I'm home

I'm home and tired and can't sleep and can't even cry myself to sleep. No Ambien for me tonight. With it, I was at least getting 4 hours of sleep in the hospital. Even if I had some, I don't think I'd take it while home with Max because I'm not sure I'd wake up if he needed me to. Probably, I would, but I'd never chance it. I just took some benedryl. Maybe that will help. I kept dozing off while pumping. Yet, as soon as I froze the milk and got back in bed, I just couldn't drift off.

Both my sister and Max are coughing. All I can think and pray is that I don't get it because then I couldn't see the twins. Overall, my home coming was fine. I didn't start crying until I had offically gone to bed for the night. The presents for Max from his sister and brother was a big hit. They got him twin little doll babies with a stroller we can't figure how to get the wheels on, and a doll accessory kit with sippy cups, bottles, a diaper, bibs, a "potty" and things like that. He took them to bed with him.

Here is a picture of Nora and Ray just before I left the hospital. They took off the bili masks so I could snap away. Today was the first time I got to see them open their eyes. Normally, there faces and heads are covered since they are under the bili lights for jaundice.

I think the hardest part of coming home was feeling like to everyone else the twins don't exist because they aren't home with me. My sister who picked me up was freaked out by seeing them, not that she told me this, but she barely looked at them, get close to them or talk at all the entire time we were in the NICU. I tried not to look at the expression on her face. It wasn't quite revolution. The sister that was watching Max didn't ask after them, to see a picture, or really acknowledge them in any way. Out of sight, out of mind. I should have stayed off the computer. My cousin who I was so looking forward to coming basically said she wasn't sure she wanted to come the entire time, did I really need her, and her daughter and friends were complaining she was going to be gone for so long. I responded that I didn't want her to feel like she was a hostage by my situation, that she should make whatever plans she wanted and I would readjust based on that, and that I'd be happy for any support and help she wanted to give. I told her that I was really looking forward to her coming next week, but to let me know ASAP if she wasn't so I could mentally and emotionally adjust.

I'm just feeling raw and tired. I want the twins to be "real" to everyone else too even though they can't see them. I want other to care and ask how they are doing and be interested that Nora was given breast milk today and all the other silly little details of their progress.

I've decided that I'm going to take pictures each Wednesday to track their progress.

I must sleep. Tomorrow is another long day.

Nora

Ray