Brotherly Love and Big Boy Bikes

From this morning, Max feeding R. N was dumped on the carpet to feed herself while I fetched the camera. :)


Max riding his new big boy bike in long pants and long sleeve shirt two sizes too small in the middle of the hottest month of the year that he pulled out when he dressed himself.

R and N from a few weeks ago at Max's 4th Birthday Party.

Me reading to Max, as we do every night, on his Birthday after a busy day and a busy weekend.

Today, we have heat (around 105 - 107) and fires on the horizon (but thankfully air quality pretty good where I'm at but the clouds are quite impressive, and two pool parties (the first I took the twins and the second I didn't at the last minute because of the heat...neither place had a pool fence up). I'm so wiped I'm leaving the house a wreck (which is a noteworthy rare occurrence as I can't remember the last time I didn't rally so I didn't have to face it in the morning), including the unwashed high chair trays (my mom watched the twins for me and fed them dinner, but did zero clean up and the house was in way worse shape than when I left and it was pretty bad when I left). But, I'm tired and going to bed, I don't care that it isn't even 8 pm. It was a fun, busy, summer day and hauling kids and having fun can wipe a girl out. Plus, Max ended up in my bed last night fairly early which means that my sleep was broken and my back aches (since he leans into me and I end up sleep in strange positions to try to get comfortable/away from the heat he generates...moving away or changing sides does not because like a beacon he finds me).

Me, at the beach, after the zoo and train ride on Max's birthday. A picture where you can't see my wrinkles because of the glasses or the too padded middle. Just a snapshot in time, but I'll take it and pretend that I look this good all the time these days. :0

Liar, Liar, Pants on fire

I lied to my son today. On purpose. With (almost) no remorse.

Desperate times call for desperate measures and I wad desperate to get him out of the house.

I think we will all be glad when school starts back up next week.

I had planned on sending Max to MyGym camp all week this week. He did two weeks last year, but with his birthday and a trip to San Diego last week. I had only planned for this week. Then, he didn't really want to go. And, they changed the time to start 1.5 hours later and go 1.5 hours later which made it harder for my work schedule. And, money is tight right now so I said fine.

Things have actually gone better than I thought, but by yesterday he was pretty sick of me telling him I had to work and to leave me alone and I was pretty sick of telling him that I had to work and to leave me alone. And, work is busy and I'm tired and I just needed him out of the house and a bit tired out. Noemi, even though I've specifically asked, has spent little interactive time with him as when the twins are awake they consume the focus and when they are asleep she wants to make a dent in the mess created with 3 kids home all day. As par for the course, N and Max get along and bond well and Max looks out for her (read - takes things away from R to give to N, calling himself "the grabber"). R and Max are either having a grand time (usually when they are up to trouble) or R is trying to play with Max, destroy what he is working on, or take things away and Max doesn't "like that R, your mean, go away from me, stop" and unless there is intervention someone (read R) ends up hurt. We've partitioned the house so that Max gets the train table, front door/entry way and my bedroom/bathroom. The twins get the rest, unless Max wants to play with them or what they are playing with or whatever.

Anyway, we talked yesterday and he said he wanted to go to the class today, my meeting was such that I could take him, they had space, it would be the best $40 I have spent all week. Until, he found out that his old PT was coming and he wouldn't see her and he changed his mind and I didn't want a battle. So, I lied. He ultimately believed me, but he was a tad suspicious.

Me: Max, Doreen isn't coming today so you aren't going to miss her.
Max: Why?
Me: (thinking quickly) Ah, something about her car or her husbands car needing to be in the shop so she didn't have a way to get her.
Max: We have a car she could use.
Me: But, she would need to get here to be able to use the car and it doesn't work that way.
Max: We could go get her.
Me: She lives to far for to do that.
Max: (thinking, thinking, thinking for a bit) When?
Me: When what?
Max: When did Doreen call and tell you that she couldn't come? (as the phone hadn't rung all morning)
Me: Oh, when you were outside talking to Bill (the pool guy)

Sheesh. Good thing I don't make a habit of lying. That kid can connect the dots and extrapolate like no tomorrow.

Anyway, he's home now. Had a good time. Said he would like to go again/next vacation...pause....as long as Mario (early intervention specialist) or Doreen (OT) weren't expected and he wouldn't miss them.

Hey, it was for a good cause even if the end doesn't justify the means. I'd like to say it wasn't so, but I'd do it all over again.

TGIF.

Life is overall good. Busy. Long work hours on both ends of the day. So many broken things around here that need to be fixed. Money is tight. Max turned 4. Party was good. He got a new big boy bike which he likes (have a few pics, but no time to even off-load), but he only really wants to ride it when I'm around. And, I haven't had as much of it. R covets the bike and will carress and touch it when Max isn't around to yell at him. Both N and R watch with avid facination and what looks to be a little envy.

Boring work meeting is over. Back to finish up some real work and go spend time with the kids before dinner/bed.

Ha

At least for the moment, I've outsmarted the twins. I evaluated the difficulty settling to sleep situation that has been escalating over the last week and dragged on for 3 hours last night. R almost always falls asleep before N. She then becomes bored of playing whatever is in her crib or destroying a new board book, then falls asleep when she is good and ready.

My belief of what was occurring is that were feeding off each other and playing and talking across the room. I thought about separating them, but the problem is that the crib in my room isn't full size and it doesn't have a crib tent. To be successful, R would have to be the one to move. No way would N go for it, just wouldn't happen. And, I don't really want to invest in another full size crib and crib tent for my room unless absolutely necessary. A quick ponder of moving one of the twins into Max's room was quickly ruled out as guaranteed to make the situation worse at this point in time, although when the twins are old enough to leave the crib I do plan on putting all three in the same room for a few years..or at least that is the current plan.

I decided to try the simplest approach as possible...putting a blanket on the side of R's crib so the twins couldn't see each other unless they were standing up. Worked like a charm. Ha, take that. Score one for mom. Now, I'll just be hoping it wasn't a fluke.

Unbelievable

I'm not sure what is more unbelievable at the moment....

the fact that I am sitting here pumping and still have milk when I haven't pumped in over 11 days now. No, I'm not planning on starting back up. I'm just in pain. I have a clogged duct in my lower right outside of my breast that really has to be drained to prevent infection and put me out of my misery only made worse by the fact that I took and elbow to that very region while doing bedtime routine with Max. I've suspected that I still had milk, although after just being sore for a few days things have been fine, no problems, no engorgement, no real discomfort. Then, over the weekend, I felt my milk come down again for some reason, thought I must have imagined it, until today when things got progressively more uncomfortable. I hadn't really planned on it until I realized that no matter how tired I am I don't think I could get a good night sleep feeling the way I do.


the fact that the twins did not fall asleep until almost 3 hours after bedtime. Completely unacceptable. I will have a stern talk with them in the morning, but for tonight I just concentrated on pulling up my reserve of calm and patience. They just could not settle. They talked and babbled and played and just got strung out and couldn't sooth to sleep. A lot of repeated intervention was needed. Max also had trouble settling tonight, but it only took him an hour past bedtime and one extra round of cuddles and nodded off just in time to take a late work meeting. All this after Max spent the majority of the night in bed with me which means I had way more wakings than usual and was already extra tired.

in other news, Max continues to be the diaper police. He set an edict about a month ago that N gets the "bird" diapers and R the "butterfly" ones, because N likes birds and she is his beautiful girl. When it isn't annoying, it is hilarious because he actually checks and reprimands Noemi and I when we forget. I have to say, he does have me trained at this point on the diaper issue. However, we have been able to convince him that no matter how much he would like otherwise, N is going in the blue highchair instead of his old one because the blue one is cloth and the other cleans up easier because R eats like Max...meaning that he is a complete slob and gets food everywhere (which is funnier when you are not the one cleaning it up) and R can get out of the straps on the blue one and pull to a stand so it is as much if not more a safety issue.

i played hooky from work today to drop off the paperwork for my living will/trust that I've had for ages, drop off books/pick up a book from the library, get a few documents notarized including request for the twins birth certificates, stopped in at the pharmacy, and a quick trip into a grocery store for cup cake tins for Max's class on Friday. I will pay the piper tomorrow but feeling good about getting some of that stuff off my list.

or, how much milk I just pumped out. A total of 9 oz...5 from the one giving me the trouble and 4 from the other. That is an ounce more than my typical average and almost double what I was getting at the point I stopped. I hope this takes care of the blocked duct. Good thing I only thought about giving away my pump this weekend before thinking I may try to make some money by selling it on craigs list.

I guess the fact that I still had milk and how much I pumped is topping the amazing list now that I've had a chance to ponder it. If I had any time or energy I'd go look it up, but thought that after that long, surly I should have dried up.

Poor Home Bodies

I realized this morning as we drove to a friends for lunch that the twins are pretty insulated, sheltered, don't get to go places very often. Other than church or doctors offices or the occasional trips to the park with Noemi or walks around the neighborhood, they really haven't been out and about much. I'd feel guiltier except that not only is it just so hard (although getting easier and easier) to pack up and get out, they were preemies I was trying to keep as healthy as possible their first winter. They warmed up after about 20 minutes or so. It was fun and I was able to have about 2 conversations amid the caous before eating quickly and backing up to head home to get the twins for a nap. What was I thinking even hauling the swim gear? Luckily, Max was able to stay with my cousin and swim of which I'm only slightly envious about as with the twins napping and Max swimming I could have actually sat and talked a minute. Oh well, ce la vie, this phase too shall pass soon enough. And, I took a bit of a rest and now must go tackle some chores while I have a chance before the sleeping beauties wake.

Less of a secret

One of the things I have done this summer is host a few parties because I like to and have a nice backyard for that sort of thing. One of the parties I hosted was a group of local single mom by choice women. It was a smaller more intimate group where it is easy to sit in a group and talk to everyone as a group, which is how I like it. Most of the women in attendance were pregnant and most with donor egg or embryo. So, there was a lot of fertility talk, talk about DE, and such.

Also in attendance was my mom (to help with the twins) and my sister from NJ who happened to be visiting that weekend at the last minute with her family. The single mom gathering had been on the books for months and months.

Since I've missed many of our monthly get togethers over the last year or so with a difficult pregnancy, preemie twins in or just out of the hospital, and life revolving around nap schedules I didn't know many of the women well and I'm pretty sure that only 1 knew that I used DE for the twins and I whispered to her that my family didn't know that I used DE. All that to say that while there was a lot of fertility and DE talk, none of it was specifically around me, my kids, or the twins.

This did not stop my mom and my sister from sitting me down after everyone left and the kids were in bed and ask me straight out if I had used DE for the twins. I gave them a straight answer.

The fact that I used DE isn't a secret per se. It just never really came up. By the time I moved to DE, I had so many failed cycles and been trying for so long that I just didn't want to talk about the details with anyone anymore. Plus, I feel pretty strongly that the twins need to know and I need to talk to them about it first rather than hearing it from someone/anyone else. I feel this is especially true since Max was conceived with my eggs and the twins were not. I don't want something thrown in the twins face by a sibling (read Max) being a stinker.

All in all, I'm pretty apathetic around the fact that my mom and sister knows other than my family is terrible about spredding gossip so I need to assume now that every relative both close and not now knows. I hope that everyone respects my desire to tell the twins when they are ready* and that this is their story. Other than that, no big deal really.

* I have heard that around 6 years is the age for children to process and have a book checked out from the library that is supposed to be good in aiding the discussion. Still need to actually look at that book.

Heard around the house

If you were a fly following us around today, you might have heard the following.

This morning:
Max: Where's that man?
Me: What man?
Max: Where's the man that (blah blah blah...couldn't understand what he said)
Me: The man that put up the sign? (since I had no idea what he was talking about/said?
Max: No, the one with the seed.
Me: Oh, the donor? The man that donated the seed to help make you?
Max: Yes
Me: I don't know. He was a nice man that donated a seed. When you are 18 if you want to meet him, you can if it works out. I don't know where he is right now. He was a police officer, in Northern California I think, going to school at the time he gave the seed. Northern California is on the other side of the state. We live in Southern California.
Max: And, Aunt TT lives in Southern California now too.
Me: Yes, she and Uncle Jim and CC live even more south.

This evening:
Max: (picking up a wooden puzzle piece in the shape of a police car while we were doing the twin bed time routine) Is this a picture of the donor's car? Is his car like this?
Me: It is not a picture of his car and I don't know if he had a car like this.

Interspersed throughout the day...
Max: ....well, my daddy told me that when I was a baby, that's how I know that
almost always said to some outlandish thing that he made up like ...
Max: cheese sticks are a vegetable
Me: No, cheese sticks are a protein
Max: well, my daddy told me that cheese was a vegetable when I was a baby and I remember that so I'm right.

or

Max: I get to drive a car when I'm 4 years old.
Me: People are not allowed to drive until they are at least 16 years old and can show that they know and can follow all of the traffic rules.
Max: Well, my daddy told me that I can drive when I'm 4 when I was 2 years old and I remember.
Me: Hmmmm.

or

Max: I'm going to drink this the fastest. I'm going to win for my brother and sister.
Me: Eating and drinking is not a race.
Max: Yes it is. My dad told me that eating was a race when I was a baby and I remember.

etc. and so on

He is not upset. Just more matter of fact. Questioning in things and making things up that are hard to argue about because even at three he is bound and determined to get the last word as in "yes, I do to have a daddy" or "yes, he did tell me that" or whatever. The most effective strategy is to either acknowledge with a hmmm or just not engage in this crazy 'my daddy told me when I was a baby talk' cause there is no winning and he will just argue to argue and I refuse. I'm half convinced he just does it to be adversarial and dare me into refuting it.

Done.

I'm done with pumping and feeling quite melancholy about it actually. It's time. I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't time, but I'm still feeling sad and hormonal over it. Yes, I was happy this weekend (stopped/didn't pump Friday night...I worked until 10 pm instead) when I got to sleep in until 5:30 am Saturday, but over all...I could cry. I did pump a bit Saturday afternoon because I was in pain. Now, I'm just sore. I'm so tempted, as tired as I was of it, to do it just one more time, like an addict, but that will just drag it out. The thing is, this need and desire to pump and keep the milk flowing is all for me. The babies aren't even babies anymore really. They scoff at and refuse baby food because it is so babyish...and they want to do it themselves gosh darn it. Give them breast milk, cow milk, formula, whatever, they are fine and happy.

I've come to realize this isn't about them.

It's about me. I've secretly harbored this fantasy that as they grew, they would decided that breast is best and want to nurse if nothing else for comfort. Hasn't happened. It's not going to happen. I still feel so gypped about not getting to breast feed them.

It about them being born so early and in the NICU for so long. It's about how at that time there was so little I could do for them to make me feel like their mom other than provide as much milk as possible and give them as much time as could.

It's about the fact that I'm done having babies. Done. Over. Finished. Never to go there again. One was a miracle and a dream come true. Two was more than a blessing and an answer to prayers. Three was the bonus ...that which I didn't really want, but now would never want to live without. The icing on the cake to make our family complete.

It's about the fact that I haven't had my monthly menses since October or November 2007. I haven't missed it. I don't want it back. I don't want the reminder that menopause is around the corner. I don't want the reminder that my ovaries let me down. I don't want to remember all those years of ttc or the failures.

It's about habits and routines and something becoming so much a part of me and my life. And, oddly, while it's mainly about me, it's not totally about me. Max is being affected by the change. As much as he cried and hated it and tried to pull apart the pump when I first started way back 14 1/2 months ago, he's affected by my stopping as well. I've pumped for over 1/3 of his life. The very, very first thing he said to me this morning as he woke up late and came rushing out of his room in a panic was "you didn't start pumping already, I wanted you to wait for me" as he started to cry and throw a fit. And, I reminded him that he didn't miss it, I'm not pumping anymore.

It's about the fact that I may never get to sit down, especially on weekends, again. Pumping was forced down time. Time to sit and have a drink of water or tea. Check out email and keep up with a few things online. Time to take a break, cuddle with Max, rest awhile...all for a worthy cause of breast milk for the babies.

It's about the fact that by all accounts, the babies don't need it anymore. It's about them growing up so fast. As much as I'm happy they are out of that baby phase and things are just getting so much easier, there is a finality to this. There is no going back. Done is done forever more.

I'm done and no matter how right the decision. I'm feeling the blues.

And, that is why I'm going to become a waffle connoisseur and am going to keep practicing and trying new recipes and fine tuning so much that when they are teens I'm not even going to need a recipe anymore. And, that is why I was up late Saturday night making waffles for Sunday breakfast (and to freeze) and meatloaf for Sunday dinner and baking chicken for today. Maybe I'm going to inspire myself to pull out my grandma's home made cinnamon twist recipe and perfect that as well. They won't remember the breast milk, maybe they will remember that and feel love and comfort when they are grown.

I could pump for another month or longer, but until when and why? I can use the extra time now, although now that I'm stopping it doesn't seem like that much work or effort anymore. The grass is always greener kind of thing.

Weaning Max at 7 months to start to ttc was the most traumatic part of his babyhood for me. The only thing that got me through was the fact I may get a second chance. I did and I didn't. I'm not about regrets. I'm about making the best decision I can at the time and moving on. However, I'm pretty sure if I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have weaned him then. I wouldn't have couldn't have given it up. Yada Yada, I know I had to so I could try and fail and try and fail ad nausium until I was ready to move on to donor egg.

Instead of making me feel better by purging and forgetting, I think this is making me feel worse. Maybe some day, I'll get over this dream, this fantasy, this longing for that which will never be. No more.

Done.

Where for art thou?

Working - First meeting of the day starts at 6:30 am local time. Last meeting of the day several nights a week 8 pm. It will suck even more next month when I and everyone else in my group/on my team does this for significantly less money as all of our job codes and salaries are being adjusted.

Family - Spending as much time in between with the kids, taking sick R to the peds to confirm yet another double ear infection and start antibiotics. Got into Max's classroom to make an "ocean in a bottle" which was a big hit and most kids wanted two. I'm psyching myself up to spend more time with all three of my children since I will likely have to cut the nannies hours/pay less in attempt to make up for some of the difference in my reduced pay.

Extended Family - I've had a fair amount of visitors/company with my sister and her family in town. my cousins husband who has already moved out for his new job, and now my cousin and her youngest who are here with a friend. The older kids are driving the cars out.

So far so good

N is completely off of phenobarbital now and doing quite well. Maybe the OT was right and the had banging/tapping was related to having a head cold as it only happened those two days. The early childhood development therapist didn't seem to think it was sensory as much as she is now starting to be more aware of her body, including her head now that she isn't under the influence.

Max has mostly been dry at night, I thought except for once until tonight when I went to put him to bed and found a wet pair of PJ bottoms on his bedroom floor. I guess that's why he woke up so early this morning. I didn't realize it because he had put on a different/new pair before coming into my bed.

I'm up making waffles, because I've been wanting too all day and didn't get the chance. I was almost too tired to even clean up the kitchen after the kids went down, but made myself since the dishwasher really needed to be run. I'm glad I rallied. The waffle iron and I are still getting to know each other and I keep trying different recipes that cook differently, but all good so far. We will see how this batch freezes. I think I'm going to look around for another iron or two so I can cook more at one time. Freecyle here I come...when I get a spare minute or two.

Swing me, Rock me, Bounce Me

Higher, faster, wilder

N started doing some mild head banging yesterday. Okay, it was more like rocking her head into what was ever behind her. Not hard, more like a tap, but it still didn't thrill me. I picked her up and put her in the excersaucer so she could bounce. OT came today and witnessed it. She didn't seem concerned and said she could be doing it because her head is stuffy, etc. and we would have to wait to see if it was truly a sensory issue. She said the excersaucer was a good choice and we walked around the house and talked about other alternatives like the excerball, the swing (which she doesn't really like because it doesn't swing wild or high enough for her), the pool, bouncing in the pool, the rocking horse, etc. In spite of what the OT says, my gut tells me sensory. I remember distinctly thinking sensory months 3 - 6 when she was first home with the hospital when she would not cuddle/fall asleep in your arms and spent many full or parts of night in the swing. I have the Out of Sync Child (or something like that) checked out from the library so my mind can research what my instinct is telling me. Now, to only have the time and energy to actually open and read it at the end of the day.

Speaking of swings, N is asleep in one right now. Sadly, the battery operated swing part of that no longer swings. The manual swing method got old after 5 minutes. However, she seems to have fallen asleep, hopefully for the night, in the amount of time it took me to go to the neighbors to reborrow their swing that I had returned months ago. Maybe we wont need it after all, but I'm glad I have it in reserve...just in case. Life is so much better with a halfway decent night sleep.

ps. I never really would resort to violence on my poor (probably not so innocent) cat, but I do think about it on occassion, like now when he is meowing and bugging me when I just want a bit of peace and quiet at the end of a long, busy day. At least this time, I know why. I've moved his water bowl. I've shown him where its new spot it, but he isn't thrilled. The problem with the old spot is that it was in the master bathroom and with the babies moble, the bathroom door gets closed off for most of the day so he doesn't have access to it. The new spot is on the table right next to his food and the other water bowl he refuses to use. I can tell a power struggle is going to ensue. I'm prepared to win this one this time. He keeps at it, he will be banned for the night.

Got Snot?

Plenty of buggers to be had around here along with sneezes, coughs, body aches, and such.

Max, undies, and bed were all dry this morning. I praised him for "knowing his body" and when it was ready.

On Weaning

We are in week 5.5 of the 6 week wean of N from phenobarbital. It is going fine because of there have been no seizures. However, it has unmasked some sensory stuff. Mostly rocking and difficultly soothing to sleep. The self soothing to sleep wasn't too bad until we hit the 1 cc/ml mark. The last few days have been bad. Tonight was awful. Thank goodness for the OT who has given me some good tips that have helped probably making it less bad that it could have been.

With the new high stress job, the lack of sleep, and now the sickness/cold thing I have going on (we all sound like we may be headed that way...pisses me off because we were on a nice healthy streak until I had to take R to the 'ficken doctors this week and had to to take Max for logistical reasons...and no matter how much stuff you don't touch and how you clean the hands, etc. seems like we end up sick after every appointment) my milk supply is WAY down. I keep telling myself I should just give it up. It's a sign that it is time to just stop. But, the stubborn streak in me doesn't care how much easier it would make my life and the fact that it would reduce the some of the stress in my life. Bottom line is I wanted/want to make it until the fall and I don't want to be all resentful later in life that I didn't especially for a stupid job. I may still just stop one day. I almost did tonight, but I can be a stubborn ole goat sometimes.

In spite of it all, it was a very pleasant and almost relaxing weekend. I had company for part of it (cousin's husband), got stuff done around the house (mostly before he got here), hosted a party, and really forgot about work and the work stresses for most of it. It's been hot, hot, hot. But, we've been out enjoying the pool and the warm lazy afternoons with friends relaxes me. We even made it to church today with and extra set of helping hands, it wasn't too bad.

Max is in just undies tonight. He didn't want to wear a pull up and told me he will get up to use the potty. And, he HAS been dry most of the last 7 days. In spite of my fear that he is going to wake up wet and in my bed waking me up in the middle of the night so I get less sleep than the little I have been getting, I let him do it and hope for the best.

True or False

1) Debbie had started work today with a 6:30 am meeting.
2) Debbie had back to back meetings all day such that she could not take her preschooler to school.
3) Debbie is on day 3 of a new job managing a project that is 7 months into an 18 month schedule. The schedule shows we are 60% through our work and 80% through our effort. Everyone assumes this is wrong. We are 2 weeks away from quarterly client deliverable and no one knows whether we are really on track to meet them.
4) Debbie will have a 6:30 am weekday meeting for the foreseeable future.
5) Debbie will have back to back meetings such that she can not take her preschooler to school for the foreseeable future.
6) Debbie discovers that the nanny has left Max home, because he didn't want to go and I was home, while she gave the twins their morning walk.
7) N does not sleep as planned during morning nap and instead screams her head off, which is a problem because a) nanny has taken Max to school and to pick up a Rx refill needed for tonight b) Debbie is supposed to be working c) the handset battery on the phone is shot so has the call on conference.
8) R finally gets offically taken off of O2 and apnea monitor.
9) R decides he doesn't like his pulminologist and screams for every little thing like the stethiscope, the ear check.
10) R got so upset that he gagged and vomited (in his mothers quick hands) during the throat check.
11) The wait at the doctors took forever and we got home significantly after the nanny was supposed to leave.
12) Debbie anticipated a potential late return and picked up Max and took him with because we are running with one car right now meaning she had two kids in tow to wait forever and to manage all while trying to talk to the doctor.

If you guessed 12 true 0 false, you are a winner. Stress level is a tad high around here.

In other news, feel free to go vote for Ms. N*O*R*A...
http://radiobase1.clearchannel.com/front/image_contest2.asp?VT=Date&Action=Detail&Type=Count&SurveyID=15592&zx=293&SubID=&ImgID=41338

Max's teacher talked me into entering her into a cutest baby contest. Speaking of N, I could probably do a whole post on her if I had the time and energy. Overall, she is doing great. She is now crawling and picking up speed. Standing, but hasn't mastered/figured out how to get back down. We have weaned her down to 2cc's/ml's of phenobarbital and go to 1cc/ml on Thursday. Some sensory stuff has started to surface along the weaning path. I'm so so so glad I fought and got OT started for N before the funding was cut and it didn't happen. Nothing to major...a lot of rocking and some difficulty falling asleep. OT has given good techniques that are helping.

Just because

There something a bit decadent and scandalous of imbibing while pumping almost ...shall we say...naked while watching a silly reality show (Ice Road Truckers).

Why? Just because. The bubbly has been in the fridge for ages and ages. It's a GOOD bottle too. Now, a big chocolate bar would have only put things over the top so probably a good thing I don't have one in the house.

R's climbing. N's crawling. Max is swimming.

Overall, a good weekend. A friend over on Friday. Some family and neighbors over on Saturday. Solo all day today. Sitting on the other side of the day, I can say that it really wasn't that bad. Although, we skipped church in favor of naps. And, no, there were no firework events planned or attended. Hey, it's past bedtime. There will be many years in the future for such festivities. Just not worth it right now when they are so young and I'm running solo.

Now, off to savor the bubbly. Just because it sounded good and is tasting even better.

It's 6:10 pm

It's 6:10 pm Sunday night. Do you know where your children are? Mine are asleep, asleep, asleep. We rally'd and made it to church, the 9 am service which meant the twins only got 1 nap, not 2 today. I've tried the 11 am, but...it just doesn't seem to work as well as skipping a nap. N can hang no problem. R starts loosing it towards the end. Max had lots of swimming in the pool today and he's out as well. I could do the dishes, but...I'm not gonna and you can't make me. I was caught up except for dinner so it isn't too bad. Still, it was a busy hands on day and the Sunday sitter cancelled so I'm going to pump, take a quick shower, then cuddle in bed with a book. Or, chat with my cousin who should be back by then from house hunting in San Deigo and will be here until Wednesday, then back early August with all their earthly posessions. It was such a nice weekend. With the big leverage of wanting to go swim in the big pool, Max was on his best behavior and that just makes all the difference in the world. Days and weekends like this are exactly what I imagined and wanted when I dreamed of my family.

Perfect

It was a perfect summer day. Everyone was healthy. Lot's of outdoor play and swimming. The twins took good naps and went down well. Max went down great. That combination of fresh outdoor air and water...got to love it! Max and I had time to play 1:1 while the twins had their morning nap before Nana came, then were able to get in the big pool a few times. Max was so proud because he was able to dive down and get the dive toys from the bottom...just like the bigger kids. I took R in the big pool, but he really wasn't that impressed and the water is much colder than the baby pool which I'm able to fill with warm water. N was content to splash and crawl in nice warm baby pool. I was able to make a nice dinner (eaten at 3 pm :) and baby food while the twins took their afternoon nap and Max played 1:1 with Nana. It was one of those days where there just seemed to be enough time for everything...keeping up with the dishes, cooking, especially lots of outdoor fun. Ah, every day doesn't have to be this perfect, but it sure was nice.

ps. N is mobile. She's been crawling backward, combat forward, and slow. She's starting to pick up speed. She was almost out her bedroom door in the time it took me to go to the kitchen and back. So nice to see her getting there, but also..OMG...watch out...all three moving and grooving is likely to be scary at least half the time. :)

1 Yr Peds - 5

The twins had their one year peds appointment on Monday. I'd tell you the stats, but I can't find the piece of paper they were written on. The doc and I never got around to talking percents anyway. He has two young ones...a 35 weeker that is probably about 4 or 5 months now and maybe a 3 year old...and he had them all weekend by himself since his wife was working. He said things like super mom and how do I do it and we laughed and said how much less work it often was to actually go to work. What I remember is that N was 20 lbs. R just slightly less than that at 19 lbs 10 oz. R was slightly longer than N and his head was slightly bigger. This always surprises me since when you look at N' she looks like she is much bigger and longer. But, it just isn't so. We were going to test their iron. Well, actually, we were going to test their iron at their 9 month, but alas the doc and I were so sleep deprived that we forgot to even talk about it. Then, the twins got shots and the nurse didn't prick and it didn't happen. I remembered this days later. Called to follow up on wether I was supposed to go to a lab, but no...it is done in the office. The nurse seemed a bit stunned when I suggested we just wait then until their 15 month appointment or I'll bring them when Max has his 4 year in appointment. She studdered out "let me check on that" with the doc, who ...had no problem with this...not urgent. I'll just keep on given them iron supplements until then. Really not a big deal.

Since Monday, we've started them on whole milk which is going fine. I dropped a day or two ago my middle of the day pump and am just going morning and night for now. This is yielding enough breast milk for everything except the last bottle of the day. Have I mentioned how much I love my ped? We talked about stopping the breast milk and he said that the only real studies were for 1 year or less and then asked me what my exit strategy had been in my mind. And, I said 1 year, but that it has come and gone, but I'm not sure I'm ready to stop. He said, whether 12 days, 12 weeks, or 12 months, if it is just too much for a mom, it is just too much and he is supportive. I'll probably go through this summer at least and stop this fall...my internal adjusting for preemie status even though I've been told it isn't necesssary.

In other news, the massive sore throat and body aches that has been plequing me for almost a week are almost gone. As of Monday, my current position is officially so unvaluable as to not exist anymore, but I'll putter around at it and a few other things until my new one starts mid July.

Made milk shakes and smoothies with Max's classroom today. We had fun.

My weekend sitter cancelled for Sunday, but I'm still looking forward to the weekend.

A Max Funny

Max's godfather was in town again this weekend and took him to the library to return books and get new ones while they were out running errands for me. I was reading one of them...the only one of the four that we have actually read at this point...he's funny like that...we will get three or four and then really only read one of them most of the time, but he doesn't want to get only one book. He is always trying for as many as he thinks he can get away with. Anyway, the title of the book is called "A diary of a worm". When I got all done reading it, Max asks me in this incredulous voice "where was the diarrhea?" and was so disappointed. So, we have inserted the word diarrhea in two pages to appease the audience. I'm sure that's not what the author had in mind, but I figure installing a love of reading comes in many shapes and sizes. He loves him so potty talk, that is for sure. His god father heard the comment and my readjustment and commended me on my page selection and quick adaptation.

Stubborn goat

Max can be an ornery stubborn ole goat at times. These days it seems like most of the time. This morning, not even 6 am and we are in the twins room and I'm changing diapers. R went first while Max and N bonded in her crib. Then, R was free and I was doing N's poo. R picks up and starts swinging this hard toy. Max starts cheering and telling him to bonk N on the head. I ignore Max, but tell R not to listen to his brother and that I will have to take the toy away if it does bonk N, because it hurts her and she doesn't like it. R, this time, doesn't get drawn in, so Max gets out of the crib, takes the toy away from R, and bonks N (not hard and she didn't even cry), but as he was preparing for all this, I warned him the consequence would be that he would need to leave the room. He did, I put him out of the room, he didn't like it.

Jim (my cousin's husband who has a new job in San Diego and is here again this weekend...cousin comes tomorrow) were talking about this last night...how he just tests and pushes it to make sure you are going to follow through. Jim told me that at the store yesterday Max was trying to poke a whole in the wrap for the meat. Jim asked him to stop. Max didn't. He was warned to stop or he would need to get out of the cart for 2 minutes. He did it anyway.

It just gets so tiring and as much of a pain it is to follow through it is worse and escalates if I don't (which does happen on rare occasion) follow through. I feel like I always need leverage by having something he wants to do, but can't if he doesn't listen or is mean or am constantly having to give him consequences.

It gets old. Or, have I said that already.

I keep hoping it is a phase, but I think part of it is just personality. Has be a bit scared for the future when I really stop to think about it.

Green Light

I was given the green light today by N's neurologist to start weaning her from the phenobarbital. Yeah! She had an EEG - HATED IT! But, I guess the doc got enough of what he needed. So, here is to hoping that she responds as well as I think she will (i.e. no seizures) so that we can be done with it all. So, a full six weeks to wean and a follow up in early December.

Some mornings

Some mornings it is much harder to get up and get going. This morning was one of them. Up with a sick feverish hallucinating (although not too bad this time) kid (Max). We both had just fallen asleep (at least if felt that way but it could have been 30 - 45 minutes later) when R woke and wanted to eat at which point I had less than an hour before I had to be up and moving. Climbed into Max's bed because he was in my bed and snoring and finds me like a beacon and wants to touch and cuddle in his sleep..ick. Forced myself up 10 minutes late, but at least my 7 am meeting was canceled this morning. N, my most excellent sleeper, is up eating cereal and watching TV (Baby Bach) while I pump. She sleeps well, but 11 hours is enough for her but at least I got here out of there without waking R for a change. He's not fond of being alone and can usually sense it and wake up and put up a fuss if the crib tent zipper doesn't wake him. You should here him during the day if he is left someplace alone. You'd think he is being tortured or is seriously hurt or something, but just stops and gives his big toothy grin when you come back. I don't need 11 hours, don't think I ever slept for 11 hours, but 7 would be nice. 5? Okay, Max is up and grump. Only 15 hours or so until the next sleep opportunity.

I wonder

This may sound odd, but as I sit here another night pumping yet again...I wonder when I am going to stop. I know I wanted to make it at least to the year mark. That has come and gone. The twins 1 year ped appointment is next Monday and rumor has it that they can be switched to whole milk at any time and one does not need to adjust for the prematurity in this. We will get his take next week. However, even if he does give the green light, I'm not sure that I'm ready, willing, and able to stop just yet. Certainly, I'm tired of it even if it has become habit and routine for us all. I wonder if there is any significant extra benefit for them to continue to get as much of it as possible. On rare occassion, I still attempt to offer each a chance at the breast. They smile and laugh at me and make it clear that there is no interest so I'm not holding out for that. Maybe I will drop the middle of the day pump and just do morning and night and introduce cows milk and plan to go until the end of the summer or early fall, even if not necessary to adjust for the prematurity, just because. Or, maybe I will just get sick of it one day after I'm sure they can tolerate the cows milk and we've run out of forumla (cause I'm not buying any more of that I tell you...I'm done happily with that in my own mind) and just stop. I wonder. I thought I'd be more than ready to stop given the slightest reason and oddly, I find that I am not.

Almost laughable

I found out what my sister...the one who, apparently, hasn't been talking to me is miffed. Not from her, of course.

I guess when she brought me home from the hospital from having the twins, Max asked for her or wanted her or something...really, I don't even remember it....and, I started to cry.

Now, let's keep in mind, that I was still in shock, had tons of hormones, was crying over everything and JUST LEFT MY TWO VERY PREMATURE BABIES IN THE HOSPITAL, had missed Max terribly, had just had a major surgery, and was already sleep deprived.

Anyway, she has been upset for over a year now on something that I truly don't even recall. How sad is that? On many levels.

After thinking long and hard on and off since I found out, I have only the most vague of recollections of coming home at all. And, during that time I was most concerned with how hard all of this was on Max. Really something like that and the other acting out he did that week until my cousin came didn't bother me in a take it personal kind of way.

The mom that had always been around, working from home, and his rock was all of a sudden gone two weeks back to back. I got that and how hard it was for him and even though he couldn't express it the anger and fear and life altering it all was for him.

The whole thing almost makes me want to laugh that she has been so hurt and upset over something that I can't even remember. Heck, I've even told anyone who would listen and care how much she and my other sister stepped up to the plate. Here she has been feeling put out and under appreciated for nothing.

Another, very small part of me, wonders if I really want someone in my life who is so self absorbed that she couldn't understand how hard and emotional that day was for me. Or, the first 3 months until both babies came home. Or, the first year entirely.

Obviously, I should have done a better job of showing and expressing my appreciation.

But, ah...come on? Really, that's what this has all been about? I knew I didn't have a clue and most have missed something along the way, but this?

The funny (in a sad sort of way that isn't funny at all) is that she must have not been talking to me for a lot longer than I realized as I really only clued in over the last month or so just figuring that I was busy and she was busy. And, she was really letting this get to her. I have to remind myself that she must have really been hurt by it.

Not quite sure how I want to handle the situation as I'm not supposed to know (talked it out of another family member). She did make a brief appearance at the twins birthday party. So, maybe my email of the other week at least got her thinking or trying to put it behind her. Probably, this week some time I'll send her a note thanking her for the gift cards for the twins birthday and adding in about what a hard year it was and the many angels in my life including her helped right at the right time making it just a bit easier.

One day soon when I get over how petty it all seems and self absorbed and selfish on her part and can truly feel the hurt she must have felt.

Yeah for help!

I'm sure this is stating the obvious, but things go really well around here with the right kind of help. My cousin's husband was in town this weekend and started a new job today. They are moving out this way this summer, which is terrific news. They are god parents to all three of my kids. He is an experienced dad with his eldest finished with her first year of college, his second graduated from high school last week, and his baby in middle school. Max just thinks he is the best and ran errands with him and had a grand ole time. Setting up for the party was easy peasy with him out of the picture and the twins napping and I had someone come in towards the end of the party to help clean up and feed the twins dinner. Sunday, I even got to nap while the twins napped. It was awesome and much needed since it was one of those nights where I didn't get much sleep. Last night, I wasn't completely exhausted at the end of the weekend. I almost forgot what that felt like. Made me think that maybe marriage may not be so bad with the right person. I do it solo all the time by myself and don't think too much about it. Maybe that's why it was such a nice suprise.

Happy Birthday to you!!

The twins turned ONE today. What a roller coaster....What a ride.....

Poor Fellow

Under the things that could make you cry or scream.....

R is on day 3.5 of antibiotics. Still feverish. Still feeling terrible. Still clingy and crabby (for him). Just not shaking things. Called the peds office and urgent care gave the wrong dosage ... half of what he should have been taking. Thankfully, they just called in a new prescription with the proper dosage and we are starting the 10 day clock over.

I'm glad I called put upset that it was wrong in the first place and that I didn't follow up and check with either my friend who is a ped or our peds office earlier. When the doc gave me the dosage, it seemed a bit low to me, but I honestly couldn't remember and thought about asking him if he was sure but figured....ah, he went to medical school and I didn't and prescribing meds is key part of his job so presumably he knew what he was doing. To bad, because they really were close and convienient, but they have lost my trust now. I'm wondering if I should call them back and tell them or just let it go.

I just feel bad for my poor little fellow who just wants to be held when there hasn't been enough time to do that for him and that he spent several more days than he should have feeling miserable because of an error and a mom not following through on something when her instinct suggested she should.

Tapped out

How do you feel today sister? Tapped out. Spent. Emotionally drained.

It was a hard day. It was announced today that many colleagues I have worked with for many years. Good solid knowledgeable hard working people will be out of work in the next round of layoffs. I myself will be moving into a new role.

I had a clogged milk duct. Ouch. I added heat and extra pumps and think I now have it cleared again.

R is still sick, but seems to have turned the corner.

Three, almost 4 year olds, can be so annoying sometimes, especially when you are tired, have a headache, a sore boob, and emotionally spent because of work.

I did not get to the store, but did get the car into the shop for routine service where they found and additional $550 worth of potential work. I didn't do it all.

N pulled herself up into a stand yesterday. She was so proud. She's starting to move and scoot and think maybe she will be crawling soon.

I need to make birthday cakes either today or tomorrow. I've thought about only making some for the party and not their actual day. They won't know, but I likely won't. I guess it depends on how the next few days goes.

Know better

Just shoot me, pop me over the head, give me a strong reminder next time I even think of uttering the words healthy, reasonably healthy, or any such sentiment. Really. I know better. I do.

R = urgent care = double ear infection.

The bad news, other than the sickness, is that the peds office was too busy to even return a phone call to get us in today and a flock of birds or at least a really big one poo'd all over the twins, the stroller, and the car when I was loading them in to come home...gross. The good news is the urgent care was open, close, quick, and not too expensive.

I started suspecting yesterday actually. R was a little fussy and he usually isn't. Then, he woke up about an hour after bedtime last night screaming and rubbing his ear, but no fever and he went right back. He woke up crying off and on all night, but self soothed and fell right back to sleep. Forgot about it actually in the morning madness until he woke up from his morning nap with a fever and I just knew. So, dealt with early in the day and will get some meds in the fellow and get him on the med. Poor guy.

Now, just hoping N doesn't get it.

State of affairs

It's 5:50 am on a Saturday morning. What are you doing?

Me: I'm up. Been up for almost 2 hours now. Ray cried in his sleep. Woke me up and that was that. I'm now pumping.

R: In excersaucer and not thrilled with it. He was tolerating it while he had his cookie/toddler biscuit in his hands, but seems to have lost. Ah, just started a DVD all from the confines of the couch and he has stopped whinning again. I don't care what anyone says. TV rocks!

Max: Sleeping in. Good. With me short on sleep it's better he gets lot to improve the odds of a decent day. Speaking of the devil, I hear stirring from within his room and expect to see him momentarily. Yep.

N: Getting some floor/tummy time. Normally, she gets put in the exersaucer as well for safety reasons...hers. But, she's really starting to move and getting closer to crawling and with one brother confined and the other alseep it was a good opportunity. She had a follow up with the cardiologist this week and we don't need to go back again for a year. She still has and I forget the medical terms here...a skin tag on one of the ventricles of her heart likely caused by the PIC line in the NICU and then they saw this time the normal opening in the heart has not fully closed yet. Both were dully noted, but neither seemed concerning by either the tech or the doc. And, they even agreed with me that TV rocks since N and a little Barney in mommy's lap made the entire visit much shorter and better than it could have gone especially since the nurse putting her on the table to measure her length set off screams that got people popping in to make sure things were okay.

I both look forward and dread weekends. I like the extra time with the kids, but it is hard and tiring especially when I head into it tired which is pretty much all the time. At least this weekend, everyone seems to be over the sicknesses and are relatively healty.

Big week ahead. Last week/4 days of Preschool for Max (summer school starts the following Tuesday or Wednesday...need to go look that up so it is basically a long weekend which will likely seem forever) and the twins turn 1 with a small party next Saturday.

What's up

I just sent the following email to my older sister. I actually think I will not hear a word back. When I think about it, which really isn't that often...because I have a lot on my plate right now...I alternate between being angry and sad. We are 13 months apart and her kids are now grown and gone. She lives less than an hour away (pending Los Angeles traffic). When I'm in my angry phase, which I am right now, I remind myself that it has more to do with her than with me and that she has apparently written off and isn't communicating with our youngest sister either. When, I would really just have a good fight with her and be done with it. I'd call, but she's not picking up when I do (admittedly, I haven't called that often...birthday, major holiday's, to try to get ahold of my mom who I thought was at her house and coming to my house, but I wasn't going to be here as planned cause I had to run Ray to the doctors) and haven't heard back. I've sent an email or two and haven't heard back. Presumably, she isn't talking to me. Probably, I would have picked up on this earlier except...I've kind of been busy this year. Sigh.

Did we get in a fight that I don't know about? If there is something I have done or not done to cause problems, it would be nice at some point to know what it is. Because really, I don't have a clue. I feel damned either way. We didn't invite you to Easter which really was an oversight since you have pretty much not participated in any family event in the last few years and you've wanted to keep things small with you and Frank or friends which is fine, but then I heard (indirectly of course, because I presume you aren' t talking to me?) that you were hurt. Then, you do get invited (with plenty of notice) to the twins birthday party and don't even bother to acknowledge or reply either way. It seems that family and holidays were only important when your kids were small at this point. If that's the way you feel then fine, I guess it is better that you are not in our lives right now. Truly, it is your loss. Anyway, I'm presuming since I haven't heard from you that you will not be attending the twins first birthday. It will be the only one they ever have.

I guess I'll go back to just letting things lie and taking the path of least resistance since most of the time that's all I have time and energy to do, but it just makes it harder all the way around. For example, I have a cousin coming in town this weekend for a week...or so I hear through the grapevine...and I would like to see him, but he is staying at her house, then going to San Diego, and this means I likely won't get the chance to see him at all. I totally get him not wanting to stay here since he is single bachelor mid thirties so would be total culture shock, but a shared meal might be nice.

Anyway, I won't go renege my invitation or be petty or any more rash than sending the email, but it would be nice to at least have a clue what the issue is...real or imagined.

Well, I have other things to do, like buy the twins a present, get stuff to make cakes and/or cupcakes, decide on food and decorations ... so, pretty much everything except invite people.

A rare treat

A friend, whose husband is out of town, came yesterday afternoon ...picking up Max on the way... and made the most delicious dinner. She wouldn't let me help at all in the cooking or cleaning up. We were able to visit. I got extra baby time. It was so nice. The kids...her 5 yrs old b/g twins and Max...played (mostly nicely...with the mostly being Max, of course :). Upon my profuse thanks (i.e. what are you doing every night for the rest of my life?), she commented that woman really appreciate woman since we know the effort involved. I'd feel guilty except I enjoyed it too much and she said she cooks almost every night anyway. Still harder to do it someplace else.

Baby Dayz

The twins had a field trip to Max's school this morning or Max had the twins in for show and tell today depending on how you look at it. They are having "Baby Week" where people can bring in their babies if they want and all the kids are bringing in baby pictures and trying to guess who is who. Everyone had a wonderful time. The kids all had to tell me they didn't have a baby at home and to show me their baby pictures. Then, they had snacks for the babies which was so sweet, but we had fed them before I left to help it go well. But, all the kids kept shoving the snacks at the twins. It was so funny. Max was so happy. R was in awe. N looked shocked and happy to see so many girls all in one place. She kept starring at all there faces in disbelief and put out her hands to touch them to make sure they were real. N really did well as she tends to be a bit slow to warm. Max came and gave me a big long hug, tried to get R to cause some rucus and held N during circle time. I think the only thing that would have made it better for Max was if R got into his full on menace mode and crawled all over dumping the toys all and wreck the block buildings. It was much funnier to see Max try to insitgate this at school where it didn't work than at home when it does. It was the perfect amount of time...about 40 minutes. R started to reach his comfort zone and made a dash for the bathroom and N was about to loose it from overstimulation. So glad we did it and so like the preschool and teachers Max goes to and has.

Testing, Testing 1 - 2 - 3

Please, tell me it is just a phase. Please, I implore you as I pray for patience.

Scene: About 5 pm. Dinner is finished. I'm giving R a breathing treatment. Neomi is doing the dishes. N is watching TV and playing nicely. Max is playing and has a poo. Neomi goes to help wipe. Max throws a fit screaming and crying "no, my mommy, I want my mommy to do it" and runs away from her around the house with his pants around his ankles. Fine. I hand R off to Neomi so she can finish the breathing treatment, at which point R starts throwing a fit and knocks the despencer off thus spilling the contents after about 3 minutes. Meanwhile, I wipe Max butt and put him into the tub.

Scene: About 5:15. Max is still in tub. I tell him for the second time no more water. R I am carting around with me as he has decided to be a mommy cling on for the night. N is still playing nicely in baby jail (probably happy her brothers are leaving her alone and she isn't at present moment in physical peril and no one is grabbing all her toys away) and watching TV. I give Max a 5 minute warning.

Scene: About 5:18. Max is still in tub. I hear water go on again. I hand off R to Neomi for diaper change and PJ's. Go tell Max for the 3rd and final time, no more water and now it is time to get out. He throws a fit and refuses to get out. I says he is going to splash water all over the floor [before it drains]. I remind him that if he does, he will need to clean up the water. He does it anyway. He puts a pitcher on his foot and tells me he is going to club me with it and hurt me. I tell him I do not like to be hurt and if he does this, I will have to take away the pitcher and he will not be able to use it for awhile until he can show me he can use it properly. He gets out of the tub with the pitcher, puts it on his foot and clubs [although gently as he is only willing to push it so far] with it. I take it away and put i up out of his reach. He laughs and tells me he will just get it down [but he can't as it is too tall]. I dry him off and give him the towel to dry the wall and floor where he splashed. He refuses. Does a little and then throws the towel into the tub which still has not drained all the way. Most of the towel is wet except one part of which he asks what part is dry. I show him so he can use that to wipe the rest of the water. He puts it back into the tub making sure to get the dry part wet. I send him to the linin closet to get a dry towel. He does. Finally, he starts wiping up the water commenting that it is hard work and he doesn't like doing it. Bingo. Yes, I comment, it's hard work for me too and I don't like it either.

Scene: About 5:45. We are all in the twins room doing last bottle and bedtime for the twins. Neomi has left by now. Max and R had a nice game of chase Max's sippy cup where the goal is for Max to keep it just out of R's reach as R crawls as fast as he can to get it only to have it tossed even further. Both seem to be enjoying this game so it continues until it is R's turn for bottle. Max has turned over the stool for the rocker being warned repeatedly that N doesn't like to have the sharp corners bashed into her head. He is warned [since this has been a problem in the recent past] that if he purposly hurts her or any of us, calls any of us a name, or is disruptive, he will be asked to leave the room. He tests without actually crossing the line this time.

Scene: About 5:50. The twins and I are still doing final stages of bedtime ... getting on sleep blankets and about to start books. I ask Max, who is in the kitchen putting water in bowls for some odd reason, if he wants to pick books and participate. He declines. I start reading. He comes in screaming half way through the book that he wanted to pick and start over and on and on and hissy fit. I calmly tell him that he is not being considerate of the twins bed and book time and if he continues, he will be asked to leave the room. He continues and escalates. He is removed from the room continuing to throw a fit, but at least outside the room so I can finish books and get the twisn to bed.

Scene: About 5:55. Max is still crying and tantruming. I go into his room and cuddle him until he calms down. When I ask what books he wants to read, he indicates the ones I had just read the twins. I get them and then he doesn't want them, but another one. I read the other one. We climb in bed for cuddles and kisses for a bit.

Scene: About 6:20 pm. All three kids are asleep. The beautiful sound of silence.

Now, probably this is all normal age appropriate testing stuff, but ....it sure can be tiring. I hate to be on him so much, but sometimes he just makes such bad choices after being given plenty of warnings. Yes, it's at the end of the day an he is tired. We all are, but still. He has to learn that he can not phyically hurt his siblings at will. He has to learn that he can't go around calling us names, although he really makes an effort not to call me names anymore after pushing it past the limit. He has to learn that being part of a family means being considerate. If I don't correct him, who will and how will he learn. However, he needs the limits. He needs to know when he crosses the line. He tests to make sure he knows where the line is and what it means to cross it and what the consequences are. I need to remind myself of this and that it is normal.

I'm not sure if it is a boy thing, or an age thing, or just a Max thing, but it can try my patience at the best of times. Tonight, I had enough left to stay calm and cool about the whole thing instead of yelling at him and letting him suck me so it went better than it can when I just can't take it anymore.

Well, hopefully, he has learned his lessons or we will be back at it again tomorrow.

ETA: OMG, I just had a terrible, terrible thought....what if it isn't a phase? What if this continues up to and during the teenage years where just that which is tested changes to be bigger and badder and more problematic with bigger consequences. I can see my future and it could be kind of scary. Oh well, nothing to be done but to plug along do the best we can and hope and pray it makes a difference and/or divine intervention.

One with the money, two for the show

I took Max to the movies for the first time yesterday. I would say he loved the experience and was ready to do it again soon. The show, not so much. If his mommy had done a better job picking and realized it was a PG movie not G so it was more age appropriate, it would have been better. He got on my lap and cuddled after the first scary part and just looked around at the others. Towards the end, he told me he was tired of the movie and wanted to go home. So, I did what any good mom would do...bribe him with candy after the movie if he let me stay to the end. For even more mommy points, I actually took him to the movies on the same day that we skipped going to church...but, in my own defense, the twins were slightly more than a tad whinny and fussy and it was bad enough I had to listen to it let alone subjecting everyone else in the "cry room" to it, even if it is the cry room. And, by going to the movie with Max, I got bonding time with the older kid and the sitter got to deal with the cranks (okay, just kidding, they were napping for more than half the time we were gone and I really did need the break).

The funny or not so funny thing about the sitter thing was that it wasn't until almost 2 hours after I called and ask if she could come an hour earlier than planned that I realized I didn't even have her scheduled to come at all that day. Then, had to call back to make sure that she did know I meant TODAY since 1) I had already bought the movie tickets online and 2) I had mentally prepared for time away for good behavior. Mental preparedness is key I have found.

Sometimes I am amazed what I can accomplish in any give day or hour. Other, I'm amazed at how little and how I can squander that same amount of time. I *should* be working right now or at least paying bills (and tax return is back so not actually having the money isn't an issue at the present moment), but...I don't wanna (typed with as much whine as possible).

Having a hard time "caring" about my job at the moment knowing the role is going away soon. It all seems like such a farse, like how important can the work be if it isn't important to actually pay to keep a person it it. Oh, I'll get done what needs to get done, but doesn't mean I have to actually feel like it.

Reminding myself

I feel like crap. Stuffy nose, can't breath, blah, blah, blah. So tired I've just been wanting to curl up in bed all day, but alas work and chores and things to be done. And, a certain 3 year old is still not asleep an hour after bedtime. A few minutes ago he came out to tell me his toe hurt, then he had to go to the bathroom, then he needed to tell me he loved me, now he needs water...cold water. Anyway, just reminding myself that it really is all worth it and part of the package.


I've been waiting for this one to come home from school. Max made it for mothers day. It is a picture of me and says "I love my mom because she's beautiful. She gives me hugs and kisses."
Max making baby food, just like his momma. He got a bunch of kumquats at this party we went to and he had to bring a bunch home for his babies.
And, I know I'm biased and all, but I just can't help myself, as they are just so beautiful. I just look at them and am stunned that such beauty exists in my children.

Short lived

My little burst of enrgy and happiness last night was short lived. Woke up this morning sick. N is now also sick. I was sure hoping that the rest of us would just pass on this bug R had and it was looking that way...until today. I figured too good to be true with the lack of sleep and all the slobber and such that goes on around here.

TMI

Under the too much information category, I'm happy to report that I still have not had a menstral cycle since I've had the twins. I had that one way back in the beginning when either both twins were still in the hospital or R was home an N was still there and remember being really pissed off about it, but since then...nada. I feel hormone shifts every now and again, but so far...my old decreped non functioning ovaries have been resting. Almost makes all this pumping worth it. Not sure how long I'm going to go but at least the year mark. Probably until the ped tells me that they can move to whole milk. Since they are on solids now, unless they need a topper off before bed or wake at night, they are solely on breast milk at this point. Maybe the big can of formula we just openned from Costco will be the last I need to purchase. One can only hope. Less than 3 weeks until the year mark. My oh my.

Good for the soul

I spent about 45 - 60 minutes gardening tonight after I put the kids to bed and it was wonderful. Granted, Max came out and joined me instead of falling asleep and helped and talked to me and chattered and chattered and I didn't want to stop so I let him get away with it and it was wonderful in spite of not being kid free. I love flowers and I love plants and I love digging in the dirt and I had flowers left over from the planing project in Max's school last week that I really needed to get in the ground before they died and I'm so happy that I did it tonight. I only worked in my front flower bed and planted a few live plants in the pots near my front door that I usually put fakes in during the summer months because it gets so hot they need to be watered every day and usually I can't commit to daily watering. I've got the bug now and want to do more. I have a sitter for Sunday afternoon/evening and was thinking I'd call some friends to see if they wanted to do a movie or dinner because I vowed after last weekend that I need to carve out some me time, but think I'll go buy flowers and plants instead. I feel joy and energy I haven't felt in awhile tonight. It's 8 pm and I'm not exhausted and crabby and dead to the world and I didn't really get any more sleep than usual last night. I'm plotting what flower bed I want to focus on next. It's going to be a win/win as I'm going to be doing a fair amount of entertaining this summer with a party for the twins in June, a party for Max in August and hosting at least one if not two SMC gatherings. Amazing how sometihng so small can be so good for the soul and the psyche.

Better Odds

Last night my mom came to dinner and Noemi was still here until 5:30 pm and bedtime went much better. One person to give Max a bath while N played on the bathroom floor. One person to give R another breathing treatment. And, one person (not me!) to clean up the kitchen/dinner dishes and floor post dinner mess. I actually got to sit for about 15 minutes and play with babies between dinner and bath (where I also straighten and organized toys at the same time because I can't help myself...the nanny thinks clean is throwing all toys in one huge mess into the toy baskets...I think clean is putting all the shapes in the shape box, the fish back in the fish bowl, the books back on the table..so the kids learn they are supposed to go together and have fun taking them out and pulling them to the floor at the next opportunity). It was much better odds and much nicer all around.

Whine, Whine, Whine

This weekend was long. In fact, other than seeing friends I haven't seen in too long, it sucked. I wish I enjoyed my time with the kids more, but honestly, I didn't. The lack of sleep is killing me. It wouldn't be so bad, but when I get woken around 2:30 - 3:30 am I don't get any more sleep. Sometimes, I get unrestful dozing and that's about it. I yelled too much. R was sick and whinny. Max had act out behaviors in part because I was tired and crabby and in part because I had friends over (one on Sunday and another on Monday) and so he had less of my attention which didn't thrill him. The slog of it can just be a bit much. With R sick and adding in breathing treatments, there is just not a minute to even sit and play and baby hold. While this is a cute stage for the babies, I feel like I don't get to enjoy much of it because there is stuff that has to get done. Just covering the basics eats into every spare minute. And, so here I sit glad that R and Max are still sleeping while N watches TV while I pump and talk to her on and off glad the weekend is over, feeling tired and crabby and the day hasn't even begun, but most of all feeling like a failure of a mother for not enjoying it more. I love my kids. I wouldn't trade it back for my single and fansy free days. But, I just wish I had more quality time and could sit and enjoy more. I guess you could say the pumping, making baby food, cooking dinner are labers of love, but it sure would be nice if the majic house cleaning fairy would stop in and do the dishes, the high chairs, and the floor (not to mention fix baby jail, rehang the curtains that have been pulled off the windows, and clean up ever other disaster or mess that appears every two seconds). Blah, whine, whine, whine. I hope everyone else had a nice enjoyable happy weekend. Here, it was all just a bit too much.

Tinkerbell

Last week, I stopped and got taco's before picking Max up from school...or rather on the way home from a Costco run before picking him up from school. We don't eat much fast food and probably have had taco's less than 5 times. Max asked me if they were from Tinkerbell. Oh, yes, I did have to smile. When he is not being completely obnoxious and calling people butthead and poopy diaper and other such lovely names, he is actually quite pleasant and funny and a pleasure to be around. Since I can't be on him all the time and he gets such pleasure from using such language and thinks he is the funniest thing alive, I have drawn the line that he can't call "me" names and have been consistently enforcing it. We've gone to battle a few times over it, but I think it might be sinking in. I still need to read Siblings without Rivery but have decided to ignore any names he calls the twins right now because they don't understand him and he laughs when he does it and they laugh back eating up his attention so until they can complain, he can call them whatever he wants (within reason) as long as he is respectful to me. Anyway, we had Tinkerbell the other day. It was yummy.

Sleep Training

It's funny how kids can be so different. I'd marvel at those who were able to do CIO after Max was born and as he grew. No way would that work for him. He just gets more and more and more upset until he can almost make himself sick. N is that way as well. She is actually my best sleeper and best self soother, but every now and again she can get herself riled up till no tomorrow. The other day she started crying about midway through my last pump of the day and, because I was tired and really didn't want to unhook and rehook, I just let her cry for about 10 minutes. Boy she got herself wound up. As an aside, I can't wait until she can sit herself up and gets moving a bit more because almost always it is a gas bubble stuck for her that she can't get out. Anyway, R is really the opposite of Max and N. he almost always needs to cry or moan or fuss a bit before falling asleep. If you go in, he will pop right up and be all happy and like...let's party, yeah!...and then will have to settle back down and then will again need to cry or moan or fuss a bit. I'm not sure it is really a CIO scenario in the truest sense, but you need to let him cry where as with Max and N trying that just leads to disaster. Just interesting observations.

In other sleep realated news, I'd love to move N and R to a once a day nap. I've done it a few times on the weekends for various reasons, but not regularily. Sadly, I don't think they are quite ready. But hopefully soon.

Often, I see parents walking around with a sleeping child in their arms. The other day a mom took a sleeping toddler out of her car seat and walked her older child into Preschool all while the toddler still slept. I see babies sleeping in strollers and out and about. These are not my children. I often wonder if it is a genetic type thing or if they just get regular and enough sleep during home naps and the night that they aren't tired enough. I just can't push it enough most of the time to see cause I think it would be too much of a disaster. These early years pass so quickly and I can just wait to do that out and about until they are older and don't need naps and hopefully avoid poor behavior as a result.

Anyway, the whole sleep issue is one that I have found most intersting as a parent and that often tends to be so contreversial amount parents and parenting styles. I keep meaning to pick back up Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child and rescim some of it. I've promised myself I'll do that to brush up before trying to mess with the 2 a day to 1 a day naps.

Good News/Bad News - Edited

The good news is that we (are not yet at least) spending the weekend in the hospital. The bad news is that Ray is sick with respiratory infection/croup and was having stridor (difficulty breathing) so we will be spending the weekend doing breathing treatments, oral steroids, and hopes it stays in control. And, we were on such a healthy streak.

Of course, I had to cancel the appointment with the plumber to dash off to the peds so still don't have a working kitchen sink. But that is a whole other story...a saga really.

R is still sleeping, but was up at 4 coughing a little, but sounding so much better. So, if we stay on top of the breathing treatments, (not to jinx myself) I think we will avoid the hospital this time. Glad we caught it early and I was able to get in yesterday. And, Max's day was made yesterday because the plumber was able to come and let him be the assistant. Ah, the simple joys in life. Sink is currently working and not leaking...for now. Not holding my breath it stays that way.

Life is funny like that

One of the things I've been worrying a bit about is a Father's day celebration they are having next Friday at Max's preschool. I hadn't thought too much about it until they had the mothers day one last month and every single mom was there. I was worried that Max would feel left out and we are already dealing quite a bit with the daddy issue these days. I talked to the teachers a bit about it so they could be aware and I was glad I had because when they started a project (painting a rock) Max didn't want to participate because he didn't have a daddy, but they were able to offer up that all families were different and maybe he could make it for someone else. So, he made it for his Uncle Jim, who is also his God father. The teachers also put up a sign up to see how many of the dad's were going to make it. About 3/4's have signed up so far with a week to go. I had blocked my work schedule and had thought to take Max out for a special lunch with mom. I asked Max about it recently and he gave me this look like "are you crazy" and told me, no, he wanted to stay at school and play with all those dad's and it was fine he didn't have one he could just play with someone else dad. A good reminder to not project my own issues onto him and I was so glad I asked.

Another thing I have been a bit worried about and has kept me from much needed sleep is the work situation. There have been lots of changes and lots of layoffs and more are on the way. I've been thinking about how to play the situation, if it would matter one way or another, and what is important to me right now in a work situation. My cousin and her husband are going to be moving within about 3 hours (or less depending on traffic) and whether I wanted to try to move closer to where they are. I'm glad I had done the mental leg work. I found out today that my current position was going to be eliminated. The organization I have been supporting only since November when I came back from maternity leave was given two hours to decide whether they wanted me and how they can make it work. They did and offered up another name to "save me". It is a lot less responsibility and scope than what I have had in the last 7 - 10 years and I"m sure I'll be over paid for the position, but I'm actually really looking forward to the change and while many may look at it as a step down, I actually look at it as a good career move for the long run and perfect for now. It gives me a few more years before needing to make a big change which will get the twins to preschool, let's me still work at home, and saves my current pay. I had decided that if part of the deal was less money, I was not going to take it and that it was a sign to move on. As long as it was work in my area of expertise and passion, I'd be interested. Like I said, I was glad I had done the leg work so I knew what I would be okay with or not.

I was back in Max's classroom today for a planting project. It was a big mess, but I think everyone had a great time. They each made a pot of flowers to take home and picked another for the school to hang outside. One of the teachers was helping me carry stuff back out and thanked me for it and for all the projects this year and said that she had already told the other teachers who may get Max next year about how lucky they would be.

At about midnight last night, I took some tylenol PM to see if it could help shut off my mind so I could get some sleep. I haven't used that since well before the twins were born because I was afraid it would affect my milk supply. It didn't and I got about 4 hours which was more than I would have otherwise. I"m not sure if it's good or not to know that.

Anyway, just a snipped from half a day of my life. It is like a sprint every morning to the end. I'm looking forward to the long weekend even if it is a different kind of work.

Just pondering how funny life can be and happy things are working out the way they are.

An interesting read

Saw this link on a fellow bloggers page and found it very interesting. It validated a lot of what I have heard and how I feel about the matter.

Donor conceived children speak about their feelings

http://www.dcnetwork.org/

Click on the pdf file in the left hand column

Video Rama

Worry, Worry, Worry

I'm having trouble keeping the worry bugs at bay this morning. Up to feed R and now can't go back to much needed sleep. Worry about that there is too much to do an not enough time to do it. Worry about work on several fronts. It is busy now and no extra time to get done "non-work" stuff and often I'm working a bit after the kids are in bed. Worry about finances and how I'm going to pay for all this stuff that needs to get paid for when I don't have the cash at hand right now. Worry about the friends I don't have the time or energy to reach out to let alone call or email back. Normally, I can compartmentalize, but that's not working this early morning. As I told someone at work yesterday, I feel like a hamster on a wheel that gets on early each morning and just runs to the end of each day and gets off and collapses asleep until woken and then starts the whole thing all over again. It's all about kids and work right now and that's the way it needs to be, but there is a whole lot of other things piling up on the to do list that is getting so big that it is scary and it is all important stuff not getting done. Good thing I love this mom gig so much and do like the actual work that I'm doing right now or life might be miserable instead of just intense, focused, and busy, busy, busy. Worry, worry, go away, don't even come back another day...you are not useful, nor the added stress you bring.