Sick? (Edited)

Nora's struggling a bit. She looked tired and stressed today and her heart rate has been higher than they want it to be since last night. She wasn't really sleeping good today, at least not any time I was in with her. They took out the nose prongs on her oxygen and put a little mask over her nose in case her nose was sore that was causing it. They redid her IV line to make sure it was positioned correctly to see if that could be irritating her and causing the distress. They really don't know why she's off, but she is. The doc said she thinks maybe she is getting a virus or an infection even though Nora doesn't and hasn't had a temperature, her CBC (complete blood count) has been normal, and her lung x-ray looked fine. The doc is going to start her on antibiotics as a precaution and is repeating her CBC again. If that doesn't seem to work, they are going to give her a blood transfusion because her hematocrit numbers were a little low. I'll call in the middle of the night to see how she is doing. Probably, I am going to the hospital tomorrow afternoon to be with her a bit and see for myself how she is doing. First, I'm going to take Max to church and pray a bit. I'm worried about her. Sickness and infections in babes as young as she are not good, not good at all. Some can be fatal. That's why they are starting the antibiotics and testing her CBC as often. Fine with me. Please, please, please God, let her be okay.

Ray's doing great. I got to hold him twice today once for a really long time and for a complete feeding (which is 90 minutes) and then again for about another 30 minutes while I was waiting on the doc to check on Nora. Then, it was a rush home to have a quick dinner with Max who didn't eat, said he was cold when the house is at least 80 degrees, and said he had a tummy ache. Is Max getting something too? Or, was it just too much fun in the sun today and eating too much junk food with his Aunt today? Time will tell.

And, with the possible illness comes worry, worry, more worry. Did I wash my hands that last time I went from Nora's room to Ray's room? I'm obsessive about it, but can't actually remember. I saw that nurse from hell touch Nora on Monday several times without applying the antibacterial alcohol. Did she pass something on? Let it go. Even if so, nothing to be done now, and she is already gone for good so let it go. Did I bring something in from Max or home somehow? If so, it is more likely I would have passed it to Ray, not Nora since I've barely touched her all week. And, I'm pretty obsessive about washing my hands and applying the antibacterial alcohol and everyone in the house is under sticked orders to not touch any of my breast pump supplies that I sterilize after each use, not that it matters since Nora is on a low lactose formula, not breast milk. I'd actually feel better if she was on my milk since she is hit or miss on digesting the formula just as she was the breast milk. Maybe I'm going to ask if we can mix some of that in tomorrow depending on how things go tonight and tomorrow.

I'm tired and worried and sad. Please God, let my baby girl be okay. Please, please, please with sugar and honey and a cherry on top. She's so little and so vunerable. Please let this be nothing or just something minor...another little bump on the road to recovery and home. Pretty, pretty, pretty please?

Edited: As of 12:0 am, Nora's on antibiotics and being treated as if she has an infection even though her latest CBC was again normal. I guess Dr. K is going to hold off right now on the blood transfusion and see how Nora reacts to the antibiotics. Her heart rate is still a bit high, but the night nurse says she's on her tummy (her favorite position) and sleeping well/peacefully. Apparently, the day nurse had told her Nora had slept all day. I said, well, she had her eyes closed, but she wasn't really peaceful or in a deep sleep and I had mentioned to the day nurse about putting her tummy down because it did seem to calm her and was told that would happen after her feeding when I left and didn't happen. I'm up pumping because Max woke up crying for unknown reasons. He did feel a bit warm, but I didn't take his temp or give him Tylenol because he has seemed to go back to sleep after cuddling with me for a few and a diaper change and more milk. As I told the night nurse, I'll probably call back at the end of shift just to see how Nora is doing (and will check on Ray then as well).