Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Rain Play
We've had rain the last few days. Not sure how much, but a fair amount for here and this time a year. I've gotten disapproving looks from the nanny, but have let the kids go out and play and get wet and dirty after dinner. My mom was here tonight and she made some comment about not believing, especially since we are on the tail ends...still...of colds, that I'd let them out. I reminded her that colds don't come from being cold and wet, they come from germs. Then, she saw the joy and fun they had. Especially after being inside and sterile all day. Although like when it is too hot or smoky from fires, I have brought in the big climbing slides and swing. And, we brought in a push toy. N is getting good at them and think she will join the ranks of solo walking soon. Anyway, I digress. I often wonder at the disapproving looks and criticism. It is not as if they will melt in the rain. It's not really cold, just wet. N just held her hand up and laughed at the rain. The all loved splashing in the water puddles. N had a wild wet ride on the horse. Max and R and I had some nice games of chase. And, they all loved the warm bath, snuggly PJ's, and milk after the outdoor fun. We get rain so rarely around here, I'm glad that they are getting a chance to feel and experience it. Yes, I know not for everyone, but we've enjoyed it here. Fresh air, outside time, even or especially wet (since it is a bit of a novelty) does the body and heart good, in my not so humble opinion.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Helicopter (and other ramblings)
Have you ever heard the term Helicopter mom? I never have until recently and now I've heard it a lot. So, either I've been completely oblivious, which is entirely possible. Or, it is a relatively new term.
I'm not a helicopter mom, by they way. I'm not negligent either. I just give the kids lots of room to practice and grow and develop. And, I firmly believe in natural consequences.
R, I think, is probably going to be the most athletic of my kids. He's got balance and coordination and energy and drive. We will see how that plays out with his asthma and lung issues. We had just weaned off breathing treatments and ramped back up due to the next round of sickness. He doesn't let a little thing like not being able to catch a breath or breath fully slow him down. Although, he is sitting better and quite calmly and quietly for treatments these days. He's quite fond of the TV and only gets to watch during treatment time.
N, is not so steady, but getting better all the time. She's so proud of herself. I have some pictures of last weekend with the proud look I need to post. Anyway, when she was first getting started, I was right there to show her how to turn around and go feet first to come down, to make sure she didn't loose her balance, or get pushed off by her brother. But, she has it now. She's more cautious. She is slower to pick things up and reach milestones than R, but she watches both of her brothers and when she has a few minutes of peace and quiet to herself she practices. But, when she gets it, she gets it and becomes proficient fast.
It's amazing having twins and control subjects with each other. R's behavior so typical of "boy" behavior and N's so typical of "girls". N can spend a good 10 minutes or so multiple times per day trying to fasten the buckles on a stroller or highchair. Her fine motor skills are amazing compared to either of the boys actually. R probably barely sees the straps and I don't think it would ever occur to him to actually try to fasten the torture restraint that keeps him from go go going.
N, of all my kids, needs time to herself to explore and check things out. Now and always, I need to carve out little times for her just for some alone time for herself. R, can not stand to be alone. From the very beginning, the moment he was brought home from the hospital. He needs someone else there. Don't even think if leaving him in a room by himself while you take N in the other room for something. Oh my word, the hysterics. The PT was telling me once that she was working with N in the twins room (often it works best and need to have them seperated during sessions because R just is too jealous and wants all the toys and attention) and Noemi went to the bathroom. This was before R was mobile (and I was doing a project with Max's class at the time so not home). R pitched such a fit that she ran out there thinking something major was going on. As soon as he saw her he was all smiles and happy. This is not atypical. Now that I think about it, R got almost all the drama for the family.
Anyway, speaking of the PT, that brings me to main point...she's a helicopter type. :) Don't get me wrong, I love her. She was briefly Max's PT for a few sessions because he was a toe walker. About the third session, she looks him in the eye and said "Max, stop walking on your toes." He did and that was the end of PT for Max. Anyway, we really clicked and she had said if I ever need any PT for the twins (was pregnant at the time Max was released) to request her. I took her up on the offer and it has worked well. But, it does make me laugh because she is so worried about them falling or getting hurt and that is part of being a kid and learning to climb and walk. She's told me about a friend of hers who was all upset because her (I think it was 5) year old had fallen and gotten his first bruise because she was so cautious and hovering and protective. I'm sorry. I don't even think that is healthy.
How do you ever get the proud look, that confidence, that self esteem if the child never gets a chance to try?
I understand the term and what it means to be a helicopter mom and read about a couple in some doctor's office magazine about a couple who was headed towards divorce because she was helicopter (actually used that term) and he overcompensated in the other direction.
I guess I don't understand the fear or the motivator for the behavior...the hover behavior. What are you trying to protect them from? The safety one I guess. To my philosophy (and I know we all have our own that works for us and our families..or not) it does more harm than good for a social and psychological perspective. We all have failures and falls and frustrations and disappointments in life. To me, my job isn't to prevent the failures and the falls and disappointments. It's to teach them how to deal with them. "Oh R, it sounds like you are frustrated because you can't push the toy over the rock (or through the chair or whatever), it may help if you pick it up or back it up a bit and go around". If I "fix" it every time, how does he learn to fix it for himself. Don't get me wrong. I'll show him. I'll help. But the saying holds true typically small kids small problems. Big kids, big problems. I want to teach them with the small stuff when the consequences are small.
Anyway, even I no longer remember the point. I need more sleep. I'm headed there now. The rythme was interrupted by Max who awoke coughing and crying with yet another nose bleed. He got the first one last month and had two or three then. He got one yesterday at school, one last night, one before bath tonight and one just a bit ago. Usually, he handles it quite well, being tired and woken from the cough and the blood had him a bit overwrought. He's calm and back to sleep hopefully for the night and without a bloody sheet/pillow mess to greet me at some awful hour or in the morning. I was left to try to regather my thoughts and am further rather than closer to sleep time myself.
Oh, and in the proud category. I got very little sleep last night. My own fault, the kids were all fine and slept through with no problems or pee accidents. And, I'm not feeling so hot myself, but today was the next possible 'be kind to yourself and get out and walk day'. I didn't want to. I didn't feel like it. I did it anyway. I'm proud of me. To me, working out every day at the same basic time is much easier. It is a habit and you can do it by rote without even thinking about it. Trying to fit it in when and how you can, feels much harder to me. Like making the commitment each and every time.
I'm not a helicopter mom, by they way. I'm not negligent either. I just give the kids lots of room to practice and grow and develop. And, I firmly believe in natural consequences.
R, I think, is probably going to be the most athletic of my kids. He's got balance and coordination and energy and drive. We will see how that plays out with his asthma and lung issues. We had just weaned off breathing treatments and ramped back up due to the next round of sickness. He doesn't let a little thing like not being able to catch a breath or breath fully slow him down. Although, he is sitting better and quite calmly and quietly for treatments these days. He's quite fond of the TV and only gets to watch during treatment time.
N, is not so steady, but getting better all the time. She's so proud of herself. I have some pictures of last weekend with the proud look I need to post. Anyway, when she was first getting started, I was right there to show her how to turn around and go feet first to come down, to make sure she didn't loose her balance, or get pushed off by her brother. But, she has it now. She's more cautious. She is slower to pick things up and reach milestones than R, but she watches both of her brothers and when she has a few minutes of peace and quiet to herself she practices. But, when she gets it, she gets it and becomes proficient fast.
It's amazing having twins and control subjects with each other. R's behavior so typical of "boy" behavior and N's so typical of "girls". N can spend a good 10 minutes or so multiple times per day trying to fasten the buckles on a stroller or highchair. Her fine motor skills are amazing compared to either of the boys actually. R probably barely sees the straps and I don't think it would ever occur to him to actually try to fasten the torture restraint that keeps him from go go going.
N, of all my kids, needs time to herself to explore and check things out. Now and always, I need to carve out little times for her just for some alone time for herself. R, can not stand to be alone. From the very beginning, the moment he was brought home from the hospital. He needs someone else there. Don't even think if leaving him in a room by himself while you take N in the other room for something. Oh my word, the hysterics. The PT was telling me once that she was working with N in the twins room (often it works best and need to have them seperated during sessions because R just is too jealous and wants all the toys and attention) and Noemi went to the bathroom. This was before R was mobile (and I was doing a project with Max's class at the time so not home). R pitched such a fit that she ran out there thinking something major was going on. As soon as he saw her he was all smiles and happy. This is not atypical. Now that I think about it, R got almost all the drama for the family.
Anyway, speaking of the PT, that brings me to main point...she's a helicopter type. :) Don't get me wrong, I love her. She was briefly Max's PT for a few sessions because he was a toe walker. About the third session, she looks him in the eye and said "Max, stop walking on your toes." He did and that was the end of PT for Max. Anyway, we really clicked and she had said if I ever need any PT for the twins (was pregnant at the time Max was released) to request her. I took her up on the offer and it has worked well. But, it does make me laugh because she is so worried about them falling or getting hurt and that is part of being a kid and learning to climb and walk. She's told me about a friend of hers who was all upset because her (I think it was 5) year old had fallen and gotten his first bruise because she was so cautious and hovering and protective. I'm sorry. I don't even think that is healthy.
How do you ever get the proud look, that confidence, that self esteem if the child never gets a chance to try?
I understand the term and what it means to be a helicopter mom and read about a couple in some doctor's office magazine about a couple who was headed towards divorce because she was helicopter (actually used that term) and he overcompensated in the other direction.
I guess I don't understand the fear or the motivator for the behavior...the hover behavior. What are you trying to protect them from? The safety one I guess. To my philosophy (and I know we all have our own that works for us and our families..or not) it does more harm than good for a social and psychological perspective. We all have failures and falls and frustrations and disappointments in life. To me, my job isn't to prevent the failures and the falls and disappointments. It's to teach them how to deal with them. "Oh R, it sounds like you are frustrated because you can't push the toy over the rock (or through the chair or whatever), it may help if you pick it up or back it up a bit and go around". If I "fix" it every time, how does he learn to fix it for himself. Don't get me wrong. I'll show him. I'll help. But the saying holds true typically small kids small problems. Big kids, big problems. I want to teach them with the small stuff when the consequences are small.
Anyway, even I no longer remember the point. I need more sleep. I'm headed there now. The rythme was interrupted by Max who awoke coughing and crying with yet another nose bleed. He got the first one last month and had two or three then. He got one yesterday at school, one last night, one before bath tonight and one just a bit ago. Usually, he handles it quite well, being tired and woken from the cough and the blood had him a bit overwrought. He's calm and back to sleep hopefully for the night and without a bloody sheet/pillow mess to greet me at some awful hour or in the morning. I was left to try to regather my thoughts and am further rather than closer to sleep time myself.
Oh, and in the proud category. I got very little sleep last night. My own fault, the kids were all fine and slept through with no problems or pee accidents. And, I'm not feeling so hot myself, but today was the next possible 'be kind to yourself and get out and walk day'. I didn't want to. I didn't feel like it. I did it anyway. I'm proud of me. To me, working out every day at the same basic time is much easier. It is a habit and you can do it by rote without even thinking about it. Trying to fit it in when and how you can, feels much harder to me. Like making the commitment each and every time.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
FAT
The other night I was reading The Hungry Caterpillar, by Eric Carle to the kids before bed. It hadn't come up in the book rotation in a year or so. I don't remember reading it since the twins were born. I was reading the page where it talks about how the caterpillar wasn't hungry anymore and he wasn't a little caterpillar any more, he was a big fat caterpillar. Max asked me what fat meant. I told him. Something like to be really big, round and pump. He asked me if I was fat. Ouch! I replied that yes, most people would consider me fat. I thought of myself as comfortable.* As only a little child could, he innocently replies that he didn't think I was fat. And, we moved on.
It made me a tad sad, because who wants to be thought about as fat. I've spent a lot of years coming to terms with my weight and who I am. I'm more sad about the prejudice and judgments...unfairly and incorrectly in my not so humble opinion...towards fat people. I'm tired of people assuming that fat people are lazy, eat poorly, don't exercise, etc. and so forth.
I'm not lazy. I'm not as productive and efficient as I was pre-kids, but I challenge anyone to do and accomplish what I typically do in any one given day.
By and large, I don't eat poorly. I'm not perfect, but I eat better and more balanced than at least 75% of everyone I know. I rarely eat fast food. I cook relatively healthy well balanced meals...not every night, but the majority. Those nights I don't "cook" I still serve well balanced meals. In the nanny compliance department, after years and years and years of correction and coaching, I still have to be more specific and repeat about basic nutrition to Noemi. They are served a vegetable, a protein, a starch, and usually a fruit with every meal. They don't have to eat it, but I do want them to get used to what it looks like to have well balanced meals.
Over the last year, year and a half, I have exercised the least ever in my life. I can feel the difference. Exercise improves how I feel. It doesn't significantly affect my size or weight. As I have stated many times, I miss most my early morning hikes from my pre-kid days. But, I wouldn't trade these days for those. Having the kids are worth it. I believe it is hard for most moms of young kids to get regular exercise. These days and this time is already going fast enough. I'm not going to wish it away. I'm just going to do the best I can.
I've thought and felt and discussed for awhile that for me and those in my family, that there is a big genetic component and there is a tie to hormones. My mom was never successful in loosing weight until the last 5 years or so as she aged. I eat now pretty much the same as I did when I was pregnant, after birth, during breastfeeding/pumping. Actually, I probably eat less and better now, yet struggle more. I have felt unheard by the medical profession and the doctors who causually mention the "weight". Actually, I tune it out at this point. I would like to trade bodies with them for a day, a week, a month and then have them dish out the same assvice.
I'm fed up with the assvice. I've come to love me for who I am no matter what size I am or what other people think about me and the size I am or am not.
All that to say, after a comment today on a random on my randoms post the other day, I found and watched the rest of that PBS obesity show I fell asleep to the other night. I saw/heard chapters 6 and 7. They were worth watching again. I watched the entire show tonight via the web, link below. I have to say. ... Finally, I feel heard. Finally, other people saying what I have felt and said. Finally, other people feeling like I feel. There is a line towards the end that says something like we need to get past blaming the individual and getting past our fat phobias and let the scientists research and come up with answers. It is a complex issue that if it were easy to solve would be solved already. AMEN! AMEN!
Another comment from the show that resonated was that health care professionals need to eat a bit of humble pie and try to better understand the issues and their complexities rather than just assuming the patient is a dumb, lazy asshole would would rather die than improve their lifestyle. Okay, so the humble pie part was there, I extrapolated a bit on the patient assumptions. I think all doctors and health care professionals should be mandated to watch this and do some targeted reading/study as part of their on-going learning/resertification. And, to Dr. B and other fat phoepic jerks with their high horse superiourity, up yours. Open your mind. Treat your patient, not your ego or your misguided opinions.
I want to live in a society that respects all people regardless of their color, religion (or lack there of), or their size. I want Max to understand what people mean by fat and skinny, but most importantly, I want him and the twins to grow up to realize that each and everyone of us are different. Short and tall. Black or white or brown. As they grow, I don't want them to be embarrassed by my size or just my size. I'm sure I will give plenty of other ammunition. I can't control any of that really. I can guide. I can coach. Most importantly, I can be happy with who I am. All of me. After all, at this point, there is just more of me to love. Don't get me wrong. I'd be happy with a little less. But, I don't have time (3 - 5 hours/day) to do the needed exercise or do more than what I am currently doing. I'm doing the best I can. I do better and more than most (and not as good and less that others).
I am who I am. I'm fat. I'm not proud of it. I don't mean to advocate that it is healthier or a desired state. I'm saying that people are dealt the cards they are dealt and given the choice, people need to be happy with the skin their in.
I am who I am. I'm fat. It is a part of who I am. It is not who I am.
Skinny people of the world who dare to judge others for not being as skinny as themselves or the "ideal". Fuck off. Don't even try to offer assvice on something you have no understanding and no first hand knowledge. When life is so much harder, do you think we would choose to live fat if their were reasonably and successful alternatives? Oh, right, we just need to have more self worth, end our addiction and emotional bond to food, excerize more, eat less and make better choices. If it were only so easy, it would be done.
PBS - FAT: What no one is telling you
* We use the word comfortable a lot around here. For example, when cuddling or hugging..."you're so comfortable" or "this is so comfortable" or "this is nice and comfortable". Or, are those pants, shoes, underwear too tight or comfortable.
It made me a tad sad, because who wants to be thought about as fat. I've spent a lot of years coming to terms with my weight and who I am. I'm more sad about the prejudice and judgments...unfairly and incorrectly in my not so humble opinion...towards fat people. I'm tired of people assuming that fat people are lazy, eat poorly, don't exercise, etc. and so forth.
I'm not lazy. I'm not as productive and efficient as I was pre-kids, but I challenge anyone to do and accomplish what I typically do in any one given day.
By and large, I don't eat poorly. I'm not perfect, but I eat better and more balanced than at least 75% of everyone I know. I rarely eat fast food. I cook relatively healthy well balanced meals...not every night, but the majority. Those nights I don't "cook" I still serve well balanced meals. In the nanny compliance department, after years and years and years of correction and coaching, I still have to be more specific and repeat about basic nutrition to Noemi. They are served a vegetable, a protein, a starch, and usually a fruit with every meal. They don't have to eat it, but I do want them to get used to what it looks like to have well balanced meals.
Over the last year, year and a half, I have exercised the least ever in my life. I can feel the difference. Exercise improves how I feel. It doesn't significantly affect my size or weight. As I have stated many times, I miss most my early morning hikes from my pre-kid days. But, I wouldn't trade these days for those. Having the kids are worth it. I believe it is hard for most moms of young kids to get regular exercise. These days and this time is already going fast enough. I'm not going to wish it away. I'm just going to do the best I can.
I've thought and felt and discussed for awhile that for me and those in my family, that there is a big genetic component and there is a tie to hormones. My mom was never successful in loosing weight until the last 5 years or so as she aged. I eat now pretty much the same as I did when I was pregnant, after birth, during breastfeeding/pumping. Actually, I probably eat less and better now, yet struggle more. I have felt unheard by the medical profession and the doctors who causually mention the "weight". Actually, I tune it out at this point. I would like to trade bodies with them for a day, a week, a month and then have them dish out the same assvice.
I'm fed up with the assvice. I've come to love me for who I am no matter what size I am or what other people think about me and the size I am or am not.
All that to say, after a comment today on a random on my randoms post the other day, I found and watched the rest of that PBS obesity show I fell asleep to the other night. I saw/heard chapters 6 and 7. They were worth watching again. I watched the entire show tonight via the web, link below. I have to say. ... Finally, I feel heard. Finally, other people saying what I have felt and said. Finally, other people feeling like I feel. There is a line towards the end that says something like we need to get past blaming the individual and getting past our fat phobias and let the scientists research and come up with answers. It is a complex issue that if it were easy to solve would be solved already. AMEN! AMEN!
Another comment from the show that resonated was that health care professionals need to eat a bit of humble pie and try to better understand the issues and their complexities rather than just assuming the patient is a dumb, lazy asshole would would rather die than improve their lifestyle. Okay, so the humble pie part was there, I extrapolated a bit on the patient assumptions. I think all doctors and health care professionals should be mandated to watch this and do some targeted reading/study as part of their on-going learning/resertification. And, to Dr. B and other fat phoepic jerks with their high horse superiourity, up yours. Open your mind. Treat your patient, not your ego or your misguided opinions.
I want to live in a society that respects all people regardless of their color, religion (or lack there of), or their size. I want Max to understand what people mean by fat and skinny, but most importantly, I want him and the twins to grow up to realize that each and everyone of us are different. Short and tall. Black or white or brown. As they grow, I don't want them to be embarrassed by my size or just my size. I'm sure I will give plenty of other ammunition. I can't control any of that really. I can guide. I can coach. Most importantly, I can be happy with who I am. All of me. After all, at this point, there is just more of me to love. Don't get me wrong. I'd be happy with a little less. But, I don't have time (3 - 5 hours/day) to do the needed exercise or do more than what I am currently doing. I'm doing the best I can. I do better and more than most (and not as good and less that others).
I am who I am. I'm fat. I'm not proud of it. I don't mean to advocate that it is healthier or a desired state. I'm saying that people are dealt the cards they are dealt and given the choice, people need to be happy with the skin their in.
I am who I am. I'm fat. It is a part of who I am. It is not who I am.
Skinny people of the world who dare to judge others for not being as skinny as themselves or the "ideal". Fuck off. Don't even try to offer assvice on something you have no understanding and no first hand knowledge. When life is so much harder, do you think we would choose to live fat if their were reasonably and successful alternatives? Oh, right, we just need to have more self worth, end our addiction and emotional bond to food, excerize more, eat less and make better choices. If it were only so easy, it would be done.
PBS - FAT: What no one is telling you
* We use the word comfortable a lot around here. For example, when cuddling or hugging..."you're so comfortable" or "this is so comfortable" or "this is nice and comfortable". Or, are those pants, shoes, underwear too tight or comfortable.
Monday, October 05, 2009
Action this weekend
Crane your neck if interested, as apparently, I had the camera sideways. N, not being bothered. R, walking. Max giving R a ride. And, if you listen really close, R with his cute...."bye"...finally. Then, R running over his sister and Max wanting my slippers and smelling "diet coke". The day before it was mint. The day after he was home with a fever.
Randoms
I wish I could find the remote control for the TV. It's been missing since Saturday. I've looked everywhere. Noemi looked today. I looked N straight in the eye and asked her. She smiled at me and held out her hand for me to hold. I asked R and he toddled off and came back with the grey DVD/VCR remote. I thanked him and asked him if now he would find the black TV one. He shrugged and walked off. I called my mom who lives 30 minutes away, but who was here Saturday and actually the last to use/touch/see the remote thinking maybe it got put in one of her bags. I've said a quick ditty to St. Christoper, patron saint of lost articles.
Max was home sick today. Fever. He layed in my bed all morning watching TV. Then, perked up good as new for the afternoon. He reminded me of the time last year when he had the fever and the mud movers (can you say hallusinations?) came and if I remembered it. I assured him I did, but was surprised he remembered. That kid has a memory on him.
Max's favorite expressing is "poop on your butt". He wrote (I scribed) and illustrated a book on poo and another on pee the other weekend. Very interesting and crazy stuff in that book. He's so proud of it that we took it in to show his teachers (who both read it and showed interest and laughed at the appropriate times). He's asked me to read it to him and his brother and sister many times.
Max has decided that he is only going to say potty words on preschool days and has pretty much stuck to that. Today, although he didn't go was a preschool day so he was going to use them. Yes, he does use them at preschool, but not when the teachers are around the hear him...he says with a smile.
R. What can I say about R? He has things rough trying to keep up and catch up and get the attention of his older brother while at the same time making sure his sister isn't playing with some toy he wants right at that moment. He's (another) smart one. Last weekend, we were out back and Max was riding a bike around the "track" around the pool and R was pushing a push toy and chasing him. After a few times of that, he realized he couldn't keep up...and at first I thought maybe it was coincidental, but watched and realized that no, it was calculated...so he would wait near the narrow part of the track. When he would see Max coming he'd start running, cut Max off, and turn and laugh and run in front of him to be chased. This weekend, he changed that game to just sitting down in the middle of the path so Max has to stop. That's just an example. He is a mischievous imp he is.
N. What can I say about N? She's been practicing her climbing and is so proud of herself. Her face just lights up with her smile and joy. She gives me long suffering looks when her brothers take away or push her off whatever toy she has that looks interesting. I've thought about and even interviewed once or twice, but after all the drama, she doesn't want it anymore. She just wants to get out of the path of the crazies to reduce the chance of getting hurt at their expense.
I also can't find the calendar. The one that hangs on the wall with appointments on it. Which is why I forgot the twins had a high risk follow up at the NICU this afternoon which I couldn't have made anyway due to Max's illness. It is also why I forgot that Noemi has a doctors appointment tomorrow morning and I have two very important meetings schedule. One I'm leading and one I'm going to attempt to listen to on mute while simultaneously feeding 3 kids and getting one off t o school. The other I'm going to pray the nap gods are with me and the twins actually sleep when and how they normally do.
Several more things are broken around here. I can't remember them all. One is the outside fridge where I store the extra gallons of milk to prevent so many trips to the store. Since the sink, nothing has been fixed. However, the sink is still not leaking again. I can't even tell you how happy that makes me. It has been such a problem.
A blog I read pointed to a horoscope type thing which indicates that while things have been tight financially, they should start easing up. Oh, please. Pretty please. Maybe someone will want to publish my children's book. Not the poo and pee one. The balloon one. It is quite good if I do say so myself.
I was watching/listening to this really interesting program last night on this PBS channel I didn't know that I had. It was about a second "brain" /processing center in your gut and how gastric bypass has been so successful, not because of the bypass, but because the nerves in the gut processing center have been cut through. It talked about things I have mentioned to so many doc's for myself about how it seems to be hormonal for me and tied to some IBS when not pregnant or lactating. Unfortunately, I fell asleep during it so now must search it out at some point in the future and see if I can record it...if and when I ever find my remote.
Max was home sick today. Fever. He layed in my bed all morning watching TV. Then, perked up good as new for the afternoon. He reminded me of the time last year when he had the fever and the mud movers (can you say hallusinations?) came and if I remembered it. I assured him I did, but was surprised he remembered. That kid has a memory on him.
Max's favorite expressing is "poop on your butt". He wrote (I scribed) and illustrated a book on poo and another on pee the other weekend. Very interesting and crazy stuff in that book. He's so proud of it that we took it in to show his teachers (who both read it and showed interest and laughed at the appropriate times). He's asked me to read it to him and his brother and sister many times.
Max has decided that he is only going to say potty words on preschool days and has pretty much stuck to that. Today, although he didn't go was a preschool day so he was going to use them. Yes, he does use them at preschool, but not when the teachers are around the hear him...he says with a smile.
R. What can I say about R? He has things rough trying to keep up and catch up and get the attention of his older brother while at the same time making sure his sister isn't playing with some toy he wants right at that moment. He's (another) smart one. Last weekend, we were out back and Max was riding a bike around the "track" around the pool and R was pushing a push toy and chasing him. After a few times of that, he realized he couldn't keep up...and at first I thought maybe it was coincidental, but watched and realized that no, it was calculated...so he would wait near the narrow part of the track. When he would see Max coming he'd start running, cut Max off, and turn and laugh and run in front of him to be chased. This weekend, he changed that game to just sitting down in the middle of the path so Max has to stop. That's just an example. He is a mischievous imp he is.
N. What can I say about N? She's been practicing her climbing and is so proud of herself. Her face just lights up with her smile and joy. She gives me long suffering looks when her brothers take away or push her off whatever toy she has that looks interesting. I've thought about and even interviewed once or twice, but after all the drama, she doesn't want it anymore. She just wants to get out of the path of the crazies to reduce the chance of getting hurt at their expense.
I also can't find the calendar. The one that hangs on the wall with appointments on it. Which is why I forgot the twins had a high risk follow up at the NICU this afternoon which I couldn't have made anyway due to Max's illness. It is also why I forgot that Noemi has a doctors appointment tomorrow morning and I have two very important meetings schedule. One I'm leading and one I'm going to attempt to listen to on mute while simultaneously feeding 3 kids and getting one off t o school. The other I'm going to pray the nap gods are with me and the twins actually sleep when and how they normally do.
Several more things are broken around here. I can't remember them all. One is the outside fridge where I store the extra gallons of milk to prevent so many trips to the store. Since the sink, nothing has been fixed. However, the sink is still not leaking again. I can't even tell you how happy that makes me. It has been such a problem.
A blog I read pointed to a horoscope type thing which indicates that while things have been tight financially, they should start easing up. Oh, please. Pretty please. Maybe someone will want to publish my children's book. Not the poo and pee one. The balloon one. It is quite good if I do say so myself.
I was watching/listening to this really interesting program last night on this PBS channel I didn't know that I had. It was about a second "brain" /processing center in your gut and how gastric bypass has been so successful, not because of the bypass, but because the nerves in the gut processing center have been cut through. It talked about things I have mentioned to so many doc's for myself about how it seems to be hormonal for me and tied to some IBS when not pregnant or lactating. Unfortunately, I fell asleep during it so now must search it out at some point in the future and see if I can record it...if and when I ever find my remote.
Friday, October 02, 2009
Hurt me so good
I decided yesterday morning that something, anything needed to be done. I've been slowly working back in things for me like a well woman, a physical, taking time to read a library book after the kids are down and to get me off the computer. But, I could hardly stand how I've been feeling, how blah I've been. How helpless to make a change or try to take on one more thing or put on one more ounce of pressure.
One of the things I've missed most about being a parent is my morning hikes with the dogs. I was actually able to keep this up for most of Max's first year before Lucky died and Shadow just didn't want to do it anymore without her friend. But, no way no how do I have the time for that right now. From the time I get up until I put the kids to bed, life is a sprint. Instead of leaving the house at 6:30 am to hike, I'm sitting down to work. Three nights a week I have a meeting that starts at 7:30 pm that lasts from 30 - 90 minutes and the nanny leaves at 5. On the nights I'm not working, I'm housebound and just too tired to make myself/motivate myself/even think about doing a home work out.
I went through my entire day evaluating for any time that I could carve out even a short amount of time for a walk around the neighborhood and from there my mind jumped to maybe walking even once around this park near Max's preschool that I used to go to with the dogs after I dropped of Max. It is a big park with a .6 mile walking path around with slight hills. I met several of my closest friends at that park pre-kids. My heart misses the nature. My body misses the endorphins.
I decided that maybe a few days a week I could take a detour for a power walk before home. No way could I do it every day as I can barely get Max to school between meetings. But, some days, maybe I could. Even if it is just one or two laps. And, I did it. Two days in a row. Not much. Just two laps around 30 minutes. Ran into an old acquaintance that i hadn't seen since before i was pregnant with the twins this morning. I so didn't feel like going today as that "not much" yesterday had me huffing and puffing and stiff and sore, but I turned left to the park instead of right home and just did it. Giving myself permission to do just one leisurely lap instead of two high powered ones if I just went knowing if I just went I'd go for it. And, I did.
Sadly, I am stiff enough after 2 days that I can barely walk tonight. But, I'm glad I've start it. I'm glad I've made the commitment to do what I can when I can and let the rest go. I haven't looked at all of next week, but think on average that I can probably at least work in 30 minutes 3 times a week which is better than nothing and oh so good for my soul. I can't commit to every day. I can't commit a longer time as I'm robbing peter to pay paul time wise to make it happen rationalizing that I will be a better more focused employee and a healthier happier mom.
I had thought I'd have to wait until the kids were older. I so miss having a dog, especially these last few days, but I'm still going to hold off as hard as it is for me to motivate myself to walk just for me instead of "the dogs". The time is still not right for a new k9 friend.
It's not much, but it's huge. It feels huge and it feels good....even if I can barely walk upon first standing at the moment.
One of the things I've missed most about being a parent is my morning hikes with the dogs. I was actually able to keep this up for most of Max's first year before Lucky died and Shadow just didn't want to do it anymore without her friend. But, no way no how do I have the time for that right now. From the time I get up until I put the kids to bed, life is a sprint. Instead of leaving the house at 6:30 am to hike, I'm sitting down to work. Three nights a week I have a meeting that starts at 7:30 pm that lasts from 30 - 90 minutes and the nanny leaves at 5. On the nights I'm not working, I'm housebound and just too tired to make myself/motivate myself/even think about doing a home work out.
I went through my entire day evaluating for any time that I could carve out even a short amount of time for a walk around the neighborhood and from there my mind jumped to maybe walking even once around this park near Max's preschool that I used to go to with the dogs after I dropped of Max. It is a big park with a .6 mile walking path around with slight hills. I met several of my closest friends at that park pre-kids. My heart misses the nature. My body misses the endorphins.
I decided that maybe a few days a week I could take a detour for a power walk before home. No way could I do it every day as I can barely get Max to school between meetings. But, some days, maybe I could. Even if it is just one or two laps. And, I did it. Two days in a row. Not much. Just two laps around 30 minutes. Ran into an old acquaintance that i hadn't seen since before i was pregnant with the twins this morning. I so didn't feel like going today as that "not much" yesterday had me huffing and puffing and stiff and sore, but I turned left to the park instead of right home and just did it. Giving myself permission to do just one leisurely lap instead of two high powered ones if I just went knowing if I just went I'd go for it. And, I did.
Sadly, I am stiff enough after 2 days that I can barely walk tonight. But, I'm glad I've start it. I'm glad I've made the commitment to do what I can when I can and let the rest go. I haven't looked at all of next week, but think on average that I can probably at least work in 30 minutes 3 times a week which is better than nothing and oh so good for my soul. I can't commit to every day. I can't commit a longer time as I'm robbing peter to pay paul time wise to make it happen rationalizing that I will be a better more focused employee and a healthier happier mom.
I had thought I'd have to wait until the kids were older. I so miss having a dog, especially these last few days, but I'm still going to hold off as hard as it is for me to motivate myself to walk just for me instead of "the dogs". The time is still not right for a new k9 friend.
It's not much, but it's huge. It feels huge and it feels good....even if I can barely walk upon first standing at the moment.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Wondering, Thinking, and Being Annoyed
I've been wondering if I'm mildly depressed. I'm just so tired and just don't have the energy for anything extra. Then, I remind myself of my schedule and that I have valid reasons for being tired and not having energy.
I've been thinking about the fact that one of my children is annoying me and getting on my last nerve. Interestingly enough, it is my second child, my second born son, the middle one by two whole minutes and I've always heard and read and observed that the child in the same birth order as you is the one that tends to be the most like you and triggers more of a reaction. It's nothing major, just a lot of whining, being competitive and pushy with his siblings. He's a screamer and will throw a tantrum just because ...although he didn't want the swing until you put his sister in it, he does now that she's swinging. He's an instigator. He can get both Max and N going, just because. It is not just me that notices this...the early intervention specialist and the PT have as well and we've discussed it.
I've been thinking about how having twins, at least for me, is very different in how I handle things...especially sleep disturbances and crying in the night. My twins seem to be able to sleep through their sib screaming, but if I walk in the room...they are both up and wanting attention and to be soothed, especially more recently as they get more competitive with each other.
I've been finding our family time on the weekends both more enjoyable, easier, much needed and isolating. I'm not getting the joy and social aspects that I have in the past through work, which is a whole other depressing story. And, although it is easier to pick up the kids and go run an errand or quick trip to the store if needed, we haven't even made it to church recently because it is just too hard solo because I can't contain them the entire time and with a 3:1 ratio it is just too crazy even in a contained "cry" room space. I've been reminding myself that this part is just a phase and to enjoy the time and stage and next year it will be easier. Then, I hope and pray that I'm not deluding myself and that next year it does in fact get easier. I can't wait to be able to get up and go more.
I've been finding things, in general annoying, and coaching myself to just let it go. Things like my resentment at my neighbors for throwing a party a few weekends ago with a live band that caused me to get no sleep that night. Things like the fact that someone couldn't follow the rules when our street was being resurfaced, and while a pain and even though barricaded couldn't just wait, drove on it anyway so that instead of a nice new surface you see tire marks ruining it. Every day, I've been getting annoyed. Every day, I tell myself to let it go. Let it go. I continue to find it annoying at the number of people who can not drive in their own lane as I take Max to and fro school on a mildly curvy road and that try to side swipe me on a regular basis.
While I am overall happy with our nanny and trust her and so happy I have not had to worry about some of the situations I have heard others, I find her annoying as well. After 4 years, you'd think I'd learn to live with the fact that she is not capable of organizing toys or putting the dishes away so that you can open and close the drawers/cupboards or zipping up a zippy so the cereal/crackers/whatever don't go stale. Now, especially with the OT and the PT being on vacation for two weeks at the same time and she is taking the kids to the park and out a bit more, that SHE NEEDS TO BE BACK IN TIME FOR THEM TO PROPERLY NAP and getting back at 1:05 or 1:10 when they go down at 1 is not acceptable because they still need fresh diapers and bottle (or rather sippy cup because we are done with bottles as of a few weekends ago) and they don't have time to unwind and you miss "the window" and then they don't nap. Fine for her, but then I need to hear them fuss in their crib while I try to work in the afternoon while she sits at the table and takes a much needed rest/lunch break. Then, she leaves and I'm left with tired crabby kids on my own who don't sleep well that night and I get less time because I have to put them to bed even earlier and the time I do get is crap because they are too tired to function. We have had this problem on and off since Max was little and she just doesn't get it. And, the truth is, at this point, I don't care if she gets it or not, she just needs to comply. I'll be happy when I don't need the help anymore.
Not only do I feel like my life is in a bit of a rut right now, I've felt like our dinners and what we eat have been so as well so I've gathered up a few recipes and been trying to do a better job of variety. Last night was Baked Ziti. Earlier in the week we had Tater Tot casserole and this chicken broccoli roll dish. I have a few more new ones to work in. I'm not taking it personal that Max is basically not eating dinner right now as the twins and I are enjoying the new tastes and changes.
All and all, I've just been saving my happy and time and energy for the kids and feeling down about work and lonely and sad I'm so out of touch with pretty much all of my friends right now because I just don't have it in my to be a friend right now and hoping and knowing that they are just as caught up in their own lives right now as well.
I've been thinking about the fact that one of my children is annoying me and getting on my last nerve. Interestingly enough, it is my second child, my second born son, the middle one by two whole minutes and I've always heard and read and observed that the child in the same birth order as you is the one that tends to be the most like you and triggers more of a reaction. It's nothing major, just a lot of whining, being competitive and pushy with his siblings. He's a screamer and will throw a tantrum just because ...although he didn't want the swing until you put his sister in it, he does now that she's swinging. He's an instigator. He can get both Max and N going, just because. It is not just me that notices this...the early intervention specialist and the PT have as well and we've discussed it.
I've been thinking about how having twins, at least for me, is very different in how I handle things...especially sleep disturbances and crying in the night. My twins seem to be able to sleep through their sib screaming, but if I walk in the room...they are both up and wanting attention and to be soothed, especially more recently as they get more competitive with each other.
I've been finding our family time on the weekends both more enjoyable, easier, much needed and isolating. I'm not getting the joy and social aspects that I have in the past through work, which is a whole other depressing story. And, although it is easier to pick up the kids and go run an errand or quick trip to the store if needed, we haven't even made it to church recently because it is just too hard solo because I can't contain them the entire time and with a 3:1 ratio it is just too crazy even in a contained "cry" room space. I've been reminding myself that this part is just a phase and to enjoy the time and stage and next year it will be easier. Then, I hope and pray that I'm not deluding myself and that next year it does in fact get easier. I can't wait to be able to get up and go more.
I've been finding things, in general annoying, and coaching myself to just let it go. Things like my resentment at my neighbors for throwing a party a few weekends ago with a live band that caused me to get no sleep that night. Things like the fact that someone couldn't follow the rules when our street was being resurfaced, and while a pain and even though barricaded couldn't just wait, drove on it anyway so that instead of a nice new surface you see tire marks ruining it. Every day, I've been getting annoyed. Every day, I tell myself to let it go. Let it go. I continue to find it annoying at the number of people who can not drive in their own lane as I take Max to and fro school on a mildly curvy road and that try to side swipe me on a regular basis.
While I am overall happy with our nanny and trust her and so happy I have not had to worry about some of the situations I have heard others, I find her annoying as well. After 4 years, you'd think I'd learn to live with the fact that she is not capable of organizing toys or putting the dishes away so that you can open and close the drawers/cupboards or zipping up a zippy so the cereal/crackers/whatever don't go stale. Now, especially with the OT and the PT being on vacation for two weeks at the same time and she is taking the kids to the park and out a bit more, that SHE NEEDS TO BE BACK IN TIME FOR THEM TO PROPERLY NAP and getting back at 1:05 or 1:10 when they go down at 1 is not acceptable because they still need fresh diapers and bottle (or rather sippy cup because we are done with bottles as of a few weekends ago) and they don't have time to unwind and you miss "the window" and then they don't nap. Fine for her, but then I need to hear them fuss in their crib while I try to work in the afternoon while she sits at the table and takes a much needed rest/lunch break. Then, she leaves and I'm left with tired crabby kids on my own who don't sleep well that night and I get less time because I have to put them to bed even earlier and the time I do get is crap because they are too tired to function. We have had this problem on and off since Max was little and she just doesn't get it. And, the truth is, at this point, I don't care if she gets it or not, she just needs to comply. I'll be happy when I don't need the help anymore.
Not only do I feel like my life is in a bit of a rut right now, I've felt like our dinners and what we eat have been so as well so I've gathered up a few recipes and been trying to do a better job of variety. Last night was Baked Ziti. Earlier in the week we had Tater Tot casserole and this chicken broccoli roll dish. I have a few more new ones to work in. I'm not taking it personal that Max is basically not eating dinner right now as the twins and I are enjoying the new tastes and changes.
All and all, I've just been saving my happy and time and energy for the kids and feeling down about work and lonely and sad I'm so out of touch with pretty much all of my friends right now because I just don't have it in my to be a friend right now and hoping and knowing that they are just as caught up in their own lives right now as well.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
15.5 month stats
Had the twins in earlier in the week for routine well baby. They got shots. They were not amused. Max came and got the sniff flu, which he was pleased with. Things are fine, but busy. My energy level is low.
R
Wt 20 lbs 15 oz, 6% --> 20% corrected
Ht 30 1/2, 25% --> 50% corrected
HC 18 3/8, 27%
N
wt 20 lbs 6 oz, 10% --> 25% corrected
Ht 29 3/4, 25% --> 50 corrected
Hc 17 5/8 --> 13%
R is walking. N is climbing.
Max is extremely impressed that R is walking and bragging to who will listen. They are actually starting to play nicely together for periods of time.
R
Wt 20 lbs 15 oz, 6% --> 20% corrected
Ht 30 1/2, 25% --> 50% corrected
HC 18 3/8, 27%
N
wt 20 lbs 6 oz, 10% --> 25% corrected
Ht 29 3/4, 25% --> 50 corrected
Hc 17 5/8 --> 13%
R is walking. N is climbing.
Max is extremely impressed that R is walking and bragging to who will listen. They are actually starting to play nicely together for periods of time.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Just me?
Is it just me who has kids/babies such that when you try to change their diaper react like they are in a torture chamber and scream and contort themselves in such a way as one feels like they are wrestling a wet, slipper....ah...cat? beast? Egads, Max was this way, but now it is twice the fun. I actually shouted the other day at R to knock it off, it was just a diaper change. No, it wasn't effective.
Is it just me who spends the majority of each car trip with their 4 year old explaining the traffic rules, signs, and lines? Sample Questions: What does that sign with the 9 and 7 say? What is the 53? What are the yellow lines? So, if there are two and bigger you can go into it and one with dashes you can't? Those ones go onto the freeway? Why did you do that? Can you turn on red here? Can you turn on red here? How come we aren't turning right? Sample responses: That says, no parking between 7 and 9 am. That is the speed limit. It is 35 here and you're not supposed to go faster than that? The yellow line is always to the left. If it is a double yellow line, you can't cross it. If it is one solid yellow line and one dashed, you can go there if if you need to turn. A white line is a lane marker that you need to stay between to keep the cars from bonking. Yes, those lanes go onto the freeway. No, we are going to school not the freeway right now. Why did I do what? Yes, you can turn on red here. Yes, you can turn on red here. No, not here. We need to go straight not turn right now.
Is it just me where things seem to be breaking around the house in alarming speed, much more quickly than time and money allows to be fixed. Sample: Garage door, vacuum, ottoman, kitchen sink (was finally fixed...again). I'm sure there is more, but I've shut off the mental list to reduce stress.
Is it just me that seems to be working long crazy hours and finding a hard time balancing things, but making extra special effort to carve out time for the kids. We are continuing the practice of me doing a project a month in Max's classroom. Today, we are blowing up balloons. We have a heluim tank and wrote and illustrated a book on why balloons float and filled some balloons with rice and sand and flour and beans and water. We are both very excited.
Is it just me that just can't seem to cover all the bills these days?
Overall, life is good. Just trying to enjoy it and keep my head above water and deal with what I can and not stress out about the rest.
Is it just me who has kids/babies such that when you try to change their diaper react like they are in a torture chamber and scream and contort themselves in such a way as one feels like they are wrestling a wet, slipper....ah...cat? beast? Egads, Max was this way, but now it is twice the fun. I actually shouted the other day at R to knock it off, it was just a diaper change. No, it wasn't effective.
Is it just me who spends the majority of each car trip with their 4 year old explaining the traffic rules, signs, and lines? Sample Questions: What does that sign with the 9 and 7 say? What is the 53? What are the yellow lines? So, if there are two and bigger you can go into it and one with dashes you can't? Those ones go onto the freeway? Why did you do that? Can you turn on red here? Can you turn on red here? How come we aren't turning right? Sample responses: That says, no parking between 7 and 9 am. That is the speed limit. It is 35 here and you're not supposed to go faster than that? The yellow line is always to the left. If it is a double yellow line, you can't cross it. If it is one solid yellow line and one dashed, you can go there if if you need to turn. A white line is a lane marker that you need to stay between to keep the cars from bonking. Yes, those lanes go onto the freeway. No, we are going to school not the freeway right now. Why did I do what? Yes, you can turn on red here. Yes, you can turn on red here. No, not here. We need to go straight not turn right now.
Is it just me where things seem to be breaking around the house in alarming speed, much more quickly than time and money allows to be fixed. Sample: Garage door, vacuum, ottoman, kitchen sink (was finally fixed...again). I'm sure there is more, but I've shut off the mental list to reduce stress.
Is it just me that seems to be working long crazy hours and finding a hard time balancing things, but making extra special effort to carve out time for the kids. We are continuing the practice of me doing a project a month in Max's classroom. Today, we are blowing up balloons. We have a heluim tank and wrote and illustrated a book on why balloons float and filled some balloons with rice and sand and flour and beans and water. We are both very excited.
Is it just me that just can't seem to cover all the bills these days?
Overall, life is good. Just trying to enjoy it and keep my head above water and deal with what I can and not stress out about the rest.
Saturday, September 05, 2009
Conflicted
I sit here thinking that if money wasn't an issue and I could stay home and still have a bit of help, I'd do it again. I'd have another child or two. If things were different and I had a full time helpful partner, I'd add to the caos and crazies. While also knowing, I'm done. I have all I can handle and some days I'm stretched more on that than others. I'm sitting here with cramps with the period I knew was coming with such mixed feelings. I'm so so so happy and blessed to be on the other side of the fertility journey. I know with every fiber of my being that I have the family I was meant to have. I know that I'm where I need to be in life right now. The two embryos I had on ice are discarded and I'm okay with that although I will probably always wonder if they were really as bad quality and what would have happened if I was brave or crazy enough to transfer them back. I would have liked to know. The circles I went round and round in my mind about them...just transfer them back instead of discard, they won't take and you'll be done and know....but, what if they do. And, I just couldn't transfer them to anyone else legally as well as emotionally. Anyone who would want them would would have traveled to long and hard a road to get there and have another cycle fail. I just couldn't do that to someone. But, what if it worked, then they could be blessed like I have been. More circular thinking.
I've also been pondering these last few weeks about mommy isolation. I've heard talk of it, but really haven't experienced until lately. It was never really an issue when Max was small. We were out and about. And, even though I work from home, I have/had a lot of work friends I was in contact with on a regular basis. People I trusted and cared about and people who trusted me and cared about me. That's all changed and at a time where I can't really go out solo with all three just yet. And, I just don't have the time, energy, or money to be getting a sitter or hiring a mommies helper. So, I just try to enjoy the time I have with the kids and remind myself that this is just a phase. Soon enough they will be starting preschool and the crazies will be different.
They just amaze me. They are just something else. I love them and the stage they are in and watching them literally take their first steps in life and I'm in awe. While at the same time, wishing I had just a bit of time for me. I miss my morning hikes. I miss having a dog or two in my family. I miss having time and energy to talk and see my friends and actually to be a friend.
I sure can't say that life is perfect right now. It isn't even close. I can't say I wouldn't change a thing. Cause I would. But, I wouldn't change the important things.
Just life I guess. Not always clean or pretty or how we want it. It could be better. It could be worse. And, now that the bleeding has actually started, I'll start sleeping again. I'm seeing my OB this week for my annual (overdue) well woman. I'll be asking for BCP's to take me through and into menopause. One thing all the fertility treatments has done as enabled me to recognize is how my body reacts to the female hormones. That edgey, anxiety ridden, tense, tired, but can't sleep insomniac that always comes in the follecular stage where in theory my body produces an egg that could become a child. My body just doesn't do well with estrogen and follicle stimulating hormones. I haven't missed them. Made me almost wish I was still lactating. I'm not thrilled with the bleeding and cramps. I'm looking for the progesterone side of the cycle. I don't need the E2 of FSH. My ovaries are crap anyway. I'm done. I'm on the other side. Thank God!
I've also been pondering these last few weeks about mommy isolation. I've heard talk of it, but really haven't experienced until lately. It was never really an issue when Max was small. We were out and about. And, even though I work from home, I have/had a lot of work friends I was in contact with on a regular basis. People I trusted and cared about and people who trusted me and cared about me. That's all changed and at a time where I can't really go out solo with all three just yet. And, I just don't have the time, energy, or money to be getting a sitter or hiring a mommies helper. So, I just try to enjoy the time I have with the kids and remind myself that this is just a phase. Soon enough they will be starting preschool and the crazies will be different.
They just amaze me. They are just something else. I love them and the stage they are in and watching them literally take their first steps in life and I'm in awe. While at the same time, wishing I had just a bit of time for me. I miss my morning hikes. I miss having a dog or two in my family. I miss having time and energy to talk and see my friends and actually to be a friend.
I sure can't say that life is perfect right now. It isn't even close. I can't say I wouldn't change a thing. Cause I would. But, I wouldn't change the important things.
Just life I guess. Not always clean or pretty or how we want it. It could be better. It could be worse. And, now that the bleeding has actually started, I'll start sleeping again. I'm seeing my OB this week for my annual (overdue) well woman. I'll be asking for BCP's to take me through and into menopause. One thing all the fertility treatments has done as enabled me to recognize is how my body reacts to the female hormones. That edgey, anxiety ridden, tense, tired, but can't sleep insomniac that always comes in the follecular stage where in theory my body produces an egg that could become a child. My body just doesn't do well with estrogen and follicle stimulating hormones. I haven't missed them. Made me almost wish I was still lactating. I'm not thrilled with the bleeding and cramps. I'm looking for the progesterone side of the cycle. I don't need the E2 of FSH. My ovaries are crap anyway. I'm done. I'm on the other side. Thank God!
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Another day another dollar
Things always look brighter after a good night sleep....wait, I had a crap night sleep where little sleep was had and not restful....so, let's just say that things always look better during the light of a new day. Work still basically sucks, but I emailed an old team member who was let go to complain and called my old boss to chat and catch up. My mom is going to stay the weekend and we are going to take the kids to my sisters on Sunday so I will have help and plans. I'm sure there is more, but I'm fried. I also suspect that I'm having a hormone shift with too much estrogen and that a bleed may be headed my way. The trouble sleeping I've been having lately (hated stims for that reason), the acne, and greasy hair over the last few days causing me to hair wash every day instead of a few times a week as I have been plus the glum mood and near tears turn to anger yesterday added with the yucky bloated achy feeling in the nether region that started tonight all seem to be headed in that direction. I'm self prescribing two Tylenol PM and heading to bed.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Blue
I'm feeling blue. As a color, it's one of my favorites. As an emotion or state of mind, I'm not too fond of it. Mostly, this is related to work, but as such, I can't really talk about it. And, all the people I would have talked about it in the past are long gone or too busy or both. This realization was triggered by an email I read that was neither bad nor good really but interesting in what it could or could not mean. In the past, I would have called up any handful of people to ponder, discuss, and theorize. Today, I realized none of those people were left. In another email, I read that we are only two thirds through with job cuts.
The project I'm working on is messed up and things aren't getting turned around fast enough and I'm working long hours. I've been fortunate that most of my career work has been fun and I've really enjoyed it. Now, more often than not it feels like work. How can I motivate others to increase their productivity when I'm not feeling very motivated or being very productive myself? Waa waa, cry me a river.
I'm keeping my eye out for a new job, but nothing really fits. There was only one that seemed like it was a great match and I've never heard back, probably paid too much/overqualified. The rest are not even close enough to make it worth my while to apply in this type of market while there are too many others looking for work with more energy, motivation, and time.
I guess I should be happy that I have a job that pays decent, if less than what it did in the past. Luckily, I have not been affected as severly as others (like my current boss, specifics unknown but implied significant) with the worst being a woman on my team whose husband is in the hospital that has been the sole family provider for years due to his disability and a daughter off to college getting hit with a 30% pay cut on top (I believe) of the across the board cuts. Too many people are working too hard/long (even if not productively and efficiently at the moment) to not be able to pay their bills, let alone the ones who don't have jobs.
Maybe I'll email or call my old boss who retired last year. We haven't talked in awhile.
The project I'm working on is messed up and things aren't getting turned around fast enough and I'm working long hours. I've been fortunate that most of my career work has been fun and I've really enjoyed it. Now, more often than not it feels like work. How can I motivate others to increase their productivity when I'm not feeling very motivated or being very productive myself? Waa waa, cry me a river.
I'm keeping my eye out for a new job, but nothing really fits. There was only one that seemed like it was a great match and I've never heard back, probably paid too much/overqualified. The rest are not even close enough to make it worth my while to apply in this type of market while there are too many others looking for work with more energy, motivation, and time.
I guess I should be happy that I have a job that pays decent, if less than what it did in the past. Luckily, I have not been affected as severly as others (like my current boss, specifics unknown but implied significant) with the worst being a woman on my team whose husband is in the hospital that has been the sole family provider for years due to his disability and a daughter off to college getting hit with a 30% pay cut on top (I believe) of the across the board cuts. Too many people are working too hard/long (even if not productively and efficiently at the moment) to not be able to pay their bills, let alone the ones who don't have jobs.
Maybe I'll email or call my old boss who retired last year. We haven't talked in awhile.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Brotherly Love and Big Boy Bikes
From this morning, Max feeding R. N was dumped on the carpet to feed herself while I fetched the camera. :)
Max riding his new big boy bike in long pants and long sleeve shirt two sizes too small in the middle of the hottest month of the year that he pulled out when he dressed himself.
R and N from a few weeks ago at Max's 4th Birthday Party.
Me reading to Max, as we do every night, on his Birthday after a busy day and a busy weekend.
Today, we have heat (around 105 - 107) and fires on the horizon (but thankfully air quality pretty good where I'm at but the clouds are quite impressive, and two pool parties (the first I took the twins and the second I didn't at the last minute because of the heat...neither place had a pool fence up). I'm so wiped I'm leaving the house a wreck (which is a noteworthy rare occurrence as I can't remember the last time I didn't rally so I didn't have to face it in the morning), including the unwashed high chair trays (my mom watched the twins for me and fed them dinner, but did zero clean up and the house was in way worse shape than when I left and it was pretty bad when I left). But, I'm tired and going to bed, I don't care that it isn't even 8 pm. It was a fun, busy, summer day and hauling kids and having fun can wipe a girl out. Plus, Max ended up in my bed last night fairly early which means that my sleep was broken and my back aches (since he leans into me and I end up sleep in strange positions to try to get comfortable/away from the heat he generates...moving away or changing sides does not because like a beacon he finds me).
Me, at the beach, after the zoo and train ride on Max's birthday. A picture where you can't see my wrinkles because of the glasses or the too padded middle. Just a snapshot in time, but I'll take it and pretend that I look this good all the time these days. :0
Max riding his new big boy bike in long pants and long sleeve shirt two sizes too small in the middle of the hottest month of the year that he pulled out when he dressed himself.
R and N from a few weeks ago at Max's 4th Birthday Party.
Me reading to Max, as we do every night, on his Birthday after a busy day and a busy weekend.
Today, we have heat (around 105 - 107) and fires on the horizon (but thankfully air quality pretty good where I'm at but the clouds are quite impressive, and two pool parties (the first I took the twins and the second I didn't at the last minute because of the heat...neither place had a pool fence up). I'm so wiped I'm leaving the house a wreck (which is a noteworthy rare occurrence as I can't remember the last time I didn't rally so I didn't have to face it in the morning), including the unwashed high chair trays (my mom watched the twins for me and fed them dinner, but did zero clean up and the house was in way worse shape than when I left and it was pretty bad when I left). But, I'm tired and going to bed, I don't care that it isn't even 8 pm. It was a fun, busy, summer day and hauling kids and having fun can wipe a girl out. Plus, Max ended up in my bed last night fairly early which means that my sleep was broken and my back aches (since he leans into me and I end up sleep in strange positions to try to get comfortable/away from the heat he generates...moving away or changing sides does not because like a beacon he finds me).
Me, at the beach, after the zoo and train ride on Max's birthday. A picture where you can't see my wrinkles because of the glasses or the too padded middle. Just a snapshot in time, but I'll take it and pretend that I look this good all the time these days. :0
Friday, August 28, 2009
Liar, Liar, Pants on fire
I lied to my son today. On purpose. With (almost) no remorse.
Desperate times call for desperate measures and I wad desperate to get him out of the house.
I think we will all be glad when school starts back up next week.
I had planned on sending Max to MyGym camp all week this week. He did two weeks last year, but with his birthday and a trip to San Diego last week. I had only planned for this week. Then, he didn't really want to go. And, they changed the time to start 1.5 hours later and go 1.5 hours later which made it harder for my work schedule. And, money is tight right now so I said fine.
Things have actually gone better than I thought, but by yesterday he was pretty sick of me telling him I had to work and to leave me alone and I was pretty sick of telling him that I had to work and to leave me alone. And, work is busy and I'm tired and I just needed him out of the house and a bit tired out. Noemi, even though I've specifically asked, has spent little interactive time with him as when the twins are awake they consume the focus and when they are asleep she wants to make a dent in the mess created with 3 kids home all day. As par for the course, N and Max get along and bond well and Max looks out for her (read - takes things away from R to give to N, calling himself "the grabber"). R and Max are either having a grand time (usually when they are up to trouble) or R is trying to play with Max, destroy what he is working on, or take things away and Max doesn't "like that R, your mean, go away from me, stop" and unless there is intervention someone (read R) ends up hurt. We've partitioned the house so that Max gets the train table, front door/entry way and my bedroom/bathroom. The twins get the rest, unless Max wants to play with them or what they are playing with or whatever.
Anyway, we talked yesterday and he said he wanted to go to the class today, my meeting was such that I could take him, they had space, it would be the best $40 I have spent all week. Until, he found out that his old PT was coming and he wouldn't see her and he changed his mind and I didn't want a battle. So, I lied. He ultimately believed me, but he was a tad suspicious.
Me: Max, Doreen isn't coming today so you aren't going to miss her.
Max: Why?
Me: (thinking quickly) Ah, something about her car or her husbands car needing to be in the shop so she didn't have a way to get her.
Max: We have a car she could use.
Me: But, she would need to get here to be able to use the car and it doesn't work that way.
Max: We could go get her.
Me: She lives to far for to do that.
Max: (thinking, thinking, thinking for a bit) When?
Me: When what?
Max: When did Doreen call and tell you that she couldn't come? (as the phone hadn't rung all morning)
Me: Oh, when you were outside talking to Bill (the pool guy)
Sheesh. Good thing I don't make a habit of lying. That kid can connect the dots and extrapolate like no tomorrow.
Anyway, he's home now. Had a good time. Said he would like to go again/next vacation...pause....as long as Mario (early intervention specialist) or Doreen (OT) weren't expected and he wouldn't miss them.
Hey, it was for a good cause even if the end doesn't justify the means. I'd like to say it wasn't so, but I'd do it all over again.
TGIF.
Life is overall good. Busy. Long work hours on both ends of the day. So many broken things around here that need to be fixed. Money is tight. Max turned 4. Party was good. He got a new big boy bike which he likes (have a few pics, but no time to even off-load), but he only really wants to ride it when I'm around. And, I haven't had as much of it. R covets the bike and will carress and touch it when Max isn't around to yell at him. Both N and R watch with avid facination and what looks to be a little envy.
Boring work meeting is over. Back to finish up some real work and go spend time with the kids before dinner/bed.
Desperate times call for desperate measures and I wad desperate to get him out of the house.
I think we will all be glad when school starts back up next week.
I had planned on sending Max to MyGym camp all week this week. He did two weeks last year, but with his birthday and a trip to San Diego last week. I had only planned for this week. Then, he didn't really want to go. And, they changed the time to start 1.5 hours later and go 1.5 hours later which made it harder for my work schedule. And, money is tight right now so I said fine.
Things have actually gone better than I thought, but by yesterday he was pretty sick of me telling him I had to work and to leave me alone and I was pretty sick of telling him that I had to work and to leave me alone. And, work is busy and I'm tired and I just needed him out of the house and a bit tired out. Noemi, even though I've specifically asked, has spent little interactive time with him as when the twins are awake they consume the focus and when they are asleep she wants to make a dent in the mess created with 3 kids home all day. As par for the course, N and Max get along and bond well and Max looks out for her (read - takes things away from R to give to N, calling himself "the grabber"). R and Max are either having a grand time (usually when they are up to trouble) or R is trying to play with Max, destroy what he is working on, or take things away and Max doesn't "like that R, your mean, go away from me, stop" and unless there is intervention someone (read R) ends up hurt. We've partitioned the house so that Max gets the train table, front door/entry way and my bedroom/bathroom. The twins get the rest, unless Max wants to play with them or what they are playing with or whatever.
Anyway, we talked yesterday and he said he wanted to go to the class today, my meeting was such that I could take him, they had space, it would be the best $40 I have spent all week. Until, he found out that his old PT was coming and he wouldn't see her and he changed his mind and I didn't want a battle. So, I lied. He ultimately believed me, but he was a tad suspicious.
Me: Max, Doreen isn't coming today so you aren't going to miss her.
Max: Why?
Me: (thinking quickly) Ah, something about her car or her husbands car needing to be in the shop so she didn't have a way to get her.
Max: We have a car she could use.
Me: But, she would need to get here to be able to use the car and it doesn't work that way.
Max: We could go get her.
Me: She lives to far for to do that.
Max: (thinking, thinking, thinking for a bit) When?
Me: When what?
Max: When did Doreen call and tell you that she couldn't come? (as the phone hadn't rung all morning)
Me: Oh, when you were outside talking to Bill (the pool guy)
Sheesh. Good thing I don't make a habit of lying. That kid can connect the dots and extrapolate like no tomorrow.
Anyway, he's home now. Had a good time. Said he would like to go again/next vacation...pause....as long as Mario (early intervention specialist) or Doreen (OT) weren't expected and he wouldn't miss them.
Hey, it was for a good cause even if the end doesn't justify the means. I'd like to say it wasn't so, but I'd do it all over again.
TGIF.
Life is overall good. Busy. Long work hours on both ends of the day. So many broken things around here that need to be fixed. Money is tight. Max turned 4. Party was good. He got a new big boy bike which he likes (have a few pics, but no time to even off-load), but he only really wants to ride it when I'm around. And, I haven't had as much of it. R covets the bike and will carress and touch it when Max isn't around to yell at him. Both N and R watch with avid facination and what looks to be a little envy.
Boring work meeting is over. Back to finish up some real work and go spend time with the kids before dinner/bed.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Ha
At least for the moment, I've outsmarted the twins. I evaluated the difficulty settling to sleep situation that has been escalating over the last week and dragged on for 3 hours last night. R almost always falls asleep before N. She then becomes bored of playing whatever is in her crib or destroying a new board book, then falls asleep when she is good and ready.
My belief of what was occurring is that were feeding off each other and playing and talking across the room. I thought about separating them, but the problem is that the crib in my room isn't full size and it doesn't have a crib tent. To be successful, R would have to be the one to move. No way would N go for it, just wouldn't happen. And, I don't really want to invest in another full size crib and crib tent for my room unless absolutely necessary. A quick ponder of moving one of the twins into Max's room was quickly ruled out as guaranteed to make the situation worse at this point in time, although when the twins are old enough to leave the crib I do plan on putting all three in the same room for a few years..or at least that is the current plan.
I decided to try the simplest approach as possible...putting a blanket on the side of R's crib so the twins couldn't see each other unless they were standing up. Worked like a charm. Ha, take that. Score one for mom. Now, I'll just be hoping it wasn't a fluke.
My belief of what was occurring is that were feeding off each other and playing and talking across the room. I thought about separating them, but the problem is that the crib in my room isn't full size and it doesn't have a crib tent. To be successful, R would have to be the one to move. No way would N go for it, just wouldn't happen. And, I don't really want to invest in another full size crib and crib tent for my room unless absolutely necessary. A quick ponder of moving one of the twins into Max's room was quickly ruled out as guaranteed to make the situation worse at this point in time, although when the twins are old enough to leave the crib I do plan on putting all three in the same room for a few years..or at least that is the current plan.
I decided to try the simplest approach as possible...putting a blanket on the side of R's crib so the twins couldn't see each other unless they were standing up. Worked like a charm. Ha, take that. Score one for mom. Now, I'll just be hoping it wasn't a fluke.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Unbelievable
I'm not sure what is more unbelievable at the moment....
the fact that I am sitting here pumping and still have milk when I haven't pumped in over 11 days now. No, I'm not planning on starting back up. I'm just in pain. I have a clogged duct in my lower right outside of my breast that really has to be drained to prevent infection and put me out of my misery only made worse by the fact that I took and elbow to that very region while doing bedtime routine with Max. I've suspected that I still had milk, although after just being sore for a few days things have been fine, no problems, no engorgement, no real discomfort. Then, over the weekend, I felt my milk come down again for some reason, thought I must have imagined it, until today when things got progressively more uncomfortable. I hadn't really planned on it until I realized that no matter how tired I am I don't think I could get a good night sleep feeling the way I do.
the fact that the twins did not fall asleep until almost 3 hours after bedtime. Completely unacceptable. I will have a stern talk with them in the morning, but for tonight I just concentrated on pulling up my reserve of calm and patience. They just could not settle. They talked and babbled and played and just got strung out and couldn't sooth to sleep. A lot of repeated intervention was needed. Max also had trouble settling tonight, but it only took him an hour past bedtime and one extra round of cuddles and nodded off just in time to take a late work meeting. All this after Max spent the majority of the night in bed with me which means I had way more wakings than usual and was already extra tired.
in other news, Max continues to be the diaper police. He set an edict about a month ago that N gets the "bird" diapers and R the "butterfly" ones, because N likes birds and she is his beautiful girl. When it isn't annoying, it is hilarious because he actually checks and reprimands Noemi and I when we forget. I have to say, he does have me trained at this point on the diaper issue. However, we have been able to convince him that no matter how much he would like otherwise, N is going in the blue highchair instead of his old one because the blue one is cloth and the other cleans up easier because R eats like Max...meaning that he is a complete slob and gets food everywhere (which is funnier when you are not the one cleaning it up) and R can get out of the straps on the blue one and pull to a stand so it is as much if not more a safety issue.
i played hooky from work today to drop off the paperwork for my living will/trust that I've had for ages, drop off books/pick up a book from the library, get a few documents notarized including request for the twins birth certificates, stopped in at the pharmacy, and a quick trip into a grocery store for cup cake tins for Max's class on Friday. I will pay the piper tomorrow but feeling good about getting some of that stuff off my list.
or, how much milk I just pumped out. A total of 9 oz...5 from the one giving me the trouble and 4 from the other. That is an ounce more than my typical average and almost double what I was getting at the point I stopped. I hope this takes care of the blocked duct. Good thing I only thought about giving away my pump this weekend before thinking I may try to make some money by selling it on craigs list.
I guess the fact that I still had milk and how much I pumped is topping the amazing list now that I've had a chance to ponder it. If I had any time or energy I'd go look it up, but thought that after that long, surly I should have dried up.
the fact that I am sitting here pumping and still have milk when I haven't pumped in over 11 days now. No, I'm not planning on starting back up. I'm just in pain. I have a clogged duct in my lower right outside of my breast that really has to be drained to prevent infection and put me out of my misery only made worse by the fact that I took and elbow to that very region while doing bedtime routine with Max. I've suspected that I still had milk, although after just being sore for a few days things have been fine, no problems, no engorgement, no real discomfort. Then, over the weekend, I felt my milk come down again for some reason, thought I must have imagined it, until today when things got progressively more uncomfortable. I hadn't really planned on it until I realized that no matter how tired I am I don't think I could get a good night sleep feeling the way I do.
the fact that the twins did not fall asleep until almost 3 hours after bedtime. Completely unacceptable. I will have a stern talk with them in the morning, but for tonight I just concentrated on pulling up my reserve of calm and patience. They just could not settle. They talked and babbled and played and just got strung out and couldn't sooth to sleep. A lot of repeated intervention was needed. Max also had trouble settling tonight, but it only took him an hour past bedtime and one extra round of cuddles and nodded off just in time to take a late work meeting. All this after Max spent the majority of the night in bed with me which means I had way more wakings than usual and was already extra tired.
in other news, Max continues to be the diaper police. He set an edict about a month ago that N gets the "bird" diapers and R the "butterfly" ones, because N likes birds and she is his beautiful girl. When it isn't annoying, it is hilarious because he actually checks and reprimands Noemi and I when we forget. I have to say, he does have me trained at this point on the diaper issue. However, we have been able to convince him that no matter how much he would like otherwise, N is going in the blue highchair instead of his old one because the blue one is cloth and the other cleans up easier because R eats like Max...meaning that he is a complete slob and gets food everywhere (which is funnier when you are not the one cleaning it up) and R can get out of the straps on the blue one and pull to a stand so it is as much if not more a safety issue.
i played hooky from work today to drop off the paperwork for my living will/trust that I've had for ages, drop off books/pick up a book from the library, get a few documents notarized including request for the twins birth certificates, stopped in at the pharmacy, and a quick trip into a grocery store for cup cake tins for Max's class on Friday. I will pay the piper tomorrow but feeling good about getting some of that stuff off my list.
or, how much milk I just pumped out. A total of 9 oz...5 from the one giving me the trouble and 4 from the other. That is an ounce more than my typical average and almost double what I was getting at the point I stopped. I hope this takes care of the blocked duct. Good thing I only thought about giving away my pump this weekend before thinking I may try to make some money by selling it on craigs list.
I guess the fact that I still had milk and how much I pumped is topping the amazing list now that I've had a chance to ponder it. If I had any time or energy I'd go look it up, but thought that after that long, surly I should have dried up.
Sunday, August 09, 2009
Poor Home Bodies
I realized this morning as we drove to a friends for lunch that the twins are pretty insulated, sheltered, don't get to go places very often. Other than church or doctors offices or the occasional trips to the park with Noemi or walks around the neighborhood, they really haven't been out and about much. I'd feel guiltier except that not only is it just so hard (although getting easier and easier) to pack up and get out, they were preemies I was trying to keep as healthy as possible their first winter. They warmed up after about 20 minutes or so. It was fun and I was able to have about 2 conversations amid the caous before eating quickly and backing up to head home to get the twins for a nap. What was I thinking even hauling the swim gear? Luckily, Max was able to stay with my cousin and swim of which I'm only slightly envious about as with the twins napping and Max swimming I could have actually sat and talked a minute. Oh well, ce la vie, this phase too shall pass soon enough. And, I took a bit of a rest and now must go tackle some chores while I have a chance before the sleeping beauties wake.
Friday, August 07, 2009
Less of a secret
One of the things I have done this summer is host a few parties because I like to and have a nice backyard for that sort of thing. One of the parties I hosted was a group of local single mom by choice women. It was a smaller more intimate group where it is easy to sit in a group and talk to everyone as a group, which is how I like it. Most of the women in attendance were pregnant and most with donor egg or embryo. So, there was a lot of fertility talk, talk about DE, and such.
Also in attendance was my mom (to help with the twins) and my sister from NJ who happened to be visiting that weekend at the last minute with her family. The single mom gathering had been on the books for months and months.
Since I've missed many of our monthly get togethers over the last year or so with a difficult pregnancy, preemie twins in or just out of the hospital, and life revolving around nap schedules I didn't know many of the women well and I'm pretty sure that only 1 knew that I used DE for the twins and I whispered to her that my family didn't know that I used DE. All that to say that while there was a lot of fertility and DE talk, none of it was specifically around me, my kids, or the twins.
This did not stop my mom and my sister from sitting me down after everyone left and the kids were in bed and ask me straight out if I had used DE for the twins. I gave them a straight answer.
The fact that I used DE isn't a secret per se. It just never really came up. By the time I moved to DE, I had so many failed cycles and been trying for so long that I just didn't want to talk about the details with anyone anymore. Plus, I feel pretty strongly that the twins need to know and I need to talk to them about it first rather than hearing it from someone/anyone else. I feel this is especially true since Max was conceived with my eggs and the twins were not. I don't want something thrown in the twins face by a sibling (read Max) being a stinker.
All in all, I'm pretty apathetic around the fact that my mom and sister knows other than my family is terrible about spredding gossip so I need to assume now that every relative both close and not now knows. I hope that everyone respects my desire to tell the twins when they are ready* and that this is their story. Other than that, no big deal really.
* I have heard that around 6 years is the age for children to process and have a book checked out from the library that is supposed to be good in aiding the discussion. Still need to actually look at that book.
Also in attendance was my mom (to help with the twins) and my sister from NJ who happened to be visiting that weekend at the last minute with her family. The single mom gathering had been on the books for months and months.
Since I've missed many of our monthly get togethers over the last year or so with a difficult pregnancy, preemie twins in or just out of the hospital, and life revolving around nap schedules I didn't know many of the women well and I'm pretty sure that only 1 knew that I used DE for the twins and I whispered to her that my family didn't know that I used DE. All that to say that while there was a lot of fertility and DE talk, none of it was specifically around me, my kids, or the twins.
This did not stop my mom and my sister from sitting me down after everyone left and the kids were in bed and ask me straight out if I had used DE for the twins. I gave them a straight answer.
The fact that I used DE isn't a secret per se. It just never really came up. By the time I moved to DE, I had so many failed cycles and been trying for so long that I just didn't want to talk about the details with anyone anymore. Plus, I feel pretty strongly that the twins need to know and I need to talk to them about it first rather than hearing it from someone/anyone else. I feel this is especially true since Max was conceived with my eggs and the twins were not. I don't want something thrown in the twins face by a sibling (read Max) being a stinker.
All in all, I'm pretty apathetic around the fact that my mom and sister knows other than my family is terrible about spredding gossip so I need to assume now that every relative both close and not now knows. I hope that everyone respects my desire to tell the twins when they are ready* and that this is their story. Other than that, no big deal really.
* I have heard that around 6 years is the age for children to process and have a book checked out from the library that is supposed to be good in aiding the discussion. Still need to actually look at that book.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Heard around the house
If you were a fly following us around today, you might have heard the following.
This morning:
Max: Where's that man?
Me: What man?
Max: Where's the man that(blah blah blah...couldn't understand what he said)
Me: The man that put up the sign? (since I had no idea what he was talking about/said?
Max: No, the one with the seed.
Me: Oh, the donor? The man that donated the seed to help make you?
Max: Yes
Me: I don't know. He was a nice man that donated a seed. When you are 18 if you want to meet him, you can if it works out. I don't know where he is right now. He was a police officer, in Northern California I think, going to school at the time he gave the seed. Northern California is on the other side of the state. We live in Southern California.
Max: And, Aunt TT lives in Southern California now too.
Me: Yes, she and Uncle Jim and CC live even more south.
This evening:
Max: (picking up a wooden puzzle piece in the shape of a police car while we were doing the twin bed time routine) Is this a picture of the donor's car? Is his car like this?
Me: It is not a picture of his car and I don't know if he had a car like this.
Interspersed throughout the day...
Max: ....well, my daddy told me that when I was a baby, that's how I know that
almost always said to some outlandish thing that he made up like ...
Max: cheese sticks are a vegetable
Me: No, cheese sticks are a protein
Max: well, my daddy told me that cheese was a vegetable when I was a baby and I remember that so I'm right.
or
Max: I get to drive a car when I'm 4 years old.
Me: People are not allowed to drive until they are at least 16 years old and can show that they know and can follow all of the traffic rules.
Max: Well, my daddy told me that I can drive when I'm 4 when I was 2 years old and I remember.
Me: Hmmmm.
or
Max: I'm going to drink this the fastest. I'm going to win for my brother and sister.
Me: Eating and drinking is not a race.
Max: Yes it is. My dad told me that eating was a race when I was a baby and I remember.
etc. and so on
He is not upset. Just more matter of fact. Questioning in things and making things up that are hard to argue about because even at three he is bound and determined to get the last word as in "yes, I do to have a daddy" or "yes, he did tell me that" or whatever. The most effective strategy is to either acknowledge with a hmmm or just not engage in this crazy 'my daddy told me when I was a baby talk' cause there is no winning and he will just argue to argue and I refuse. I'm half convinced he just does it to be adversarial and dare me into refuting it.
This morning:
Max: Where's that man?
Me: What man?
Max: Where's the man that
Me: The man that put up the sign? (since I had no idea what he was talking about/said?
Max: No, the one with the seed.
Me: Oh, the donor? The man that donated the seed to help make you?
Max: Yes
Me: I don't know. He was a nice man that donated a seed. When you are 18 if you want to meet him, you can if it works out. I don't know where he is right now. He was a police officer, in Northern California I think, going to school at the time he gave the seed. Northern California is on the other side of the state. We live in Southern California.
Max: And, Aunt TT lives in Southern California now too.
Me: Yes, she and Uncle Jim and CC live even more south.
This evening:
Max: (picking up a wooden puzzle piece in the shape of a police car while we were doing the twin bed time routine) Is this a picture of the donor's car? Is his car like this?
Me: It is not a picture of his car and I don't know if he had a car like this.
Interspersed throughout the day...
Max: ....well, my daddy told me that when I was a baby, that's how I know that
almost always said to some outlandish thing that he made up like ...
Max: cheese sticks are a vegetable
Me: No, cheese sticks are a protein
Max: well, my daddy told me that cheese was a vegetable when I was a baby and I remember that so I'm right.
or
Max: I get to drive a car when I'm 4 years old.
Me: People are not allowed to drive until they are at least 16 years old and can show that they know and can follow all of the traffic rules.
Max: Well, my daddy told me that I can drive when I'm 4 when I was 2 years old and I remember.
Me: Hmmmm.
or
Max: I'm going to drink this the fastest. I'm going to win for my brother and sister.
Me: Eating and drinking is not a race.
Max: Yes it is. My dad told me that eating was a race when I was a baby and I remember.
etc. and so on
He is not upset. Just more matter of fact. Questioning in things and making things up that are hard to argue about because even at three he is bound and determined to get the last word as in "yes, I do to have a daddy" or "yes, he did tell me that" or whatever. The most effective strategy is to either acknowledge with a hmmm or just not engage in this crazy 'my daddy told me when I was a baby talk' cause there is no winning and he will just argue to argue and I refuse. I'm half convinced he just does it to be adversarial and dare me into refuting it.
Monday, August 03, 2009
Done.
I'm done with pumping and feeling quite melancholy about it actually. It's time. I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't time, but I'm still feeling sad and hormonal over it. Yes, I was happy this weekend (stopped/didn't pump Friday night...I worked until 10 pm instead) when I got to sleep in until 5:30 am Saturday, but over all...I could cry. I did pump a bit Saturday afternoon because I was in pain. Now, I'm just sore. I'm so tempted, as tired as I was of it, to do it just one more time, like an addict, but that will just drag it out. The thing is, this need and desire to pump and keep the milk flowing is all for me. The babies aren't even babies anymore really. They scoff at and refuse baby food because it is so babyish...and they want to do it themselves gosh darn it. Give them breast milk, cow milk, formula, whatever, they are fine and happy.
I've come to realize this isn't about them.
It's about me. I've secretly harbored this fantasy that as they grew, they would decided that breast is best and want to nurse if nothing else for comfort. Hasn't happened. It's not going to happen. I still feel so gypped about not getting to breast feed them.
It about them being born so early and in the NICU for so long. It's about how at that time there was so little I could do for them to make me feel like their mom other than provide as much milk as possible and give them as much time as could.
It's about the fact that I'm done having babies. Done. Over. Finished. Never to go there again. One was a miracle and a dream come true. Two was more than a blessing and an answer to prayers. Three was the bonus ...that which I didn't really want, but now would never want to live without. The icing on the cake to make our family complete.
It's about the fact that I haven't had my monthly menses since October or November 2007. I haven't missed it. I don't want it back. I don't want the reminder that menopause is around the corner. I don't want the reminder that my ovaries let me down. I don't want to remember all those years of ttc or the failures.
It's about habits and routines and something becoming so much a part of me and my life. And, oddly, while it's mainly about me, it's not totally about me. Max is being affected by the change. As much as he cried and hated it and tried to pull apart the pump when I first started way back 14 1/2 months ago, he's affected by my stopping as well. I've pumped for over 1/3 of his life. The very, very first thing he said to me this morning as he woke up late and came rushing out of his room in a panic was "you didn't start pumping already, I wanted you to wait for me" as he started to cry and throw a fit. And, I reminded him that he didn't miss it, I'm not pumping anymore.
It's about the fact that I may never get to sit down, especially on weekends, again. Pumping was forced down time. Time to sit and have a drink of water or tea. Check out email and keep up with a few things online. Time to take a break, cuddle with Max, rest awhile...all for a worthy cause of breast milk for the babies.
It's about the fact that by all accounts, the babies don't need it anymore. It's about them growing up so fast. As much as I'm happy they are out of that baby phase and things are just getting so much easier, there is a finality to this. There is no going back. Done is done forever more.
I'm done and no matter how right the decision. I'm feeling the blues.
And, that is why I'm going to become a waffle connoisseur and am going to keep practicing and trying new recipes and fine tuning so much that when they are teens I'm not even going to need a recipe anymore. And, that is why I was up late Saturday night making waffles for Sunday breakfast (and to freeze) and meatloaf for Sunday dinner and baking chicken for today. Maybe I'm going to inspire myself to pull out my grandma's home made cinnamon twist recipe and perfect that as well. They won't remember the breast milk, maybe they will remember that and feel love and comfort when they are grown.
I could pump for another month or longer, but until when and why? I can use the extra time now, although now that I'm stopping it doesn't seem like that much work or effort anymore. The grass is always greener kind of thing.
Weaning Max at 7 months to start to ttc was the most traumatic part of his babyhood for me. The only thing that got me through was the fact I may get a second chance. I did and I didn't. I'm not about regrets. I'm about making the best decision I can at the time and moving on. However, I'm pretty sure if I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have weaned him then. I wouldn't have couldn't have given it up. Yada Yada, I know I had to so I could try and fail and try and fail ad nausium until I was ready to move on to donor egg.
Instead of making me feel better by purging and forgetting, I think this is making me feel worse. Maybe some day, I'll get over this dream, this fantasy, this longing for that which will never be. No more.
Done.
I've come to realize this isn't about them.
It's about me. I've secretly harbored this fantasy that as they grew, they would decided that breast is best and want to nurse if nothing else for comfort. Hasn't happened. It's not going to happen. I still feel so gypped about not getting to breast feed them.
It about them being born so early and in the NICU for so long. It's about how at that time there was so little I could do for them to make me feel like their mom other than provide as much milk as possible and give them as much time as could.
It's about the fact that I'm done having babies. Done. Over. Finished. Never to go there again. One was a miracle and a dream come true. Two was more than a blessing and an answer to prayers. Three was the bonus ...that which I didn't really want, but now would never want to live without. The icing on the cake to make our family complete.
It's about the fact that I haven't had my monthly menses since October or November 2007. I haven't missed it. I don't want it back. I don't want the reminder that menopause is around the corner. I don't want the reminder that my ovaries let me down. I don't want to remember all those years of ttc or the failures.
It's about habits and routines and something becoming so much a part of me and my life. And, oddly, while it's mainly about me, it's not totally about me. Max is being affected by the change. As much as he cried and hated it and tried to pull apart the pump when I first started way back 14 1/2 months ago, he's affected by my stopping as well. I've pumped for over 1/3 of his life. The very, very first thing he said to me this morning as he woke up late and came rushing out of his room in a panic was "you didn't start pumping already, I wanted you to wait for me" as he started to cry and throw a fit. And, I reminded him that he didn't miss it, I'm not pumping anymore.
It's about the fact that I may never get to sit down, especially on weekends, again. Pumping was forced down time. Time to sit and have a drink of water or tea. Check out email and keep up with a few things online. Time to take a break, cuddle with Max, rest awhile...all for a worthy cause of breast milk for the babies.
It's about the fact that by all accounts, the babies don't need it anymore. It's about them growing up so fast. As much as I'm happy they are out of that baby phase and things are just getting so much easier, there is a finality to this. There is no going back. Done is done forever more.
I'm done and no matter how right the decision. I'm feeling the blues.
And, that is why I'm going to become a waffle connoisseur and am going to keep practicing and trying new recipes and fine tuning so much that when they are teens I'm not even going to need a recipe anymore. And, that is why I was up late Saturday night making waffles for Sunday breakfast (and to freeze) and meatloaf for Sunday dinner and baking chicken for today. Maybe I'm going to inspire myself to pull out my grandma's home made cinnamon twist recipe and perfect that as well. They won't remember the breast milk, maybe they will remember that and feel love and comfort when they are grown.
I could pump for another month or longer, but until when and why? I can use the extra time now, although now that I'm stopping it doesn't seem like that much work or effort anymore. The grass is always greener kind of thing.
Weaning Max at 7 months to start to ttc was the most traumatic part of his babyhood for me. The only thing that got me through was the fact I may get a second chance. I did and I didn't. I'm not about regrets. I'm about making the best decision I can at the time and moving on. However, I'm pretty sure if I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have weaned him then. I wouldn't have couldn't have given it up. Yada Yada, I know I had to so I could try and fail and try and fail ad nausium until I was ready to move on to donor egg.
Instead of making me feel better by purging and forgetting, I think this is making me feel worse. Maybe some day, I'll get over this dream, this fantasy, this longing for that which will never be. No more.
Done.
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