Moments of panic

I was driving N to an appointment on Monday and had this moment of panic where I was sure I had brought the wrong child with me. I didn't. I had to seriously think about it and it did give me pause, before I realized that I was good and did, in fact, bring the right baby.

I walked in the twins room today and had a moment of panic when N's crib was empty. I'm not sure of the particular order of these thoughts but one was that someone had come in and stole her during the night, to which I told myself that was unlikely as they probably would have taken R as well or instead since he is a much calmer/easier baby unless they only wanted a girl baby; another was that I had left her in the family room all night and was she in a bouncy or the swing, before I reminded myself that no I had indeed checked on her and she had been in her crib; which brought me to the question "Where the fuck is my baby?" After standing there for a period of time taking all this in and trying to process, I walked further into the room and my darling daughter had scooted herself down to the end of her crib and turned herself sideways and was laying behind a pile of her baby blankets that just so happened to be the same cream color as her sleeper and a spot that could not be seen from the doorway. Whew! As much as she can be a PITA, I'm quite fond of her and would like to keep her around.

When Max was first born, I used to have these moments of panic where I'd be driving and worry that I left him behind, or forgot to strap him in, or the most common was that he died during sleep with SIDS or suffocation being the top two causes of his early demise. I find it amusing and ironic that I have much fewer of these with the twins who had much more of an auspicious start. But, I do have them on occasion. Heck, it's even more funny because Max didn't even HAVE blankets in his crib until he was a year or two old because I worried he would roll into them and suffocate during the night. I'm sure there is some sort of "reason" for them like mommy brain overload, or hormones, or lack of sleep, or such a big change in routine, or a combination. When they happen, they are "real" and I have a physical reaction along with the moment of terror. I'm typically an easy going person, which I think helps immensely being a mom and a single mom at that, but every now and again, something can happen that causes me pause like this morning.

I've been laughing at myself all day, but ...oh, that moment this morning when the crib was empty.. just a tiny moment of terror.