The Farm and The Speech Assessment

We went back to the farm today. Everyone had a great time even if we did get rained on a bit. Max enjoyed really enjoyed it the first time we went a few weeks ago with a local single mom's group, but if possible...he enjoyed it 500% better the second time and with his cousin and nanna.

I'm so glad we ended up doing his speech and language assessment yesterday instead of today as he was wiped out and I would have had to wake him. The speech assessment went great and as I expected, she will not be recommending services for him. She said things like...he's speaking in 4 - 5 words sentences; I won't even ask or try to count how many words he knows...it's a lot; saying and understanding things like scared, hot, cold are more common around 3; he's on target or ahead in this area; he has no sensory issues or texture issues. She did wonder, and I think she may be absolutely correct, that the reason Max isn't talking in school is because many of the attendees speak Spanish as their primarily language and he's 1) listening and taking it all in 2) not able to communicate to make himself understood in Spanish at this point so says nothing. We also discussed a few parenting type techniques that show I'm right on track with my style. And, she recommended that I start making my choices directing him towards ?? forget the right word at the moment ?? but, basically getting him to start picking up after himself like taking his plate to the table when he's finished instead of just getting up to leave and putting away one toy before getting out another, that type of thing. She also said I may want to shorten my sentences and make sure I make eye contact when I'm giving him direction or requests. I actually purposely speak to Max often in longer sentences, but will pay more attention to the eye contact thing. It's not a problem, but she said it will help set the stage for a few years when he's interacting with friends and in school. She got me teary eyed when she said, you can tell that you just love being a mom and that the two of you have a lot of fun together.

Anyway, it's been a busy, but fun few days. Max picked out his farm book and one of his tractor books to read before bed tonight. And, he took the farm one to bed with him. He really had a great time. We all really had a great time.

And, I got my first "Mommy", pause and wait for eye contact, "I wove you". Oh, my boy, I love you too.

Where is pumpkin?

Have I mentioned lately how much I love my son and how much he amuses me?

This morning, he was singing "Where is pumpkin? Where is pumpkin? Here I am. How are you today sir..." to the tune of Where is thumbkin. Oh, he had me cracking up and joining him.

He's also been into bubble baths these days after being afraid of bubbles for awhile last year. Tonight after he finished dinner, he was ready for bath. I'm working on eating slower (than scarfing down my food in a few minutes flat which is a bad habit I've picked up since Max was born) so I told him he had to wait until I finished eating. When I got done, he was literally sitting in the bathtub fully clothed waiting which had me laughing again.

It's been a busy week. I took Tuesday and Thursday mornings off work to go to Max's mommy and me classes. I'm glad I did. It's as I expected in that they are just seen an entirely different kid than I do. And, I can really understand why he shuts down a bit during that Thursday class. There are just so many kids and adults in such a small place. It's loud and chaotic. I was exhausted and ready for a nap by the time we got home and just a tad jealous that Max got to take one and I had to go catch up on work. The feel of the two different days are very different. Granted, Max was the only child on Tuesday because of the winds and fires. But, it gave me a chance to talk with his teachers and for them to see him with me and copy a few songs out of a book they had. The Thursday class is something else. It felt like the main teacher is somewhat condescending and talked down or assumed that she knew more than the parents, but then again, I'm not really the target audience for the group. In general, I would say that the teachers assistants that work with and play hands on with the children feel like he is fine and within range of normal, but the teachers don't. I'm sure the teachers on Tuesday revised their opinion. The teacher today brought her infant son and like I said, it was chaos (at least to me) so don't think she had time to pay attention, but made a comment to the affect that she's glad I'm getting the assessment and is sure that they will find a need for services. I'm still in the I'll be surprised if he gets recommended for more than fine motor skills.

There are a lot of things that have irritated me this week. One of which is that I still haven't heard from the person who is supposed to do the full development assessment on Max. We only have a month to do it and I at least want it on the schedule. I meant to call this afternoon, but my new foster dog go adopted so I didn't get around to it. And, the lady that is supposed to do the speech eval and I have exchanged at least 5 or more phone messages where I say 4 pm on Saturday is fine, I can't go earlier, but could go a bit later. She'll call back and ask me to confirm 4 pm on Saturday is good. Repeat. Annoying.

Like I just mentioned, Heidi was adopted today. But, I'm watching Nikki my old foster dog for the weekend again. So, instead of 3 dogs and a house full of family, I'm back to 2 and life seems much more sane. I haven't seen much of the cat since Heidi liked to give him a hard time so he doesn't even know yet that the coast is clear and he can come home. The scene here the other morning was like one out of a movie with me making pancakes for Max, the fire alarm going off, Max crying cause it scared him, the dog chasing the cat knocking down the lamp. It was a bit wild, but funny.

I finally got the penny out of the CD player in my car rendering it operable again. Yeah!!! Had I known it would only take me an hour and $49.99 I would have done it much sooner. Best Buy service techs that install car stereo's is who agreed to do it. Again, yeah! yeah! yeah!

I'm sure there is much more including a cycle related thing that kind of irritated me, but I'm tired and not really in the mood to get into it. But, I took my last BCP from my first months back and will start a new pack tomorrow since I'm to stay on active pills.

In spite of the busy week, I actually cooked a few times including steaks on the grill. Hmmm. It was delicious and since Max choose a Turkey dog over steak, there is still one left for me for tomorrow lunch. Dinner will be a pot roast in the crock pot since my neice will be in town and I'm hosting a family gathering.

The house just seems so much more calm and less needy with Heidi gone. She was a sweet, sweet dog, but acted more towards the puppy scale than a senior dog. I think she went to a home perfect for her. Even calmed down about 400% in the week or so she was here, she was still a bit too much for me.

The winds have stopped, but air quality is still really bad here right now. But, how bad can life be no matter how busy or how many irritants, when your son sings you "Where is pumpkin? Where is pumpkin? Here I am? How are you today, sir? Very well I thank you. Run away. Run away."

Windy

Wind, wind go away....I'm tired of you already.

We are headed into our 3rd, or is it 4th?, day of wind storms. The type of storms that ruined my patio table and gaze ball a year or so ago.

The kind of wind that makes it miserable to be outside, unless your Max who had a great time playing in the "big" fountain and laughing at the wind yesterday afternoon.

There are leaves and debry everywhere.

The pool is a wreck, not that I'd be in swimming in it, but still, it looks pretty bad.

The cat has taken to sleeping in the baby stroller and the garage for a change of pace since his nice usual spots aren't so nice right now.

I've either got a sinus/allergy thing going on because of it or I'm finally getting that marathon cold Max has had cause I'm not feeling so hot...tired, headachy, throat hurts, face hurts, sinus cavities feel mushy.

I've got a busy week or two ahead and wish I were going into it feeling better.

I'm afraid to look at the forecast, but think another day or two of this wind may be on order. And,I'm really tired of it already.

Complaint Over.

This weekend

It started with acupuncture and a wonderful take out steak dinner with a crab cake appetizer. Oh, I told you that part already? Well, it was good and I don't often eat that good so I'm still enjoying the memory.

We had a fabulous, fabulous time riding the Metro yesterday morning. I, of course, forgot my camera, but my friend got a few cute pictures of Max on her phone she said she would send. The ride "in" Max was wide eyed and quiet absorbing it all. He loved it. We all had a great time. We went all the way to Union Station with no stops and got out and walked. The friend we went with has been having some back or sciatic nerve problems where her pain level increases if she has to stand or walk a long time. She didn't say anything or complain, but I could tell she started to have a hard time. We saw this buggy flying through the station tunnel and a few more stationary with a guy getting in one. I asked the guy if we were allowed to ride or who was allowed to ride or something like that. He said, you want a ride, hop on, we did and he took off. Through the tunnel up onto a train platform to a leaving train with an ID that a rider had apparently left quickly handed to a conductor, further down the ramp, he quickly turns around, stops, gets a big smile and says, "you want to see a train take off, right?" Takes Max from my arms and holds him while the train leaves the station while telling us about his nephew who is 2.5 and loves to come and begs to come every time he sees him in his uniform. He was the nicest man. Then, back on the cart, with a drop off right outside the Metro line we needed for our trip back.

We stopped at a few stations on the way back and got off on one in Hollywood for lunch before heading home. While walking to the restaurant, we saw a few costume characters. Max took one look at Mini Mouse, asked to be picked up, gave me a big hug while whispering in my ear "Momma, Mini scary." On the way back, we went and crossed the opposite way to avoid Scary Mini. Max clear as day says, "saxophone". We stop to listen and sure enough on the other side of the street, out of sight is someone playing a sax. We were both surprised that he could identify it. My friend commented that many adults couldn't pick a saxophone out like that. It was an odd little thing, but made me so proud. When we got to the other side, we gave the player some coins and he played us a special song and we danced a bit before going to catch our train.

We had a wonderful, wonderful time and will be doing it again some day soon. Maybe even taking it all the way to Long Beach to the Aquarium.

My mom ended up stopping by later that afternoon on her way back from my sisters and had dinner with us.

Max has been sleeping late and either napping late or boycotting naps. Most people would be pleased that their child is sleeping in to 7 am. I'm tolerating it and would be more impressed if I were sleeping better. I've woken at 4:15 - 4:30 am for the last few days and not going back to sleep. And, I've been staying up late so I've been cutting sleep on both ends and its taking its toll.

This morning was rushed with Max not getting up until 7 and needed to get to Church/Sunday School no later than 9 am. I'm glad I didn't have to choose between getting the dogs out or being late for church. I can't say they really got a walk today, but they got out front and down the block a few houses. It seemed to be fine and was all I could manage. On Saturday, when my mom was here, I was able to get them out for a decent walk and Shadow went all the way around the block. She hasn't done that in awhile....in part probably because I haven't had the time/patience and in part because she hasn't felt like it...but, I was really happy she did. It's been nice and windy here and I think all the wind and scents is stirs up made her frisky.

Anyway, today was a mad dash getting ready for church, church, getting grocery's, putting grocery's away, lunch, stuff like that. I was so tired, I had to caution myself to not put Max down too soon. It turns out, he never napped, but played nicely in his crib for a few hours while I did. And, I needed it. I go in to find him stark naked. Apparently figuring out how to take off his sleep blanket, clothes, and diaper occupied some of that time. Thankfully, he's potty trained enough to hold it when he doesn't have a diaper on. We just hung around this afternoon and I made meatloaf (with Max's help hand mixing it which he enjoyed, but kept trying to eat), potatoes (red potatoes that we called french fries with catchup:), and green bean casserole. I think this is actually the first meal I have put any effort into that he actually ate and liked. I got a "like it"..oh, be still my heart, while he was eating it. Of course, since it was all covered in catchup, I'm sure that helped. Not being in the mood to pick up after I had him down for the night and somehow the house got trashed several times over today, I was busy doing that while Max played and watch a DVD. Finally, I was called over "Momma, come sit down" and I finished watching the dishes and did.

I have vowed to go to sleep at a decent hour tonight. Last night, no, not out partying...no, no. I got sucked into this program on the History Channel about the bible and how Abraham, Moses, Joshua, Deborah and others were great war/battle strategists. We've already established that I have more eclectic taste in TV shoes, but I really found it fascinating. I'm not sure how or when it ended, because I made myself turn it off at commercial around 11:40 pm knowing I really needed to get to sleep. And, because I really know how to live large, I rolled coins and played Spider Solitaire getting my win percent to 46% (which I blew this morning while waiting for Max to wait and am back to 44%).

Anyway, a nice weekend with a variety of activities including some home time and hanging out. Just the kind of weekend I love.

Found it!

I toured yet another preschool this morning. When I told my sister the other day she laughed and said she couldn't believe it, that she just checked out the closest day care center to their house, like it well enough and went with it. I laughed as well and thought...no way could I take that approach.

This is the preschool that is affiliated with our church. I really like the director. I liked how she conducted the tour logistically. I liked the things she had to say. I liked what I observed and saw of the teachers and the children. I think the clincher was when we were outside and she commented that if you didn't want your child getting wet, this was probably not the school for them and on how they let the children do a lot of water play and pointed out the water spiget, the water fountain, and how the sand didn't just look wet, it was wet because yesterday the kids were playing with the water and flooded it. Ah, a perfect, perfect match for my beliefs and my son who adores water play.

Of course it is more expensive than any other school I have looked at so far. Of course it is.

Enrollment is in early March, forms mailed late February, for next September.

I'm still going to check out another school or two, just because. But, I'm sure I'll end up going with this school. Everything about it felt right.

I also went over the hill to my old favorite accupuncturist in preperation for my cycle. It felt good to see her and good to have the treatment. Her treatments seem much more potent to me than the local one I tried for a month or two. She felt I needed more red meat and beef in my diet and I had to agree as I have been craving it lately and just not done much about it. How good a nice juicy steak would taste for dinner was on my mind the whole way home so I stopped and got a nice thick fillet with a crab cake appetizer take out from a nice high end steak house. Max had his nice Turkey dog and I devored the entire steak while the dogs sat begging and salavating. It was delitous. Mmmmmm mmmmmm good.

We are off to ride the Metro trains tomorrow morning for the first time with a friend after I drop by my extra meds, and needles, and some flowers at my clinic. I think Max is going to love it.

Nothing big

Don't really have anything big going on or to say.

Yet, there are a lot of little things keeping me busy.

Max and I have a decent social life, but not too crazy busy.

I'm checking things off the DE cycle to do list and getting more things added. The contract is out of my/my lawyers hands and into the donors. Cycle coordinator sent me my lab orders and the donor lab orders with only a little gentle prodding. I need a pap, which is scheduled for 10/31. A mammogram, which I've had recently so sent into the clinic and received confirmation that they received so that's now complete. Legal clearance and prolactin. Talked to coordinator and going to add a progesterone test with the prolactin cause I either have a cyst or a follicle growing. Calendars on are RE's desk for approval and nurse coordinator said she would humor me and let me review donor's calendar before its sent (and tell me how similar or dissimilar it is to her last few cycles), but I start lupron on the 10th allegedly. I'm suppose to stay on active BCP's only.

I've set up another pre-school visit.

I've applied for a few jobs outside of my current employer, which means I had to review and update my resume.

I've set up some acupuncture appointments.

I've worked. I've hung out and played with Max. I've taken on a new foster dog.

I have two potential Halloween Costumes for Max. A baseball player (LA Dodger) or a Fireman, which a friend lent me after I commented that Max alternates between which one he wants on any given day and I hoped Halloween ended up on a ball player day since I didn't have a fire man outfit. The added bonus is that the boots and jacket are actually rain gear and came in good use this morning while walking the dogs in the drizzle.

I've talked to and kept up with a few friends/on-line groups and been really negligent with others for really no good reason other than I just haven't been in the mood to talk/keep up.

I think Max is finally almost over his cold and booger fest of the last few weeks without an ear infection or anything more serious.

I was doing really good about eating decent until the last day or two, but did actually cook a dinner (chicken teriyaki with rice and broccoli) last night that both Max and I (and the dogs) enjoyed. And, I've been bad about taking my vitamins lately and think I'm getting a sore throat as a result or am trying to fight off the cold Max has had at the least.

I think I have decided that Santa is going to get Max an Art easel and some art supplies, but haven't picked out the actual one (so feel free to give me recommendations). I've picked out, but still need to order our Christmas PJ's. I've thought about, but done nothing about ordering Christmas cards with the latest picture of Max and I (the one I'm currently using on this site).

Things are just kind of rolling along little by little. Living life with normal stuff, but nothing big going.

Max's Communication Skills

I just thought I'd share a few examples about how I'm not worried at all about Max's verbal and communication skills even though his teachers at school are. I really think it is a case of him being shy and not knowing that he should and can talk to them. Or, he just picks up a vibe he doesn't like from them or the place. He had his second week of Sunday school this week and loved it. Went right in and started playing with the other children and didn't want to leave. I did take him early and we said a quick "Hi" to his teacher, then went to the sanctuary for him to play in the cry room for a bit before service started. I'm going to take off work next Tuesday and Thursday morning (not that work knows this yet) and go with them to his class so I can get my own observations before his Regional Center Assessment. And, the teachers can get other impressions on how he deals around me, which seems to be so different than from when he isn't.

Anyway, last night Max was up 3 times between midnight and 1 am. I was really confused and disoriented at first which is rare for me and rare to be woken up at this part of my sleep cycle. I stumble in the dark into Max's room and clear as day he said, "I need a fresh diaper". :) So, I changed his diaper and sure enough he had a poo. Back to bed with a few pleas to "sit down" in his room with him. I mumbled about going back to bed and being tired. He woke up again, repeat and rinse, except he didn't have a poo (that I could tell in the dark). He woke up a third time, but we both fell back asleep without me having to leave my bed again.

The other day, he woke up early. Too early even for my let's get prepared for the time change now thing I have going on, by shouting out (now that he's wanting to sleep with his door open, he can hear me if I shout across the house from my bed) that it's still too early go back to sleep. Most often, he does. The other day, he clearly shout back "I want this blanket". I went and gave him another blanket to which he replied "no THIS blanket" of which the second one must have been the one he wanted and he went back to sleep for another few hours almost making us late for Church.

After Church on Sunday, we went over to my friends for brunch. The kids are in different class rooms right next door, but didn't really get to see each other last week. We get out of the car and he starts talking to Charlie, to which Charlie responds, "Max is talking". And, they went off so that Charlie could show Max is room and all his toys and tell him he couldn't touch them because they were for big boys. :) Both Heather and her husband commented on how well and clear Max talks and that was even before I told them about the Regional Center assessment. We all had a good laugh when her husband walked by and clear as day Max's said "Hi Daddy" like the twins. We all agreed that Max was probably about on par with the twins communication wise who will be 4 in January.

A few weeks ago, I watched a friends dog while she went to a big family event out of town. When she got back, she was telling my how much more advanced Max was from the kids his age and older at the event, especially verbally. She doesn't even know about the Regional Center assessment thing.

He's counting to at least 10 in both English and Spanish. He knows the words and sings to a dozen or more songs including the ABC's. This weekend, when he was bouncing around his crib and playing and singing and doing everything except taking a nap, I was treated to a couple of rounds of the Happy Birthday song.

He talks about things that have happened in the past, like about riding the ponies at the pumpkin patch, which we did a few weeks ago that are so out of context to the situation at hand, and I (and others) can clearly understand what he is talking about and referring. His first week of Sunday school, I was a bit surprised to come in and find the teacher drawing snowmen for Max. I just laughed and agreed he had been into Snowmen lately. And, she laughed and said she felt a bit silly, but that's what he was asking and wanted.

I don't know anyone who has come in recent contact with him while I'm around who hasn't clearly understood him. Which is why I think the whole verbal/communication assessment laughable. But, I'm happy to do it and interested in hearing a professionals view point on the whole matter. Regardless of what they say or don't, I have no worries about this aspect of his development.

Max is still sleeping. Through a few toilet flushes. The new foster dog (who arrived yesterday) barking and chasing the cat around the house, me shouting at the dog, (repeat and rinse) and the trash truck going past our house (which is a sound he knows and loves). I'm assuming he is still alive, although I still do worry a tad when he sleeps late like this. The last few weeks, his night time sleep has been getting longer and his naps shorter and less predictable. I'm sure better in the long run, but I sure missed those marathon afternoon naps this weekend.

And, my little terror angel is stirring. Time to officially start a new day soon, cause the day doesn't actually start until Max is released from his crib you know. No matter how long I've been up before him.

Mind Games

Have I mentioned that I'm worried that the BCP's aren't doing their job and suppressing my ovulation? No? Yes? Hmmm. It's on my mind a lot. I think I've come up with the worst case scenario. I couldn't do transfer and they would have to freeze everything/anything. Not my first choice.

I called the clinic today to talk to my coordinator, but she was gone for the day. And, they are in the middle of cycle so are going to be busy this week so likely, I'll let it ride. I really need to go figure out what cd I'm supposed to be on.

All I can say is that I shouldn't be feeling my left ovary. I shouldn't. But, I am.

TGIF!

Oh what a week, what a week.

My boss asked me today how I was doing and I honestly told him. I'm tired out. After work, I want no interaction with anyone. I've put Max down and vegged quietly by myself. No reading. No TV. Very few phone calls. A few mindless computer games. And, that's been it. Work has sucked me dry the last few weeks. I'm glad I mostly have a calm weekend with few plans. We need it, Max, my booger nose boy, and I.

I did have girls night out tonight. Good food. Great company. We only manage to get together about 4 times a year, but it is nice when we do. My neighbor agreed to watch Max for me weeks and months ago (yes, we have to get them on the books well in advance these days) and she looked as tired as I felt. So, I felt a little guilt in that, but still glad I went.

Max started screaming when I started to leave and did the whole breath holding spell thing which made me realize it hadn't happened in quite awhile. It wasn't nearly as hard to leave him now that he is older as it was when he was so little. He woke up a bit when I went to check on him and said "momma sit down".* Then, rolled right over and fell back to sleep.

I realized on my way home how rare it is for me to drive at night anymore. Seriously, not more than a handful (nor more than two) times a year. I remember folks....yes, older folks....okay, what I would call OLD folks, at the time...saying they didn't like driving at night. OMG, I'm becoming one of those people. I was just so tired, and it was drizzling which is rare around here, and traffic was moving fast, the on coming lights were so bright and I realized I was tense and stressed. I was happy to be home safe and sound and in one piece.

Our plans for tomorrow got canceled (actually moved to a day when we can't make it) and I'm watching Nikki, my foster dog who was adopted earlier in the week for the owner who had to go out of town. Our big plans are to take the dogs to the dog/train park and stop by to see the 8:16 and 8:35 am trains, then going grocery shopping. Actually, I'm looking forward to it. All, that is, except that early morning wake up call that I know I will get. It's usually not bad, but after going out and getting to bed late, it's hard and a known price to pay.

* Max always wants me (and Noemi) to sit in the rocking chair in his room after he is put down for the night. I usually will for about 1 minute and then tell him, "it's the dogs turn. I need to go take the dogs out to go pooh pooh and pee pee". Which he tolerates well most of the time, and since I really am outside doesn't bother to cry since no one is around to hear him or cry. Or, for those middle of the night wakings where he needs to be soothed in person, "momma has to go potty" also works.

TGIF! TGIF!! TGIF!!!

Approved

Max was approved for services/assessments from the Regional Center. His service coordinator called today. The assessment is contracted out and will be conducted sometime between October 18 - November 18th for funding reasons and works better with my work schedule anyway.

Max was approved for two assessments 1) a full development assessment by a physical therapist 2) speech and language assessment by either a physical therapist or a speech and language specialist.

The speech and language one kind of makes me laugh because I think he does exceedingly well in this area. But, I'm happy to have him assessed in it, especially since he is so verbal with me and so non-verbal in a school setting not around me.

All and all, I'm kind of excited to see the results.

I'm not thinking Max will be perfect and am fine with him needing services. I'm just happy to be having an objective trained person to give impressions so we can have a plan or put things to rest. Yes, I will be truly and totally shocked if they find any major issues and concerns. However, as Max's ped and I discussed, labels get you services and the services are free. So, even though internally I'd be a tad worried I had completely missed a problem since the mother's instinct is supposed to be the deciding factor in all of this. I will know a label is just a label and says nothing about who Max is as a person (charming, smart, vocal little devil he is) or me as a mother. I actually think he will be ahead in some things and behind in others, but will be happy to see the results be they what they may.

After the assessments, my service coordinator will come to the house to review the results and we will talk about any ongoing service needs.

Interesting Converstation

Yesterday, amid the chaos and challenges of the day, I had a very interesting conversation. Mary (the lady who adopted Nikki, my foster dog), Barbara (who coordinates my fostering and adoptions for the golden retriever rescue), and I were doing the needed paper work (which is minimal) and talking. Mary asked me if I was a single mom, then if there was a father in the picture. :) I said yes, I'm a single mom and that I used donor sperm. It's funny because I could tell that Barbara was very interested even though she had never asked. Although we have "worked" together and had interactions for months, I guess she didn't feel it was appropriate to ask/felt comfortable asking herself, but she sure was happy to get details. :) I guess I'm the third person Mary knows who has gone this route. Both were very interested in whether I planned or had found half siblings. Barbara is also a single mom and shared that her daughter was adopted (although I'm not sure if she adopted as a single woman or adopted while married and then divorced). Her daughter is now a teenager and seems to be craving a genetic connection to someone. I explained on how the donor was willing to be known once Max was an adult and how I had not yet sought out siblings, but may in the future if that was something that was important to Max. And, I got the familiar question about whether I wanted more children and gave my standard...yes, I'd love another and I've been trying without success. And, added how that is one of the reasons I'm happy with fostering dogs for now instead of adopting. You could tell both women were interested, supportive, and a bit impressed. Not that I'm looking for approval or acceptance because of my choices and how I built/am building my family, but sometimes it comes in the oddest circumstances with the strangest people. I could tell both women were happy for me and respected that I had gone this route. Their interest seemed a bit more personal than the normal voyeuristic curiosity. Since this was a quick conversation in the middle of a hectic day while Max was throwing a fit because he didn't want to go for his nap and Roxy (the dog I was watching for the weekend was jumping all about making a nuisance of herself as only a small dog, IMO, can), we didn't get into details of our lives. However, it left me wondering about Barbara's journey to adoption and whether Mary (whose is 65 and lives alone) ever had children or wished the same options were available to her then that are available now. It was just a small, small part of yesterday, and yet, it is what is still with me today.

What a day, is it over yet?

It's been a long, long hard day. Nothing major just a bunch of hassles like Max fighting with Roxy (the dog I'm watching for a long weekend), having no internet connection today causing me to have to cancel two meetings, Max waking up hours before the crack of dawn, stuff like that. I got my draft contract from the lawyer today. It's 17 pages and I need a fresh mind to stay focused when reading legalese so I'm saving that for tomorrow.

Oh, and I came up with my latest worry today. I'm now worried that BCP's won't suppress me. I have never ever had a problem before. Yet, the last time I took them was before I started having the no response to stims things. I'm trying to convince myself that its such a long shot that I should not worry and certainly not panic that I'll get to Thanksgiving week only to find out that my body is once again doing its own darn thing. As such, I'll probably try to go in for an u/s in a week or two just to make sure and ease my fears.

Max's Ped Appointment

A friend reminded me that I put a teaser out there. I guess I was more of a tease than intended cause I just plain forgot to post about Max's pediatrician appointment the other week.

The appointment went well. I really like his ped and the practice a lot. Plus, I think it was very good to go just to talk/when Max didn't need a shot. Max didn't want to go in the room. He was just standing in the doorway saying "owie, owie, owie" over and over. It took both the nurse and I telling him there wasn't any shots to get him to cross the threshold.

Dr. H and I had a nice talk and he observed Max while we did. He was happy I told him he couldn't stop me from getting an assessment at this point if we were approved for one as he sees teachers as part of "the team" and it would be just more input. He also explained he was a late talker and turned out just fine, but in today's standards would have been referred for services. The bottom line is that he thinks Max is just fine and there are no serious issues. He makes eye contact. He talks. He did something for the sole purpose of trying to get Dr. H to laugh, can't remember what right now...my funny boy...that Dr. H said was a good sign (in that kids with autism and/or sensory issues don't often do. However, he does think that Max's fine motor skills are a bit behind. He pointed out that Max usually picks up things with his entire hand instead of just his finger and thumb. Since he pointed it out, I notice it is very true. I've set up a few scenario's like the "play the money game" where we dump the coins and put them back into the slot of "the bank". Max can pick them up with the pointer and thumb and will a few times, but then goes to the whole hand thing.

A day or two after Max's ped appointment our contact from the regional center called back to ask a few more questions, mostly to clarify, and I got the impression to see if she got the same answers. And, I told her about what Dr. H said as well as re-reviewed the feedback I had from the school.

Our case was supposed to have been presented last Wednesday. We should get a letter in the mail within 10 days either way indicated whether services will be provided/an assessment scheduled. If we are approved, a social worker will call to set up the assessment.

So, basically, just now waiting to see on whether we are approved or not.

I'm really fine with the whole thing now. After talking to a bunch of people, doing a little research, and observing Max, there is just no way there can be anything seriously wrong with him. If services aren't provided by the regional center, I'll just make an effort to work with Max more myself. It's funny. I had Max's teacher, who speaks Spanish, explain it all to Noemi. I had tried, but figured she didn't really understand even though she told me she did/though she did. When she got home on Tuesday after class, she told me what they said and was more put out and denying it (not quite argumentative) than I would ever think to be. She insisted that Max was fine and she had seen a lot of kids and there were no problems. It made me smile and a bit worried that she wouldn't be willing to work with him on things. There are a few things I've really wanted her to do like take Max in the pool more in the summer and read to him before nap (even buying lots of children's books in Spanish to aid in this), that just don't happen.

I like that after the ped appointment I know more of what to look for and activities to do to improve. At this point, I'm really hoping we are approved and receive services for just a little while. It will be anti climatic at this point to be denied. Plus, I'd just like to get another persons perspective and ideas on activities and improvement opportunities.

In the mean time, we just wait, wait, wait to hear the verdict. And, it's just adding to the waiting I'm doing for the cycle. I won't say I'm getting good at the whole waiting game, but I am getting a lot of practice.

Doggy Adoption

Hopefully, the last post made sense. I just posted it quickly when a potential adopter of my foster dog came and haven't gone back to read it/make sure it is even articulate.

It looks like my foster dog Nikki is going to be adopted tomorrow at noon PT. The lady seems very nice and I think it will be a good match. And, I'll get visitation rights/get to see Nikki a few more times at least. The lady adopting was concerned because she has plans to be out of town next weekend and a 4 day trip later in the month. She didn't want to adopt and then have to leaver her, which I agree with her and don't think Nikki would do well with that situation. So, I told her I'd be happy to take Nikki back while she was out of town so she didn't have to worry.

She made some comment about it being hard to foster and let them go. And, really, I'm not ready to adopt my own so the fostering is perfect. I've been happy to have Nikki and am happy that she is going to such a great home. I feel really good about fostering, like I'm giving back to the community...kind of like I feel about being the polling place for my precinct...in a way that I enjoy. And, I'm happy I'm doing this for Max, who just loves, loves, loves the doggies. At some point in my future, I know we will be ready for a new dog of our own, but now just isn't the time.

Sunday School

Max had his first day of Sunday school today. It was the first time I left him alone in a classroom setting. He did fine. He cried a bit when I said I was leaving, but then his teacher (who has twin boys in the 3 year old class) got him interested in tractors. I had thought about staying the first week, but I was feeling tired and crabby since I stayed up too late and knew the break would be good for both of us and my friend enrolled her 3 year olds so we were meeting to go to mass together. However, Max is too much. As soon as he was "freed" from the classroom, he walked right over to the cry room in the sanctuary and hung out in there making sure that I realized he didn't consider Sunday school church. After he played in the sanctuary for awhile listing and commenting on the music of the choir practicing for the 11 am mass, he then went and played on the playground like we normally would have. And, no time for going out to eat at the restaurant then. Max is too much and had me laughing up a storm. I was floored when I realized he didn't want to go play on the playground and when he walked right into the "cry room" bypassing all of the activity and people in the hall getting donughts and announced. Church! I may try to get to the early service next week with him before his Sunday school since it appeared missing it was important to him, but don't think they have music at that one so he probably won't like it so much.

Undeserved

I've been troubled by something odd this week. I had a performance review and received an "above average" rating on my performance. Now, in truth, I can't remember a time in recent years when I haven't received such a rating, but they changed the definitions, the criteria if you will, for this review and based on that, I truly shouldn't have received that rating. When I got the review, I was happy, but surprised. I talked to my peer, a guy I have a lot of respect for a bit later to give him a "heads up" on something that came up in the course of my conversation with my boss that he would want to know about. My peer had also had his review that day and asked me straight out what I had received. It made me uncomfortable and maybe I shouldn't have, but I told him. My peer received an average rating and I got the hard coveted above average for the group. And, I know in my heart of hearts that our performance is similar and should have received a similar rating. However, I have a better/more known history not only with my boss, but my boss's boss, who is new to being his boss, and who I have worked as a peer with in the past. So, this is really good news for me and sucky for him and I have been feeling bad about it.

Yesterday, I signed the loan docs for my refinance and woke up feeling a bit stressed about the monthly payment and how much of my paycheck it was going to take and how I was going to make ends meet and what and where could I cut back on to make things so there won't be so financially tight because there is no way I can afford to pay any credit card debt along with this mortgage payment.

I started thinking that what I really need is more money each month. And, finally, I'm not feeling so badly for the rating anymore because it means that I will likely get a raise sooner rather than later and that will help. I'm not usually a person so driven by money, but at times like these it will sure come in handy and help.

Loving It!

No, I'm not loving the fact that it is 12:40 am and I'm up. Not that part.

I'm loving Max's communication skills at the moment.

He woke up crying. I waited and he still wasn't settling. Almost dozed back off, then he started it again. So, I went in and asked him what was the matter, not really expecting any response other than more milk.

What I got back was "Momma, itchy, want cream". So, I got him up, changed his diaper, put lotion on his legs. And, now he is back to sleep or at least quiet.

I would have never figured that one out. So, far anyway, the terrible two's hasn't really been so terrible. Yes, Max melts down on occassion when he can't get his way, but I almost always understand him these days.

It's really great. I don't always get back the response I expect, but it is nice that he can tell me the real deal eliminating the guess work.

Back to bed for me. Night night.

All systems go....

This Donor Egg thing is really going to happen. My money came in on Friday and I was able to deposit it that day. They have a hold on the funds and will release about $5K on 10/5 and the rest on 10/16.

The check is in the mail to the agency as of a few minutes ago along with a notarized copy of the agency agreement. Really, it is two checks one to be deposited on Friday and the other on the 16th for the remaining money due to above said hold. Just like that $23K gone. It causes me to think "Holy Crap! What the hell am I doing? That's a lot of money" (or alternately "Holy Fuck, this is real and going to happen."

I picked out a lawyer. His check is in the mail along with a retainer agreement. I could have met with him face to face, but it would take at least 1/2 a day round trip which I just don't have right now.

I got the CD3 lab results from my donor today. Her FSH is 4.9 and estradiol 33. My agency endeared themselves to me when they authorized those labs last week when my donor got her period even though it is against their policy to do so without having their money. I was actually very good about not stressing about the money and when it would come because I had/have done everything in my power to get it as fast as I could. I was resigned to getting delayed if needed, but am thrilled, thrilled, thrilled, they trusted me enough when I said I was 100% committed to the cycle and there was 0% the money would not be available and that it was just a timing issues.

I'm getting my period today. Just spotting and cramping and general blah bloated feeling that a nice cheeseburger and chocolate shake will help I'm sure. Hey, I had to celebrate (with a cheap drive thru meal since the big bucks are not going towards food these days) on the way home from the motorization/mail stop, right?

I paid the deposit to my clinic a few weeks ago on a card and the rest of the money isn't due for awhile...maybe early November?...so plenty of time to pay that once the hold is lifted on the rest of the money.

Like mentioned above, occasionally, I get freaked out over the money thing. Every now and again, I feel extreme fear (terror really) that I'll go through all this and it won't work. Sometimes, I'm sad that I didn't conceive with my own eggs and have to go this route. Others, I'm angry as hell and pissed that it didn't work with my own eggs. Mostly, I'm getting excited. It's feeling a bit surreal.

When I really stop and think about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, I feel peace. It took me awhile to get here, but I now that I am. I know that I'm on the right path for me and for my family. I take a deep breath and remind myself of that when I start stressing.

Bottom line: ALL SYSTEMS GO. WE ARE APPROVED FOR TAKEOFF.

Donor Details

I don't think I have yet posted it. Here is the high level calendar and my donor's previous cycle history. I don't even know this woman and can care less about her true motivation, I'm just grateful that women like her exist that 1) have decent eggs and 2) are willing to share them.

Start stims November 28th with travel to CA on Dec 3rd for a first appointment on Dec 4th. Anticipated retrieval is between the 6th through 12th, depending on the donor (your donor would probably be on/around Dec 8th or 9th).

Here is her previous history:
5X Prior Donor (I'll be her 6th cycle)

April 2004 - 25 eggs retrieved, 17 fertilized, 14 viable at day-3, 3 transferred; singleton pg (8 frozen)

July 2004 - 17 eggs retrieved, 12 fertilized, 11 day-3
embryos, 3 transferred and 3 frozen; singleton birth

March 2005 - 18 eggs retrieved, 16 mature, 15 fertilized with ICSI (male factor), 12 viable at day-3, 2 tx'd and 7 frozen - singleton pregnancy

July 2005 - 23 eggs retrieved, 21 mature, 18 fertilized, 13
viable on day-3, 2 tx'd and 9 frozen and twin pregnancy

June 2006 - 22 eggs retrieved, 19 mature, 16 fertilized, 11 viable day-3 embryos, 2 transferred, 7 frozen and singleton pg.

She will be 27 at time of ER.

The Tease

Where to start? Where to start?

It has been a very busy week at work and after work and lots of appointments/get togethers with friends. I have lots to say and update, but I'm not feeling the love tonight. Taking a shower and washing my hair (oh, the cliche about washing your hair on a Saturday night) which I can't even remember when I last washed and is starting to get itchy is going to take precedence.

Plus, I found this Spider Solitaire game on my computer that I think I'm currently addicted. My win percent is slowly going up after at least 10 losses in a row as I get the hang of it. For those who know the game, I'm talking about the intermediate level with two suits. I've gone from 0% to 29% with my last win.

When I get the time and the motivation, I want to talk about Max's pediatrician appointment on Wednesday, my DE cycle, and how I'm sure I'm about to ovulate as I've felt follicles growing all week and was within walking distance of my RE's office and only mildly felt like going and getting a follicle check.

The end.

PreSchool

Max's nanny had a doctor's appointment this morning so I used it as an opportunity to take Max to visit a preschool that I really liked. It has one spot left in the 2 year class and I was prepared to put a deposit down and have him start after the first of the year. And, I didn't. I decided I need to think about it some more. It is just one teacher with 7 - 8 kids, all boys except 1 girl. And, it just felt chaotic. They don't want the children playing with toys or other distractions, but it takes like 5 minutes or more to transition. There was no teachers helper and when the teacher needed to leave the room to change a poopy diaper, she had to call another teacher over to watch both classes (open floor plan with 3 classes, but blocked by a rolling shelf to keep the kids from wandering into the other spaces). The teacher seemed a bit overwhelmed. But, they just split the toddler class and graduated this group into a 2 year class and today was the very first day for all of the kids and this teacher in the new classroom so that had to play into it. I'm going to look at a few more. Maybe go back to this other school I looked at and didn't take Max to that had a teacher with an assistant in each class. It didn't feel awful, just almost no individual attention, but my expectations are probably not realistic. I talked to another one of Max's teachers in his Tuesday/Thursday mommy and me classes and she said that the state ratio was 1 - 12 sot a 1 - 8 was really good. I think about putting him in, then go to visit and then think I need to keep him home for longer. Sigh. I guess I'll keep looking.

ETA: This was a Montessori school. They were outside playing when we got there, but moving inside. Then, it was wash hands and change diapers and into the new classroom after the teacher was done (kids were watched by the other two teacher in the big room until then). Then, it was snack time. Transition to circle time with songs. Transition to some Montessori puzzles, which only 1 of the kids was interested in and could really do. Transition to coloring. Next was transition to potty time, wash hands, then lunch, then nap so we left. We were there about 2 hours and I was exhausted, not because it was physically taxing, but it was just so many kids in a small area with only one teacher trying to keep everyone on task.

The thing I like most was that she always used positive language asking the child to do what she wanted, not telling them that they shouldn't or couldn't do something.

Ick!

I haven't been liking my job much lately for a lot of reasons that one can't really get into in such a public forum, but I have a renewed appreciation for it today. I have come across a job that I could never do no matter how much money I was paid. Dead Animal collector. Yet, I'm incredibly glad that not everyone feels that way.

I was out of town for the weekend. We got home tired. I noticed a smell in the house and looked around, but couldn't identify the smell. I took out all the trash, started the laundry, kept looking around. Today, it was getting worse and identified the source as the guest bathroom, which I had looked in. I went outside and found a possum had dislodge the little access area and died inside.

I called Dead Animal pickup and talked to a really witchy lady who said the city couldn't remove it since it was under the house, technically, even though I explained that they could just reach in a get it, and asked her to send someone anyway. Hoping that whoever came would take pity on me. In the mean time, I called the company that I have monthly service with and my normal guy was going to come out. He was supposed to be here at noon and the city came at 12:10 pm. I explained and told him I was told that he couldn't get it, but the other guy was late. And, he just pulled it out by his tail and bagged him and hauled him off for me. It was so gross and maggoty I can't even tell you. I thanked him profusely. My pest control guy got here about 5 minutes later, relieved he didn't have to deal with it, told me that had saved me a lot of money, sprayed in there really good, and then did my monthly service since he was here. Then, Max's nanny sprayed it with bleach really good. I didn't asked and planned on doing it myself after my work meetings. But, I think she was motivated to try to reduce the putrid smell in here. Probably, all of above said activities have had a desired affect and it isn't quite so disgusting around here.

Thank God that there are people willing to do this for a profession (and that the city guy did it and I didn't have to pay extra for it), cause I just know. I couldn't have done it myself. I started gaging and almost lost it just watching the guy from about 20 feet away.

Taking Turns

I've been meaning to mention that after taking a short break and not wanting to be bathed or wet at all, Max moved quite awhile back from those sink baths he loved to wanting to take showers. We got into a routine where he would just shower with me in the morning and then continue to play in the water/tub, usually with the shower water beating down on him while I get ready. It was a very nice routine and I liked it. However, I have to say that my son has gotten to be a big ole' water hog and has decided that he should get ALL the turns under the water. As he tells me..."No Momma's turn. Max's turn. Max's turn. No Momma's turn" as he's trying to shove me out of the way. Good thing I weigh more than he does and love him so much. I've decided that in the long run, it is good that he is starting to get this concept of taking turns, even if he does think he should get them all right now. But, I'm not enjoying my showers nearly as much as I have in the past. Then, I remind myself, that this too shall pass and he will be on to the next phase soon enough.

Blah, Blah, Blah

How I'm feeling? Extremely anxious, high strung, stressed mixed with some anger and sadness.

How I want to be feeling? Calm, serene, at peace

I probably should go take a warm bath the help me relax and settle so I can get some sleep tonight, but I really don't feel like getting wet.

And, this is probably stating the obvious to everyone except me, I came to the conclusion between yesterday and today after very limited Internet reading and several conversations with friends who have experience and know these things, that it is so unlikely that Max has a brain tumor that will kill him, or severe autism, or sensory delay disorder, that I probably shouldn't worry about it. And, if he does have a delay or issues with his fine motor skills, it may JUST mean that he has a delay with his fine motor skills. Nothing more and nothing less. I realized that I read into and fed off of what the teacher didn't say and how she said it probably more or just as much as what she said.

I really have to catch myself from wishing my life away right now, cause I really wish it were Christmas already with the cycle behind me with hopefully the best Christmas present with the cycle having worked. I can't believe how stressed out and anxious I feel right now. I think once I get the whole money thing worked out and pay everyone what I need to pay them I'll be feeling a lot better.

Maybe I will go take that relaxing warm bath after all.

What if your "gut" is wrong?

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now and not sure where to start. I found out today that the financing for my DE cycle isn't going to be ready by the time I need it. I'm only on cd15, but it sure feels like I will be getting my period any day now. I'm not typically a crier, but seem to be crying over every little thing the last day or so. I've asked Max's nanny to be home at a certain time and put Max to sleep by around 12:30 every single day this week because he is napping until anywhere from 4 - 5:30 pm the last week or so which is messing up bedtime. Work is a PITA, but it is work and pays the bills. I'm getting over a cold and mostly feeling better, but not 100%.

But, here is the biggest worry....

Max has been attending a few programs through a ready to school program with his nanny several days a week. Originally, it was a Monday music class for 1 hour in the morning and a 3 hour Mommy and Me class that follows the school year (been off for summer, but just started up again) on Thursday mornings. His regular Thursday teacher went out on maternity leave. The new teacher felt he would benefit from attending a Tuesday session they have an ESL (English as a second language) class for Noemi that provides day care by the same teacher in an adjoining room. I happily agreed because I think it would be/is good for both Max, although not for really the same reasons she suggested. They have been doing this for maybe 4 - 6 months now weekly including the summer.

I talk to the people who run the program usually several times a month for some reason or another. Occasionally, forms get sent home that I fill out and turn back in around various things. I got a message from Max's teacher yesterday afternoon, but not until after she had left for the day. I didn't think too much about it, but because of her tone I mentally made it a priority to call her back sooner rather than later. I had a 10 - 15 minute break between meetings this morning and was able to talk to her, but was totally not prepared for what she had to say.

She was requesting permission to put a referral in for Max to "The Regional Center" for a full evaluation of Max because she has concerns with his motor skills. I first agreed and then asked for a bit more information on why she felt that way and what she was observing in the short amount of time I had left to talk with her. She said that Max is a lot more comfortable with them and smiles and interacts and talks (which he wasn't doing before and why she originally recommended him attend the Tuesday class), but that his motor skills don't seem to be strong and he doesn't have good grasp strength. I asked for some examples or what she observed to help me better understand. She said they have this cash register toy where you push the coins in the slot and that Max has a very hard time with it and eventually gets it, but gets very frustrated and struggles, that he seems to stumble a lot, and walks on his tippy toes a fair amount. We don't have a cash register toy, but I have witnessed similar when he works with sorter toys and puzzles. I also agree that he stumbles and falls on a fair amount, but really didn't think too much about it since I'm not all that gracefully myself and the sperm donor said he was a bit clumsy and uncoordinated and I'm not sure he stumbles or falls any more or less than the next kid and his center of gravity is different since he is so tall and skinny. I actually meant to ask Max's ped or at least mention it during Max's 2 year appointment, but only mentioned that Max wasn't interested in blocks or stacking them and forgot about the tippy toe thing.

I did a couple of quick Internet searches on motor skills while in a few work meetings that didn't need my entire attention and it is enough to freak a person out
with either Autism or Sensory Processing Delay as the only information I got back from my searches. Although, I'll admit I am a really bad Internet searcher so I'm sure there is better information out there for someone more skilled at tapping into it or I may find if I can give my full attention to it.

I have call into a good friend who has researched this and is dealing with some of it with her son, but at least had heard of the regional center and knew what to ask the teacher because of her and other mom's dealing with this sort of thing in some on-line communities I read/participate.

I also called his pediatricians office and had a good talk with their wonderful nurse. She was just as great on the phone today when I got all emotional and started crying as she was when I called when Max was an infant and upset because of jaundice or some other such worry or concern. I have an appointment for next Wednesday with Max's doctor to discuss. We agreed and I had already planned to call the teacher back when I had more time and wasn't as emotional to ask more questions and get more information to share with Dr. H.

I want to know what is best case scenario, what is worse case scenario, what is the most likely scenario, what it means and what should I do and look out for?

I have always heard that you should go with your gut on these things. If you think there is a problem, get it checked out because you are likely right. I have asked this before, even before it was so personal and close to home...What if your gut tells you everything is fine? How will you know if you are wrong?

My gut tells me and always has told me that Max is fine, but I don't know what I don't know. I see a side of Max that is very different than what others see. He seems to act very different with me or when I'm around than when I'm not. He seems like a completely normal 2 year old to me. But, I'm not sure I know what normal is at this point. When does each child's' normal development rate become a sign of more serious problems? What is normal? You couldn't stop me from having a full assessment done by the regional center at this point. I need more information and I want it now. And, that's not the way things work on this sort of thing.

I'm still in a bit of shock on the whole topic and haven't really had time to process it yet. And, my schedule is such that I may not for awhile. Maybe that is a good thing. In the mean time, I'll try not to burst into tears over every little thing. Sometimes life seems harder than others and it's feeling awful hard right now. Hard enough that I quickly questioned my sanity on trying to have another child/children and going through with the DE cycle. However, you couldn't stop me from going forward with that right now no matter how much it will complicate my life this fall and beyond or how much extra stress it will add. It took me awhile to come to the decision to move forward, but I've felt such peace with the decision and more excitement (and fear) about it than I have in a long, long time about anything.

Max's 2 Year Pictures

I just love getting pictures done. Here are Max's 2 Year Pictures. My cousin was in town and we planned it to get pictures of them with Max. I especially wanted to have one of him and CC as she is the most fun and interesting person and love of his life. I got them back last night and here they are. I'm really pleased with how they turned out.


Max and Mommy


Momma's Shoes

CC

CC and Max - Ride 'em Cowboy!


The whole gang!

I keep thinking that it will be easier to get "good" pictures of Max as he gets older. It's still a workout and I'm always amazed that we get any with him smiling. I love the one with him on the horse with my shoes. He was so "done" and I knew we hadn't got a good picture of him by himself yet. So, I offered up my shoes to him as he is in a total "momma's shoes" phase. And, finally we got the picture.

While in messing with these pictures, I took another browse through the DE pictures I have. I came to realize that it is her childhood pictures rather than her adult pictures that really drew me to her. There is one picture of her as a preteen with a retainer and long thick hair that just could have been me at the same age. In fact, my cousin, when I showed her, thought it was me. I'm still mostly on board and at peace with moving to donor egg.

I do have moments of fear and panic or sadness.

When I look at her nose and compare it to mine (of which I think is the only clear attribute of mine that Max inherited) and am sad that if I am fortunate enough to have another child, they won't have my nose. Then, I remind myself that they also won't inherit my fat gene and struggle their whole life with feeling and being fat. And, I'm fine again.

When I look at her cycle history from her previous 5 cycles and realize that she hasn't cycled in almost a year and a half, I worry that her body and response will have changed and I'll be her only dud cycle. Along the same line, when we talk about having her labs done, I worry that her FSH will have sky rocketed or they will find some problem and we will decide not to proceed.

I'm starting to worry about which RE will be in charge of the case and plan to ask my coordinator about that since I would rather have Dr. A if at all possible even as busy as he is. I have come to like Dr. Q, but he just doesn't have the same level of experience yet and I'm paying a lot of money for this. I have a lot of hopes and dreams riding on this cycle.

I worry that I have changed and that even though I have carried a child to term, that there is some unknown hidden problem with me that will cause this not to work. And, swear to myself I'm going to be better about drinking my water and getting exercise and all of those "other" things that could or could not make a difference.

Mostly, I'm glad that I have years of ttc experience and have been through the process so many times. I know that as much as you try not to worry, you do. Even over stupid little things that need no worry. And, the higher the ante, the more stress and worry. I'm sure there are ttc failures that I haven't had, but I've had enough to know that if I have another I won't break. I'll survive, like I have all the others. I remind myself that you only have so much control in this process...so little control...and you just need to take deep breaths and let it go.

Speaking of letting it go, I'm thinking about starting up acupuncture again. Not with the one that I have been using, but the one that I love. The one over the hill. Not because I think it will help my fertility, but to help the stress.

I'm more excited about anything than I have been in awhile about this cycle. And, conversely getting more and more worried about it and the outcome.

STOP IT! JUST STOP IT! - Edited

To use a phrase from my son....

Warning: Rant about to commence

My neighbors are having a party and have blaring music since early afternoon. And, it is not music I even remotely like. I don't like loud music. I don't play loud music. I like my quiet when I can get it. Normally, my neighborhood is quiet. A nice place to live. The music is so loud that is seems much closer than several houses away. I have a headache from trying to tune it out. I'm tired of it. I want it to stop.

I was here getting more and more tense and angry and frustrated. So, upset that I got up, got dressed, left my sleeping child and walked over and nicely asked them to please turn it down, explaining that my day starts at 5. They were very nice about it and invited me over said they would go turn it down. And, it changed exactly nothing. The music is still loud and obnoxious (to me).

I'm tired. I never did get that nap I so longed for. Now, I can't even get to fucking sleep because of all the fucking noise. It is noise pollution. It is hurting my ears. It is hurting my head. It is hurting my mental health. Please, please make is stop.

I actually thought about about calling the police, but I'm not that much of a smuck. However, I'm secretly hoping one of my other neighbors does even though it would get pinned on me since I did the, at least in my own mind, honorable thing by going and talking to them directly.

Please, please, please make it stop. It is inconsiderate and not very nice and annoying.

Edited: Okay, so I am a bigger smuck than I would like. No, I didn't call the cops, but I did go back over there...with Max in my arms, since he had woken up and couldn't get back to sleep with all the noise. I wasn't mean, but I sure wasn't as nice as I was the first time. And, the music got turned down to just loud not obnoxious to the point where your blood is boiling in time with the fast, hyperfast beat. Low enough that Max is now at least quiet again in his crib if not yet asleep. And, finally, I think they have turned it off. I really don't care if they consier me the bitch of the neighborhood. I really can't live like that. Sure, it's fine if you are at some wild dance club that doesn't play good mucsic or music to which you can actually dance. I rarely went to places like that. I didn't like it then and I don't like it now. Maybe finally, I can get to sleep. I'm sure it won't be enough. I never feels like enough these days.

Guilt and other random thoughts

I would love to be napping right now. In fact, I was drifting off and so relaxed and comfy and starting to dream. And, the cat started puking on my bed. Damn it! The opportunity is lost for today. Did he know that I have been dreaming about a nap, set up my whole day to increase the possibility and is getting back at me for something?

Anyway, I've been browsing a few job posting after my cousin got laid off and actually applied to one last night. I'm not sure that I want it, which is a good thing, since I forgot to put my employer on the resume. Hey, I was tired and converting an internal resume. Oh well, we will see if I get a call back. I'm more than qualified for the job, but don't think too qualified. Probably, they will not want to pay me what I would request to make a move. However, it was interesting enough and close that I decided to actually update my resume and submit and application.

Now, on the the guilt....

Mostly, I'm fine with this whole moving to donor egg thing and not having a genetic connection. I worry more about how the child might feel at some point in the future, especially with Max having a genetic connection. Then, remind myself that you just don't know so no point in speculating. It will be what it will be and I hope to be able to include in the contract the possibility for any child/children to meet said donor at least once if they desire when they are a legal adult.

However, I've had to catch myself a few times with ....

Maybe if I had lost the weight

Maybe it was the bug spray from the monthly service for ants and spiders

Maybe using the microwave too much

Maybe heating things on plastic in the microwave

Maybe, Maybe, Maybe...

Then, I remind myself that it doesn't matter, really. My ovaries are fried. I'm getting nothing. Because of that, I'm mostly at peace with my decision and just waiting to get the ball rolling once the loan goes through.

Once or twice, I think about what if I go through all this and it doesn't work. Will I really be done like I think I will be? Probably, but I would also be devastated. I need to make some plans around Max's preschool, but find myself wanting to do things differently if I do get preg. or if I don't. So, I feel in so many ways like I'm in a holding pattern for now to the end of the year.

I want to get this show on the road. I want to be pregnant again already. Short of that, I want to be working my way through the task list. Pay agency, pay clinic, get contract in place, etc. etc. I want my calendar so I can see if my plans to go to Arizona for Thanksgiving will be impacted and if so, by how much.

But, I wait, wait, wait until the refi loan goes through. And, wish I were napping.

STOP IT!

Max has started saying "STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!" a lot the last day or two. And, I know it is not something I ever have said to him. And, it seems unlikely that Noemi has said this to him. So, I asked him who had said that to him and why? Hey, I figured it was worth a shot and I was curious (and keep forgetting to ask Noemi). When I asked, he got a big smile on his face, ran over to me and started pulling my hair and yelling stop it repeatedly. There you have it. I didn't get the who or the where, but I the why came through loud and clear. Ah, that son of mine. He does make me laugh, even when he is exasperating me like he has the last two nights.

The last two days, he has taken really long naps sleeping until almost 5 pm and his bed time is at 7 - 7:15 pm. I've thought about letting him stay up a bit later in the hopes that he may sleep a bit later, but I have to tell you he has been so hyper and mischievous (almost bordering on mean and he is not a mean kid) and rambunctious right before bed that I've put him in the crib and zipped him in earlier than planned to keep him from hurting me and the dogs in his zeal and singing to him with him in the crib (instead of in the rocking chair). He made a half hearted effort to fuss before settling down and putting in his song requests. And, my "I can't sit in the chair/sing longer because I need to take the dogs out to go pee pee and poo poo. They are waiting." works like a charm. He seems to really get this and by the time I am back in side, he has settled and quiet.

I'm reminding myself that this is just a phase like all others and it too shall pass, but have thought about waking him up earlier tomorrow as much as that goes against my grain. We will see. I'm just too tired for these type of antics before bed. Like him purposely spilling and dripping his milk all over his face, body, and couch laughing and thinking he is hilarious while I'm trying to diaper and cream and dress him for bed. Or, instead of picking a book or two to read for bed, throwing them all on the ground. Granted, he did pick them all up again when I asked... before doing it again to see what the reaction would be...then threw them back up the second time until I reminded him that "we don't throw our books". He's just testing and looking for a reaction. I understand this. But, right before bed when I'm tired is more strain on me to keep my cool and be consistent. I wanted to yell "STOP IT!", but I refrained.

Oh, and Shadow really is doing a lot, lot, lot better. I've been making sure she gets the softer bed the last few nights and upped her pain meds a bit and it isn't my imagination, she is doing better. Still limping a bit, but is walking around the house more and happy and able to go out in the morning and evening for a short walk down the lawn and back up. We haven't made it past our house yet, but I think that will come again. I'm so happy and relieved about this.

Water and Weight Loss

I found a web site called IHealthRecord (https://my.medem.com/mymedem/ui/action/home.do) a few weeks back and signed up. I think I was browsing for developmental milestones or something and took a link to another link to another link and found it and signed up. I haven't done much with the site, but did sign up to get a few news letters on various topics...one of which is around weight loss...which I think about more than I have taken practical steps on. I read the article below and found it very interesting. I, like probably most people, had heard that drinking water helped when dieting, but I had never heard the whys listed below other than the first one (an appetite suppressant). I vowed this morning that I was going to start drinking more water, because if I could do nothing else, I could do that. And, I didn't drink nearly enough water and drank more soda (Diet Caffeine free) than normal. Why? Why do I do that? It's almost like an internal sabotage. It did make me realize that I was always so much better about it, but I was also starting my day by hiking in the morning and drink while and after that which got things off to a good start. Tomorrow, I will just try to do better.

Article:
Water suppresses the appetite naturally and helps the body metabolize
stored fat. Studies have shown that a decrease in water intake will cause
fat deposits to increase, while an increase in water intake actually can
reduce fat deposits. Here's why: The kidneys can't function properly
without enough water. When they don't work to capacity, some of their
load is dumped into the liver. One of the liver's primary functions is to
metabolize stored fat into usable energy for the body. But if the liver
has to do some of the kidney's work, it can't operate at full throttle.
As a result, it metabolizes less fat, more fat remains stored in the body,
and weight loss stops.

Drinking enough water is the best treatment for fluid retention. When the
body gets too little water, it perceives this as a threat to survival and
begins to hold on to every drop. Water is stored in extracellular spaces
(outside the cells). This shows up as swollen feet, legs and hands.

The best way to overcome the problem of water retention is to give your
body what it needs - plenty of water. Only then will stored water be
released.

If you have a constant problem with water retention, excess salt may be to
blame. Your body will tolerate sodium only in a certain concentration.
The more salt you eat, the more water your system retains to dilute it.
But getting rid of unneeded salt is easy - lessen salt in your diet and
drink more water! As water is forced through the kidneys, it takes away
excess sodium.

The overweight person needs more water than a thin one. Larger people
have larger metabolic loads. Since we know that water is the key to fat
metabolism, it follows that the over-weight person needs more water.

Water helps to maintain proper muscle tone by giving muscles their natural
ability to contract and by preventing dehydration. It also helps to
prevent the sagging skin that usually follows weight loss -- shrinking
cells are buoyed by water, which plumps the skin and leaves it clear,
healthy and resilient.

Water helps rid the body of waste. During weight loss, the body has a lot
more waste to dispose of. All that metabolized fat must be shed. Again,
adequate water helps flush out the waste.

Average intake: 8 glasses a day (about two quarts). And make sure to
increase your water intake during hot, dry weather and during brisk
exercise.

This message has been prepared by the Division of Endocrinology at Scott &
White Clinic as a means of providing health education to the public.

Dinner?

Last night, I asked Max what he wanted for dinner. It was a rhetorical question as I was pondering our choices. The response I got back was "JAMBA JUICE, JAMBA JUICE, JAMBA JUICE". Uncle Jim introduced him to Jamba Juice over the last two weekends and saying that Max loved it is probably an understatement. So, we went to Jamba Juice for dinner and split a drink and a soft pretzel since it was a better idea than what I was coming up with.

For breakfast this morning, he had "CC's Cereal" more commonly known as Rice Crispy cereal. And, then cheese, hard pretzels, and raisins while walking the dogs. And, then, some of my oatmeal.

What can I say, he's prey to the power of suggestion. He is a funny kid.

Oh, and Shadow seems to be doing a bit better today so I think I'm just going to watch and see for another day or two. And, I don't think I'm just seeing what I want to see.

Things that have me down

I'm sad.

I'm sad because my dog Shadow isn't doing to well. She's having a really hard time walking. It seems to be her right shoulder/arm. I'd take her into the vet, but I'm not sure I could get her into and out of the car. And, I'm afraid she'll recommend I put her down and I'm not ready for that yet. But, know that I never will be. I was up early this morning and decided I would call the vet and see if I could talk to her about it, but start to cry every time I even think about it so don't think I can even get through the conversation just now. I guess I'll hope and pray that tomorrow will be a good day. I just had Shadow in and the vet said not to count her out yet and that she would have good and bad days. I just don't want to be selfish and keep her around just for me if she is in pain or if it isn't the best for her.

I'm really unhappy in my job. Unhappy enough that I'm thinking about looking for another one or at least putting out feelers. I talked to my boss about it today and he said he thinks it will be getting better soon. I can't talk about the details, but I'm not sure how to do some of the things they want done with keeping my credibility as a leader or my integrity as an employee. It's not illegal, just bad leadership. I had lunch with a friend today and she asked me what I would want to be doing instead and, as I told her, really, what I'm doing now without all the BS that's going on right now.

My cousin, daughter, and husband (who I've know for almost 20 years and am friends with as well) came down again this weekend. Jim was layed off last week so stayed a few extra days. It was really great to have them here and to have Jim stay longer. Both Max and I loved it. Just the silly things like going around the neighborhood this morning following the trash truck. Or, Max taking a shower with Jim this morning instead of me (although Max tried to take one with me as well, but I wasn't buying it :). I'll miss having the extra adult around who is self sufficient, even if he did hog my laptop limiting my on-line time. It was nice.

I'm at the tail end of this cold and still not feeling 100%. I'm stuffy and tired, but no longer achy and exhausted.

Oddly, or maybe not so oddly, the fact that I was once again cancelled from an IUI, doesn't have me down. It's just a confirmation that moving to DE is the right thing for me and I feel at peace with that decision. My u/s today, after 4 days of 100 mg of clomid and 1 amp of (expired) Repronex, my two follicles on the left were at 10. They were 7 and 11 last Friday. The RE gave me the choice of adding injectables. I declined. As I told him, no point. I have some I could use, but may as well save them for someone who might actually respond to them. I may go back in if I feel like I may be close to ovulating to get it checked out for an IUI. Either way, with next bleed, I'm going on BCP's and calling it quits with my own eggs after this round. I'm ready.

Free, Free, Free ...AGAIN

For the second Saturday night in a row, I am child free for a much needed break. My cousin and her family came back into town and took him off to the beach after his nap. I'm just hanging out fighting off a bad cold and not feeling so great this Saturday (as opposed to the wonderful dinner a friends beach house last Saturday), but it is nice. We went to a local SMC gathering this morning and had a fab time like we always do with this group. Then, home for late naps. My cousins husband put Max down for his nap and they carted him off while I was still in bed (had just woken up, but didn't leave the room until after they were gone:). I have to say, it is kind of nice and this is the biggest break I've had ... two weekends in a row ...where I've had any kind of a break. I have to say, I'm enjoying it while I have the chance.

I think I will go take my clomid and shoot up my 1 amp of expired Repronex in my last hurrah cycle. I took inventory of my meds last night and found 4 vials of expired Repronex so decided to add 1 amp in a day. Hey, can't hurt and may help. I didn't take Dex this morning, but think I may tomorrow. Still trying to decide on that one. I'm feeling bad enough with this cold, I'm not sure I want to add taking a steroid on top of that, but it may help me feel better?

My Hail Mary

On to my last hurrah with my own eggs. My u/s showed two follicles on my left at 11 and 7. Nothing on my right, but no big suprises there. I'm going to take 100 mg of Clomid for 5 days to try to help the quality. Of course, this was my idea. Truthfully, I don't think it has a chance of working. For my cycle day, which I'm counting as cd4 (two days of spotting and two days of normal flow), I really shouldn't have follicles this big. I'm still trying to decide whether to add in the dex or not. And, I think I might look through my med stash and see if I have any expired or soon to expire inj. meds that I may add. Hey, it can't hurt and may help. I'm going to throw the long pass, the hail Mary, and what will be will be. At least I will be able to know, up until the bitter end, I tried and tried and tried with my own eggs.

I spent a few hours with the loan officer and my refinance loan is underway. Thirty days from now, right about the time I get my last negative with my own eggs, I'll have lots of cash on hand. Then, I'll be able to give the agency fee, contract with the donor I have selected, and hopefully be on my way to having another child. At least the odds will be better.

I'm tired and not feeling great and am going to have a house full of company again this weekend and have the 3rd year anniversary of our local SMC group that I'm very active with tomorrow. So, a busy weekend.

Ouch!

It was bound to happen. Inevitable really. Actually, it is amazing that it hasn't happened before or earlier really. Knowing all of that didn't take away the sting. For the first time, Max wanted his nanny over me. It's nap time and I told him he couldn't watch "Orchestra", his Baby Einstein Meet the Orchestra DVD. Then, I made him take off his "shoes", his little Robbie? slippers that he found in his closet this morning that he hasn't warn since last winter and refused to take off this morning so wore them to school and wanted to wear them to bed. So, he was pretty angry with me. I just said okay, came into my office, closed the door to cry. Tempered only a tad that Noemi knocked on the door with him a few minutes later because he now wanted me. Silly to let a 2 year old hurt your feelings. I know this. Still it is much easier when it happens to someone else. To HEAR about it happening as opposed to experience it happening.

It doesn't help that I'm tired and already feeling hormonal. I'm counting today as cd2, although it could be either cd1 or cd3. I started spotting on Tuesday, a bit more on Wednesday, and today I have full flow. I'm missing Dr. N after talking for a few hours with another one of his patients on the phone last night. I'm afraid I have scar tissue on that left side that can cause problems with a DE cycle, or a cyst, or wondering what it is exactly that I'm feeling over on that left side and figuring it can't be good (and hoping that it isn't bad), and trying to decide whether I want to try a clomid cycle this month before signing a DE contract.

No one said motherhood would be easy, but sometimes it is harder than others in different ways. I won't lie. I love being number one in my son's life. And, I know that truly I still am, but boy...him wanting her, over me, even knowing all I know intellectually. It still hurt my feelings.

ETA: I called and scheduled an u/s for tomorrow afternoon. Would have actually like to get in today, but they are in cycle and I knew it probably wouldn't have been possible. Unlike in the beginning of this ttc process, I know that one day really isn't going to make a huge difference one way or another, especially if it is what I would consider best case and it is a cyst since it's clear I didn't ovulate last month.

Labor Day Weekend 2007

We had a great (and busy) weekend with my cousin in town with her husband, daughter, and dog. Max just loves them so much. CC, his cousin, is just the best. Ozzy, their dog, rates pretty high as well. Uncle Jim moved up the scale this weekend with him teaching Max how to pee (standing up) on the tree outside, not exactly what I had in mind when I mentioned to Jim it would be good to show Max the ropes in that regard and take him into the bathroom with him a few times if the opportunity arose, but hey, I can go with the flow. Max and Uncle Jim really bonded at the beach when they went without me Saturday afternoon as I was out with an afternoon/evening of freedom. On Sunday, we just had professional pictures taken in the morning and swam and BBQ'd in the evening. Max really has come a long, long way in his swimming ability in just 1 week and was doing a lot of underwater time going between all of us in the pool. He just thought it was the greatest thing when I went under the water with him and we were looking at each other under the water. Today, we went back to the beach and stopped by my sisters on the way home for dinner. I know that I had a wonderful weekend and think Max did as well.


Max and Uncle Jim bonding at the beach with CC.


Not particularly the best picture of either Max or I, but we were having a good laugh before bed on Sunday night. And, it does show my new haircut. However, a much better one of us will be coming from our Sunday photo session.


My naked boy with "the family"


Max getting through a climbing play structure at the beach today.


He was just so darn proud of himself.

False Alarm

No idea why I spotted yesterday and got crampy, but no period, no more spotting, no notthing today. Hmmm. As tempting as it is to try to go in this week for a scan or hormone check just to get information to see what may be going on, really it is pointless since it doesn't really matter. No way I could be cooking a good quality egg in there right now. Still may try to do a clomid cycle before I go on BCP's and start prep'ing for a DE cycle. After doing so many back to back IUI cycles every chance I got after my last cancelled IVF last December, I had almost forgot how much lead time and planning goes into one of these events.

We are having a great weekend, but it has been busy and I'm very short on sleep. Ah, but I'm having fun and sleep can be over rated at times. Right?

cd1

Can you believe that? What an F'd up cycle. Today is something like cd18...to tired to walk across the house to look at the calendar or count from Tuesday which was something like cd11 or 12 when I got to see that sucky looking follicle, but it is something like that. I had a tad of light pink spotting earlier today and thought it was my imagination, but I have more spotting tonight and can am now feeling all crampy and period like so I bet full flow will be here by the morning.

Well, maybe I will go in for a cd3 baseline and try a clomid cycle and maybe throw in a low dose injectable as a last hurrah before signing a DE contract. Hey, it really can't get much worse than it is now other than if I lost my left tube, but even that doesn't seem that bad right now (and it may be blocked by scar tissue anyway) after all a tube is only useful if an egg, a decent one, is produced to be fertalized and traveled down.

Free, Free, Free

I was free of child, dogs, cat, fish and all responsibility of others for 8 or 9 whole hours today. It was great and I enjoyed every minute of it. I love my life and my responsibility, but it was nice to leave it home for a short, short while...and I got to talk about while gone and knew it would be there when I got back. A friend is staying at her families beach house for the week and invited me and some others for a girls night out. It was devine. Very tired since day started at 4 am, which wasn't so great. My cousin is in town and she watched Max for me. Half of them were alseep when I left just after nap time and the entire house was asleep when I got home, but by the looks of the pictures in the camera they had just a great time as I did at a different...much closer beach. I can't tell you how great it felt to drive away and then how great it was to get home. A very rare treat for me and I enjoyed every moment of it. I love that house. I love the view and sound of the ocean without actually being on the ocean. I loved the company. And, the moon on the way home was just spectacular.