Ouch!

It was bound to happen. Inevitable really. Actually, it is amazing that it hasn't happened before or earlier really. Knowing all of that didn't take away the sting. For the first time, Max wanted his nanny over me. It's nap time and I told him he couldn't watch "Orchestra", his Baby Einstein Meet the Orchestra DVD. Then, I made him take off his "shoes", his little Robbie? slippers that he found in his closet this morning that he hasn't warn since last winter and refused to take off this morning so wore them to school and wanted to wear them to bed. So, he was pretty angry with me. I just said okay, came into my office, closed the door to cry. Tempered only a tad that Noemi knocked on the door with him a few minutes later because he now wanted me. Silly to let a 2 year old hurt your feelings. I know this. Still it is much easier when it happens to someone else. To HEAR about it happening as opposed to experience it happening.

It doesn't help that I'm tired and already feeling hormonal. I'm counting today as cd2, although it could be either cd1 or cd3. I started spotting on Tuesday, a bit more on Wednesday, and today I have full flow. I'm missing Dr. N after talking for a few hours with another one of his patients on the phone last night. I'm afraid I have scar tissue on that left side that can cause problems with a DE cycle, or a cyst, or wondering what it is exactly that I'm feeling over on that left side and figuring it can't be good (and hoping that it isn't bad), and trying to decide whether I want to try a clomid cycle this month before signing a DE contract.

No one said motherhood would be easy, but sometimes it is harder than others in different ways. I won't lie. I love being number one in my son's life. And, I know that truly I still am, but boy...him wanting her, over me, even knowing all I know intellectually. It still hurt my feelings.

ETA: I called and scheduled an u/s for tomorrow afternoon. Would have actually like to get in today, but they are in cycle and I knew it probably wouldn't have been possible. Unlike in the beginning of this ttc process, I know that one day really isn't going to make a huge difference one way or another, especially if it is what I would consider best case and it is a cyst since it's clear I didn't ovulate last month.