Hurt me so good

I decided yesterday morning that something, anything needed to be done. I've been slowly working back in things for me like a well woman, a physical, taking time to read a library book after the kids are down and to get me off the computer. But, I could hardly stand how I've been feeling, how blah I've been. How helpless to make a change or try to take on one more thing or put on one more ounce of pressure.

One of the things I've missed most about being a parent is my morning hikes with the dogs. I was actually able to keep this up for most of Max's first year before Lucky died and Shadow just didn't want to do it anymore without her friend. But, no way no how do I have the time for that right now. From the time I get up until I put the kids to bed, life is a sprint. Instead of leaving the house at 6:30 am to hike, I'm sitting down to work. Three nights a week I have a meeting that starts at 7:30 pm that lasts from 30 - 90 minutes and the nanny leaves at 5. On the nights I'm not working, I'm housebound and just too tired to make myself/motivate myself/even think about doing a home work out.

I went through my entire day evaluating for any time that I could carve out even a short amount of time for a walk around the neighborhood and from there my mind jumped to maybe walking even once around this park near Max's preschool that I used to go to with the dogs after I dropped of Max. It is a big park with a .6 mile walking path around with slight hills. I met several of my closest friends at that park pre-kids. My heart misses the nature. My body misses the endorphins.

I decided that maybe a few days a week I could take a detour for a power walk before home. No way could I do it every day as I can barely get Max to school between meetings. But, some days, maybe I could. Even if it is just one or two laps. And, I did it. Two days in a row. Not much. Just two laps around 30 minutes. Ran into an old acquaintance that i hadn't seen since before i was pregnant with the twins this morning. I so didn't feel like going today as that "not much" yesterday had me huffing and puffing and stiff and sore, but I turned left to the park instead of right home and just did it. Giving myself permission to do just one leisurely lap instead of two high powered ones if I just went knowing if I just went I'd go for it. And, I did.

Sadly, I am stiff enough after 2 days that I can barely walk tonight. But, I'm glad I've start it. I'm glad I've made the commitment to do what I can when I can and let the rest go. I haven't looked at all of next week, but think on average that I can probably at least work in 30 minutes 3 times a week which is better than nothing and oh so good for my soul. I can't commit to every day. I can't commit a longer time as I'm robbing peter to pay paul time wise to make it happen rationalizing that I will be a better more focused employee and a healthier happier mom.

I had thought I'd have to wait until the kids were older. I so miss having a dog, especially these last few days, but I'm still going to hold off as hard as it is for me to motivate myself to walk just for me instead of "the dogs". The time is still not right for a new k9 friend.

It's not much, but it's huge. It feels huge and it feels good....even if I can barely walk upon first standing at the moment.