Back to the little things....

My milk production is up. I'm getting about 30 cc's from each pump session. I'm feeling really good about this. It's one of the few things I can do, provide my milk for my babies. Having the neonatologist impressed made me feel even better. The topic came up when he told me the medicine seems to have worked; Nora's heart murmur is gone; and, she is going to begin food, but he is only going to give her breast milk. I've been able to stock pile the last day or two and my production is up so we will see if I'm able to keep up with demand. All good news there.

Ray is getting food three times a day now with a schedule of 9 am (which I was there for), 1 pm and 5 pm, basically every four hours. I made a point of checking the schedule, keeping my eating and pumping on a schedule (forgoing a shower) to make sure I was back in the NICU at least 5 minutes before 1 so I could be there for it. And, the nurse had already fed him. Bam! Just like that I was in tears and down. What was to be the highlight of my day, is just something else that needs to get done and off her list. I get that, but was still very disappointed. So, I changed his diaper, said a quick hi to Nora and came to have a good cry in the shower. I think she felt bad and made some comment about how I'll get to do a lot of that in his future. I get that. I realize that she thinks it is no big deal, and for her it really isn't. It's about 20 seconds in her day. Nothing, less than nothing to her. She gets to do so much and I so little for them. I was disappointed and am not going to feel guilty for feeling and showing it. She told me 1, I was there before 1 and it is done and over so I'm letting it go. There are very few things that I get to do that make me feel like a mom right now. That's one of them.

My sister just called. She's on her way and should be here in an hour. I'm going to go spend it in the NICU probably crying. Then, the dreaded pack up and leave.

Oh, this is hard. It is a roller coaster. It is emotional and I'm not going to pretend it isn't no matter how uncomfortable the emotions may be for others to see. I'm allowed to go from happy to sad and back again in 2.5 seconds. I just need to take a deep breath, remind myself that, and allow myself to feel.