Too Good To Be True

I fell asleep with Max last night about 7:30 pm. He was a bit fussy. Straining to pass gas. Finally, I gave him some Mylicon. It seemed like it took awhile to work. Running out of things to try, I put on my PJ’s, put him in bed with me, and fed him lying down on his side. That seemed to do the trick and he was asleep in about 5 min. I was asleep within 10. I got up at some point to turn off the lights, go to the bathroom, and put Max in the co-sleeper (the crib just seemed too far to walk). I’m a tad worried because I started Max on formula yesterday. It is supposed to be the most easily digested and he really didn’t have that much – 4 oz of breast milk mixed with 2 oz of formula in the middle of the day. Maybe it is just coincidence because I had Mexican for lunch with a ‘Rita? I guess tomorrow will tell.

Max slept until about 2:30 until he needed more fuel. I fed him off of both breasts and he is back asleep. I’m not so lucky. But, if you count them, that was 7 hours of pretty much straight sleep. My old ideal. I’m rested enough I didn’t think I would be going back and since Max is in my room, I didn’t really want to turn on the TV or the light to read. I guess I could have moved him, but….

I was laying there thinking about something I have been thinking about for awhile now. I don’t think about it every waking second. It is just something that has been lurking at the edge of my subconscious for awhile now. Here it is….

My life seems to be going so well. I am so happy. Motherhood is all I expected it to be and more. I feel content. Like, I am living the life I was meant to live. It really is a great feeling. BUT, it almost seems too good to be true. I’m kind of waiting for the shoe to drop (so to speak). Waiting for something bad to happen. It isn’t as if I don’t think I deserve to be this happy. I do. I never really thought of myself as a negative glass half empty kind of person. I don’t know. Maybe I was always that way and just never realized it. Or, maybe the ttc process and the miscarriage took an even bigger toll than I realized. Or, maybe I just can’t ever remember being this happy in my life. I really can’t.

I mean, life isn’t perfect.

I still have that ‘roid and baby wipes and ‘roid cream hanging out in my bathroom.

The job that I used to love has turned into a job that is just okay. One that is paying the bills. One that I wish I didn’t have to do so I could spend more time with Max. I don’t hate it, but I don’t really love it anymore. It isn’t just Max and having him in my life. There were a changes that happened while I was out on leave and that have happened since that have contributed. However, because of Max, I am not making a change right now like I probably would have. And, if I hadn’t been out on leave with Max, probably some of the changes wouldn’t have happened or I would have had more influence in how they happened. I really wasn’t expecting my feelings about my job to change so much after having a child.

While I got about 7 hours of sleep straight last night, the night before I only got minimal sleep at a stretch the entire night. Partly because Max was up more frequently to eat and about 4 am decided that he was awake for the night. He was talking and cue’ing, not crying or fussy or anything. It was so cute. Partly because I had trouble falling back to sleep after feeding Max and when I did he was ready to be up, the dogs were up and down, Lucky had a tummy ache and her stomach was churning away, City Boy had a fur ball while on my bed, the dogs decided to chase City Boy from one side of the house to the other, etc. It was just one of those nights. They happen every now and again. But, this I really expected with having a child. Actually, on average, I am getting more sleep than I expected to get.

Money is a little tight. Not the day today money. I mean, I have money to pay the basic bills, get groceries, pay the nanny. But, I needed to have my side gate and the garage door rebuilt. I need to have the roof on my mom’s place redone. My sewage line probably needs to be replaced sooner rather than later (think it is blocked with roots, but don’t really want to call someone out cause I don’t want to hear what they will tell me). I want to try for a second child sooner rather than later. I need to have a few tree’s removed. Things like that. All of which will cost in the thousands each. It’s just the order and how quickly (or rather how long I can wait) they need to get done. Plus, I am thinking about splurging and buying myself a nice pair of diamond earrings for my 40th birthday. I have always wanted a pair and would like to give myself something special to remember the occasion (since if I don’t know one will with no hubby or boyfriend around). But, I am having trouble justifying the added expense when there are so many other things that the money should go towards.

Max really is such a good kid. Things have gone much better and more smoothly than I have thought. I’ve been getting comments when I talk about trying to have a second. Comments like, just wait until you have a second. Since Max is so good, the second will be a handful, a terror, royal pain, etc. It actually irritates the hell out of me. First off, I don’t take for granted that I will be able to have another. I think I have a decent shot, but it isn’t a sure thing. Second, I think some of the reason that it has gone so well is because of me. I mean, I do think the child’s personality has something to do with it, but I don’t think it is the only factor. Then, I think…what if I am wrong and they are right. In some ways, I can’t imagine another child being the dream that Max is. Maybe it is just him and his personality and nothing to do with me and my mommy style.

Anyway, life just seems a little too good to be true right now. As morbid as it probably sounds, I am so happy that Max wakes up everyday and is still a part of my life. I don’t take him being in it for granted. I still check to make sure he is still breathing on a regular basis. Just thinking about him and how much he has added to my life, I am getting teary eyed. Again, he is all I have hoped for and more.

Plus, I have a better group of friends and support system than I ever remember having in my life. The women I have met through the national Single Mom by Choice group are diverse and wonderful. It is like I have an instant connection and rapport with them. I am closer than some with others. Some are no longer single (okay, one). A few have put ttc on hold to focus on other things in there life. A few have had children. A few already had a child/ren. Sadly, a few are still struggling and still trying (and for them my heart breaks). With this group of women, I feel like I belong in away I never ever remember belonging to another group. If I would have had a child without finding this group and the women I have met through it (and I didn’t find the group until after I already started trying), my life would be so different and probably still good, but not as good as it is right now because of it.

Somewhere along the line I guess I have “learned” that life is hard and maybe I don’t really think I deserve to be as happy as I am, but I am, so I am waiting for someone or something to take it away. Just a thought nagging at my psyche.

Yes, life could be better. Yes, life could be worse. Yet, I can’t remember being as happy with the life I have now. God, I hope I don’t Jinx myself by saying that. It just all seems a bit too surreal and too good to be true.