Long, emotional, crappie week

It has been a long, emotional, and mostly crappie week. I just put Max down. I’m on my second glass of wine. I feel like crawling in bed and just bawling my eyes out. Lucky collapsed on our evening walk. We were in front of the house directly behind ours and the dogs were out, but I didn’t know that. Lucky went and charged the fence. Because she is so anemic and her red blood cells and platelets counts were so low, they said to be careful of any pulls on the collar or extra activity because it can cause internal bleeding that could be fetal. I got her calm and past the house. She seemed fine one second so we started walking and she just crumbled and collapsed. It was so scary. I didn’t know what to do. I had Max in the stroller and Shadow with me on leash. I called a friend that doesn’t live to far in a panic and she came right over. When I started crying talking to her, Lucky got up and came over to me and she made it home. She seems okay now, unless I start getting really upset again and then she gets nervous and upset so I am trying to stay calm. My friend and I think maybe her blood pressure just dropped and she fainted for a second or something. It made me realize how prepared I need to be to loose her very quickly. This is so hard.

I got Lucky’s results back on Wednesday and my vet wanted me to talk to the specialist, but the specialist had already left. She called me Thursday morning telling me that the lab work looked like something else was going on because her platelets were low, but her white blood cells were high/normal. She said it could be something other than the Lymphoma that could be treated with steroids for 6 months and she would be fine. I was starting to get my hopes up until I realized/asked if she had seen the last report that showed stage 4 lymphoma (she hadn’t), but said Lucky needed to be seen by an internist right away. I explained that I couldn’t put Lucky through another round of treatment and that I was interested in finding the best way to ensure her comfort and happiness in the time she had left.

I get to the clinic and see the internist. He goes and consults with the oncologist (not the one I have seen in the past) and they explain that Lucky has this auto immune disease called ITO that is likely caused by the Lymphoma, but could be caused by other things (but since the treatment is the same it doesn’t really matter and no sense spending the money on the tests). They wanted to hospitalize her for a few days to stabilize her, and put her under anesthesia and biopsy her bone marrow and give a dose of chemo (which apparently will help both the ITO and the cancer). They keep pressuring me to go for aggressive treatment and it was so hard not to buy in. At one point when they were preparing another estimate, I called my regular vet to ask her opinion, but she was out to lunch. I ended up refusing to have her hospitalized, but did agree to the bone marrow biopsy and one treatment of the chemo. Probably a wasted $800 but I was there and couldn’t just do nothing at point. I was just bawling my eyes out. I kept trying to explain that I just wanted her to be comfortable and happy. They kept talking about treatment. They broke my heart when they said that if you are at peace with loosing her doing nothing is a valid option. I will NEVER be at peace with loosing her, but don’t want to put her through more trauma. I left with two sets of prescriptions (a steroid and an antibiotic). I’m so confused about proceeding and the benefits, but figured I would go this path for a week or two and re-evaluate.

It really hit me how sick she is when she collapsed. Yet, she isn’t concerned about her, just me.

What I know is that she would rather be at home with me dying than in some stinking hospital. She is my baby and follows me around the house. She has never spent the night away from home. When I leave, someone comes in and she is at home with Shadow. Leaving her would just break her heart. That, I could not do to her.

I also know that it will break her heart if I take Max and Shadow out without her. She would rather go out living life and smelling pee-mail than waiting to die at home.

I don’t know whether a quick death from the internal bleeding will be better or worse than the slower death of cancer.

My regular vet did call me back while I was still at the specialist clinic and she was very helpful in reassuring me that not taking Lucky through extreme treatment is the most humane thing for her right now. She has been Lucky’s vet since she was a puppy and knows how much I love her.

As hard as it is, think I am going to call her tomorrow (she said I can call anytime) and talk to her about death scenarios; like what to do if she dies at home (or on a walk), if it comes time to put her down (I know someone who was able to have someone come to the house and do it while her pet was comfortable in her own bed), etc.

I love me dog enough to let her go when it is time.

A good friend is coming on Sunday to stay the night and we are going to film Max and Lucky together so Max (okay, really me) will have memories of their time together. I am so sad that they are not going to grow up together and Max is too small to remember.

Gawd, this is so hard.

In other news, Max is fine. Growing heavy and tall. Cute as can be. One of the happiest babies I have ever known. I felt crampy and may have started spotting. Felt like my period may be coming. Not sure and feeling less crampy (after 2 glasses of wine). In some ways I am antsy and anxious to start trying again. In another, it will be another stress on top of Lucky dying, work, having a 7 month old, and other general life stresses.

I’m trying to decide whether to pour another glass or stop. Either way, I am going to close and go soak in the tub a bit and maybe take some of my sorrows and pain away. I am so emotionally drained that I almost feel numb at the moment.