Mind Games

Mostly, I have been very zen and calm about this whole possibility of early delivery and pre-term labor.

Partially because I strongly suspect the same thing happened when I was pregnant with Max when I didn't go into active labor until we induced by breaking my water at 37 weeks. * Now, granted, this is a much more high risk pregnancy, with more issue, but I was more active then hiking at least an hour every day with a head in the down and ready pressing on my cervix for quite a while as well. So, I'm thinking and hoping the same thing may happen again. I will fully appreciate the irony if I never go into active labor and we decide to induce again (or schedule a c-section). Part of me wishes we had checked me earlier last time for a baseline. Part of me is glad we didn't so I can hold on to my delusions, if that is what they are.

Partially because, really, there isn't much else to do but take it easy and wait to see how it all plays out. Like most of my life, I will live in such a way that I will have no regrets if I do go into PTL. Even as I know that studies have not shown bed rest to really make a difference and is prescribed as more of a "can't hurt and may help", I will comply as best as possible since the stakes are pretty high at this point.

Having said all that random thoughts do challenge my serenity at times. Such as.....

• What if I really am having contractions and just don't realize it?
• When is the last time I felt the babies move? What are the odds that the steroid shot could have actually killed them instead of help them develop faster?
• Can the babies grow faster than my uterus can expand? Any chance it will just explode like a balloon?
• Too much amniotic fluid can be a problem, maybe I should go read up on why that is and what causes it because I don't seem to be pee'ng out as much as I'm drinking in right now.
• Is that mucus on the toilet tissue or just a shadow? Have I lost my mucus plug?
  
• I'll not be surprised at all if my next appointment shows that I've started dilating because when I sit to pee it just feels so open and like something, namely a baby, could just slide right out. Thank goodness you have actually gone through labor and know that it doesn't really happen like that, or at least the odds are pretty darn low, probably low enough that you don't need to keep the phone by the toilet to call 911 just in case.
• But, you don't even know if you have started dilating, you could be/probably just are psyching yourself out. Just wait until Thursday's appointment to see what's up.
  

Even with taking it all in stride, can't help but worry a tad bit here and there, but mostly just getting on. Now, if I really do start having contractions, I'll probably flip out and all semblance of calm, cool, and collected will be gone. Just enough of a healthy concern to keep me in line and taking it easy.

Can you believe it is already over a week since I was put on bed rest? A week since election day and the start of my hospital stay. It really has gone much faster then I ever thought possible.


* Since it wasn't a high risk pregnancy, the first time my OB checked was at 34 weeks and only on a whim since every pregnant woman she had seen that day was dilated, presumably because of some low pressure system coming through. I was 100% effaced, 4 cm dilated, and Max's head was "right there". I was put on bed rest from weeks 34 - 36. When she let me up, she offered to send me over to the hospital and to induce and have the baby before the weekend. I declined, did a bunch of things, decided to induce a week later for a lot of reasons. I was 5 cm dilated when she broke my water about 2:30 pm on Wednesday, August 17 and Max was delivered at 11:01 pm.