-2 and other random thoughts

Now that we are two days away from Friday, I’m a bit past the stress and shock of spending about 8k in one day. Three went to much needed tree removal and trimming in my back yard before the roots destroyed my cinderblock fence (already starting to crack it), my patio, and possibly the pool. I’ve needed to do it for a year or so now, but haven’t wanted to part with the money. However, it got to the point where it would be more money to fix the problems caused by having the trees removed than by removing them in the first place. The rest went to the purchase of 10 more vials of my donor. Yes, 10, along with a year of storage.

I currently have 3 vials of sperm at my clinic and now have 10 at the bank for a total of 13. One will get used on Tuesday. Trigger tonight/this morning at 2:30 am…lovely… for an IUI on Tuesday afternoon. By normal standards (read for anyone else) I would have been told to trigger Friday night for a Sunday IUI since my follicle was at 20 during my u/s. But, I said, lets push it because 1) the last two times I got pregnant (with Max and m/c a year ago this month) my follicle was at 24 at the day of trigger 2) it really, really, really would have been a pain in the ass to get an IUI this weekend. I would have had to call the embryologist cell phone so she could meet me at the clinic to give me the sperm, then drive to OC for the IUI since my normal office isn’t open but the OC one is this weekend, then back to drop of the tank. Two much trouble and drama and I seriously thought about just letting the egg go (even though it COULD be the good one) if it looked like I could push it. I’ve been supposed to be checking OPK’s to make sure I don’t/haven’t surged, but I have been very lazidasical about it and didn’t check at all on Friday or most of Saturday. I guess I should check tonight before bed, but not feeling inspired.

Anyway, best case scenario is that this cycle is the magic cycle and next February I have another child. Now, wouldn’t that just be great. But, as you can imagine, since I just bought 10 more vials, I’m not counting on it. My current plan, since my FSH was back down to 6.5* this month and I am getting at least one follicle a month is to take the perseverance route just throw sperm at an egg in either low stim or no stim cycles until I’m down to 2 remaining vials and then move to DE. I figure if I don’t get pregnant in 11 tries, I will likely be ready to move on. I’m already past farthest spread I would have had like children (wanted them no more than 2 years apart) so have decided to take that pressure off of myself and just keep plugging along until it works, I can’t stand the process anymore and give up, my ovaries just plain die out and don’t produce anything anymore, or I run out of sperm.

I really wasn’t planning on buying 10 vials, but 1) my donor hasn’t been donating in years, is only offered to women for a sibling attempt since he has reached is maximum child limit, the clinic is cleaning up it’s old storage and has said that at a certain point it will destroy all but a few remaining vials that may be needed for future testing, and I’ve been worried that someone will come and buy him out since there is so little left 2) when I called to see how much was left and place an order, I was told that the rates were going up effective June 1st by almost $100 a vial. So, I thought about my plan, put 6 on hold, pondered things for a few days, and called back on Friday and ordered 10. I gulped at the cost, but figured that it is still a hell of a lot cheaper than a donor egg cycle. And, maybe, just maybe I’ll get a payout…like winning the lottery, but better…one of these months.

In other news, I got a card in the mail from my OB yesterday. It read, “Dear Debbie, If I haven’t been vocal enough I wanted to sincerely than you for your generous contributions to the children’s education fund. I hope our relationship is lifelong that we may always remember his sincerity and love. Sincerely, xxxxx (her first name)”. Now, she already sent me a thank you card. And, I was never a personal friend of either Dr. P or Dr. N in that I never did anything social with them, but I was always very, very fond of both. Come on, Dr. N helped my get pregnant with Max and Dr. P helped deliver him. It is only because of Dr. N and the education he gave me while he was still alive that allows me to continue this ttc path, basically make my own protocols, and move forward. If he had just been an ordinary RE, I’d never be able to do it. If I am able to have a second child, probably, I will name that child after Dr. N. I’ve thought a lot about it. If it is a girl, Nora. I’m still pondering a boy name. Anyway, I’m digressing again. I’m not sure how to respond to the card. Dr. P KNOWS how fond I was of Dr. N. In fact, when I last saw Dr. P a month or so ago to get my referral for the mammogram/breast ultrasound, she made a comment about how she feels like we both lost our husband. The comment made me a bit uncomfortable for a few reasons and assured her that my loss as Dr. N’s patient could never ever compare to her loss, but that I would always miss and remember him and we had a really nice conversation about him. With this card, I’m not sure if and how to respond. I feel like maybe she is reaching out as a friend? Maybe she wants to cross that patient/friendship bond? Someone who would be happy to talk about how wonderful Dr. N was and how much we miss him? I actually really like her and could see us being friends, maybe not best bosom buddies, but friends. Logistically, it would be a challenge with the normal stuff and she lives in the same town as pretty much every really good friend and the core of my SMC support network..which is at least 45 minutes away one way. How I would love to move closer if only I could afford it, which I can’t right now. Anyway, I’m digressing again. I’ll have to ponder this a bit. She really didn’t seem upset at all when Max crank phone called her at 7:30 am from my cell phone a few weeks ago (think I posted about that?). I guess I’ll get back to that best case scenario on this cycle in that I get pregnant and have a good reason to see a bunch of her soon. Otherwise, I think I have a pap this summer and will see her then and take it from there. As I said, I’ll need to ponder it a bit.

As has happened last time I sat down to do a quick post, it has ended up being much longer than planned. I didn’t realize I had that much to say. Well, I better go try to get some sleep so I can wake up in the middle of the night to stab myself with a needle. Ho hum, just another shot, in another cycle, that I have had to work not to forget.

ps. Did you notice the nice “supported” boobs in the photo of Max and I from the aquarium last weekend? As you can see, wearing my new braziers. I’m much fonder of the no wire support ones, not only as a matter of principle, but because they also seem to fit better. To bad I can’t take the other ones back and trade them in. For the record, I was wearing the non under wire support one that day. I was very happy to see that my boobs actually looked bigger than my stomach in that picture. Really, I need to get pregnant since I already look that way. I did a quick grocery run this afternoon ($90 later, how does that happen) to get fixings for dinner while my mom watched Max and Carolyn (my cousin’s daughter who is visiting for 10 days) and I was asked if I wanted help out to the car. I’m sure the guy thought I was pregnant. I’m choosing not to dwell on that and depress myself.

* I guess I never did get around to posting my labs? I know I thought about it, but not sure I ever actually got around to it. I guess I’ll have to check and post them if not.