Decisions and Dreams

Sorry I have been MIA. I actually don't even remember the last time I posted. Most days, I think up a blog entry in my head, but when I have the time to write it I have no energy. I'm still feeling pretty crappy and vomiting every night now although I think I must be feeling better during the day only because this weekend I was actually able to do things with Max like take him to the train station to watch the trains come in and out, take him and Shadow to the park, go to Sunday school, go to the pet store to get more fish and dog food, and get a special Jamba Juice treat. Where in the past, I'm sure that I mostly laid on the couch except for going to Sunday school. So, while I felt bad while doing it all, I was actually able to do it which is progress of a sort I guess.

I'm still waiting on the CVS results and doing the countdown until the SR which is (basically) a week away at this point. I'm a bit worried about what to expect afterwards...as in do "things" get absorb or should I expect bleeding and to pass the "products of conception" as it were. But, I haven't called or done research to find out.

Reducing to one was never a serious consideration. I have thought about it. It is a possibility, but just not something I could do no matter how much easier it would make my life. The only reason I can even do the reduction to two is because I really believe if I tried to carry 3 to term there would not be a good outcome and I would loose all three or do life long damage to one or all of them as a result of premature delivery. I know that a good outcome is possible, but the odds and risks are too high in my mind so it becomes (or I have justified it) as a medical decision. And, even then, I do not make the decision lightly.

I've had this dream a few times now. I wouldn't say it is a reoccurring dream or nightmare, and it isn't exactly the same each time...only one element. I'm talking to someone (or someones) and at some point they say off hand (in reference to my character)..."It's not as if you've ever killed anyone" and I shock them by correcting them and telling them I have and how I killed this poor innocent child who I never gave a chance to live. I never ever wanted to be in this position. I will still go through with the reduction, even if it will be the hardest thing I have ever done. I have tried to live my life with little regret. I know that I will regret this decision probably more than any other I have ever made. Yet, I fear that I will regret not taking action even more if I don't. I really do feel like I'm damned if I do and even more damned if I don't. But, while I may rationalize my reasons, I take ownership of the decision and while "reduction" is the word I use most often "killing" is the word in my head and my heart. And, I wonder at my character and what it says about me that I do and I will still move forward.

I've been trying on the decision of not moving or doing construction and not going live in. I feel so much better and less stressed (at least for now) with that approach. I haven't gone much farther than that as in whether I get someone new that can and will cook with longer hours or just keep Noemi. I figure I have time with that one with the biggest pressure or decision I need to make is for how long to put Max in pre-school come September. I need to fill and submit the application in a few weeks. Originally, before I knew I would be expecting twins, I had thought just mornings so Max could come home and take a nap. However, he's already dropping naps so much that I revised that thinking maybe until 2 pm instead. Yet, now I'm thinking maybe 5 and that he'd have more fun at school and would be less likely to just come home and zone out in front of the TV. Oh, what to do, what to do.

Over the weekend, I was talking with my cousin and telling her that it was probably insane, but that likely I would not move forward with live in help and that really, the only person I could realistically see living here was her. Then, I laughed because while true, it is not something I thought possible as she has a life and three kids in Michigan the youngest of which is only 11, a husband, etc. She called me today and said she's been thinking about that and might just be crazy enough to do it. She talked to CC who loved the idea and said she was in. She talked to her husband (and he and I IM'd briefly about it today) and he seems on board. And, a decision is no where made, but I'm finding it hard not to get excited over the idea even though it would make the space issue even worse. When we talked this weekend, my cousin (who does know me well) said that it's not that she wouldn't drive me crazy as well, just that I can tell her when she's driving me crazy and why...which is so true.

Disregarding the space issue, the idea...now that I know it is a true possibility not just a passing whimsical thought...appeals on many levels because she could and would help with the shopping and the meals and Max (maybe dropping him off and picking him up and doing something with him in the afternoons instead of just leaving him in school), and just be here in the middle of the night...just in case. And, CC is Max's favorite person. Having her here will go a long way to having him not feel so displaced when the twins arrive.

On her end, they just moved back to MI and are still living with her parents. They have pretty much decided not to buy a house right now because Jim's not sure that he wants to stay and his new job could afford him other opportunities elsewhere. When she called me, although she cautioned she was just in the thinking/talking phase, but wanted to make sure I really would want that and I knew she was thinking about it, but...had thought enough that she mentioned they would want to bring their own beds, that her oldest daughter would be in college so is a non-issue, but that Jim and their son (who would be a senior in high school) would live with his parents. Jim's dad has been told that his cancer is back and they are all worried about the situation. Both Jim and Terri felt that this maybe a gift to him as well to spend the time with them since they know the time is very limited. And, it will give Jim and James a chance to bond before James heads out into adulthood and college. And, they could save financially by not having to pay rent or mortgage for a year. And, Terri and CC would come here and help an feel good about helping me during the difficult first year of twins.

It could be a win, win, win. We'd have to work out details. I told Terri I'd pay her, but I got the impression she would want me to still have Noemi or someone come in during the day. And, I'd probably want to buy new beds rather than shipping their beds back and forth, if they could live with that and we'd have to figure out where to put everyone. Maybe CC's bed could go in my office since she won't be sleeping when I'm working and a crib in my room and a crib in Terri's room. But, there will be time to work it out if the ultimate decision is for her to come. But, I have to say, the idea has taken hold today and I will be disappointed if not. Either way, it will work out one way or another.