yet another cd1

Today is yet another cd1. I didn’t really think I had a lot invested in this last cycle since it was a relatively low cost, unplanned, unmedicated one. But, I’ve been moody and all over the map since I got the offical negative. One minute thinking of just giving up and being happy with Max as an only child, the next thinking about moving to donor egg sooner rather than later, the next thinking about going on BCP’s for timing and to work on reducing my insulin level and weight, the next making active plans to cycle.

I talked to Dr. A last night about a protocol. He agreed that an oral/inj. cycle would probably be my next best step although he thinks I should try Letrozol again instead of Clomid and do 3 amps of injectibles instead of 1 or 2. I’m fine with his adjustments. I’m going in for labs tomorrow just to see what they look like and then to see if I can get in for a baseline u/s tomorrow afternoon. Back in the saddle again. Hee haw.

I’ve been doing some pampering. I was able to get in for a massage on Tuesday afternoon which was great and just what I needed and on the way back opted for a Gyros and low fat low carb frozen yogurt instead of ice cream. I saw my acupuncturist today and got another little back massage back pressure points.

Work also has me a bit down lately. We are going through another period of pretty big change. Depending on how things turn out, some of the end result I will probably like and could be good for me professionally or they could not be so much. Some of which I probably won’t like either way. No matter what I’m going to have a new boss. Depending on who that person is and how much I like or don’t working for them, it may be time to move on and look for something else. We will see.

Max is great. He finds spraying/trying to spray pour water outside the tub just hilarious. Okay, I know it is my reaction that he finds funny, but I can’t not react to it. He gets one, maybe two warnings and then water is off or bath is over. Anytime his diaper is off, he is fascinated with peeing. He’s desire to actually pee in the toilet has taken a back burner to peeing on the floor, in the tub, or pretty much wherever he can. When he gets out of the tub, he hurls himself at me with his knees and feet up in a ball and refuses to stand so I can dry him off until I pick him up and move him to the other side of the bathroom. He finds it quite funny to hurl himself at me when I am distracted. He’s been sleeping great, but been in a bit of a home body mode not wanting to go for walks. I’ve been able to lure him out at least a bit in the morning with raisins. But in the evening, I’ve just let him hang out and then walk Shadow out front after Max is in his crib. Sadly, Shadow has been fine with this change as well and I’m the only one a bit out of sorts and missing it.

My friend that is battling breast cancer has really been having a hard time with the chemo and feeling crappy. She’s cancelled a few lunch plans we had in favor of a nap instead, which I am completely fine with and understand, but wish she didn’t have to suffer so. Her mom has been here for the last 2 months helping out and left today. She was telling me that a few weeks ago she was so tired and weak she fell asleep on the couch downstairs. They were trying to keep the kids away from her with little success and her mom tried to get her to go up to her bed, but she just weakly replied that she couldn’t. She just couldn’t. She was feeling that bad and that tired. I called to check in on her today to see how she was doing without her mum and was happy that I actually caught her and that she sounded better than she has since before her mastectomy. Six more weeks of chemo for her then a few months of radiation.

I can’t believe that Memorial Day Weekend is coming up so fast. I’m going away on a short mine-vacation to my friends family’s beach house and I can’t wait.

I found out that I only have 3 vials of sperm left. I thought I had at least 5. I’m going to call to see if I even could get more if I wanted. That’s one of the reasons I’m thinking of moving to DE sooner. We will see. Ha, maybe this cycle will work. Yet, I kind of feel like it is really hopeless and I am just going through the motions because I don’t know how or when to quite. Then, I get a little hope and think that maybe it really will work this time and that it can’t work unless I try. I’m not the Virgin Mary and I will not have an immaculate conception.

Max and I both seem to be over the hurdle of that 6 – 8 week cold/cough marathon we had going and I think we are both feeling better and have more energy. I also am back to not sleeping that great. I guess it is a good news, bad news deal. While I’m not getting that much sleep, I’m also not really that tired and not missing it either most of the time. Max is sleeping great. I shouldn’t jinx myself by putting that in writing but he is going down well, sleeping through the night and waking up around 5:30 – 6 am…except for the day earlier in the week where he slept for 12 hours one night and then didn’t nap. I hated that day. I got gypped out of my nice morning time with him since he was sleeping and then got gypped out of any type of quality evening time with him because he was so tired and crabby he couldn’t see straight. But, other than that day, things are going really, really well.

I’ve doing a modified South Beach. I haven’t cut out carbs entirely like they recommend for the first few weeks, but I have really reduced them and making sure I have good carbs. I had (notice the had) lost about 2.5 – 3 lbs under the slow and steady route. Last might was dinner with mom night and we ended up ordering pizza for dinner. Not only did this apparently screw up the progress I had made with my IBS, I was back up 2 lbs this morning. I’m secretly hoping that it is fluid retention water weight due to the onset of my period. My f’ing body can be so f’ing unforgiving on things like this. It makes me just want to give in and throw in the towel, but I know that is not the answer. I’ve been having to do some positive self talk and avoidance by burying myself in a book to keep from getting too down on myself and over emotional. Yada Yada Yada

Life goes on. With all of its ups and downs and highs and lows. Just seems like there have been way more lows than highs lately.