Maybe

Today was a dex day. Can't sleep. Not even close to being able to sleep. Today is now tomorrow so that isn't a good thing at all.

As previously mentioned at nauseum the last few days, my favorite game during a 2ww is the "Am I? Am I not?" game. The answer I keep coming back to for this cycle is...maybe. That may seem like a good thing, but actually has me more worried than a definitive yes or no.

Here's why....

I've done a lot of cycles. Too many cycles to even remember them all. Sure, there are a few that stand out more than others, but so many of them are just a big blur even though at the time I thought I would never forget a single detail. But, one thing I do remember that stands out clear as day is that I have never, ever, ever, actually been pregnant in a cycle where the answer was maybe. Ever.

I have had 3 pregnancies (1. m/c 2. Max 3. m/c).

In my first pregnancy, I did not think I was pregnant. I did HPT's, cause it was my second IUI cycle and I was still innocent and pure in the process, and came up with negatives, even with a beta that was high enough that should have shown up on an HPT. The am I/am I not answer was a resounding NO.

In my second pregnancy, the good one that resulted in Max, I was so sure I wasn't pregnant, that it never even entered my mind to HPT (much more jaded by then and a precedence that it didn't matter for me anyway). I was so sure it didn't work, I had a consult with my RE while in for the beta and moved sperm for my next two cycles.

In my third cycle, I was almost positive I was pregnant. My sense of smell was too acute the same way it was with my pregnancy with Max. The nurse that does the blood draws usually asks me as she's drawing whether I think I am or am not. This was the only time I said, yes, I thought I was and would be shocked if the beta came back otherwise.

Maybe may sound good and hopeful, but really, it is very, very bad. Maybe is not good at all. Maybe has me worried that like all the other maybes it is really no, but I'm just hoping and wanting a yes so badly that I can't see the writing on the wall.

B - 3 (my 3 day count down to beta, not that I AM counting or anything...yeah, right)

Ah, this ttc process, especially 2ww's can be such a mind fuck. I'd rather have a no and be pleasantly surprised than a maybe, that is really (like it always has been) a no. I think I need to stop playing this game for awhile. It's starting to not be fun and stress me out a bit.