It's over rated, right?

Sleep, that is. Not motherhood. I slept from 8 pm - 11 pm last night and from 4:30 am is - 6:11 am. First, N was up at 11 pm. Then, I had to pump. Then, I couldn't fall asleep. Then, R was up. N wanted to eat again. Max woke up and wanted to cuddle. Then, it is a blur. I've stopped waking one to feed after the other because it backfires so often where the one woken is just awake and crabby and won't eat.

We rallied and went to the farm/pumpkin patch this morning with a local SMC group. It ended up just being us and one other family and we had a wonderful time. My mom was here for a few hours when we got home. Then, I was just in for the home stretch where Max couldn't settle and fell asleep late and R just cried on and off for a few hours.

I'm wiped out and really can't see straight. I'm hoping tonight is a bit better for me, but not counting on it. R was really, really, really fussy which is unlike him. He's settled in to sleep at the moment. I'm hoping either the Mylcon or the Tylenol did the trick for him.

Ah, but it is all worth it. Most of the time, I'm sure of it. I'll have years to sleep when they are grown and gone so I'm just trying to enjoy the now.

The other morning....

I don't tandum feed very often, but if every one has slept well (and it does happen rarely) everyone wakes up hungry and full of energy. Here are a few pictures. The twins actually love it. Max is the best show in town.

Today at the farm.....

N was awake most of the time just hanging out. R slept almost the entire time. Max had the time of his life. He rode the ponies. The rode the train (twice), waiting to sit in the first seat so he could be the engineer. He jumped in a bounce house. He rode a huge tricycle that he could barely touch the petals. He rode a cow train. We took a horse drawn wagon ride. He played on a wooden train (three times). He cried and didn't want to leave. He's already angling to go back. Here are just a few of the pictures from the day.

It's fried

My brain that is. I'm so darn forgetful these days. I'll think about calling a friend, then not remember until days later when I'm pumping in the middle of the night, for example. I have all these great blog posts in my head, then I forget when I have the time/energy to post. Who am I kidding, when I have the time, I have no energy. Wait, I have no time. Yeah, that's it. And, btw, my computer "is a parking lot momma. No, don't move it". It was a happy day when I realized that Monday isn't really the 3rd, that would be a week from Monday. Another week off. And, I have a baby sitter scheduled for Saturday to take Max to a birthday party that isn't until next Saturday. Sigh. I have some really cute new pics that I need to remember to off load and post. There is a list of things I really want to get done next week now that I don't have to work and thought I had better make a list so I could keep focused and remember, but I keep forgetting. It's sad really.

Sick, Sick, Sick, Tired

One guess to who might have been sick and who might be tired (and now feeling like they are getting sick). That's the short version of the weekend. The long version would include (but, not be limited to) Max body slamming me from behind when I was in a squat and having a back ache so bad I thought about going to the ER on Saturday night and taking a vicadin instead, not a lot of sleep, and a call to one of my sisters Sunday morning almost, practically, probably begging her to come hang out with us. She came through and did. Sunday was much better than it would have, could have, should have been as a result. I'm so not looking forward to going back to work next week and trying to fit 8 hours of work into this already too busy schedule of mine. I probably should have tried to get into the Chiropractor today, but elected to get groceries and take a nap instead.

The pulmonologist

Yesterdays pulmonologist appointment was very frustrating. I was hoping for a definitive answer and being told R was fine and no longer needed the med lycine or oxygen. What I got was the doc wanting to do a sleep study. And, what a surprise that she is a director of the sleep lab. She didn't know anything about lycine or want to address it at all. I pushed hard and kept pushing insisting that I didn't want to go into the sleep study with him on it if the purpose was to monitor his blood gases and the lycine was supposed to help reduce the amount of CO2. I didn't think I was getting anywhere (other than the doc and I both getting frustrated) or that I was being heard, but did get the doc to authorize a blood gas and metobolic blood test. She kept saying that the lycine shouldn't matter and pulmonoligist wouldn't use it and they didn't in their NICU, and that R had probably outgrown the dosage which would render it ineffective. I said great, then give the order to discontinue it. She didn't want to do that because she didn't know why it was given and how it works. Nor could she answer what would need to be done to make a determination. She kept trying to send my on my merry way with the the appointment for the sleep lab and I wasn't buying it. We compromised on the blood test. I asked if she would research the lycine and get back to me prior to the sleep study on how it works and the potential impact on the study and she would not commit to this. I was pleasantly surprised when I got a call last night with the results of the test and a verbal to d/c the lycine. I guess I drove her crazy enough to take time from her busy schedule to do some research on it. Good. I understand why she wants the sleep study, but told her it was rediculous that it took so long to get in and that I was done with the oxgyn. She appplogized and the sleep schedule is set for next Tuesday morning.

I just want to be done with all the doctor appointments already.

4 Month Stats

Wow, the twins are four months old already. I can't say I'm loving the baby stage like I did with Max, but I don't hate it either. It just seems like there is never time to just sit and cuddle and enjoy a baby. I miss that. I have to remind myself not to be so busy doing that I forget to enjoy the now. There is just so much doing that has to get done.

The twins had their four month pediatrician appointment today. They got a slew of vaccines that are escaping my right now and the paper they are written on is in the other room and I'm attached to the pump right now. However, I have the stats at hand.

N
Weight 11 lbs (5% age, 75% corrected)
Height 21 1/4 (<5% age, 25% corrected)
Head 15 1/2 (7% age, 75% corrected)

R
Weight 11 lbs 9 oz (<5% age, 60% corrected)
Height 22 1/2 (<5% age, 50% corrected)
Head 15 5/8 (5% age, 60% corrected)

Just a couple of average joes. :) I almost had Dr. H in tears as I was telling him about my spoiled milk. I had him laughing when he commented on R no longer having oxygen and apnea monitor, how we couldn't keep it on him, had stopped even trying the last few days since every time we turned around he had it pulled off, and how the pulimnolist (appointment tomorrow) is going to have to convince me that it is still needed. All and all, good heath report. All we need to do is try to keep them that way through the winter.

Pctures, Pictures, and More Pictures

It's been awhile since I've taken/off loaded some pictures. Here are a few, then a few more. As bad as days like yesterday can be, it's all worth it. As the song goes...just to see them smile.

N's "First" Bath Pictures. Taken in a rush before her surgery very early in the morning by my cousin. N didn't get out of the hospital before my cousin left this summer and I hadn't been able to get anyone else to take some. Noemi and my mom are not photographers. Plus, Aunt TT has done the ones for her brothers. Anyone else would have thought I was insane. Giving a baby a bath at 5 am. She totally got it. Hey, if we hadn't done it then we wouldn't have been able because no bathing aftewards for awhile. In fact, she just had another one since then tonight. Sigh. So much to do, only so few hours in the day. Look how much bigger N is from R's first bath. She's positively huge.

N nice and clean for the her surgery.

Max helping to give N a bath pre-surgery.

A random shot of R his first time in the bumba. We haven't used it much yet as the twins are still working on neck/head control, but they are getting better and it makes a nice change every few days.

N - Post Surgery, the end of the shunt

N - Post Surgery, the beginning of the shunt.

Brother and Sister bonding from the other day.

ps. all three kids are in their own beds sleeping at the moment. Another first.

No use crying

No use crying over spoiled milk, right? The deep freezer in the garage got unplugged. An entire freezer full of hard pumped breast milk is thawed and spoiled. I have no frozen milk at this time. I'm not pumping enough in a day to feed both babies let alone get ahead of the game again.

Noemi was telling me this as I was stripping Max naked in front of the washer because he had puked all over everything in the 2 hour car ride (because of traffic and freeway closures due to the fires in the area) home from the peds which we went to after getting a call from Pre School where Max was wheezing and having difficulty breathing so received two breathing treatments at the office and was sent home with an enhailer. Noemi left after I had Max showered and ready for bed. Right after she left, both babies woke up crying to be fed and Max was crying for milk (which I didn't want to give him until I knew he could keep down water) and the cat was meowing because (presumably) he didn't want to go out the doggy door and wanted me to open the front door instead. The day started with all three crying as well and me breast feeding R while Max helped me give N a bottle because he wanted to be the mommy and do it.

The day wasn't all bad. I chose to finish the nursery instead of nap and am glad it is done.

Now, let's all hope and pray the twins don't get what Max has cause if they do, they will be back in the hospital. Max has two simultanous issues. Croup. And, an asmatic type situation allededly caused by the poor air quality due to the fires on top of a cold/respitory bug that has him congested.

Some days are just easier than others. I can't even tell you how much I want to cry over that milk, but three crying children and a meowing cat was enough and someone needed to hold it together. So, let me just swear a minute. Damn it! Fuck! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!. Before I remind myself that it isn't the end of the world even if it isn't replacable.

It's done!

Finally, the nursery is done...or almost done...or as done as it is likely to get for awhile. Yes, the dressers aren't organized, but they are here and they do have clothes in them. And, the walls are bare, but I haven't decided on a theme yet or what I want to do with them. But, the hard work is done. I have two cribs and everything is set. Now, I just need to find the monitor and the baby einstein CD's, cause no way can I hear the babes from my room without a monitor and no way they will sleep in there without music piped in. Getting the nursery done is such a huge relief.

R's dresser and crib.

N's dresser.

N's crib and R's dresser.

N's crib and the changing table.

N's crib. R's dresser and crib.

The closet showing the nice organized closet full of clothes from 6 months to 2T just waiting to get used, N's dresser, and the door to the room to the far right.

N's dresser, the door to the room, and the changing table.

Reclaiming

I've been taking advantage of my cousin here to get caught up...on sleep, on projects around the house, on my to-do list. I've been reclaiming my house and my life. My back to work date is set and will be November 3rd. I'm a bit sad that I will not be going back to the assignment that I had and instead will be given "special assignments", but it is what it is and I understand why the decision was made. My short term disability request was flagged for error because apparently a family therapist can't sign it, but my OB agreed to do it so I need to get that worked out this week. I'm so close the having the babies room done I can taste it, but had to back off on getting anything done today to keep the peace between Max and I. My cousin left this morning and I'm sad to see her go. She was a huge, huge, huge help in so many big and small ways. Max is sick, again. I think the only thing worse than a sick 3 year old is a sick three year old who has zero interest in watching TV and wants all of your attention. Having a sitter come for a few hours on Sunday afternoon/evening saves my sanity most weeks. She is out of town next weekend. I think I need to try to line something else up. N is mending and doing fine. She still gets fussy. As my cousin found out, she will turn on a dime and scream a hissy fit for something as minor as trying to give her a fresh diaper, but that is just the normal her. She will also give you big smiles as soon as you are done. The swelling is going down. She weighed in at 10 lbs 7 oz on Friday. R is still an easy going soul who can charm your socks off. He's been sneezing and couging and I'm hoping things don't get worse for him. He's weighing 11 lbs 8 oz these days. Max is as obnoxious as all get out one minute and testing, testing, testing doing things like coming up to me and his brother and sister and blowing (all of his sick germs) on us or saying he is going to shoo (he means shoot I'm sure) or bonk or hit or kick me and then will turn on a dime and be so sweet and tell me I'm his best friend and will I play with him. Yes, preschool, got to love it. Anyway, I'm rambling. Just wanted to check in to say all is fine. I'm just in the minutia of life. Appointments, appointments, appointments. Doctor, parent/teacher, setting up early intervention services for the twins, having early intervention sessions, seing the home health nurse, getting furniture delivered. Boring ole life stuff. And, my laptop is locking up when it goes into standby mode causing me to need to reboot and it's a pain so I'm not as motivated to spend much time on the computer.

Menengitis and vacines

Even before Nora got meningitis that caused the hydrocephalus that necessitated her get a life long shunt put in to keep fluid from accumulating causing further damage; Even before the neurologist told me that meningitis is like acid that kills off all brain tissue it comes in contact (almost an exact quote) and THAT was what was causing the probable seizure activity and we wouldn't know until later and she started hitting or missing milestones how much brain tissue was damaged and if the brain would compensate and rewire itself enough that Nora would not have visible brain damage or developmental delays; Even before I read a handout on vaccinations while pumping in the NICU pump room one day that listed one of the biggest reasons to get most of the vaccinations is to prevent against whatever the vacine is for and complications of menegitis. Even before all of that, I was a proponent of vacinations and have keeped my children current. Not only to keep them healthy, but also because as a culture I believe the more people who do not vacinate the bigger the risk is to everyone. I understand people have a variety of personal reasons why they either choose to vacinate or not. I understand the pros and cons both for and against vacinations and this post isn't to judge anyone for the decisions they have made. I even plan to delay the one vacine that is suppose to trigger autism until past the adjusted age of the twins instead of the actual age of the twins because I would like to ensure their immune systems are up to snuff and are able to handle it. The thing is, after having a child with menegitis, that isn't just a word on a piece of paper. I understand all too well the short and long term reprecussions. Nora has had to pay the price in the short term and while I don't worry about it too much I do hope and pray that she doesn't have to pay a steep price the rest of her life. I know and understand the why's and how comes that got us to this point and really believe in my heart of hearts that it just was...it's the journey we have to take on this. I also know that if she had gotten this as a result of an infection because I had not vacinated, I'm not sure if I could live with myself. The guilt, I think it would do me in. The funny thing with menegitis is that while having had it once she is not more or less likely to get it again. Nor is she immune from getting it again. Knowing what I know today. Living with what I have lived with. Seeing my poor little defensiless baby have to deal with one thing after another. I would do whatever I needed. I will do whatever I have to do to prevent any of my children from ever getting this again.

Probably because of the medications still in her system, Nora did fine all Sunday. She started developing swelling around the shunt Sunday night and her head is very misshapen at the moment. I need to take pictures. She has clearly been uncomfortable with a lot of crying and fussiness. The shunt was put on the right side of her head that was her prefered position. The side she favored. Anytime any pressure was put on the area, no matter how light, she would start screaming and wouldn't stop for quite awhile. Poor girl. She hasn't been sleeping well. When she does sleep, she would inadvertently move her head and wake up wailing. Tylenol has helped some. The swing has allowed her to get a bit of sleep here and there. I think finally we are turning the corner and today was a bit of a better day where she didn't scream to be held and then scream while holding her just because she hurt and couldn't get comfortable and just didn't know what she wanted. The last few days would have been a lot worse if Noemi wasn't taking the day shift, my cousin the evening shift, and me the night shift with mostly enough naps between my cousin and I to keep perspective and patient. At least for me, the shift work kept me from getting to emotional and crying with her cause I knew that in x hours, someone else would come on and give relief. It is so hard to see one so little go through something like this. My poor little girl has been through so much and this is just the latest and hopefully the last.

Doctors and More Doctors

I was sufficiently worried about the swelling around N's shunt this morning along with the tenderness in that area, her fussiness, and being off her eating game to ask to have her post-op appointment today. According to the surgen, there was swelling, but it was inconsequential and would need to get much bigger than that to be a concern. I, of course, pressed and asked double the size and he said...no, 3, 4, 5 times the size. So, there you have it. I went prepared (cause with N's luck I figure I must be) to be told she needed emergency surgery, but got the best case news that all was fine. I'm not any more impressed by his office staff than I have been in the past. I waited 1.5 hours to be seen today.

Max had his 3 year old well boy appointment today. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it with the whole N thing. Rather than cancel with my cousin here, she picked Max up from school and took him. I was able to get done in time to meet her in the peds parking lot and we traded kids and she went home with N. I'm so happy I was able to be there for it. And, I'm sure I've said it before. I just love our ped. Max did great. No shots today. He's current on his immunizations. He did get the flu vacination, but via nose.

His height and weight are that of a 4 1/2 year old with his head on par for his age at 3. He weighed in at 38 1/2 lbs (97%) and was 40 7/8 inches tall (94%). His head was 20 inches (74%). We both got our questions in and had nice conversation. Max told him he was going to be a doctor for Halloween and made his day. Dr. H was great when he checked out his groin area telling him that it was his private area and he was only allowed to do it because his mommy was here, NOT just because he was a doctor, but because he was a doctor and mommy was here...which is consistent with the conversations and reinforcement of concersations Max and I have been having about private parts and privacy. The ped and I are just so in sync on things and our styles that it is nice.

Cousin is out walking the babes. Max is in bed (but not yet asleep at last check). Noemi is gone for the day. I'm headed to bed. I've been up since 2 am with a brief nap between 4 and 4:30. I could have been worse, much much worse. Cousin has been doing shift 1 and I'm dong shift 2. So, at least I got to sleep from 9 pm to 2 am. With N feeling so off, it may be another long night so I'm going to catch sleep while the opportunity presents itself.

As stressful as today was with moving up N's appointment, at least if frees up tomorrow and I have a whole day appointment free. What a luxery.

Home Again

The family is all home again under one roof. Another hospital stay behind us, a few more people and another mom informed about hands free pump bras. N's sleeping in her bouncy and looking and acting normal. I have a needy and tired 3 year old who needs my attention. Plus a houseful with my mom and cousin here as well. It's amazing no matter how much or little sleep I get or don't how tired I feel all the time. Counting down until Max's bedtime so I can go crash myself for a bit.

Surgery Update

The surgery went fine yesterday. It was a long day. She didn't get taken back until late. Bumped for an emergency case. She was still a bit sleepy and fussy when awake and only snacking and eating an ounce here and there when I left last night, but doing fine. My cousin stayed the night with her and I'm going to call in a bit to see how that went. I should know by 11 am if she's staying another night or coming home. I love R even more this morning. He slept from 10:30 p until 4:30 a last night. I did wake a few times to listen to the sound of silence before drifting back off, but that is the longest stretch I've gotten in awhile and I needed it. My plan was to bf him in bed and doze thus not having to function in the dreaded 4 am hour, but alas Max woke up 8 minutes later. So, I'm feeling a bit greedy for still wanting more, but am up and moving around here.

Now I'm crying

I just got a call from my cousin. She's flying in tonight to help and will be here until the 12th. Totally unexpected. I haven't even talked to her since the appointment and I found out surgery was needed. Granted, I did leave her a phone message where I was crying on it telling her about it. Uh, maybe that did it. God, I love her. It would have never occurred for me to ask her to come, but now that I know she is it just makes everything easier and better. The call was quick. She has a lot to arrange, but did laughingly say..."the ticket was $315 and your paying, I coming it at 7 and getting a shuttle". I said,"now I'm crying and of course I'm paying". Bye. Bye. See you tonight.

Fuck

After the fiasco around the appointment today, you'd think the day would improve and I'd get better news. The fluid in N's brain has increased such that she needs surgery to put in a shunt. It's scheduled for very early on Friday morning and she will be in the hospital at least overnight. Couldn't seems to get me the first appointment, but no problem getting the surgery scheduled so fast, eh? I'm left scrambling for coverage for the kids. I think I can and plan to at this point take Max and R on Saturday. While I'd love to be able to stay with N overnight, I just don't think I'm going to be able to work that at. Friday will be a long, long day. We have to be at the hospital at 6 am. Don't even get me started with the fact that they said not to feed N after midnight. No way is that not going to happen. She's too little and that is too long. The shit just never seems to end. I'm tired. My poor little one under anesthesia. Fuck!

Vent

Major vent ahead. I'm so angry I could explode.

I spend quite a bit of time in doctor's offices these days and traveling to and from appointments for that matter stuck in Los Angeles traffic. I had an appointment at 8 am this morning for N. To get there by that time I had to have Noemi come in at 6 so I could get us ready and out the door in time to get there in rush hour traffic and needed her to take Max to preschool with R since there wasn't enough time and the school wasn't even open by the time I had to leave. We were supposed to have this appointment 2 weeks after N was released, which was 9/5. I called several times a week for three weeks each time being told that they needed to look into things, figure out what to do, talk to the doctor, etc. and someone would get back to me. No one ever called me back, I'd call them and get the same song on a different day. Finally, I called the social worker at the hospital and told her I was having difficulty, she talked to someone at the office and finally I got this appointment. Not ideal, but I apparently the doc is taking most of October off and these are his last few days in the office. Fine, I take it, make the arraignements I need to make and headed out. Got to where we needed to go, had the cranial u/s and reported to docs office as instructed. After waiting for at least an hour (when I was told to expect a 40 minute wait when I asked when the appointment was set up since I had another appointment in the opposite direction at 1:30 pm) when I was told the doc had just gone into a FOUR HOUR surgery and now would not be available at least until after 2 pm. I kid you not. This has to be the worst run office in the history of poorly run offices. So, I'm home pumping and pissed and have to turn around and go back in a bit and hope the wait isn't too long and had to cancel my other appoinment at the last minute and either need to break my word to Max about picking him up from school or get him early and take him with me when I go back and I am so pissed off I can't even tell you. I don't see how they think it is okay to be so inconsiderate with other peoples time let alone the incidentals like paying for and dealing with the poor parking situation and the gas and the commute. I truly am amazed and would go off on them but people who care so little in the first place wouldn't resonate anyway and things are already bad enough. If I had a choice, I'd go elsewhere, but really I don't. So, I'll be pissed and go back and hope that at some point I actually get to see the doctor. Did I mention I was so angry I could expode?

Oh, and both babies are over 10 lbs now. I really need to clear my memory card and take some new pictures.

Chugging Along

Just chugging along. Spending a bit of time enjoying my babies and my preschooler, which isn't as hard as last week. :) And, all the things that go along with that like feeding, cleaning up spilt milk, fix it moma, washing bottles, keeping the house clean enough that you can walk without tripping and killing yourself. And, getting things done off the to-do list like trying to organize and set up the nursery in all my free time. You know the twins are over three months now, it might be time to get it done, eh? So, I have a crib in a box to be set up now. Dressers being delivered next week. A bunch of bins and clothes of various sizes being sorted and organized. Yes, still looking like a disaster at this point, but I have hopes of it coming together by the end of next week. Max's room is now free of all clothes (or at least most) that no longer fit him. The linen closet is sorted so I can actually find the sheets that fit my bed and the towels don't fall out at you when you open the door. And, up in the middle of the night feeding babies and pumping. Fun stuff. All part of the mommy gig. Mostly loving it.

Released

I officially released, verbally and in writing, all remaining vials of my sperm donor to another couple with a child (a boy I think) born within a few months of Max. This has been in the works for awhile except that I was planning on keeping a few, just in case. I didn't. I'm done ttc. Done, I tell you. I'm sure of it. Then, I get into cyclical thinking about the two pity freeze frozen embryos that are crap and how since they are crap, I should just transfer them back so they aren't sitting around. Then, I worry that maybe they are the same type of crap that resulted in R and N and if it worked, I would be in trouble because I can't go through another pregnancy and know that my family is complete, but not sure I can just discard those crap embryos. Anyway, no longer have any vials of my sperm. It is going to a good cause and I feel good about releasing it. All of it.

It's amazing how many appointments I have these days. Yesterday, I had the kick off meeting with the regional center coordinator for R and N to get them started with services. Today, I have the therapy for me and dentist for Max. Tuesday it was eye appointments for the twins. Friday it will be home health nurse for R. Monday, it was the neologist for N. I managed to get an hair appointment for me at the last minute which was a nice treat so my hair is shorter and nice and straight and looking like it only does after being professionally styled. I'm sure it must look much better than it has since I've gotten several compliments. My only problem with it is that it is so smooth and shiny that I was able to observe that which I wish I had not...grey hair. At least 5 of them. I thought about plucking them all out but only did one in case the adage of pluck one and 5 grow back really is true. Egads, I knew my eyes are going, but grey hair too? I'm blaming it on the twins and their NICU stay. They will never hear the end of this.

Speaking of appointments, while I now have R's pulmonologist one set for mid October, I have not yet been able to get one for the neorosurgion for N. She was supposed to be seen 2 weeks after discharge which was 9/5. I call, they say they don't have any notes on her, need to talk to the doc, do research, whatever, and they will call back. They don't. I call back. Same dance, different day. I called the social worker at the hospital yesterday and she talked to someone who is supposed to personally follow up and get with me. Still haven't heard from her. Yes, I'll be calling yet again if I don't hear by this afternoon. Such a PITA.

I attempted to take pictures yesterday quickly, but .... alas...the memory card is full and I haven't had time to empty it. And, I'm thinking about moving to monthly photos at this point and want to get a professional appointment set up.

I had another point or two, but Max would like a turn on the computer and he has been quite good this morning, even if he did wake up at 4:15 to poo.

Waiting, not so patiently (Edited)

Mr. R was released on August 1st from the NICU on 1/8 of a liter of Oxygen and an Apnea monitor in addition to some medicine called Lycine to be given every other feed. * I was given instructions to follow up with a pulinology appointment. It took me months to even get an appointment. They would not return my calls. I had the peds office call to confirm they had everything they needed...yes, they would get with me to set an appointment the peds office was told. I had the hospital social worker call...no avail...still not appointment. Finally, I got a call to get an appointment set the day Ms. N was getting released (a Friday, 9/5...see 5 weeks later). Then, N got readmitted on Monday and between phone tag that week she was back in the hospital, I FINALLY got an appointment set for October 16th. Quite rediculous, but what are you going to do. As I told the ped at our appointment last week, I'm done and been done with the apnea monitor. Done. It almost never goes off and when it does it is for loose leads or some such. And, R is off oxygen for good periods of the day for various reasons like it is a pain to move the machine if you want to sit with him in the rocker to feed him, or I'm taking him out, or we are going for a walk or whatever. Then, he is quite skilled at pulling the nose prongs out and you can think he is on it and he's not. Plus, you have to check the settings frequently because Max has been known to go turn the nob when you aren't looking (or it just mysteriously resets itself when he is around) turning it all the way down or worse all the way up (giving R way too much oxygen). I'm just sure R doesn't need this anymore and that he is only on it because we haven't been given doc's orders to discountinue because we don't have a fricken appointment. I've been so tempted...more and more tempted every day to just stop. Just stop the meds and stop the oxygen. I may still yet. I only haven't because I'm either too chicken or too wise, but mostly because I don't understand the implications totally and what if I'm wrong. Oct. 16th is still

* The med doesn't exactly always occur every other feed these days either because I may decide to BF during a med meal or may forget or be too tired/lazy during the middle of the night and I figure it can't be all that precise because at this age a meal can be anywhere from 2 - 5 hours so there is a big range.

ETA: This post ended abruptly when at 1:30 am, both R and Max started screaming for their momma and Ms. N just cried on and off and made noise. Sometime after 3 am things settled down around here. I'm supposed to be out the door with all three kids ready to make an eye doc appointment for the twins and none of us are fed or ready and I'm just now pumping. Sigh. Ah, deep breaths, what will be will be. Noemi will have to get Max ready and to school after I leave with the twins which will be a battle in and of itself. Anyway, the post stands as is half done with no editing as there will be no time to read, fix, and finish it for some time.

My life force is being sucked dry

Three sleeping babies at the moment and a quiet house. Oh, so glorious. There are so many things I could and should be doing, but I decided to invest a bit more time in bumping (and blogging). You'd think it would be the twins sucking the energy out of me and wearing me down. Oh, no, that would be my three year old. My word he has been high maintenance of late. I'm almost done reading Your 3 Year Old: Friend or Enemy, but it was hidden by said 3 year old so well that I can't find it at the moment and forgot to ask where before he fell asleep. And, according to the book, he is age appropriate. Good thing I love that kid so as he has been trying my patience to the limit with only brief reprieves. I packed up the kids and we went to a single moms party on Sunday and wasn't kidding when folks said they were impressed I made it when I replied it was far easier to have Max out of the house if for nothing else he was strapped in his car seat for the ride there and back. The time he is in preschool seems far to short to me and apparently, far too long to him. Out of all the phases so far, I have to say I'm not loving this one the most and have to keep reminding myself that this too shall pass. Oh, please God, right? this too shall pass?

A running conversation from on and off today, pretty much all day.

Max: I don't want to go to preschool.
Me: Why?
Max: I'm sad.
Me: Why are you sad?
Max: I'm sad because you broke my puppet.
Me: I didn't break your puppet.
Max: Yes, you did.
Me: No, but show it to me, maybe I can fix it.
Max: No, I want it broken.

Max: I don't want to go to preschool.
Me: Why?
Max: Mrs. J (one of his teachers)
Me: What about Mrs. J?
Max: I don't like her.
Me: Why don't you like her?
Max: She's a dinosaur.
Me: A dinosaur?
Max: Yes, and she scares me.

Me: Max, after school today, I'd like to do something special with you. Would you like to put up the Halloween decorations?
Max: Halloween?
Me: Yes, where we put out the scarecrows and witches and pumpkins.
Max: The CANDY one? Where the candy goes in the pumpkin.
Me: Yes, but the candy won't come for a long time yet.
Max: Let's go to the store and pick out candy for the pumpkin.
Me: We can get things out today, but we aren't going to go the the store to get candy today.

Me: Max, please don't do that. I don't like it.
Max: (doing it anyway) I'm not Max.
Me: Who are you then.
Max: I'm a dinosaur.
Me: Mr. Dinosaur, please don't do that. I don't like it.

Max: I'm sad.
Me: Why are you sad?
Max: Because you broke my puppet.
Me: Max, I didn't break your puppet.
Max: Yes, you did.
Me: What puppet is broken?
Max: (some jibberish I didn't understand)
Me: Show it to me, maybe I can fix it.
Max: No, I want it broken.

Max: We need to go to the store.
Me: Why?
Max: We need to go to the donuts store to get donuts. (keep in mind that I have never, not once taken him to the store to get donuts, although he does have them on occasion when they are served after church)
Me: We are making dinner right now. We are not going to the store to get donuts.
Max: I don't want dinner. I want donuts.
Me: Donuts are a very special food that you don't get very often. Maybe they will have them again after church again soon and you can have one then.

Max: I don't want to go to preschool. I don't want to go to bed. I don't want my PJ's on. I don't like this snack. I don't want this. I don't want to go to preschool.

Etc. and so on. Poor Noemi. Max has just been completely mean and ignoring her. She'll ask him things and he just pretends he doesn't hear her and doesn't respond in any way. When I tell him that's not nice and when someone talks to you you are suppose to talk back and answer them, he just ignores me.

Don't get me wrong. We did have some fun together today where I sucked up every ounce of energy and patience and let him help me with dinner. We went out and played ball together. I can think of at least a handful of times where I carved out special time for him today, just for him. So, I don't think it's that. Just a phase I tell you. Just a phase complicated by having a new brother and sister and starting preschool. Please God, help me get through this phase.

One of the sweetest things he did today was "sleep" with his brother this morning. He woke up at hellish 4 something am. I had been BF R in bed since 3:30 am and left R there when I got up to feed N. Max went in to my room to go to the bathroom and I could tell exactly when he realized R was there. He climbed up very carefully and didn't touch him, but go close and layed next to him and talked to him. It was so sweet. I'm sure there were other sweet nice times as well, but sadly, they are being overshadowed by the throwing of my pump stuff around, his cars at me, and other such trying nonsense, completely unprovoked, just because. He's three. He's tired, going through a lot of change, and is testing the limits and bounders and testing the limits and boundaries and challenging my patience to the limit.

And, after dropping Max off at school, I came home and took a nice nap, ate lunch, got ready to pump, decided to BF R, got up to pump and decided to attempt to BF Ms. N who fell back asleep in my arms, and all too soon, it was time to go get Max and the peace of the house was gone until bedtime. Said pumping didn't happen until 3 hours later. I don't know how the days are flying by so quickly and I'm getting so little done. There just aren't enough hours and minutes in the day right now for everything. Or, enough energy in me to solder on, to slug through, to push through the fatigue and rally to accomplish that which must be accomplished. Sadly, there will be no nap tomorrow since I need to take the twins for eye appointments. This means tomorrow afternoon and night will be so much harder to get through. I'm hoping for a good night for us all with quick up and downs to eat with the twins and a late wake up for Max. Hey, one can always dream. :)

The best news of the day was hearing the my short term disability extension was approved through October 19th with an October 20th return to work date so I'll be getting paid for all this time off, which is a relief. And, I'll still have my 4 weeks of vacation left to use. I'll probably take on a week or two of that at the end to return to work around the end of October like I planned and use the rest of the time around Thanksgiving and Christmas which will be nice. Again, what a relief.

Week 14

It's been 14 weeks now. I'm loving having both home, but tired. Not only from the sleepless nights, but also from trying to get caught up around the house with bills and appointments and such. This evening was similiar to most these days, the twins eating up every ounce of time alternating between demanding momma except when they both are screaming at the same time. Good thing I have a lot of patience and Max is going down early and not in the mix. They sleep nicely all day just waiting to eat and then going back down, until...momma comes on duty. I have so much to say and so many blog entries written in my head, but alas no time in which to write them. It's all good. Like I said, I'm loving it.

Growing well

The days are flying past. Yesterday morning, I reclaimed most of my bedroom and dejunked in the first room of a whole house organizing effort that must be done before I head back to work. Yes, I probably should have started in the office and looked at the paper work and bills. This morning, I napped. It was one of those nights where I was tag teamed times three.

The doctors appointment went well. I picked up Max and we all went since I wasn't sure I could get back in time if they ran behind. He was able to ask Dr. H if he could stop using his car seat, because (you know) he's three and bigger now and doesn't need to use it any more. I have told him that he has to be 6 years old or 60 lbs. He told me he was going to ask Dr. H, which he did, who told him the exact same thing. LOL, oh, that boy of mine, he does make me laugh. Of course, the FIRST question he asked was if he could have a sticker.

N weighed in at 8 lbs 10 oz, almost a pound gain in a week averaging about 2 oz a day. R weighed in at 9 lbs 3 oz, averaging about 1.5 oz a day in the last month. Dr. H was impressed and said they seem to be doing well and keep it up. They see him again in a month.

All's good

All is good on the home front. The house is trashed. I'm tired, but not exhausted. All three are currently sleeping. I'm pumping. We are in the home stretch until the end of the weekend and it really felt manageable. So much that I didn't sign up for a sitter at all next Saturday, but have her coming for 5 hours Sunday afternoon. I may live to regret that, but felt that I paid a sitter to just watch the babies sleep. It would be one thing if she dug in and my house got cleaned or at least picked up, but ...alas, she is not Noemi. I've come to see what a gem my Noemi is. I need to look around and find better help for the weekend, but will just limp along with what I have for a bit. If things get crazy hard, it will increase my motivation. We made it to church and a restaurant today (with my Aunt and Uncle who are in town for a wedding) and it is busy, sure, but do-able. Anyway, not much to say, but wanted to check in. Both babes have doc appointments tomorrow afternoon so I should have at least height and weight updates then.

Recent Conversations - Edited

Max: I want too much mommy. I like too much.

*******************************

Doc on final exam of N yesterday: Don't be surprised if you end up with a few hospitalizations the first year. That's common with preemies. Winter is coming. Just keep the twins away from pretty much everyone.

Me: I'll do my best. I do have a 3 year old in preschool.

Doc: *

* She had nothing to say about that. Just gave me a look. And, that was that.

Edited: Wait, I forgot. After the look, she was quiet for a few minutes doing and listening for whatever they listen and look for on these exams, and then she says...well, make sure he washes his hands.... a lot.

And, all I could think about was how she must never have had a 3 year old or she has and has forgotten or she has and remembers all too well and just didn't know what else to say. I just couldn't get into the fact that Max had been sneezing and now has a runny nose.

Me thinks it may be a long winter health wise. For me, I'm going to try not to worry too much and just do the best I can to keep everyone safe and healthy in a less than ideal situation. And, the twins are on the list to get a very expensive flu type vaccine monthly (that begins with an S, but name is escaping me at the moment). Maybe that will help. Or, maybe we have more hospitalizations in our future.

Week 13, late

Taken last night.

So happy to have them both home again with us all sharing space.
So happy to not have to go to the hospital today.

Home

N is home again. Doing fine. Got home later than I would have liked. Held hostage by a well intentioned nurse who wanted me to have a hospital lunch that never came. Both babes have buggery noses. Holding the princess now and doing this one handed. Mr. R is starting to wake. Got to go.

Week 13

Unlucky 13? I forgot my camera. Ugh! I was so disappointed in myself, but there was so much to try to remember it was just the one thing too many today and I was hoping that Ms. N would be home so I could take pics then. As it was, Max was asleep and R was eating when I got home. Noemi got R in PJ's and in bed as I set up to pump and look through another book size envelope of EOB's. So, no pics today, tomorrow is another day and hopefully another coming home day for Ms. N, who was awake when I left her, which is so hard to do.

They decided to start her on anti seizure medication even though her EEG looked fine again. The working theory is that she had an unobserved seizure which can cause lethargy. I gave her a loader dose this afternoon and if she doesn't have an adverse reaction to it tonight, I think she gets to come home tomorrow.

Readmitted

Nora was readmitted to the hospital today for observation. She was very lethargic with no awake time sleeping through feeds until I woke her (which should have been a good thing, right?). Lethargic enough that I was concerned. Worried enough that I didn't even think to remember my camera to take for her first peds visit. After talking with the ped and based on her history, he sent me and I was fully supportive of me going to the ER for testing. The ER doc ran some test and called the NICU and one of those docs came to see her and agreed that she was probably not septic, but had another seizure and needed to be admitted. The NICU doc talked with the pediatric doc and she was admitted to the pediatric floor in her own big room in her own big crib for observation. I don't know what I expected...I guess to be told that all was fine, I was an over anxious momma and all was fine and go home and try to not to fret...or, that she would get admitted it would be back to the NICU...but, I can't even tell you how upset I was. If she was acting like she was when I left her, I would never have been concerned. She was awake and alert and wanting to be held and I had to go and it about killed me to leave. I left my house at 9 am for a peds appointment and got home at 8 pm, not having attended Max's school open house meeting with his teachers and other parents in his class, not having been able to get ahold of Noemi to let her know what was going on, with a cell phone with a dead battery, with a migraine that had me so sick I was vomiting after I walked in the door.

I want her alive. I want her well. I want her home with me.

Two's are easier than three's

It occurred to me that Max's behavior didn't have anything to do with me napping or not or my better attitude, it had to do with the fact that it was all about him. There was no reason for him to act out and push the limits because he was getting all of my attention after my nap. Sigh. I've heard from many who have BTDT before that terrible two's be darn, three is a harder year. We are only a few weeks into it his 3rd year and granted there are a lot of changes underway at home with the babes home, starting preschool, and probably not feeling well, but...so far I agree...three is going to be a harder more challenging year on many fronts with Max. I need to dig deep into reserves to be the type of mom I want to be with him and help guide him on acceptable behavior without ineffetive yelling. Some of it just comes with the territory, but I just need to do better.

Managable, but just barely

The weekend is going fine. It's manageable, but just barely. The first night went better than expected and we all got a fair amount of sleep. On Saturday, I only had the sitter for a few hours in the morning when I needed to be out, but my mom came for the afternoon and was actually helpful (which isn't often the case). She was a good baby holder and even fed a few bottles, changed a few diapers, and helped a lot with Max. A friend came over to play with Max for about an hour and I was able to get some things done and relative calm was to be had.

Last night wasn't horrible, but less sleep was to be had. Instead of being perfect little babies when they ate at 3:30 am and 4 am (N and R respectively) neither were too interested in sleep. I'd just get one down and then the other would wake and cry for help. Good thing I pumped just before their feeding schedule. I finally got us all asleep at 5:12 am with R tucked under my left arm cuddled into me and N chest to chest on top of me...and...then Max woke at 5:22 am. Yes, the thought, you've got to be kidding me did cross my mind. :) I was able to shift N next to R and let them snuggle each other and they both slept for a bit more. We did make it to church only a bit late and that was fine as well in between feeds for the babes. The afternoon was much harder and I'm so glad I had the sitter coming at 2 pm. Not only did it give me something to look forward to, I needed the break. I got a few hours of sleep. Swam, had dinner, and got Max to bed. And, am now pumping before she leaves. Even with the extra help, all three were needing attention with N doing a big leaky poo, R deciding schedule be damn he wanted to eat NOW, this very second NOW, not a minute from NOW, RIGHT NOW.

Amazing how much more well behaved Max was after I had sleep. It's odd. It's not that I view his behavior differently. It's just when I'm tired and have the least patience he pushes it to the limit. For example, I'm giving R a bath because he had a big bear down fart when eating and vomited all over him and I. Max is hanging over my shoulder and got a cup and was trying to throw cold water from the sink on R...when I asked him not to. Or, deciding he wanted some milk, getting it from the fridge, and then spilling it all over the floor...when I asked him to wait. Or, picking up R and "holding him" when my back was turned to deal with N...when I've told him so many times he can't touch the babies without Momma or Mimi saying it is okay. There was a lot of yelling by me and a lot of ignoring and acting out by Max and it wasn't pretty, but we got through. Thank goodness he mostly left me alone when I was napping (he tried to get in at one point and shoved straw from my wall hanging under the door) so I'm recharged for the night.

Oh, and Max is offically coming down with a cold (probably has something to do with why he was such a challenge today) and I can tell I'm fighting it off. I'll be hoping and praying we keep the babies healthy. I'd hate to have one or both back in the hospital after finally getting us all home. Maybe I'll have to keep Max home tomorrow. I'll see how he's feeling in the morning.

Anyway, all is basically well and normal in a house with three small children.

12w2d; 5w1h Home Sweet Home

12 weeks and 2 days after she was born

5 weeks 1 hour after her brother

Nora is home!!

The good, the better, the best

The good news is that I had a lactation consultation today and we actually got Ms. N on the breast for a bit using a nipple shield. I wouldn't have been able to do it without the specialized help. I told her right off what the problem was...she wouldn't latch and would just shake her head about too and fro and scream her head off. The lactation consultant immediately knew how to "fix" it based on my description....nipple shield. It took both of our hands, but we got Ms. N going. We have another consult scheduled for tomorrow before we leave.

The better news is that Ms. N passed her hearing test today. If she was going to have hearing loss as a result of the meningitis, it would have been immediate.

The best news is that unless Ms. N has a complete health breakdown between now and tomorrow or fails the car seat safety test, she is coming home tomorrow. Hip Hip Horray! It's going to be a long day. As I know from discharge of Mr. R, it will take all day, especially with needing to do the car seat test and having the lactation consult.

It is going to be a long busy day tomorrow and a wonderful busy weekend with my entire crew home this weekend so I'm off to see if I can get an hour or so of sleep before Mr. R wants some grub since I didn't sleep much last night.

Maybe, just maybe

The doc said this afternoon that maybe Ms. N can come home on Friday or Saturday. I'll find out tomorrow for sure whether she needs a shunt and if not, she'll be headed home. I'm up afraid to hope and that it's not going to happen for some reason or that I'll get her home and she'll get sick all over and go septic and get critical again and have to go back or worse, die.

I hate that I have no good reason to be awake and I'm up worrying about this stuff, or at least thinking about it. Although, the last few nights I've gone to bed early and gotten, all told when added up, an acceptable amount of sleep for me.

Max started preschool on Tuesday. The glamor wore off after the first day sadly. His biggest complaint is about having to do circle time and being tired and the dinosaurs eating him all up. Yesterday, he napped for the first time since May and getting him to bed wasn't too awful. It's a big change for him. I'm sure he will adjust, but in the mean time, I'm feeling guilty. My mild manner guy is crying over not wanting to leave his blanket at school and that his train track is broken and mommy needs to fix it one minute and act out behavior like deliberately dropping paint all over the floor and tearing off the picture/paper on his train table. He's been wanting to sleep with mommy in mommy's bed (much more than usual), which for the record doesn't and hasn't happened because I'm up too much and neither of us would get any sleep. Oh, growing up can be so hard sometimes and I worry that I'm pushing him too hard right now and maybe I shouldn't have him go full days for awhile.

Mr. R has been having more awake time and was awake most of the evening. Then, slept a good deal and I had to wake him to eat, now he's been back to sleep for an hour and I'm still up. He's doing fine and is a good ole chap. Pretty easy to have around. The biggest problem is of course, him wanting to be awake and have attention right as I'm trying to get Max to bed.

And, I'm up worrying about Ms. N and so wanting to bring her into the family fold and about finally getting a picture of us all and being able to really be a family and the logistics of bringing her home if it is Friday vs. Saturday and deciding I kind of don't want to do it alone because I want pictures of the monumental event and worried that it really won't happen and we will have another setback and I'm not sure I could take and round and round the brain goes not stopping for sleep no matter how much the brain says I should when the heart is excited and trying not to be. Just maybe, my baby girl will be coming home soon.

Week 12

Max - First day of PreSchoolMy sleeping princess N

Mr. R already sticking his tongue out at me.

Just right

I can't sleep. It's insane really. I just keep thinking about how life just seems to be falling into place and how I'm really where I need to be right now.

I ended up taking Mr. R to that BBQ/Swim get together last night and it went fine, except he woke up and wanted attention right when it was time to eat, but that is just par for the course with babies. It was such a lovely time. Max and Kevin just play so nicely together. It was comfortable and fun. They are just my kind of people and I think I'm there's as well. The mom kept saying how Max seems like such an easy going kid with a great personality. She can see them growing up together as well. I can tell. Even though Kevin is a year older, she said she has already decided to keep him back a year so that he graduates when he is 18 and was asking what I had decided for Max. I actually haven't decided as I told her. I'm just going to see how pre-school goes and get feedback from the teachers about whether they think he is ready or not when the time comes. But, she can see them in the same class growing up together as can I.

Not only do they live really close (which is wonderful and rare for me/us as our friends tend to be spread all over the LA basin), the dad went to and the older brother is going to THE high school. The one I picked out for Max and have already been in contact with the dean of admissions for last year (yes, keep in mind that Max has not yet even started preschool). Yep, Kevin's going to that high school as well. Really, don't think it can bet better than that and be more right.

Now, I'm telling myself I must come off my high and go to sleep. It's all just so right and I'm so happy right now.

Not happy with every situation or right in that everything is perfect. That's not life. Happy in that I'm happy with who I am and where I am right now kind of right. The details are going to work themselves out. The direction is the right one and the core is solid.