Kool Aid Mom Wanna Be: Max, Max, and More Max...and a ttc update

It seems like so much is going on and I have so much that could be said, but I haven’t had the time, energy, and motivation. Max was just awful this morning. It was so bad that it is hard to describe and had me in tears (which is hard to do most of the time) by the end. It was so bad, that it is a good reminder and makes me appreciate how good I have it most of the time. He basically had a 45 – 60 minute tantrum over pretty much everything. He didn’t want his sleep blanket off. He didn’t want his diaper changed. He didn’t want his milk. He did want raisins, but didn’t want me to help him get them out or put them in a bowl. And, on and on and on. He was inconsolable. He didn’t throw himself on the ground kicking and screaming, but he did run around the house crying and flailing. It reminded me of that time after his second set of shots where nothing could calm him down. This is just so out of character for him that I just stood there in amazement looking at him half the time. It got so bad that towards the end and I was at a loss, I just picked him up and put him in his crib. Which got him even angrier, but seemed to be the trigger that ultimately got him calmed down. He just clung to me when I put him in the crib so I took him out and rocked him with his blanket which calmed him for a few minutes. Then, he calmed down and left the room so I got up to follow, which caused another whole tantrum with him basically telling me no, he wanted me to sit/stay in the chair in his room (fine, I didn’t really want to be around him anyway at that point) so he goes into the other room, brings the bag of raisins back and throws them at me getting all upset again. I’m still a bit in shock over it. I ignored that and just scooped him and his blanket up, hugged him tight, told him how much I loved him and started singing to him. I guess he finally wore himself out, couldn’t calm himself down, and this helped trigger it. So, 20 minutes of me calming singing, and two times watching Baby Neptune (which is the water video that is very calming and soothing to him and used whenever I really need him to wind down and/or calm down) rocking in my lap with his blanket and he was back to normal. Just awful. Thank goodness he is normally a pretty even keeled even tempered guy. I really don’t know what triggered it per se other than his sleep pattern was disrupted last night by a friend who stopped delaying his bedtime. No wonder I am so diligent about his sleep routine.

In other Max news, I showered yesterday morning before Max’s nanny was here. It wasn’t too long, but long enough to wash my hair which adds at least 5 minutes on to a shower and was surprised that Max hadn’t wondered in, hung over the side of the tub, and/or tried to climb in. When I got out, I called out to him asking what he was doing and I got the response of “agua” (water) back. I thought crap, did he get into Shadow’s water bowl? What kind of a mess am I going to have to clean up? So, I did a quick dry and popped out to check on him. He had climbed into the kitchen sink and was playing with the faucet. I just had to laugh. My guess is that he used the dishwasher door as leverage and was able to pull/climb himself up and in…thankfully without hurting himself and thankfully into the sink that didn’t have the dishes including two sharp knives in it.

In still other Max news, I talked to the teacher of Max’s gymnastics mommy and me class this morning that he takes on Wednesday mornings with Noemi. It was very interesting to hear how different Max is in that class. She was concerned that he wasn’t getting anything out of the class and that Noemi basically lets him run around doing whatever he wants with very little talking and interaction. She was concerned because he wasn’t talking to which I started laughing in surprise because he talks a lot and quite well around me. She was very happy to hear that. He mostly speaks in English but is starting to say a few Spanish words like aqua (water), ocho (8), si (yes), manyana sp? (tomorrow). In the course of the conversation, I mentioned about how much he seemed to like the class and how he comes home and practices his summersaults and balance beam and stuff. It was her turn to be surprised because I guess he doesn’t actually do these in the class so she didn’t think he was getting anything out of it. She kept talking about Max wanting to go off and not be with the group (like this was a big problem/concern) and I asked her at what age appropriate for that to which she admitted that it was a big range and that a lot of kids struggled with that. I reminded her that Max wasn’t even two yet and I didn’t think it was realistic for him to “sit still” in a group just yet. The biggest impression that I got was that Noemi just lets Max do whatever he wants (which I don’t really have a huge problem with in general) and that she often won’t follow or chase after him (which could be a safety concern in that type of situation). We agreed to keep more in contact and I may try to go to a class or two if I can just to see how things are going The problem is that with me going, it just changes the whole dynamic so I won’t see what she sees. I also think she felt better to know that Max actually can talk and that he actually is getting something out of the class even if she doesn’t see the evidence yet. Amazing how he can be so different. I don’t really perceive him as shy, but that’s what it sounded like.

In ttc related news, I am cycling. I went in on cd2 (last Friday) for a baseline and had a follicle already at 10.5 on the left so we scrapped the planned protocol added some (1.5 amps) meds to help it along with the hopes I would have an IUI before the long weekend. Went back yesterday (Tuesday) for a follicle check and it had only grown to 15 so no IUI this week. I’ll go in for an u/s on Friday early afternoon to see how things look and see if I can push things off for a Tuesday IUI. I kind of wish I had just let it go and not cycled, but too late now so I’ll deal with it. After all, this one could be the good egg.

Not that anyone other than me is keeping track, but it was a year ago this month that I got pregnant/miscarried the last time. It has already been a year. That has been weighing on my mind and on my emotions. The baby would be 3 months now and I would be looking at going back to work after maternity leave. Gosh, it has been a long hard year, a long hard 15 months now, trying for a second child. I feel worn to my bone. I really don’t want to do it anymore. Yet, I want another child. That desire is still strong enough to keep me going. I flop between moving to DE sooner rather than later and to the other extreme, doing IUI’s for another 6 – 8 months before moving on. To that end, I may buy a lot more of my donor this month before the rates go up. He hardly has any vials left. I figure it will be worth 3K for the insurance as opposed to 35 – 40K for a DE cycle. I just haven’t yet called to officially spend the money yet.

Max and I after a visit to the aquarium last weekend.