Wondering, Thinking, and Being Annoyed

I've been wondering if I'm mildly depressed. I'm just so tired and just don't have the energy for anything extra. Then, I remind myself of my schedule and that I have valid reasons for being tired and not having energy.

I've been thinking about the fact that one of my children is annoying me and getting on my last nerve. Interestingly enough, it is my second child, my second born son, the middle one by two whole minutes and I've always heard and read and observed that the child in the same birth order as you is the one that tends to be the most like you and triggers more of a reaction. It's nothing major, just a lot of whining, being competitive and pushy with his siblings. He's a screamer and will throw a tantrum just because ...although he didn't want the swing until you put his sister in it, he does now that she's swinging. He's an instigator. He can get both Max and N going, just because. It is not just me that notices this...the early intervention specialist and the PT have as well and we've discussed it.

I've been thinking about how having twins, at least for me, is very different in how I handle things...especially sleep disturbances and crying in the night. My twins seem to be able to sleep through their sib screaming, but if I walk in the room...they are both up and wanting attention and to be soothed, especially more recently as they get more competitive with each other.

I've been finding our family time on the weekends both more enjoyable, easier, much needed and isolating. I'm not getting the joy and social aspects that I have in the past through work, which is a whole other depressing story. And, although it is easier to pick up the kids and go run an errand or quick trip to the store if needed, we haven't even made it to church recently because it is just too hard solo because I can't contain them the entire time and with a 3:1 ratio it is just too crazy even in a contained "cry" room space. I've been reminding myself that this part is just a phase and to enjoy the time and stage and next year it will be easier. Then, I hope and pray that I'm not deluding myself and that next year it does in fact get easier. I can't wait to be able to get up and go more.

I've been finding things, in general annoying, and coaching myself to just let it go. Things like my resentment at my neighbors for throwing a party a few weekends ago with a live band that caused me to get no sleep that night. Things like the fact that someone couldn't follow the rules when our street was being resurfaced, and while a pain and even though barricaded couldn't just wait, drove on it anyway so that instead of a nice new surface you see tire marks ruining it. Every day, I've been getting annoyed. Every day, I tell myself to let it go. Let it go. I continue to find it annoying at the number of people who can not drive in their own lane as I take Max to and fro school on a mildly curvy road and that try to side swipe me on a regular basis.

While I am overall happy with our nanny and trust her and so happy I have not had to worry about some of the situations I have heard others, I find her annoying as well. After 4 years, you'd think I'd learn to live with the fact that she is not capable of organizing toys or putting the dishes away so that you can open and close the drawers/cupboards or zipping up a zippy so the cereal/crackers/whatever don't go stale. Now, especially with the OT and the PT being on vacation for two weeks at the same time and she is taking the kids to the park and out a bit more, that SHE NEEDS TO BE BACK IN TIME FOR THEM TO PROPERLY NAP and getting back at 1:05 or 1:10 when they go down at 1 is not acceptable because they still need fresh diapers and bottle (or rather sippy cup because we are done with bottles as of a few weekends ago) and they don't have time to unwind and you miss "the window" and then they don't nap. Fine for her, but then I need to hear them fuss in their crib while I try to work in the afternoon while she sits at the table and takes a much needed rest/lunch break. Then, she leaves and I'm left with tired crabby kids on my own who don't sleep well that night and I get less time because I have to put them to bed even earlier and the time I do get is crap because they are too tired to function. We have had this problem on and off since Max was little and she just doesn't get it. And, the truth is, at this point, I don't care if she gets it or not, she just needs to comply. I'll be happy when I don't need the help anymore.

Not only do I feel like my life is in a bit of a rut right now, I've felt like our dinners and what we eat have been so as well so I've gathered up a few recipes and been trying to do a better job of variety. Last night was Baked Ziti. Earlier in the week we had Tater Tot casserole and this chicken broccoli roll dish. I have a few more new ones to work in. I'm not taking it personal that Max is basically not eating dinner right now as the twins and I are enjoying the new tastes and changes.

All and all, I've just been saving my happy and time and energy for the kids and feeling down about work and lonely and sad I'm so out of touch with pretty much all of my friends right now because I just don't have it in my to be a friend right now and hoping and knowing that they are just as caught up in their own lives right now as well.