I wish

I wish. I wish. I wish.

I wish I were happier about where I am in life right now, but I'm not.

I tell myself to just be happy with the child and the family that you have, but I can't...at least not for long.

I tell myself that with one child...

you will have much more free time and then think personal time, which I truly value, is over rated

you will have more money, but money doesn't buy happiness

life will be much easier, yet, easy isn't a priority for me

I remind myself that my genes aren't that great...

given my druthers, I would have been taller and thinner and maybe more confident and outgoing and at times, not so nice, yet, I'm sad of the prospect of not passing my genes on to another child...and that surprises me

I'm have a decent career and make decent money, but that was never my dream or goal in life. It happened while I waited for Mr. Right and for what I really wanted.

I've always wanted to be the Kool Aid Mom. The house where all the kids wanted to come. Where your own kids want to be. I want the caos, the dirt and mess, and the soccer games or little league, and the sleepless nights with a sick child, and the worry, and the smiles and the hugs and the laughter and the joy and the momma, mommy, MOM-MY a hundred times a day. Sure, even with one it gets tough some times, but I don't complain ...much. Being a mom has felt so right and so natural and so fulfilling.

Motherhood is all I dreamed it would be an more. Often, I wish I had started down this path earlier. Yet, I know deep inside, I wasn't ready and couldn't have done it at least not as well earlier. I have come to realize that I've always felt called to be a mom. And, never really called to be a wife, other than for achieving the end goal of being a mom.

I knew trying to have a child would be hard. I just never knew how hard. I always knew in my heart of hearts that Max was my miracle child. I just never thought he would be my only. I didn't think it would be easy, but I did think it would happen, eventually, if I tried hard and long enough.

I always, always, always knew I wanted more than one child.

I wish that sometimes dreams would come true.

Then, I remind myself that sometimes, when they don't...the outcome is better than you could have ever hoped and imagined.