Dog Love

I have a confession to make. I coveted my friend’s dog today. Seriously.

Naomi had a dr. appointment so I decided to play hooky from work and went to visit a friend I haven’t seen much of lately. She is a stay at home mom and her kids are about a year and a half older than Max. Our schedules just have been off lately.

Anyway, we had a nice visit and I was going to leave and I wanted to hustle her dog Daphne out the door and try to sneak her home with me, before I realized that she would likely notice in a fashion and I have vowed not to get another dog for a few years.

The thing is, Daphne and Lucky, while very different in some ways, were so much alike in others. This friend and I actually met about 8 years ago when Lucky and Daphne were puppies at the dog park. Daphne and Lucky were both the alpha dog and the “high maintenance” dog of the family. Not surprisingly, they never really liked each other, but tolerated each other. The never mixed it up until this year when we met on a trail a few months ago and Daphne came over to say hello and Lucky told Daphne in no uncertain terms to BACK OFF that she tolerated her getting near me in the past, but Daphne was NOT allowed to get near her Max.

The thing with Daphne is that Daphne really loves me. She was always fond of me, but we really bonded several years ago when I would stop by and take her and Barkley out while my friend and her husband were going through some personal tragedies. Sometimes I would take out my two and then her two if I had time. Other times I would take all 4 dogs out. It was a bit challenging to get Daphne and Lucky in a car together, but once I managed that it was all good.

Yesterday, I realized that in addition to the devastation and grief of loosing Lucky, I was also feeling very lonely. It’s an odd feeling to feel lonely when you have a house full. I almost never feel lonely. Actually, I can’t remember the last time I actually felt lonely, but think it has to be at least 11 years ago before I moved to Southern California. This lack of loneliness is probably one big contributing factor to why I never married. Because while I don’t feel lonely very often, I don’t like it. Of all the emotions, it is probably one that makes me most uncomfortable.

Lucky was my constant companion. If I was working in the office, she was in the office with me. If I took a bath or shower, she moved into my bedroom. If I was putting Max down or playing with him in his room, she would come in. If the door was latched so she couldn’t push it open she would cry and whine at the door. She was a loyal and devoted dog. After 9 years of her company, to have it suddenly gone is a very big adjustment for me. I miss having her around.

I have known and raised Lucky since she was a puppy. I am the only owner she really had. She loved me unconditionally. When I saw Daphne today, Daphne is the same way. When I am near her, I am top dog. She follows me, wants my attention, and wants to be near me. My friend has never worried about her kids or any other kids around Daphne. She watches Daphne like a hawk when Max is around because she is afraid Daphne will get jealous.

It brought tears to my eyes when I realized that I had and lost my first dog love when I lost Lucky. Dog love is like no other love. It is different and in some ways stronger than a love a child has for his/her mom; a husband for his wife; siblings; etc. Dog love is so pure and unconditional and complete. Dog love is what inspired someone to coin the phrase “I strive to be the person my dog thinks I am.” In all other relationships, one party can see the others faults and loves them anyway. In dog love, you have no faults.

I don’t mean to discount or discredit Shadow in anyway. Shadow is very happy with me and the life she has with me. I don’t think she would want to be anywhere else, because let’s face it a dog in my house has a pretty darn good life. But, Shadow was already 6 or 7 when she came to live with me and probably 8 when my roommate moved out and left Shadow with me. I was the third “owner” Shadow had. I think when you change families once or twice, you tend to loose dog love a bit. While Shadow is keeping tabs on me a bit more than before (and is laying under the desk at my feet as I type this), she isn’t as devoted (read, I don’t have to be constantly in her sight) as Lucky. If it is a nice day out, she will go out an lay in the yard. When I go to bed, she will not follow unless I yell at her and make her come (which I only do when I have company and plan to sleep with my door closed). With Lucky, I just had to say, “Let’s go night night” and she was there.

Today was easier than yesterday. Yesterday was easier than the day before. But, it was still hard. We walked at the park this morning because it was wet and rainy. I have been going to the park since Lucky was a puppy and all the long time regulars know us. The first person I saw was “Where’s Lucky?” My cleaning lady came today. Ana has been cleaning my house since Lucky was a puppy. It was hard telling about Lucky. It was even harder telling her not to re-make Lucky’s bed after she washed the sheets. It was hard to offer Lucky’s toys to her for her dog (Shadow never was interested or played with toys the way Lucky did) before I threw them out.

All too quickly, everything is changing around here. Lucky’s blanket is stored away and her space at the foot of my bed is gone. Her toys and toy baskets are put away.

It is getting easier day by day, but I still miss my Lucky and the dog love she gave me.

Going through and posting those pictures yesterday was very therapeutic for me. I hadn’t noticed how tired and weary she had become until I looked at the pictures from the last week and compared them to pictures from a few years ago. That dog loved me so much that even in the end she was more worried about me than herself. There have been a few times since I lost her (including once earlier today) where I have a bit of a panic attack thinking that she really wasn’t that sick, that she could have gotten better, she could have rebounded, that she could have still been with me today if I would have tried harder or cared more. Then, I remember the pictures and her weary, tired eyes and how sick she really was in the end. I remember the vet saying that there was no chance she would rebound and that I could admit her and have a blood transfusion that would make her feel better for maybe 24 hours or 2 -3 days max, but that was it.

I wish she hadn’t gotten so sick. I am angry at the universe or God or whatever for cutting her life so short. She had half the life that Shadow has already lived. She was such a part of my life. She was the most faithful friend a person could ever have.

I guess I am cycling through the grief process – despair, anger, denial, and acceptance (I think). I am definitely not at acceptance yet, but I know I have felt the despair, anger, and denial.

I am tired. I am emotionally drained. I am talked out.

I am also chilled. I have been very, very cold lately. Physically cold.

It was a week ago this afternoon that I took Lucky to the vet and found out that she was likely out of remission. It was only six days ago that we got the results back. Five days since we saw the specialist. Three days since she has been gone.

How did my life change so fast? How did I loose her so quickly? Why? Why her? Why now?

I am lonely and I miss my dog. I miss the dog love and devotion and loyalty and companionship. I may get that again some day down the line. But, there will never ever be another Lucky. She was a one of a kind. No way, now how will I ever find another like her. She was unique looking and unique in character. Boy, could she make me laugh. She was so much fun.