hurting them or they have a treat they don't want to have to defend from another dog. If I ever get another puppy, which is a big if and not something I think I will want or be willing to take on until Max is at least 10 or older, but if I do...I think I will crate train.

Max's 2 Year Ped Appointment

We had Max's 2 Year pediatrician appointment yesterday. It went fine. I was a bit nostalgic as we walked in, Max holding my hand and excited to see the "fish" which he apparently remembered. No need for baby carrier's or strollers or all the extra trappings of previous visits. Max also remembered the shots. As we were walking back to our room and rounded the corner, he said "no" and turned back. As we entered the room for the head, height, weight check, he just cried, cried, cried until the nurse left the room. He was fine with Dr. H and even said his name a few times, but of course, not when Dr. H was in the room. And, after he left, Max said, "more, Dr. H". Then, the nurse came and he got his Hep A shot, which he was less than trilled, but was over quick. We spent a bit of time in the waiting room looking at the fish one last time and playing with the toys since there was no chance on the way in since we got there right at our appointment time.

The stats are as follows:
Head - 19 1/2 in., 65%
Height - 37 in., 94%
Weight - 27 lbs 13 oz., 50%

Previously, he was 51% for head circ., 95% for length, and 30% for weight (18 mo.). So, in 6 months, he gained 3 lbs. and grew 3 inches.

We ate In and Out in the car on the way home, hung out a bit, and both went to bed early. He's slept peacefully all night long for the first time in forever and I've been up for hours. Both the dogs were a bit unsettled as well and City is always happy for middle of the night attention and activites after sun bathing all day, but they have settled after Shadow got up and drank some water and went outside for a potty break (she's having one of her bad days) and Nikki chased something out of our back yard (presumably a possium) and I'm still up and awake...sadly.

After lying awake for about an hour, I decided to get on the computer and one of the emails I read was that I think they found a new forever home for Nikki. The family doesn't have their home study until next Tuesday so it would be a week or so before she actually was adopted. It does seem like a good home for Nikki, but we will be sad to see her go. It appears to be a single woman, who only works three 12 hour days a week in an appartment with no other pets except a fish and who would get a dog walker for the days she works and would love Nikki to death the rest of the time. I kind of wanted to see her go to a man as I think she just lights up a bit more when they are around, but this would be a good home for her as long as she is fine with Nikki taking up residence on the couch when she is gone.

Feeling Blue

While blue is my favorite color, I don't especially like feeling this way. Just tired, drained, and hormonal...maybe even a tad depressed. Max is getting caught up on his sleep now that we are back to the crib*, but I'm still a bit short and getting broken sleep as he woke up a few times last night crying all but once he settled himself, but it still woke me up and took me awhile to settle back down.

Anyway, not much to say. I'm wondering if my left tube is closed from scar tissue from my last surgery, but not sure I want to bother to have it checked at this point. I think this because when Max sits on that side, it hurts. I've thought about calling and setting up a consult with another RE, but have decided that nothing he has to say will give me hope of a successful cycle with my own eggs. I'm thinking about DE, but can't seem to even any basic research like finding out the cycle dates in Nov. and Dec., making sure they will let me into the two cycle plan if I only want to transfer 1 embryo since it comes with included FET's for a year and is supposed to be a shared risk, let along figure out how to pay for it when money seems tight enough as it is right now or picking out a donor.

Really, I just want to cry. Like I said, blue is fine for color, but not so hot for a mood. And, my stupid Ice Road Trucker's series has come to an end so I have no mindless TV show to watch and no other mindless TV is all that appealing at the moment.


* To the commenter about the door handle cover to elevate night wanderings or leaving the room....the problem with that solution is that Max's door isn't hung properly and doesn't actually latch. This is a pain in more ways than one, like Shadow will just barge on in when the door is closed. Nikki, our foster dog, is way to polite for that and will never enter unless given permission. I wish I could break her of that and get her to use the doggie door. So, in order to use that solution, I would have a major project on my hands to fix his door, which should be done, but is low on my priority list.