Maybe, just maybe

The doc said this afternoon that maybe Ms. N can come home on Friday or Saturday. I'll find out tomorrow for sure whether she needs a shunt and if not, she'll be headed home. I'm up afraid to hope and that it's not going to happen for some reason or that I'll get her home and she'll get sick all over and go septic and get critical again and have to go back or worse, die.

I hate that I have no good reason to be awake and I'm up worrying about this stuff, or at least thinking about it. Although, the last few nights I've gone to bed early and gotten, all told when added up, an acceptable amount of sleep for me.

Max started preschool on Tuesday. The glamor wore off after the first day sadly. His biggest complaint is about having to do circle time and being tired and the dinosaurs eating him all up. Yesterday, he napped for the first time since May and getting him to bed wasn't too awful. It's a big change for him. I'm sure he will adjust, but in the mean time, I'm feeling guilty. My mild manner guy is crying over not wanting to leave his blanket at school and that his train track is broken and mommy needs to fix it one minute and act out behavior like deliberately dropping paint all over the floor and tearing off the picture/paper on his train table. He's been wanting to sleep with mommy in mommy's bed (much more than usual), which for the record doesn't and hasn't happened because I'm up too much and neither of us would get any sleep. Oh, growing up can be so hard sometimes and I worry that I'm pushing him too hard right now and maybe I shouldn't have him go full days for awhile.

Mr. R has been having more awake time and was awake most of the evening. Then, slept a good deal and I had to wake him to eat, now he's been back to sleep for an hour and I'm still up. He's doing fine and is a good ole chap. Pretty easy to have around. The biggest problem is of course, him wanting to be awake and have attention right as I'm trying to get Max to bed.

And, I'm up worrying about Ms. N and so wanting to bring her into the family fold and about finally getting a picture of us all and being able to really be a family and the logistics of bringing her home if it is Friday vs. Saturday and deciding I kind of don't want to do it alone because I want pictures of the monumental event and worried that it really won't happen and we will have another setback and I'm not sure I could take and round and round the brain goes not stopping for sleep no matter how much the brain says I should when the heart is excited and trying not to be. Just maybe, my baby girl will be coming home soon.