Round 3

My precious, precious N. She has been getting progressively worse again. Septic I think is the word the docs use. She's back on a respirator and antibiotics. I torn between wanting to rush to her side to vigil under the premise she is the sickest of my lot and needs me the most and not going to the hospital today at all to give my time and energy to Max and Ray who will be more aware and appreciate it. For those keeping track at home, this is repeat and rinse times three...round 3, if you will. The multiple calls from the docs didn't alarm me or surprise me as much this time. My heart just knew last night when I saw her where we were headed. I was hoping and praying I was wrong. I so wanted to be wrong. I'm not surprised I wasn't. I've made it clear to both docs (the one on last night and the one on today) that I don't think it is coincidental that she is off antibiotics for about a week before coming down with another infection again. Neither did they. Priority 1 is stabilization. The good news is that she does respond well to the intervention. Then, a autoimmune specialist and work up is in her future. While I still remain hopeful and think this is just something else to overcome before coming home and a happy fulfilling life, I can't help but worry for my darling daughter whose just had such a difficult go of it so far. It's going to be hard not to treat her like a delicate flower as she grows. I just have to believe she is going to pull through this round like she has the other two and that I'll have to worry about favoritism and pampering. Still, I can't help but worry about precious N. Dr. K is great (doc on last night) and was very reasuring that she will ultimately be fine and that I shouldn't worry and if it becomes time to worry, we will worry together, but I'm the mom. It's my job to worry and protect and while I don't really feel like I have failed N on the protecting part, there is only so much I can do to help. Oh, God this is so hard sometimes. Keep giving me the strength to deal with this with grace. And, watch and protect my little girl. I can't believe that she was given to me to be taken away before we have had a chance to live together.