Silver linings

I was sitting holding Ms. N the other day thinking about the "why". Not as in why me, but as the bigger universe why. For example, today, looking back on how and why it took me so long to conceive, I truly feel I am a better person. I learned a lot of life lessons. I'm probably more understanding and compassionate. And, I have way more friends of the life long variety and a strong network that really helped get me through the crisis (for example) of delivering the twins prematurely.

Anyway, as I was sitting there holding my beautiful darling the other day and she was so content in my arms and so happy to be there. I was thinking about how as hard as it is and has been, each child of mine has gotten more individual attention and one on one time from me than would otherwise have been. No way could I or would I just sit and hold N for 3 hours at a time if I were home with the boys and an endless list of things to get done.

As hard as it has been on Max, who has handled things remarkably well, he has actually gotten more time and attention from me than if I was working full time. He has gotten some great quality time with two of his aunts and his favorite cousin. He's done a lot of fun things this summer, including learning how to swim.

Ray doesn't always get much of any of my days, but he gets me evenings and nights and early mornings. Several times I have breast fed lying in bed with him next to me and when finished we have both taken a lovely nap together. That would never have been able to happen if Ms. N were home. He also has gotten more "just mom alone" time than if the situation had been different.

I also know that I have been able to help the quality of life of several of the other NICU moms by sharing about hands free pumping bra's.

I haven't come up with the really big why ah ha why of yet, but I have come up with a few silver lining items and now Max is bothering me and hanging all over me and I got to go.