The Anti-2ww

Way back in the beginning of my ttc efforts, I used to get a rush during and right after an IUI. After all, it could happen this time. I would envision the swimmers and egg meeting up like in the Look Who’s Talking movie. I would calculate about when conception would occur, if it was going to happen. I’d keep in mind the little embryo as it made its slow journey down the fallopian tubes towards a nice soft implantation.

How long ago that now seems and how far I have come.

After the IUI this morning while waiting there for the swimmers to settle in and start their race, all I wanted to do is get up and leave and/or cry. The receptionist was in by the time I left and wanted to know why I wasn’t my chipper self, but still I held the tears back as I explained that I was pissed because of my bodies response that was giving me every indication that it was time to give up and I still wasn’t ready yet. I managed to hold the tears back until I was walking away from the clinic down the hall and I heard one of them say “Poor Debbie”. Great, now I have the pity of the staff on top of everything else.

This cycle has so little chance of working that I am considering it a failure early and moving on. If it does happen to work, it will be even more of a miracle that my cycle that resulted in Max. I’ll still start progesterone in a few days for the minuet chance it did work since the chance is above zero, but mentally I’m moving on.

I’m not just being hormonal and pessimistic here. There are reasons and what I would consider good reasons to feel like the cycle in the crapper, so to speak.

Top 3 Reasons for an Anti-2ww
1) My eggs are old and crappy on the best of cycles with low Inhibin B, elevated Insulin, and such not helping matters. The odds of this month producing the good egg is even reduced from an already low probability with having after being on stims for 5 days with zero response and then getting a follicle.
2) The follicle had already ovulated, again, at the time of IUI this morning. This really f’ing pisses me off and blows to hell my working theory that I just missed my surge the last few months. No way would I have surged yet. The follicle was only 15 last Thursday. Assuming a growth of 2 per day which is typical for me, it would have been about 19 Saturday night at trigger and about 23 at ovulation. Four IUI’s ago, I was ovulating at time of insemination. The last 3 IUI’s, I had already ovulated prior to IUI, but I felt like it was probably close and that I may have missed my surge since I let the follicles get so big. No way that happened in this case. Now, I’m just pissed because it is just another sign that my body is screwed up and I should just give up my ttc efforts. It is another problem. It is not normal to ovulate, consistently, prior to 36 hours after trigger. It is a new pattern. I don’t understand it and I don’t like it, but I can tell you that it isn’t good news.
3) The IUI didn’t go well. The RE had a hard time with the insemination. They use a syringe that is inserted directly into the uterus that is held open via a specula like is used for a pap smear. The “plunger” didn’t work. He had to take it out and reinsert it. I have been spotting and cramping ever since. Spotting enough to stain my panties (as opposed to just being on TP when you wipe) and cramping enough to take an Advil (which is a “banned” pain killer while ttc) and that still barely reduced the cramping. I have done lots and lots and lots of IUI’s. I’d count them up, but am depressed enough right now. And, I’ve only had this happen on 1 IUI, my third, the one I talked Dr. N into doing earlier than he recommended after my myomectomy. Thus, I can only surmise that my body was not ready even though I had ovulated, possibly because the follicle was either not an egg producing one or it was not mature enough. Either way, trust me when I say it is again, not a good sign and further reduces the already terrible odds.

Don’t mind me, I’m just feeling sorry for myself and not feeling good with the cramping. Blah. So, I guess I am “technically” in a 2ww, but no way did this cycle work. I’ll take my p4 and get my blood draws, but there is no doubt in my mind that this was just a wasted vial of sperm and effort this month.